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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-31-10, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Ok draftees takes place before life of a medic. That story died and I will bring it back after this one hopefully. It's hopefully going to make you laugh with the exception of part one. The story will be a flash back of someone on the verge of death. This part will be the shortest part of the story.

Warning: the names in this story are ripoffs of real life names

Alesso lay there on the ground clutching his gaping wound in his chest and watched as he got closer to her. The space marine laughed as she lay there close to her death, now he would finish her and then kill the others. Alesso, running off adrenalin and whatever he had left in him, dragged himself to his lasgun to try and stop him from shooting her. The space marine raised his bolter and aimed at her head as she lay there unable to move.

"Blood fo-"he said as the crack of a lasgun went off

The marine fell over with a thud and showed no sign of life. Alesso shot him in the back of the neck with a fully charged shot that sliced straight through him, if he hadn't been looking down at her which exposed his neck, odds are the shot wouldn't have done anything and his power armor would have absorbed the shot. Alesso dropped his lasgun and crawled his way over to Beonsa, she had been shot, they all had been, who was still alive he didn't know but he needed to see if she was ok.

"Thanks." she said weakly

"Your welcome."

"Alesso."

"Yes."

"Come closer."

"What?" he asked as he got face to face

Then she kissed him, it took him by supprize, he wasn't ready for that and she could see it. She smiled and laughed a little before more blood came out of her mouth, she then started choking on her own blood for a few moments, then stopped breathing and died right in front of him. He lay there next to her for a few moments staring at her body in disbelief before he lost it.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Somebody! Don't die,don't die. Help!" he screamed looking out but seeing no one in sight

He dragged himself to the dead marine and started screaming at him. He took off the marines helmet and started beating the marines own face with it before braking down crying, sobbing and wishing them all alive. After a few moments he started crying a shot hit him in the shoulder and sent him to the ground. Another marine was coming, a scout most likely come to see where the others had gone off to. This was it he lay there remembering, what had happened to them, how this journey had started.

"Do you see them, my Brothers? Do you see how they quake and tremble with fear? Soon, they shall know that all their fears are pale compared to the terror that will grip their vile souls when they hear the choir that is our bolters for we are veterans of over a thousand campaigns, do not come before an Angel of Death and his weaponry."


hippta243-
Inquisitor: Wait, What?!?! You mean I can finally stop pretending to be a pretentious asshole and carry out my.... "research" on Eldar and Tau females unmolested?!?! This wonderful news! Come Maria, my loyal unsanctioned psyker, we have much "research" to catch up on!

Maria: By the Emperor master, why do you always shout out heretical thoughts when your excited? Especially the part about me.

Inquisitor: .............QUICK, BACK TO THE SHIP!
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-05-10, 08:45 AM
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Quote:
Alesso lay there on the ground clutching his gaping wound in his chest and watched as he got closer to her. The space marine laughed as she lay there close to her death, now he would finish her and then kill the others. Alesso, running off adrenalin and whatever he had left in him, dragged himself to his lasgun to try and stop him from shooting her. The space marine raised his bolter and aimed at her head as she lay there unable to move.
To be honest, this paragraph seems slightly rushed and sloppily constructed. While I'm not saying that repetition is the devil, I am saying try to avoid using the exact same sequence of two words three times in a short period unless its for a purpose. Try to find another way to describe what they are doing other than "lay there."

Quote:
Alesso shot him in the back of the neck with a fully charged shot that sliced straight through him, if he hadn't been looking down at her which exposed his neck, odds are the shot wouldn't have done anything and his power armor would have absorbed the shot.
Good self-catch and explanation here. When I first read it, I was slightly disbelieving, but your explanation as to how a single man killed a marine with but a lasgun was adequate and believable. Touche!

Quote:
She smiled and laughed a little before more blood came out of her mouth, she then started choking on her own blood for a few moments, then stopped breathing and died right in front of him. He lay there next to her for a few moments staring at her body in disbelief before he lost it.
This whole bit seemed rather unemotional, especially the highlighted portion. You could have expanded this into an Oscar-worthy death scene. "Sarah... I love you" type shit. Try to get across what the character is feeling with more than a single word, "disbelief."

Other than that, the major issues I spotted were largely comma-related. I'm kind of stringent when it comes to that, but it's for your benefit! Several places you left one out where it was needed, and others you put one in where it was inappropriate.

Hopefully this was helpful for you, write on!

-Cheers


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-06-10, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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to be perfectly honest the whole damn thing was rushed

"Do you see them, my Brothers? Do you see how they quake and tremble with fear? Soon, they shall know that all their fears are pale compared to the terror that will grip their vile souls when they hear the choir that is our bolters for we are veterans of over a thousand campaigns, do not come before an Angel of Death and his weaponry."


hippta243-
Inquisitor: Wait, What?!?! You mean I can finally stop pretending to be a pretentious asshole and carry out my.... "research" on Eldar and Tau females unmolested?!?! This wonderful news! Come Maria, my loyal unsanctioned psyker, we have much "research" to catch up on!

Maria: By the Emperor master, why do you always shout out heretical thoughts when your excited? Especially the part about me.

Inquisitor: .............QUICK, BACK TO THE SHIP!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-08-10, 02:39 AM Thread Starter
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Ok I think I've put this off long enough. Double post? Um..your kidding right? Oh common I'm sure no one cares too much.

2 weeks earlier

"Your supposed to throw the grenade not the pin!" Dustle said

"I just don't have anything to do with it though." Beonsa said

Every one was silent as Dustle made a face palm and sighed. Dustle was not the most liked soldier but then again the sergeant wasn't supposed to be. He had taken them to an open field to do some basic training because his draftiest were new and there was no base to train them at in the southern continent, all he had was a dummy from an abandoned farm and what ever equipment they were given by command. Dustle took off his helmet revealing his brown hair and put it helmet down on the crate next to him and took a grenade and pulled the pin. He handed the grenade and pin to Beonsa and told her to throw the pin or the grenade, she didn't have long before the grenade went off and killed her so she threw both of them out at the dummy in the open field.

"Damn it! I said throw one!" he screamed at her

"I don't care." she said

If the PDF in the southern continent wasn't low on soldiers and drafting anyone they could find he would have shot her there, but he needed to control his anger. This was his first squad and he needed to gain their respect and Dustle needed to prove he could be a soldier like his father. He only joined the army to make his father proud and he couldn't do that if he screwed anything up. Dustle knew deep down that the reason he was assigned to these misfits was because no one trusted him with anything, he was a coward and he wasn't a very good shot, the only reason he had been made a sergeant was because his father was a Captain with some influence and he wanted to prove to his father he could do something right.

"Ok, now that we have covered how to throw a grenade maybe we could practice a few shots at some trees, but first I want you all to run for 5 min first along the tree line, I'm sure you all can do that." Dustle said to the squad

The field was a little unusual as it was in the middle of a forest and surrounded by trees, yet no trees had grown in in that area, only grass. It seemed a little bit odd, if some exspolsions had taken place it would explain a few things but it was just odd. Nothing about it made sense, but it was still a good place to train them in the basics. As Dustle watched them all run, then he noticed one soldier was having trouble and was tiring in less than 60 seconds and was starting to slow down. He wasn't fat or anything but he clearly was out of shape and wasn't fit to run around. Dustle ran over to him and started jogging along side him and started hounding him to move faster and to keep up with the others. It was Alesso he was not supposed to be anyone promising, he was not fit and he had no skill that he could exploit from him, but Dustle needed to get him in shape at least.

"I'm sorry sir but I getting out of breath." Alesso said to Dustle

"Your just what the enemy is looking for, a slow one, your the easy target. I am only doing this to help you survive, so get running because if you don't, when the shots start flying your not gonna get out of there sights in time." Dustle said to him

"I-I"ll try sir." he said before picking up the pace

Dustle sat down and watched them run, he prayed at least one of them could shoot straight at least. He knew that for many of them it would be the first time getting any target practice. After five min. he called them all over and had them all get in single file line. He pointed to a tree and told them to hit the tree trunk which was about as wide as a man and it was a fire retardant tree which would prevent a forest fire. He knew this would be a good measure to see if they could hit a still target at least. He told them all to take ten shots and he noted how much they hit the tree and then took there name, he wasn't to impressed with anyone, they all were 4-6 shots with there lasguns until he got to the sixth person. He wrote down nine out of ten.

"Name?" he asked in shock

"Alesso." he said

Dustle pulled out his soldier information cards and flipped through Alesso's. He read through it again and again trying to figure this all out. Maybe he had cheated, so he ordered him to fire twenty shots at the tree, this time with him looking at Alesso, he hit eighteen out of twenty and the tree was starting to catch fire for a few seconds before the fire died, unable to eat the wood. He looked at Alesso's file one more time and looked at him straight in the eye.

"Is this really the very first time you've fire a weapon?" he asked him

"Yes sir. I have never held one before they issued me this one." he said

Dustle had found someone who was a great shot or maybe the making of a marksman. Looks like he finally found something Alesso was good at, and all this was from a draftee just beginning informal training. Maybe someone could mold him into a sniper one day, he thought to himself before telling him to go over to where the others were. Dustle underlined Alesso's name on his paper and wrote "this is the one" next to his name.

"Ok men inspection time." he said to them

Jeck was talking to Brendle when he heard Dustle say it was time for inspection. Jeck instantly grew nervous and hopped that his plan would work. Jeck was from a small town and worked in a pub, he had only joined because he wanted to fight for the emperor but he wasn't good at making plans. Brendle often said his plans sucked but it was all he could come up with and this time his plan was what he though was fool proof, again. Jeck had lost his bayonet and he got some wood and widdled a new one. He planned to grab one of the rebels bayonet after they went into battle and if Dustle found out he might be shot, Jeck didn't know if he had the power or will to shoot him but he didn't want to find out. He just stood there and played it cool to trying not to look like he hadn't done something bad. As Dustle came up to him he looked at his uniform and lasgun but then he asked for Jeck's bayonet, Jeck's worst nightmare.

"Sorry sir but I promised my father I would not take it out of its sheith outside of battle and to only pull it out to kill someone."

"Give it to me now soldier!" Dustle ordered

"Ok but let the emperor turn my bayonet to wood for doing this." he said a few moments before before pulling it out

Dustle glared at him with a mad look in his eye as everyone snickered, looking at the two waiting to see what would happen. Then Dustle grabbed it and inspected it and was surprised at the dedication and skill that was used to make it.

"This is one fine wooden bayonet you've got." he said to him

"I didn't make it sir, why I don't know what-"

Dustle smacked him across the face with the side of the bayonet, punched him in the gut and then shoved it in his hand before moving on to Besa. Besa the only other girl in the squad and he began her inspection by making sure the lasgun and bayonet was in order. However when he inspected her las power packs she had more than the rest of the troops.

"You have a lot of power packs." he said

"Is it to much ammo?"

"My father told me that you never have to much ammo unless your house is on fire. I'm going to follow that rule right now so your good." he said while making sure everything else was in order.

"Stop staring at my ass buddy." she said as he stared at her back side

"It's your canteen I'm looking at. Why does it have a small hose attached to it?" he asked with curiosity

"I can drink from it without unstrapping it while I walk. I'm experimenting with it."

Dustle made another face palm and thought "What am I gonna do with these people."

"Do you see them, my Brothers? Do you see how they quake and tremble with fear? Soon, they shall know that all their fears are pale compared to the terror that will grip their vile souls when they hear the choir that is our bolters for we are veterans of over a thousand campaigns, do not come before an Angel of Death and his weaponry."


hippta243-
Inquisitor: Wait, What?!?! You mean I can finally stop pretending to be a pretentious asshole and carry out my.... "research" on Eldar and Tau females unmolested?!?! This wonderful news! Come Maria, my loyal unsanctioned psyker, we have much "research" to catch up on!

Maria: By the Emperor master, why do you always shout out heretical thoughts when your excited? Especially the part about me.

Inquisitor: .............QUICK, BACK TO THE SHIP!

Last edited by snarst; 06-08-10 at 02:47 AM.
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