The Unserious Adventures of Private William
So I tried writing something serious but it didn't turn out well so I wrote some humor instead.
“I don’t get it… why do we always have to go on patrol in the worst part of the sector… I mean, let’s face it, the eldar are going to win this battle. We got like what? Five hundred conscripts against four hundred battle harden eldar? With a farseer I presume. You’ve heard about farseers haven’t you William? I’ve heard that they can clear out entire regiments with a single glare or even destroy a tank with flick of the wrist! They’ve got fucking mind bullets!”
Of all of the guardsmen William was sent to patrol with, Dorito was the most annoying. Every word that Dorito spat from his trap was the sound of claws being dragged across the chalk board. If there was one thing that William wanted to happen right now was a pair of eldar to surprise them and kill them both. Being on patrol with Dorito was a living hell.
“Look, Dorito. I know that you are paranoid about the eldar destroy us but let us be a little optimistic here. We have an armor division here to back us up.”
Dorito in his high pitch whiney voice immediately rebutted “Oh wow! A few chimeras and two sentinels! Like that’s going to stop a few eldar with technology that could rape a few guardsmen within a couple of seconds! You know what William? Were screwed. Game over man, game over!”
Dorito then reached in his back pocket and pulled out a snickers bar which he hastily devoured, leaving bits of peanut and chocolate on his neck beard. Dorito is renowned for his comfort food habit which has lead to him to be nicknamed fatass by the commissioner.
William sighed “you know, maybe this is the reason why you have no friends…”
“Prove it!” squealed Dorito “Give me ten reasons why” as Dorito put his fingers up acting like quotations “I don’t have any friends?”
William stared at Dorito. He then turned his head and produced a large grin “ten reasons? I’ll give you ten reasons! Number one, you’re a fatass. Number two; you have the whiniest voice that ever graced the Imperium. Number three, you can’t shoot to save your own life. Number four, for Emperor’s sake you listen to Nickleback! Number five, you…”
Dorito gave a shriek then lumped over dead. William froze as his mouth dropped to see that Dorito had been shot in the back of the head with his brains spilled across the grass. He stood there for a few seconds trying to process what has happened to his fat little friend. William then tilted his head up and silently spoke “Thank you Emperor…” just before he started to sprint back towards camp.
William must of ran for about two hours before he reached camp. He couldn’t believe that Dorito was shot in the back of the head during the most painful patrol ever… but yet it was a blessing of epic proportions at the same time! William then noticed he was in familiar territory as he could see the ridge in where his camp was posted. But something was wrong… terribly wrong. There wasn’t a sound to be heard from the camp. No noise of men practicing for the campaign, no noise of commissioners blowing the brains out of scared guardsmen, not even the noise of Mark’s three o’clock dump (which is notorious for his amazing sound effects on the pot). Instead William found the dead bodies of his platoon with trashed version of his previous camp. He could tell who did it: it was the Eldar.
“Whoopie-fucking-doo” William sarcastically spitted out as he trotted over the lumps of dead bodies “Well… let’s see if there is any grub left over…”
William then headed over to the make shift kitchen. He pulled apart the entry of the tent, looking around if anything edible was in sight. When all hope was lost, he noticed a white box… it was the fridge! He hastily headed over to the white box of delicious salvation and open the door to disappointment.
He starred with sorrow to see the terrible contents “uugggg… as usually nothing good happens to a guardsman… let’s see here… Velveeta cheese? Nope… I-Cant-Believe-Its-Not-Butter? Rather be tortured than to taste that… Oh for the love of the Emperor! RC Cola?! Really?! Have we sunken to a new low here?!”
Before William could complain more, the sounds of footsteps were heard directly behind him. William froze. He thought quickly to himself “the eldar must have come to finish me off! I am so screwed!” Then he felt a jerk, as if two people were pulling him away. He started to say something as he was being dragged off but he felt a sharp jolt and he was unconscious.
It must have been a hour before William awoke. He tried to move, but he felt his hands and feet were tied up. Soon he regained his vision and stared up to a intimidating sight. There was a eldar ranger, guardian and farseer looking down at him.
“I’vshtol, you watch the mon’keig while me and Hastur go look to see if there are any other survivors.”
William watched the farseer and guardian walk off to the other end of the camp. It was a couple seconds later before the ranger spoke.
“Aren’t you the guardsmen who ran off last night after I blew up your friend?”
“Sadly I am…” William said with shame, seeing that the ranger saw him as a coward.
“Well… I have never seen such an annoying little fatass like him before… I felt so bad for you that you were stuck with him that… well… that I felt inclined to blast the creature's head off! I’m sorry about that, I…”
William stared up at the ranger “honestly I love you for doing that. I cannot imagine anything more painful right now than going on patrol with him.”
“Oh I know” the ranger said in a surprised tone “I feel your pain too. As soon as I heard that the little asswipe listened to Nickleback, I knew that you were stuck with a curse.”
“Well thanks… that’s the first time someone has actually done something nice for me.”
“Oh no problem. If you think your friend was bad you should listen in on a banshee conversation. It’s just painful to the ears.”
William and the ranger turned to their attention to the farseer and the guardian. The farseer walked towards the ranger with a brightly colored magazine in one hand. He flipped it open so that both the ranger and the guardian could see as well. All three of them were staring at the magazine with incredible interest. William soon heard muffled words coming from all three of them.
“I’d totally hit that.”
“Whoa… she’s got one fine rack.”
“Can they really do that? I wish the women at home could too.”
“Why don’t we have this kind of stuff back at the craftworld.”
William didn’t understand what was going on. What surprised them about this magazine? William then focused his eyes and silently read the title of the magazine “Sisters of Battle Gone Wild.” The three eldar continued to turn the pages with expressions of amazement and excitement. Then the farseer closed the magazine and slowly walked towards William. He bent down and with a expression of embarrassment and slowly asked “can… can we keep this?”
Last edited by ThatOtherGuy; 04-16-10 at 02:23 AM.