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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-30-10, 02:39 AM Thread Starter
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I guess you can already tell what this is about, of course it's about Guardsmen, this shows what happens when a Platoon is sent in ill-equipped for a certain task and adapts to it.

1.Hostiles


‘Retreat, back to the trenches, get out of here,’ yelled Sergeant Solaris to his squad as his squad charged across the open ground towards the flashing guns of the Tau as they ripped through his men.
‘Cowards die in shame sergeant, if you run I will execute you and you will be branded a coward,’ replied Commissar Alexander.
‘Go men, retreat, stay safe,’ continued Solaris, ‘run, kee…’
Solaris never got to finish his sentence as it was ended by the crack of a Bolt Pistol.
‘Coward, fight men, keep fighting, when we win we shall reap the glories,’ yelled Commissar Alexander to the three squads in the platoon. Alexander turned, his muscled body tensing for the slightest change. He saw the three attached Autocannon teams firing overtime. They had their work cut out for themselves.
He turned back to the gun line in front of him and sighed, more men for the meat grinder.
‘Today men, we fight, move, keep firing, make those Tau dogs limp back to their masters, we will show them what guardsmen do,’ he yelled as he saw the trenches of the Tau appear out of the smog, he drew his Chainsword and holstered his pistol, This was going to be a hard battle.
Alexander and his men crested the trenches and as the guardsmen flung frag grenades into the trenches Alexander turned to one of the sergeants.
‘Sergeant, what is the situation?’
‘We’ve lost five men from Alpha and Beta and Charlie is close to annihilated, the Autocannon teams are low on ammo and they are running high on targets,’ replied Sergeant Daniel.
‘Sweet Emperor, this is going to be close,’ swore Alexander.
Alexander then saw Guardsmen launch themselves into the trenches. The defensive fire from the Tau warriors ripped the guardsmen apart before they knew what was shooting where.
‘Move, get in those trenches,’ yelled Alexander jumping into the trench, thumbing his Chainsword’s activation rune, when he landed in the trenches Alexanders face was greeted by the barrel end of a Tau rifle, Alexander responded by flicking the barrel away from his with his blade and punching the warrior in the face, which carried the resounding crack of the warriors nose launching into the brain, the warrior stood, dumbstruck as its body was yet to realise that it was dead, the warrior pulled the trigger and flopped over. Then Alexander turned and saw the remaining fifteen men in the platoon raise their lasguns in joy, they had done it; they had taken trench twenty three. But Alexander knew that it was the beginning of a much larger battle, the Tau would release many untold threats upon their position, and this was all that was their to respond to it, thirteen Guardsmen, two sergeants and three Autocannon teams; and of course, Company Commissar Alexander Fortis.

I'm a major fan of Winston Churchill and Walter Tompson (his bodyguard.) So that is why my avatar is of Winson and Walter. No I'm not wierd, I'm not stupid, I'm just Snowy.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-04-10, 02:40 PM
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Just from a fluff point of view, the tau would never entrench themselves unless this was a rear guard, they believe in holding man power over position.

As a story, lay out wise, spread it out a little more, blocks of text are hard to read. Action wise it was intense and fast, paced the commissar realistic yet ultimately unvisable.

There really needs to be a little description in this. I cant visualise anything, dont know the comissar the colour of the tau warriors armour, i can only assume.

Other than that it was quick clean and well written

kudos to lillian thorne for the awesome sig
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-04-10, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah, I've always written a bit like that, the next bit of the story I'm trying to make a bit more intracate.

I'm a major fan of Winston Churchill and Walter Tompson (his bodyguard.) So that is why my avatar is of Winson and Walter. No I'm not wierd, I'm not stupid, I'm just Snowy.

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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-05-10, 08:28 AM
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Just a few quick comments to hopefully help you out in the future:

Quote:
as his squad charged across the open ground towards the flashing guns of the Tau as they ripped through his men.
I'd recommend trying to avoid "as his...as they" in close repetition to one another. It draws out the sentence unnecessarily without giving the reader a chance to mentally breathe.

As forums do not allow for indentation (thereby making blocks of paragraphs harder to see), separate each paragraph with a space. This will make it much more pleasant to look on, and keep people from becoming overwhelmed. It's not such a big deal with a nice, short entry, but once you start writing more and more it'll become painful to try and sort through a never-ending block.

Try to through in a bit more description, especially towards the beginning. While it is possible to convey a scene through dialogue, it is very difficult to fully encapsulate a battle with speaking alone.

Try varying up the punctuation a bit. If the Commissar is yelling, have him yell. "Get moving, you dogs!" is much more effective than "Get moving, you dogs."

Quote:
the Autocannon teams are low on ammo and they are running high on targets,’
Enjoyed this line

Good stuff though, as deathbringer said. Short, sweet, and to the point. Write on!


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.

Last edited by Boc; 06-05-10 at 08:30 AM.
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