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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-03-10, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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Hello there! It has been a long time since I last time wrote a story of some sort, but here I have got something new. I tried to write it from some kind of story teller aspect, and I dont really know what you guys think of it, but drop me a comment and tell me what to improve!





Part one

ca.440.M39

Altra Siet was the son of royal governor Omegon Alpatrius, ruler of the planet Voss-Ulani and a very religious man. Altra Siet proved to be very intelligent and he did eagerly studied several different things, such as mathematics, theology and medicine just to name a few. But as time passed, and the boy turned more ambitious, he lost all his interest for those basic studies. He soon began to practice forbidden witcheries, prophesies and astrology. Soon Altra was full of pride, ambition and a feeling, a strange feeling, of power, unlimited power. He decided that he would be able to rule the whole Imperium of Man by himself.

It did not take long before he had overthrown his father, crowned himself Emperor of Mankind, and begun planning a plan to seize control over the Imperium of Man. With a garrison of 3000 PDF soldiers he could not start a conquest, he needed more soldiers, an unlimited supply of soldiers, but from where could he get that?
He decided to take control of the powers of the Warp.

One night Emperor Siet, as he was now know as, traveled in secrecy to the mountains 30 miles south of the planetary capital. There he begun slicing his arms with a knife, making himself bleed loads of blood. With the blood, he drew circles on the ground. Soon a storm of uncounted magnitude blew up from nowhere. Terrible winds threw down trees, and the sky was filled with thunder. Soon in the middle of the storm, there was an opening, glowing with an spooky red tone. In the middle of the hole there were two red eyes, shining with pure hatred. It was Khorne, the chaos god of anger, violence, and hate himself, and he was not pleased that it was an lowly mortal who had summoned him. Slowly but surely the storm begun calming down, as did the chaos gods anger as well. He asked with an icy tone what Altar Siet wanted.

I am willing to make a deal. The Emperor said. Hes pride had no limits, and he begun telling the mighty chaos god, who could have killed him without lifting a finger, his terms. "There are four parts. First I want you to serve me for the rest of my life. The second part is that I want you to tell me everything I want to know, everything! Three, you will lend me all of your armies and powers. And as the last thing, I want you to help me overthrow the current leadership of the Imperium of Man, and make me its leader.

"THAT DEAL IS QUITE UNILATERAL. I WANT TO MAKE A SINGLE TERM MYSELF" was Khornes response. "FIRST YOU SHALL DESTROY THE PYLONS IN THE SOUTHERN QUADRANT OF THE OCCULARIS TERRIBUS, THAT WILL ALLOW ME TO SEND FORTH EVEN GREATER ARMIES; AND WHEN YOU HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF THE "IMPERIUM", I WANT YOU TO DESTROY TERRA, THE HOME OF THE EMPEROR, AND MAKE SURE THAT HE PERISHES WITH IT.

Altra Siet accepted the term, but did he ever think of what would happen after that he had destroyed everything that would keep the ruinous powers away from the galaxy?

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-04-10, 02:14 PM
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As a concept fascinating, i like it, I would most definitely want to read more.

It is indeed an engaging start but stylistically i have a few quarms and peices of advice

One read it through again, colloquials such as loads of blood make your writing seem childish and immature. Also i really think you could do with some more description it was too overview like, i want to know more about that ritual what it looked like what happened, did khorne appear to him.

Also what does the emperor siet look like, how did he overthrow his father.

Its almost fable like in its lack of detail at the moment and i desperately want to know the detail

Also i think in places rearrangement of words could really make it flow better, its rather jilting to read.

As a story great however in rps i've seen you do some far better writing than this and i reckon with a little tweeking it could turn into a fascinating story

kudos to lillian thorne for the awesome sig
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-05-10, 08:36 AM
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Now, not knowing where you plan on going with this story, I'd recommend one thing right off the bat: change the name of the royal governor. Omegon Alpatrius is reaaaaally close to Omegon and Alpharius. If this is on purpose as a sort of foreshadowing, keep at it, but it was slightly distracting to start with.

One slight plot point that kind of throws me off is how he turns to sorcery, then asks for Khorne's favour. This seems slightly off, as Khorne is well-known to absolutely despise sorcery (Tzeentch aaaaaaahhhhhh). Maybe rework the wording (he became obsessed with blood sacrifice, etc) or work Tzeentch into it instead of Khorne.

It is certainly an interesting concept, and I'd look forward to seeing where it goes from here.


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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-05-10, 10:36 PM Thread Starter
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First, thanks for the feedback guys!!! I really like it when you spend some time writing a comment, thanks! After hearing that I will probably re-write the story, and possibly post it tomorrow, and school ended today, so I will have some more time to write it... And yeah, after reading it a few more times, I noticed that it is a quite low quality story of mine, really makes me think if I was tired or what when I wrote it, but what ever, I will re write it, and hope fully post it tomorrow!

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-06-10, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Shit happened, wont be able to re-write the story, cause I got kind of busy today, and tomorrow I am going to Oulu, so there will probably be no re-write, sry guys, but I posted a part of a story that I have had on my computer for some time, its called Uprising, and I would be glad if yu would check it out...

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
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