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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-29-08, 04:53 AM Thread Starter
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Default Little People Big World

i honestly havent written in a very long time. If ppl like it i'll write some more C&C welcome as always

The crickets chirped loudly. It was very early in the morning at the ruins of the once great city on the tropical planet of Yustav VII. The plants had grown over the city in a matter of days, by the time the Frost Angels arrived; it seemed part of the rainforest that covered the whole planet. A single squad of veterans had been brought by stealth thunderhawk and dropped off in the middle of the mighty jungle. They had been sent to locate and destroy whatever had torn the city down.

Veteran Sergeant Fidas groaned. He hated such temperate places like all Frost Angels. Here was the bad part of belonging to a biased chapter; you were used to just one element when your duty called on you to go to countless different places. “Alright, let us get this over quick so we do not have to stay on the boiling planet. His head was bare as he could not stand the heat, his pale skin felt out of place in the tropical jungle. The claw scars on his face glowed dimly. They would be bleeding yet had he not the anatomy of a space marine. Then again, if he wasn’t a space marine, the scratches would have punctured his brain. “We do not belong here. I do not know why mine Lord forced us to come. The Frost Angels belong in just that, frost. Not this accursed heat.” Knight swore.
“Take off your helmet Knight,” Fidas advised.
“Not on mine honour. I am not like thee Fidas.” Knight wasn’t his real name. But everyone called him one because of his actions and dialogue. He was older than the chapter master himself. They say he refused many promotions so he could stay in action. Terrible scars covered his back and chest, he had been stabbed in the stomach, thrice. He should have been sergeant by right of veterancy but all gave him the respect of a chapter master.
“As you wish,” sighed Fidas, “Menic, scout the valley, there is no other way past the mountains.”
“Movin’.” Menic was armed with naught but his custom made bolter. His great, great blood nephew was a tech priest of the Adeptus Mechanicus, he had given Menic the bolter for his 113th birthday, the year of his veterancy. There were beautiful carvings of ice formations edging the case. A 90x90 scope attached to the side. His bionic eye had been the top of its class in performance and sight. All that didn’t matter, he was such a good shot he did not need the scope or the eye unless his target was a ratling 1000 yards away. He often boasted he could shoot a butterfly in the wing at night. His bolter did not have a single scratch on it and if it did his blood brother, the master of the forge could fix it for him. As he moved out, Fidas turned to his remaining two men; Roran and Taylor. They were twins, acting as one. They would cover each other’s backs and never separated. They had been awarded near identical honours and the only change in armament was the bolt pistol and plasma pistol.
“Roran, Taylor, you and Knight are going to go advance along the west flank of the city. I will move in from the north with Menic’s support.” Fidas had everything drawn up in his mind as always.

Menic breathed out slowly, he was an average tree jumper in his day. He leaped up unto a low, thick branch of a giant tree about a dozen yards wide. He climbed to the top and looked out to the horizon. He didn’t like this place. There wasn’t enough open space, although he enjoyed trees, he had lived in frozen tundra for over a century. He heard something, yes, a deep rustle far out. He saw it perfectly, it was a tree swaying and a bush, shaking about. Menic trained his weapon on it, the bolter feeling like a natural extension of his body. He casually flipped switches, setting settings as if it were a video game. He went to semi-auto which he always preferred to “shooting madly like a crazed ork with a machine gun” as he called auto. He saw an eye peep out and Menic shot, immediately finding the heart in the bush by the position of the eye. The rustling stopped and a faint yelp was heard over the roar of the bolter. “Fidas, I got somethin’ ‘ere!” He chattered excitedly into his vox, “Hostile neutralized. It seemed small.”
“Roger Menic. Roran, Taylor, move up and assist Menic to assess the body. Report when you find out what it is.” Fidas ordered. Roran and Taylor muttered yessirs and went. “Knight, let’s go check the landscape out.”
“Know the land. Thou art wise Fidas. Always know the land. Let us start with scaling yonder mountain; it will give us a grand view.” Knight replied, setting off in the direction of a small mountain set against the side of the endless trees and underbrush. Fidas gripped the mountainside with his massive powerfist, reducing the rock to rubble as he scaled the side. It was much too steep for normal humans, but Fidas and Knight barely broke a sweat. Once they got onto the peak, Fidas’ vox picked up Menic talking in a fast but low voice, “There’re more of them, Fidas, what’s your location? We are being attacked! I repeat, there are more of them, and they are attacking. They are heavily arm—”Fidas heard a grunt as someone stumbled, “Roran is injured! He got shot in the calf! The laser nearly went through his leg. I can see the bone! He’s running but we need help quick! Menic, over!”

Fidas looked down below, he spotted trees swaying and shadowy figures running with the help of his bionic eye. “Knight, I see them, in the trees.”
“I am calling for additional equipment... ETA a minute and a half, we must stall them.” Knight announced. He drew his plasma pistol and fired, burning through a tree which toppled over behind the three sprinting figures. Fidas picked up the extra bolter he always carried around set it to automatic and fired. The noise of the bolter drowned out everything else until all Fidas and Knight and the twins and Menic and the strange creatures heard was a deafening sound which could shatter eardrums. To his surprise, he heard creatures falling to the ground and writhing in agony as he fired.
“Fidas! Keep firing, the noise from the bolter seems to hurt them,” Menic screamed over the surrounding chaos. And yet, Fidas stopped. He was looking to the horizon; where he saw an unnatural sea of brown creatures.



"Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for."
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-02-08, 10:01 AM
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OH NO THE HOBBITS ARE ATTACKING! good fluff looking forward to the rest

WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR.....*necron warrior turns around to the necron behind him* Hey Bob? what did we come for?!

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 08-15-11, 01:55 AM
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Default Oldie but a goodie!

Initiate, if you are still around, you need to put in proper spaceing and finish this thing. This story has potential. I would like to know what the creatures are that these guys are fighting.

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
Other stories from Adrian.
Look up Adrian in the "Compendium" to find them. Thanks
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 08-15-11, 03:22 AM
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Hey Initiate! Thought I'd stop by and do some of the C&C you were wanting.

Any alterations and comments will be in Green.
Any additions to your work I make will be in Yellow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Initiate View Post
i honestly havent written in a very long time. If ppl like it i'll write some more C&C welcome as always

The crickets chirped loudly. It was very early in the morning at the ruins of the once great city on the tropical planet of Yustav VII. The plants had grown over the city in a matter of days (No need for a comma here) by the time the Frost Angels arrived. (Use a period, not a [;] ) it seemed part of the rainforest that covered the whole planet. A single squad of veterans had been brought by stealth thunderhawk and dropped off in the middle of the mighty jungle. They had been sent to locate and destroy whatever had torn the city down.

According to Codex Astartes, the 'Veterans' within any chapter make up the First Company. It should read more like this:

A squad from First Company made planetfall earlier via a thunderhawk.

Veteran Sergeant Fidas groaned. He hated such temperate places like all Frost Angels. Here was the bad part of belonging to a biased chapter; you were used to just one element when your duty called on you to go to countless different places.

“Alright, let us get this over quick so we do not have to stay on the boiling planet."

Who says this? I know you opened the paragraph with Fidas, however it could still of been said by anyone. Also, be sure that you break off speech from the rest of the paragraph. Just helps to eliminate clutter!

His head was bare as he could not stand the heat. His pale skin felt out of place in the tropical jungle. The claw scars on his face glowed dimly. They would be bleeding yet had he not the anatomy of a space marine. Then again, if he wasn’t a space marine, the scratches would have punctured his brain.

Claw scars? Interesting. You should give more detail on exactly how he received them.

“We do not belong here. I do not know why mine Lord forced us to come. The Frost Angels belong in just that, frost. Not this accursed heat.” Knight swore.

“Take off your helmet Knight,” Fidas advised.

“Not on mine honour. I am not like thee Fidas.”

Knight wasn’t his real name, but everyone called him one because of his actions and dialogue. He was older than the chapter master himself. They say he refused many promotions so he could stay in action.

What, so he would be given a desk job? These are Marines! Their business is to be on the front lines -- Regardless of rank.

Terrible scars covered his back and chest. He had been stabbed in the stomach multiple times. ('Thrice' is something left for Dialogue, not within a description.) He should have been sergeant by right of veterancy but all gave him the respect of a chapter master.

In my opinion it sounds like you should re-create Knight's character as a Champion of this Astartes Chapter. This would allow him to be one of most combat-effective soldiers as well as being given the immense respect of his battle brothers.

“As you wish,” sighed Fidas, “Menic, scout the valley, there is no other way past the mountains.”

“Movin’.”

Space Marines speak High Gothic. 'Movin' makes Menic sound as if he is a commoner. He should reply with a simple 'Moving'.

Menic was armed with naught but his custom made bolter. His great, great blood nephew was a tech priest of the Adeptus Mechanicus, he had given Menic the bolter for his 113th birthday, the year of his veterancy.

While I hate to stifle creativity of writers.. Space Marines have no connection to their long-distant family after their recruitment into the Chapter. I suggest having it be an artifact from a previous campaign. I see that you have twin brothers within your ranks. I haven't heard of this being done, yet I don't see why this isn't possible. Go for it!

There were beautiful carvings of ice formations edging the case. A 90x90 scope attached to the side. His bionic eye had been the top of its class in performance and sight. All that didn’t matter. He was such a good shot he did not need the scope or the eye unless his target was a ratling 1000 yards away. He often boasted he could shoot a butterfly in the wing at night.

Be sure to break up Paragraphs. You don't want an infamous 'Wall-Of-Text'.

His bolter did not have a single scratch on it and if it did his blood brother (You should call them 'Battle-Brothers'. You seem to have to many blood-related Space Marines for a believable story) , the master of the forge could fix it for him. As he moved out, Fidas turned to his remaining two men; Roran and Taylor. They were twins, acting as one. They would cover each other’s backs and never separated. They had been awarded near identical honours and the only change in armament was the bolt pistol and plasma pistol.

“Roran, Taylor, you and Knight are going to go advance along the west flank of the city. I will move in from the north with Menic’s support.”

Fidas had everything drawn up in his mind as always.

Menic breathed out slowly. He was an average tree jumper in his day. He leaped up unto a low, thick branch of a giant tree about a dozen yards wide. He climbed to the top and looked out to the horizon. He didn’t like this place.

I have a hard time finding a fully-armored Space marine being able to climb a tree. Maybe give him a jump-pack? He could be an assault marine.

There wasn’t enough open space, although he enjoyed trees, he had lived in frozen tundra for over a century. He heard something, yes, a deep rustle far out. He saw it perfectly. It was a tree swaying and a bush, shaking about. Menic trained his weapon on it, the bolter feeling like a natural extension of his body. He casually flipped switches, setting settings as if it were a video game. He went to semi-auto which he always preferred to “shooting madly like a crazed ork with a machine gun” as he called auto. He saw an eye peep out and Menic shot, immediately finding the heart in the bush by the position of the eye. The rustling stopped and a faint yelp was heard over the roar of the bolter.

“Fidas, I got something here!” He chattered excitedly into his vox, “Hostile neutralized. It seemed small.”

Again, avoid the Low Gothic.

“Roger Menic. Roran, Taylor, move up and assist Menic to assess the body. Report when you find out what it is.” Fidas ordered.

Roran and Taylor muttered yessirs and went.

“Knight, let’s go check the landscape out.”

“Know the land. Thou art wise Fidas. Always know the land. Let us start with scaling yonder mountain; it will give us a grand view.” Knight replied, setting off in the direction of a small mountain set against the side of the endless trees and underbrush.

Fidas gripped the mountainside with his massive powerfist, reducing the rock to rubble as he scaled the side. It was much too steep for normal humans, but Fidas and Knight barely broke a sweat.

Once again I would just give them jump-packs.

Once they got onto the peak, Fidas’ vox picked up Menic talking in a fast but low voice, “There’re more of them, Fidas, what’s your location? We are being attacked! I repeat, there are more of them, and they are attacking. They are heavily arm--"

Fidas heard a grunt as someone stumbled, “Roran is injured! He got shot in the calf! The laser nearly went through his leg. I can see the bone! He’s running but we need help quick! Menic, over!”

Fidas looked down below, he spotted trees swaying and shadowy figures running with the help of his bionic eye.

“Knight, I see them, in the trees.”

“I am calling for additional equipment... ETA a minute and a half, we must stall them.” Knight announced.

He drew his plasma pistol and fired, burning through a tree which toppled over behind the three sprinting figures. Fidas picked up the extra bolter he always carried around set it to automatic and fired. The noise of the bolter drowned out everything else until all Fidas and Knight and the twins and Menic and the strange creatures heard was a deafening sound which could shatter eardrums.

And. And. And. Avoid using this multiple times within a sentence. Use commas [,]

To his surprise, he heard creatures falling to the ground and writhing in agony as he fired.

“Fidas! Keep firing, the noise from the bolter seems to hurt them,” Menic screamed over the surrounding chaos. And yet, Fidas stopped. He was looking to the horizon; where he saw an unnatural sea of brown creatures.
All and all a good action scene to kick off this piece. I would work on your Marine dialect as well as breaking up your paragraphs.

As always, keep writing!

I look forward to more.

My Original Works:
Adeptus Mechanicus
Mortalitis

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 08-15-11, 03:32 PM
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While the Compendium does list some stories from years back, try to avoid bumping a 3-year old topic all the way to the top. Threadomancy is not necessarily good.


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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