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Default Voices across the Void: Prequel

OK, so here is this fanfiction that I have been writing for the past month. I will admit that I am not the best writer, infact, Im do more humor rather than some serious stuff. But anyways, here is my serious stuff. This story is a prequel for a bigger story if anyone cares (I love making fun of my own work). I hope you enjoy. I do enjoy critiques and remarks!

Chapter one:

133. M42 – Inquisitor Augustine Horatio

~Begin Log

In all my life of purging demons, I have never thought I would come across such a challenge and a mystery than the horrors that proceeded on the planet Ulshter in Segmentum Tempestus.

At first it was a simple task: purge the chaos war band. I have done such tasks with usually little problem. This time, however, proved to be too costly. I arrived at dawn with my accomplices at the small fort of Olvestard, located to the south of the city of Novigard. I was requested by the governor to help purge the chaos war band that terrorized most of the planet. They have earned a reputation of being almost unparalleled in hand-to-hand combat and ranged warfare. Scouts have informed there is about fifty of them: 44 are the standard traitorous marines, 5 terminators and a chaos lord. So far, as the governor said, that all Imperial Guardsmen attempts to remove them have been met with failure. I questioned him on how long they have been here, and he reported that they have been here for about two months. Usually, he continued on, they would have been removed by this point, but apparently they have some sort of demon that is at their command. With that beast they have taken over the southern states and now moving up to our position.

I questioned him further about how the Adeptus Astartes was not told of this before he was requested. The governor gave me the chilling answer that he did. He stated that a platoon of Imperial Fists came down to purge the traitors but were butchered instead. The governor continued on that another platoon with heavier re-enforcements are on their way, and scheduled to arrive within the day. I then decided to leave the poor man’s office and headed down to Olvestard. Me and my retinue stayed at the camp for about 2 days, collecting and interviewing the guards that were stationed down there, to see if we can get additional information about this war band. The information is the same as the governors’, but we did scrape a piece of information that is absolutely surprising: the demon apparently is not “tuned” with the warp. This brought up questions if this legion really has a demon or has instead a abominable beast of some type. This also led me to ask myself why is there a chaos band here, so far away from the warp. These questions however, would be worked out afterword.

After the arrival of the Imperial Fist regiment, we left Olvestard immediately. The regiment was lead by sergeant Laurence with 25 marines, 2 terminators and a dreadnaught. A force like this for a war band proves that this mission is much more dangerous and critical than I thought it would be. Nevertheless we moved on. We moved on for about a day and a half till the scouts finally found the war band. Me and Laurence along with two marines moved up ahead to see what we were facing. There is what the governor described: 44 marines, 5 terminators and the chaos lord. The war band appeared to be a chaos-undivided band, with their armor painted black with silver-steel for the rims and highlights, while their shoulders were blood red. But then something caught my eye: their weaponry. It appeared that they replaced their bolters with some sort of high powered rifle, similar to a exitus rifle. I didn’t realize till later, that these rifles were not bolter round rifles. These rifles apparently fire solid slugs of some-sort of metal compound that could easily puncture any armor, while being unnaturally accurate. This was proven when we finally engaged the enemy.

We advanced upon them with ferocity. We had the terrain on our side, providing better cover than their open field. Five of the marines were equipped with heavy bolters, which they set up in no time. But before they could pull the trigger, three of them fell over dead missing their head. As it was speculated later, they had got shot in the head with the enemy’s “slug rifles”, which proved as I said earlier, their incredible potency. Nevertheless we carried on. It wasn’t till moments later that we had already lost ten marines. It seemed they now won this battle, but then the tables turned back to our side. The dreadnaught that was assigned to us soon strode to the enemy. It bashed through the traitors like a wolf does to its prey. We killed about twenty of those bastards before they retreated to the top of the hill opposite to us. For some strange reason, the firing ceased, and the dreadnaught stood still. The chaos lord walked forward. He was laughing at us. I told Sergeant Laurence that we should press on, but he stood stead fast. Before I could teach that stubborn marine a lesson, the chaos lord called out “So you have come here to destroy me and my band, is that true?”

I yelled back to him “You and your traitorous company are hereby to be executed for your heresy and the deaths of thousands of innocent people! I shall not have a servant of chaos taint the Imperium no longer!” The chaos lord then erupted into insane laughter. “Are you assuming that I serve the pathetic demons who call themselves gods!? No my friend, no! I serve a greater master… And today, you will have the honor of meeting one of his finest minions!” He then turned around and shouted “I sisitu ina alal!”

I will never forget those words for as long as I exist. From that chant came forth the demon the governor and troops rumored about. It was a massive humanoid creature, about thirty five feet tall. Its skin was made of melted metal and stone with burning fire pouring out of the cracks and the sockets to where its eyes are supposed to be were that of fire. It was literally a giant made of stone, metal and fire. It stopped for a moment. Looked at us, then at the dreadnaught, then to the chaos lord. The chaos lord gave the signal, and then the demon stood erect and gave out a bone chilling roar, which set its body from charred surface to a full blazed inferno. It then sprinted to the dreadnaught with unnatural dexterity, and in return the dreadnaught charged with full force. It wasn’t even a fair fight. The giant literally pressed its hand down on top of the hull and melted the body of the machine to a gooey pile of steaming metal. It laughed.

Sergeant Laurence then shouted out orders for a tactical withdrawal. Usually, as a inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus, I would press on against the demon and fight it till the death. But fighting this demon head on would be suicidal and unfruitful. So we commenced with the full withdrawal. Sergeant Laurence then grabbed his vox and contacted with the Imperial Barge and asked for reinforcements. He yelled “Bring everyone down here now! This situation has become almost uncontainable!” he continued to argue with his superiors as we were all sprinting back to Olvestard. “How many troops are needed?! BRING THE WHOLE F**KING FIRST COMPANY!!!” I grabbed the vox from his hand. “This is Inquisitor Augustine Horatio of the Ordo Malleus! I want a full evacuation of the fort of Olvestard and the city Novigard ASAP! DO YOU HERE ME?!” The ship commander responded and sent out the message to evacuate. I tuned back “I would like to request that you send no re-enforcements whatsoever! I also demand that you send in a thunder hawk about 20 miles from our position ASAP!” Laurence gazed at me with disgust and confusion “Are you f**king mad?! How are we going to kill this demon from Emperor-knows-where?!” I told him to just keep moving to the LZ. I looked back briefly to see how the marines were doing in keeping up. I shouldn’t have looked back. The monster was catching up, and whenever he came up to a marine, he would simply pick him up, and from the heat from the monster was so hot that it would just melt and burn the marines in its hand.

We must have been sprinting for about 45 minutes before we spotted the thunder hawk. I got word from the vox that my retinue had evacuated as well and are now aboard the imperial barge. It was literally me and Sergeant Laurence. Everyone else was either trampled by that demon or turned into a pile of melted metal and flesh from the creature’s grasp. We literally lunged into the thunder hawk, and barely made it out. When I looked down the monster was right below us. I grabbed the vox and tuned in to the station commander of the barge and gave him on simple order: Exterminate this area. “Here is my position. Now I demand you from the authority of the inquisition and the Emperor to bombard this place till there’s nothing left! YOU READ ME?!” Within a minute the sky started to rain fire upon the spot. The demon roared at us as we barely escaped. All I was thinking right now was that hopefully the demon will be destroyed by the bombardment.

The next day I got a report back saying that the orbital bombardment destroyed the monster. Instead of going about my business and heading off back to HQ, I decided to visit the scene. When I arrived there were already a number of Imperial Fist servitors and the like examining and studying the place. I approached the leader of this investigation and questioned him on what they were hoping to accomplish here. The man responded saying that “after what Sergeant Laurence explained, the captain ordered a search party to see if we can find some of the material the creature was made of. So far we have found bits and scrapes of the remains, but the majority must have been obliterated beyond recovery.” He then sent me the results of what the creature was made of and the results were surprising. The demon was apparently made of molten adamantium and a strange stone substance completely foreign to our data bases. This clearly explained why the creature was almost indestructible, but what stumped me the most was how did they put a demon soul into a completely inanimate object without any warp presence? I still think about this since then. Never mind, I need a break from this job. I’m getting too old for this.

~End of Log.

_____________________
That was a entry log if anyone noticed ^^
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Chapter two:


It’s been five days after the incident on Ulshter. Inquisitor Horatio had been a rest since that disturbing incident, which basically meant for him was doing some paper work and teaching his new apprentice Samuel how not to eye goggle at the local women. The news of this incident was kept in deep secret upon the request of Horatio and Lieutenant Laurence of the Imperial Fists. Both the Ordo Malleus and the Imperial Fist Commander agreed to keep the exact info and details closed, even among other Inquisitors of the other orders and the Grey Knights. Still, even with the privacy and peace of mind that was given to him, Horatio still had terrible nightmares and memories of the dammed demon.

In every situation that he has dealt with, he never retreated, always fought till the end, and always never gave mercy to the heretic or traitor. He had faced bloodthirsters, blood letters, deamonettes and even was part in a purge against a keeper of secrets which all hardened his nerves of steel against all unholy scenarios. But even with his hardened mentality and skill, the demon on Ulshter almost proved to be a challenge almost considered impossible. This demon, unlike all that he has ever faced was more than a monster… it was an abomination. An abomination that was bent on undoing everything that life has built. Witnessing the beast was almost unbearable, for no entity that he has ever encountered showed such malice and destruction. But as an inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus, he kept his thoughts to himself and personally tried to forget them, if he could.

Horatio then came back to Ulshter after his little hiatus. He was ordered to question and investigate even further at the city of Novigard. This time, however, he came alone leaving his retinue behind. He set up his temporary quarters in the governor’s office, for the governor himself was honorably discharged from his position. Even with the governor out of office, Horatio still sought out the man to see if he can get additional information. He soon found the ex-governor, but found him in terrible condition.

The poor man himself had almost died of alcohol poisoning as he stated “trying to drink the memories away of all of the poor men who died from the monster and that blasted war band”. Nevertheless, Horatio took him in into questioning. He asked him why, of all of the space marine chapters were the Imperial Fists were the ones to respond. The governor replied that he needed them to help build fortifications against a possible attack from a rumored ork waaagh! He continued that Ulshter has some of the most advance power facilities in the Imperium, so that it made this incredibly important and vital place to protect. He continued that scanners from Olvestad and several other military bases picked up signals of ork ships within the vicinity which caused him to immediately fortified the power plants, for losing the plants would not only be a disaster, it would also destroy his political career.

After the questioning, Horatio found the man to be clean of taint and dismissed him after finding no other additional information. Following that, Horatio soon got word that the chaos war band was nowhere to be found. The guards positioned at Olvestad responded that all scanners across the southern territories and states had picked up nothing at all, leaving the conclusion that they must of left before the orbital bombardment was commenced and headed off to probably another planet or system. Horatio then concluded that this word was deemed safe… for the moment.

But of course his work was not done. Horatio then left to head back onto the Imperial Fist battle ship to pack up his stuff and equipment and head back over to HQ on the planet Castile. He was almost finished with packing his stuff until the vox by the door sent him a message. “Inquisitor Horatio? We have some special company that would like to have an audience with you.” Horatio then tuned in and replied “Send them in”. The last thing he wanted was to deal with more investigation on Ulshter and the incident that happened about a week ago. There cannot be possibly anything more to dig up on that backwater rock they called Ulshter. The door opened, and walked in Inquisitor Hadrian from the Ordo Xenos. Horatio was surprised and relieved at the same time “Well look what the cat dragged in!” “It’s been a long time you old dirty man!” Hadrian replied. The two men then gave a formal greeting to each other. “Come, come, sit down. What brings you here my old friend?” Said Horatio. “Well, I was coming down on my way to the planet Ghaal, being told that there was signs of a possible ork invasion but then told at the last minute that Raven Guard was on the case and which they found nothing. Honestly this has only happened about twice in my life, and believe me, it’s always nice to have a breather. I was about to turn around but then herd word that there was a inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus doing a investigation on Ulshter, of course near Ghaal. I asked who was the inquisitor in charge of the mission and they told me it was Horatio! I thought to myself ‘might as well see how the old coot is doing’. So here I am.” Replied Hadrian. There was a few seconds of silence then both burst into laughter.

It was about twenty minutes and both still we chatting away, this time diving into the topics about their “henchmen” as they called it. “I swear by the Emperor that my tech priest is infested with nurgleings. He just reeks terribly” chuckled Hadrian. “Don’t the entire Adaptes Mechnicus smell like mold? I personally never met one that was even close to tolerable when it comes to stench, by the Emperor they really need to do something about that.” Said Horatio. The two of them continued on, until Hadrian asked “So what were doing you doing down on Ulshter? What did they assign you this time?” There was a long pause. “Your better off not knowing.” Horatio said with a sorrowful tone. There was a silent pause. Hadrian was surprised with this answer. “Honestly. What really happened down there? It couldn’t have been that terrible.”Hadrian said. “Seriously” Horatio said “It’s something your better off not knowing. This is something that I can’t even digest”. Hadrian then spoke “Look. I know that you have been through incredible challenges and defeated enemies that would scare the living daylights out of most marines, but it couldn’t have been that terr-…” Hadrian was cut off by Horatio “Honestly, you’re my closest friend and most trusted inquisitor in the Imperium, but for your sanity you are better off not knowing!” The silence appeared again.

“You’ve been tempted by chaos haven’t you?” Horatio then exploded out “I have not been tempted by chaos! It’s just what happened down there will stay down there! It for the better of the Imperium for this to stay quiet!” Hadrian now was suspicious of Horatio’s reaction “Tell me” he said “If you have not been tainted by chaos, then what really happened down there? If you are pure and clean as you speak of, then there should be no harm or guilt of speaking about it.” Horatio then gave a deep sigh that was full of pain “All right, I will put it in the simplest terms. Me and a small company of marines fought against a greater demon of unknown origins. This demon however, was nothing that I have ever faced. It had no connection to the warp whatsoever! It was, however, still powered by something un-natural. I cannot put my figure on it, which has been driving me up the wall. Seriously, think about it! It was an inanimate object that was fueled by hate and destruction that would make most of the Blood God’s minions seem like pacifists. The monster destroyed a dreadnaught by simply putting its hand on it! But as I said, it had no presence of a soul inside of it! None of the anti-demon wards or charms didn’t even seem to phase it for a second! It baffles me and… makes me worried that we possibly… possibly have a new threat to the Imperium…” Hadrian was stunned. He knew that Horatio was telling this all truthfully… which was the most disturbing part of it.

Hadrian pondered for a moment then spoke “honestly Horatio, this is almost impossible for me to believe. I’ve heard of cases where young inquisitors getting spooked, but of all of the inquisitors that I know, this should have been nothing to you! I think that you are working too hard and your age is catching up to you. You’re simply dreaming.” Horatio was stunned at Hadrian’s reply. “You honestly think this is all utter bullshit?!” “I see no proof of this, that’s all.” Hadrian calmly stated, “If you have some sort of evidence then this would possibly make a bit more sense. I’m sorry old friend, but your age is getting the best of you.” Horatio was devastated with what Hadrian was saying. He didn’t have any evidence with him at all! Not anything he could scrounge up at the moment. All of the parts of the monster which were recovered are in top confiscated storage.

“Wait Horatio. Your bio-optical, does it have a recording feature by chance?” Horatio had completely forgotten about his bio-optical. “Why… yes… yes I do! I always have on record before every mission… I must have forgotten about it completely! I think I have the footage from the incident somewhere in my bag.” Horatio scrambled through is bag franticly until he found it. “Here it is!” Horatio then slid it across the table to Hadrian, who proceeded to plug it into one of the nearby computer drivers. After the successful upload they began watching the disturbing event. Hadrian’s eyes grew wide when he watched the part of the death of the dreadnaught. “By the Emperor… so… so you weren’t lying…” Hadrian was stunned. “Forgive me Horatio, I… I will never doubt your words again… by all that is sacred and holy, this thing is truly a abomination…” Hadrian paused for a moment then continued “Mind if I could have a copy of this? Something on here caught my eye and I would like to further investigate it. I promise on my soul and the Emperor that I will not share this with anyone.” Horatio became suspicious, but ultimately agreed, and then spoke “Well Hadrian, now you know my story. I’m sorry, but I honestly need to get moving, I just got a message saying that the Ordo Malleus has a new assignment for me.” “That ok, I need to get moving too. A while ago I got a report saying there might be a geanestealer infestation on a small space hulk that they would like for me to investigate and purge. It was wonderful to talk to you again.”

Horatio said farewell to Hadrian as he parted on his ship. Within seconds, Samuel impatiently asked “are we going to leave yet, this place I’m sorry to say, is incredibly boring.” Horatio smacked Samuel on the back of the head “Yes we are leaving, but to say such a thing in front of one of the most respected chapters is a act of arrogance and stupidity. You should be lucky that I took you in.”


Chapter Three:


The Imperium is a large vast empire that is constantly regulated by the Space Marines and the Inquisition. Unlike the Space Marines, who have thousands upon thousands of troops which can easily spread out and continuously be in contact with each other, Inquisitors are mostly spread very thin. Because of this, the Ordo Malleus, Xenos, and Hereticus have set up numerous HQ across the galaxy to continuously keep in contact with their inquisitors. Some are more famous than others due to location, while some are most remembered by the environment they are surrounded by. One of these HQs which is renowned for the environment is Castile. And on Castile it rains a lot, which Horatio finds it to be incredibly obnoxious.

Castile is one of the HQs in the Segmentum Tempestus, and the only one with Ordo Malleus representatives and offices related directly to the Ordo Malleus. All missions, meetings, papers, and equipment to Ordo Malleus inquisitors of the Segmentum Tempestus are here at Castile. This includes Horatio’s offices and equipment.

The flight from Ulshter to Castile was long and quiet. As usual during flights, Horatio was busy reading inquisitorial doctrine, contacting his servants down at Castile to prepare for his arrival and teaching Samuel on how to be a proper inquisitor. “Samuel, what are the four requirements that must be fulfilled before engaging demons or other chaos agents?” Samuel looked at the ground and paused, trying to dig though his mind to remember all four points. “Samuel?” Horatio continued “If you don’t remember these, then-” “Wait! I got em!” yelled Samuel “one, have undying faith to the Emperor, two, show your enemy no quarter or mercy, three, uuummm… three, be equipped with the proper gear for the situation and stay calm!” “That’s good Samuel, but you really need to memorize this. It’s for your own good.” Samuel sighed, and then dragged himself back to the corner to continue reading Imperial Doctrine. It was a little over an hour before the silence was broke again by Samuel. “Sir?” stumbled Samuel “Yes Samuel?” remarked Horatio “How did you lose your eye?” Horatio paused, put down his book, and smiled at Samuel.

“Well… I knew you were going to ask that eventually… It was on my first demon hunt. It was located on the planet Marduk in the Segmentum Obscurus sector. I was about 35, young… fresh… and incredibly full of myself. I was tasked to hunt down a rouge group of bloodletters that have been terrorizing the northern territories. A group of grey knights accompanied me to search and destroy them. We finally caught up to the demons and of course engaged in battle with them. I lost my eye when one of the bloodletter’s hellblades shlashed across my face and in returned, stabbed the bastard in heart. Luckily it only took my eye out. They replaced it later with this bio-optical that has been surprisingly helpful. I suggest you should get one too.” Samuel was in awe and curiosity.

Samuel then stumbled out another personal question “So how did you…uhh… I’m sorry to point out… how did you lose your arm?” Horatio’s grin grew wider. “Well the loss of my left arm is a long story… but I suppose we have plenty of time before we arrive on Castile.” Horatio sat and stared at the ceiling for a bit, rummaging through his mind to connect the pieces of the story correctly before he was going to present it to Samuel. “It was about twenty years ago” Horatio began “It was again in the Segmentum Obscurus sector. I was ordered in a demon hunt against the keeper of secrets Izza’kaban who was ravaging the world of Muspilheim. The demon so far had killed hundreds of thousands of people and was aided by the renegade chapter known as “The Angles of Ecstasy”. It was presumed that they summoned the demon and were taking part of aiding the demon in destroying the populace, which was proven correct later. I could have done the hunt by myself with, of course, the help of the Space Marines and Grey Knights. But in a slight twist, they sent Inquisitor Lamen Novvak of the Ordo Hereticus help me against the beast instead. He was accompanied by several regiments of Adepta Sororitas and a few pieces of artillery, saying that “they would prove helpful”. He was latter proven that they did not” Chuckled Horatio.

“So anyway, we made planet fall near the city of Godderdang and prepared our forces. We caught the renegade chapter and the demon just in time. The sisters proceeded to attack the troops, while me and Lamen went head on to the demon. Before we left the sisters, I told them exactly not to fire the artillery at the demon for it would only aggravate it. So the battle wore on but then things took a turn for the worse. Lamen had been wounded by one of the demons claws and in return the sisters who operated the artillery fired directly at the demon, ignoring my orders. The shells came down and miraculously blew off one of the demons legs. After the dust settled, I found that Lamen had died from the artillery hit. I finished off the beast by smashing its skull open with my flanged mace and the enemy routed. I then proceeded to charge the sisters who operated the artillery because of ignoring direct orders. They claimed in defense that “they were inspired by the Emperor to rain down holy fire against the demons of chaos.” They got away free of any charges. I learned a lesson that day: don’t trust the Adaptes Sororitas with artillery and explosives.” Samuel was memorized with Horatio’s story, but then said “you still didn’t tell me how you lost your arm.” Horatio then jolted “Oh that’s right. I lost my left arm because of the artillery blast too.” He and Samuel then began to laugh.

Two days passed before they arrived on Castile. As usual on Castile, it was raining. Horatio, Samuel and a few servitors carrying their equipment, proceeded to disembark the imperial barge and fly straight to the Inquisitorial Head Quarters. When they arrived they immediately headed off to his offices and quarters with haste. Samuel asked Horatio why he always avoided the other inquisitors. Horatio simply answered “not only do they waste our time, they also tend to be more annoying and, let’s say, always giving out poor advice to other apprentices.” They finally reached Horatio’s quarters, which was located down on the opposite side of the complex. Horatio then ordered Samuel to unload all of the equipment and clean up his office for he “never really liked the servitors when they were in charge of cleaning. They always have a habit of throwing out stuff randomly.” Horatio then proceeded to head down to the office of the Ordo Malleus representatives. It was a long walk down the hall, with its golden arches excessively used about and prayers written all over the walls. He somewhat enjoyed the walk down actually. For once he didn’t have to walk down to somewhere where the walls are deteriorating, moldy, or made of cold hard steel. In fact, he was appreciative that his offices and quarters were so nicely designed and clean, something that most inquisitors take for granted.

He finally reached the representatives offices. He pushed open the massive doors and walked right into the main room. He has never been to the representatives offices before and for the first time, it impressed him. Standing in the main room was like a child wandering in a forest. Massive pillars and gothic arches dominated the room, while the majority of the architecture was lined with gold trims and dramatic scenes of famous inquisitors of the past battling demons. While he was observing the room a voice rang out right behind him “Marvelous architecture isn’t?” Horatio then swung around. “You must be Horatio, correct?” Said the man. “Why yes, and you are?” The man gave the formal imperial greeting “My name is Pontius Izkabar and I am the head director of the Ordo Malleus representative’s offices here in the Segmentum Tempentus. I believe that I have been ordered to give you your new assignment. Its quiet important, for rarely dose the Grandmaster gives specific assignments to individual inquisitors. Lets discuss this more in my office, shall we?” Horatio then followed Pontius in his quarters.

Upon entering, Horatio was again captivated by the architecture of the Ordo Malleus. “Now” Pontius continued “The Grandmaster has sent you a very important assignment for you.” Pontius then waved his hand to a chair “please, take a seat” he continued. After Horatio made himself comfortable, Pontius changed his voice from warm welcoming tone to a calm but serious tone “I see that you have a outstanding record when it comes to hunting and purging demons, is that correct?” “Why yes, but I do not take personal pride and glory for it, for it is in the name of the Emperor that we purge such vileness.” Horatio firmly spoke. “Well that’s good. I’ve heard from rumors that the situation on Ulshter proved to be a difficult challenge for your skill, is that true?” Horatio widen his eyes then replied “yes it’s true… once in a while a inquisitor will face a enemy that tests his skills to the edge. If you were wondering, the demon was slain.” Pontius tilted his head “Good”. Pontius then pulled out a paper “Now Horatio, the new assignment that the Grandmaster has sent might be familiar, but rare for any Ordo Malleus inquisitor to take on.” Horatio was intrigued “The Grand master has ordered you to exterminate the war band that you have encountered on Ulshter. Speculation has accrued that this war band has increased its numbers from roughly fifty to about two-hundred and…” Horatio’s eyes widened and exploded in astonishment “How can that be?! It’s been a week and a half and they already quadrupled in size?!! How are they doing this!? For the Emperor, were in the Segmentum Tempentus, one of the least chaos occupied areas!”

“Horatio!” Pontius continued “This is what I got report of. I’ve been told now that they are located in the Segmentum Obsucus, maybe that will satisfy your question.” Horatio slowly sunk back into the chair “As where I left off Horatio, the war band has been capable, based off the incident of Ulshter, of summoning greater demons. You have the most knowledge of them and have the most insight of there, as it is reported here, new ‘magnetic gauss’ weaponry. Is this correct?” Horatio paused for a moment, for as Pontius spoke of the gauss weaponry that the war band used, he felt a slight whistle by his neck, as if one of the bullets flew by instead. “Yes that is correct Pontius” replied Horatio.

“Well then, I suppose that you should take off within… what? One? Two days perhaps?” Pontius asked. “I will leave when I have mustered the correct amount of troops needed for the situation.” Horatio said. “I will contact the Imperial Guard within the area, acknowledging them of your arrival.” Pontius calmly replied. “Also” Horatio sharply pointed out “I will need at least six grey knights with me, for I know they will have some sort of monstrosity with them. I am not going to take any chances again.” “It shall be done Horatio”. Horatio got up and then proceeded to the door. Before he could even turn the knob Pontius remembered another topic that Horatio needed to hear. “Horatio! I have one more thing that I need to go over with you.” Horatio turned around “Go on Pontius.”

“I know that your records show you that you have always soloed throughout most of your life, with the recent exception of Samuel… by the way, how old is he? Just for the sakes of records that we need to update…” “He just turned fifteen… and just discovered women” chuckled Horatio. “Ok then. Continuing on the prior, the Grandmaster has sent you someone who could help you… you know, a additional personal for on the field work. He will be quiet useful if you ask me.” Horatio sharply rebutted “I don’t need anyone besides Samuel. If I have another person to take care of, then it will be even harder to finish any task!” Pontius sighed “Look Horatio, of all of the Ordo Malleus inquisitors, you are probably considered a legend when it comes to physical shape. You have had very few implants and augmentations and still battle demons which is literally amazing. But still, you will age without such treatment and with age, you will lose your health. So in conclusion, we are sending in a additional assistant to help you.” Horatio was enraged, not for the fact that he was told that he was too old to take care of himself, but for the fact Pontius was right. Without such augmentations that the other inquisitors have, he too will fade in time. Nevertheless, he thought to himself, he will fight to the end as the Emperor expects. Horatio then proceeded to head back to his offices.

Chapter Four

Samuel was sitting on the desk chair, once again reading inquisitor doctrine of the Ordo Malleus. “What’s taking him so long?” Samuel thought to himself. Feeling board and a little anxious, Samuel went to pester the servitor who was maintaining the computers and files in the back room. As soon as Samuel was half way across the room, the door opened. Horatio walked in with his usually look of a stern inquisitor, but this time it was blended in with a coat of distress. “Well Samuel” Horatio said “We are going to have a new assistant with us for the rest of the time being… as in until I die.” Samuel was intrigued and exited at the same time. “Who is it going to be?” Samuel eagerly replied “Is he… or she going to be a techpriest? A guard of some type? Or will it be a sanctioned pysker?!” There was a pause. “I honestly thought that you not be surprised of this… oh well, at least someone is excited.” Horatio muttered sarcastically. Samuel realized that Horatio was not too pleased about this. For as long as Samuel remembered, the only other assistant besides himself was a servitor, which always depended on the situation. In the end, it was always him and Horatio. “So… So I see you’re not terribly excited about this then” said Samuel. Horatio then turned to Samuel, wiping off his distressed look “You see Samuel, I have never been a fan of a entourage of assistants. I experimented once. In the end, I found that babysitting a group of people who claimed to be useful is more tedious then to get rid of a group of cultists in a hive world. After that, I soloed until I found you. Honestly, you have been the best investment that I have ever made… and the best assistant.” Samuel sat quietly, having a subtle look of pride on his face, then asked “So why did you choose me to be your acolyte or apprentice?”

Horatio once again spent a few seconds putting together the pieces of his memory, then started “I feel like it’s time that I tell you why I picked you over the students of the Schola Progenium. It was ten years ago, when you were about five. I was storming the small city of Inverness on the isolated planet of Aislar. I was accompanied with three regiments of imperial storm troopers and four grey knights. I was sent their on a cleansing mission of Inverness, for the roots of chaos there were too great to just pick out single individuals. It was when I stormed the local militia quarters in the heart of the city when I found you. It was… let’s put it this way… a surprising scene. You were there, huddled in the corner with a lasgun with two dead cultists lying at you feet. You apparently shot them both to death, which was quiet amazing feat for a five year old child. That was only one reasons why I took you in. The other reason was that when I saw your face, I saw a mixed expression of defiance, anger and faithfulness to the glorious Emperor. I knew you were someone special. So I ordered several storm troopers to take you back to the landing zone for a cleanup check and to give you some clothing and food. After purging Inverness, I came back to check up on you. Me and two of the knights did a thorough check to see if you were tainted, and you came out clean. I saw then that you would be a worthy apprentice. I was proven correct since then.” Samuel was quiet. He was humble yet proud and soon to produced a wide grin on his face. “That was a very interesting and unique story, inquisitor Horatio, it is incredibly unusual for a inquisitor to choose a apprentice by fate rather than through the Schola Progenium. From what I have been told, Samuel will be a worthy successor.”

Horatio and Samuel both turned their heads around. Standing there was Pontius and a massive grey knight. “Horatio, this is your new… ah, how should I put it… your new body guard” said Pontius. Horatio’s eyes grew wide “So the Ordo Malleus sent a grey knight for my assistance?” “Not just any grey knight Horatio. This is Brother Gottfried von Hohenlohe of the Grey Knights. He is a veteran Justicar sent here help you against your “investigation” on this new chaos uprising and these unfamiliar demons in the Segmentum Obscurus” said Pontius. “I hope he will be a great assistant and possibly a second mentor to Samuel while he is here.” Pontius then exited the room. “So brother Gottfried, before we leave tomorrow, I need know your history through your records and, as I would like to hear, a testimonial.” Said Horatio with interest. “I have served in many wars and purges with my brothers” began Gottfried “I have served the Ordo Malleus for 156 years and have personally been in the purge of Abraxies against the demon prince Unglight.” “That’s quite impressive on your part Gottfried. Moving along here, this is my apprentice Samuel. He has been with me for ten years and proved himself worthy and useful, so do not take him lightly. Second, I know you have been sent here to personally aid me in purging demons that the Ordo Malleus is completely new to, so I expect that you keep yourself at full alert at all times, especially on the battlefield, and especially listen to me when I give orders” said Horatio with a firm and stern voice. Horatio then began to look at Samuel and produced a big grin “Gottfried, as a first and personal order, I would like you to teach Samuel that women can be incredibly distracting in public, on the battlefield and on any inquisitorial work.” Samuel eyes then began to widen and his mouth began to partially drop as he pathetically blurted out “I can easily work on this by myself… I … I don’t need any help… I.” Gottfried then walked over to Samuel, making sure that he heard his heavy footsteps, then bent over and spoke to Samuel “follow me, and I will teach you some rules and tricks that will help you with your newfound “interest” in women, for if you want to be the proper inheritor of Horatio’s position, then you better start working on this right now.” Gottfried then took the trembling Samuel down the hall into one of the other Ordo Malleus offices.*

It was pitch black night. Horatio sat in his office, searching the data base to see if he could find any clues or info about this new “legion” that pretty much appeared over night. He didn’t expect to find anything, but as usual it’s always worth a try. Samuel was asleep in the next room, while brother Gottfried was busy with his work in the main administration offices among his fellow knights planning for the pursuit of the chaos band. Horatio was about to call it a night when all of a sudden the main monitor of the computer lit up. “Horatio?” sounded the computer. Horatio swung his head around and saw that an audio link was established between his computer and another source. “Horatio, are you in?” continued the audio link. Horatio replied back through his vox “Yes I am in. Who is this I am speaking too?” “It’s me Hadrian you old coot.” Horatio’s face of superstition was immediately changed to a smirk “Hadrian, what brings you up to call me?” “Horatio, I have found within your recording of the footage on Ulshter some very interesting and disturbing things. I’m going to upload you some images onto your monitor.” Horatio watched as three images immediately uploaded onto the screen.

The first picture was a zoomed in and focused shot of one of the traitorous marines holding his unique weaponry. The second picture was a zoom in on the chaos lord who was present at the battle. And the final image was an extreme close up of the chaos lord’s face. “Horatio, please look at image number one.” Horatio then enlarged the first image. Hadrian continued “At first you may see nothing new at all, just a simple traitorous marine. But if you look at him closely, you can see on his left shoulder that, even though it’s painted red, there are scratch marks, like as if someone was trying to get rid of previous paint or an image.” Horatio then focused in and noticed the scratching and distortion “Hadrian? If my eyes don’t lie to me, that looks like a former member of the Emperor’s Children, even though his armor is repainted.” Horatio spoke back into the vox. “Exactly Horatio! That was a previous member of the Emperor’s Children and he did scratch off his previous markings for this new group. I may not be a master in the art of understanding chaos legion organization, but what I’m guessing is that the chaos lord is incredibly persuasive and must have insane charisma. It is almost impossible to sway individuals away from the original traitorous legions, and for a chaos lord to achieve that is almost impossible!” Horatio then began to ponder while slumping back into his chair. “So” Horatio began “We are dealing with a conglomerate legion that is lead by a chaos lord with insane persuasion and heavily blessed by those blasphemous gods.” “Exactly Horatio” replied Hadrian on the other end “Now then, take a look at the second image.” Horatio then switched his monitor to enlarge the second image. “Take a good look at the chaos lord.” Hadrian said. Horatio the slowly analyzed the image and then something caught his attention: his entire body figure. “Hadrian, the chaos lord… his body frame is… is unnaturally different. I see no signs of body mutation or bionics of any kind too, which makes this all the more… disturbing.” Horatio said as his eyes widened. “Exactly Horatio. I did a image scan on him and the results were fascinating as well as horrendous. You see, his body structure is slimmer than a mans, and, only in a physical comparison, thicker than an eldar. But what rules out a possible ex-breed, for the Emperor have mercy if that happens, is that the body is perfectly proportional, it operates too gracefully for any comparison or hybrid. The scans tell us that he is about seven feet tall with armor, and six eight without. I mean, his body frame is in theory, vastly superior to any human, besides the all glorious Emperor, and even excels farther than eldar. It’s almost scary at the same time, I mean, I discussed the results with another Ordo Xenos inquisitor and we both ruled out the possibility that this man could be the next step in human perfection. I mean, think about it Horatio, the man’s physic is beyond perfect!” Hadrian replied, as his voice was strained with excitement as well as fear.

Hadrian continued “If you take a look at image three, I zoomed in on his face. If you look closely you will see that his face is perfectly symmetrical while also showing no signs of warp deterioration, scarring, or biological modification implants. As I said before, the man’s physic, face, mentality and voice are all… perfect! The mentality part is theoretical, but I wouldn’t rule that one out. Horatio… you were dam lucky to put that bio-optical on record that day, for we have made enormous progress on what is happening around this mini legion.” Horatio froze. Hadrian was right. This chaos lord… his armor, his height, his voice he heard that day, his movement and physic are all… perfect. Horatio slowly grabbed the vox and spoke “Hadrian… we need to talk again soon, for… for I theorize as well that… that… that this man might be a personal avatar of one of the chaos gods… or an avatar of all of them… but that’s a theory… by the Emperor…” “Horatio, I will admit that this is a huge theory even with a grain of salt, and saying such things like that are a little too… too hasty and unrational. But, a theory like that is only going to be either proven true or false when you confront him. But for the Emperor’s sake let’s hope it’s not true. I suggest you be extremely careful on this pursuit. All I can say now is… May the Emperor watch over you as you purge this scum. Signing out.”


*please be mature about this and dont image this as a side story rape scene. This is not 4chan.


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Chapter Five:

The only glimmer of light in the office came from the computer monitors or the few dimmed lights on the ceiling. Besides that, the room was full of a miserable darkness of confusion and disillusion. Horatio never felt so overwhelmed before with his thoughts. He kept asking to himself over and over again “what is happening here?” Not once in his life before has he ever felt so baffled. He now slowly recalled every event since Ulshter: The demon of fire. The advance magnetic weaponry the marines had. The words that chaos lord chanted. The disturbingly perfect physic the chaos lord has. All of these things made Horatio’s head spin. “There has got to be something going on here” Horatio muttered. Horatio has never been the one to make hasty un-rational decisions before, always taking the time to get the perfect conclusion. But all of these events that have passed have started to make Horatio a little on the edge. “Avatar of the Chaos Gods, phfffff!” Horatio mumbled to himself “What was I thinking there? Such a silly mistake. But yet as Hadrian said, that can only be proven true till I meet the bastard.” Horatio continued to stare off into nothingness for a while, piecing together of what happened a few hours ago. It was only time till he had to depart, yet to where? All he was assigned to do was destroy the war band to prevent further attempts on creating the unexplainable.

Usually this job like this is left to the Space Marines or Imperial Guard, not to an inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus. An inquisitor’s job is to destroy demon manifestations, not to hunt down a silly little war band that got lucky. Unless this war band has some information that is of extreme importance, there’s no need to bring in the Ordo Malleus, or even the inquisition at all. Horatio then got up to pace the room, thinking deeply to see if these events click together with other experiences, yet in the end all he got was pieces to a puzzle that never existed. Horatio, exhausted, went back to his chair and decided to get some rest before leaving at dawn.

It was about an hour till dawn when Horatio summoned Samuel to help pack his equipment. “But sir, don’t the servitors have all of the equipment packed up already?” Samuel replied in a rather whiny tone. Horatio then glanced at Samuel with a small grin on his face “Of course they do, but, there are a few pieces that need to be taken aboard by hand… and these pieces I don’t trust the servitors to handle.” Samuel immediately became suspicious of his tone. “Now then Samuel” Horatio continued “Go to my quarters and in the back of the room is a enhanced safety storage unit, and in it is my flanged mace. Here is the key, don’t lose it or I’ll think of something… interesting for a punishment.” Samuels face lighted with fear and grabbed the key and sprinted off to Horatio’s quarters. Gottfried then approached Horatio “My Lord? We have received coordinates to our destination. The war band has been sighted in the Segmentum Obscurus on the planet of Thuris. As you have commanded, we have the 733rd Cadian on its way to secure the area. It is believed that the war band has taken root in the major industrial port of Catamenina. Activity since then is unknown, but some regiments of the 733rd Cadian that were stationed there have surrounded the city as you have instructed.” “Excellent Gottfried” said Horatio “We will need at least 8 regiments and additional artillery. I would like to execute this as clean as possible, for I believe that if we end this in time, there will be little to clean up afterword.” About twenty minutes later, Samuel came back with Horatio’s flanged mace, still inside of the case in which it rested. Horatio looked at Samuel and chuckled, seeing that Samuel was completely out of breath from sprinting back and forth “Ah Samuel, you never disappoint me with your enthusiasm. Do you have the key?” Samuel scrambled around with his pockets and eventually pulled out the key, covered in lint. Horatio then took the case and headed off to the ship, with Gottfried following. Samuel was catching his breath before he pursued “I will never understand that old man’s humor” he muttered.

Thuris is a cold, dreary and miserable planet. The only reason for people to live there is for the vast amount of lumber and steel that the planet provides, which is a perplexing and complex to understand on why vegetation would grow on such hostile conditions. Besides that, the industry there is booming, and the people there, oddly enough, enjoy working and living there. Because of all of the natural resources and the slight tactical position of the planet, it has always been a favorite target of invasions… especially chaos. It is widely known, on the other hand, that the people themselves have always repelled small chaos invasions off of the planet, which has also lead it to be a great recruitment center for imperial guardsmen. But, for the first time in the history of Thuris, a chaos army has officially set root in the biggest industrial port of Catamenia on the planet… which has caused a major setback for the 733rd Cadian.

Horatio arrived on Thuris two weeks later upon departure of Castile. Warp travel has always made is easier to get to places, but always risked losing one’s life as well to demons and other foul manifestations, which always causes problems. Finally, after arriving to Thuris, Horatio and his retinue finally disembarked the cruiser and descended on to the makeshift landing strip that the 733rd Cadian have made for his arrival. The morning fog was the first thing that greeted them as they left the aircraft, second came the frigid cold winds and last the three foot deep snow. Horatio was never a fan of cold and rainy weather, which always seem to greet him at everywhere he went. Out of the fog came a tall man in a trench coat came striding up to Horatio, along with several guardsmen. “Greetings Horatio the great and mighty demon slayer, the 733rd Cadian welcomes you to Thuris. My name is Commissioner Arthur and I welcome you to the outskirts of what used to be Catamenia.” Horatio gave him a smile “That’s quiet honorable of you to welcome us here commissioner. But first with business, what is the situation and how severe is it?” Horatio and Arthur strode their way to camp while Arthur was giving the update “As you have know, Thuris has always been a favorable target for small chaos war bands, but for the first time, they have finally set a foot hold here in Catamenia. It was about a four hour siege before they officially took over the city. They had a… strange demon with them that proved to be the main reason for the failed defense.” Horatio turned his head with interest “Can you describe me what this demon was? Any specific physical characteristics? And how tall?”

Arthur gave him a surprised look but then responded as he was holding back some sort of fear “It was easily about thirty five or forty feet tall. Dark grey skin with a brown tint on it. The head looked like an fusion of a walrus, lion, bear and a rhino as best to describe it. The creature was bipedal, standing on two legs, barrel chest, and had for arms. The creature was incredibly muscular too and…” Horatio then quickly interrupted him “It had four arms?!” Arthur looked at him with the same expression “Believe me it did! In fact, reports say that when the creature stormed in the city, it literally flipped over a baneblade like it was some kind of toy!” Horatio then quickly understood the situation was much worse then he thought. Within four weeks, the same war band he had encountered has summoned another greater demon. This was a record on their part, but a nightmare on the imperium’s part. Horatio then remembered something else “What kind of weaponry were they equipped with?” Arthur then began to pull out the papers that had the information of the siege “Let’s see here… the few survivors had claimed that they had some of the marines had some sort of rifles that possessed incredible firepower with high accuracy… but that’s all they stated with no additional info sir.” Horatio suddenly felt that this situation was almost at critical level. Never before has a war band on Thuris have taken root like this and let alone conquer a city. “What about the efforts of recapturing the city then?” Arthur sighed and said “Most of the 733rd Cadian that was established here before we arrived a week ago has been slaughtered. Only a few, as I mentioned before have escaped with their lives. So with your arrival and request, we have arrived here to help retake the city before all hell truly breaks loose.”

Out of the mist was the 733rd Cadian camp, dotted with field barracks and several field command centers. There, guardsmen alike were stationed about the camp for 24/7 watch while the rest were in preparation for the assault. Horatio, Gottfried, Samuel and Arthur proceeded to the largest of the command centers to go over the battle strategy. They descended down into the large bunker complex and proceeded to war room. In the middle of the room there was a large holographic table, projecting a rough design of Catamenia and the outlying country side with strategic positions highlighted. As soon as Horatio entered the room, all men saluted to Horatio and to Arthur. “At ease men” Arthur shouted, and soon the room was back into work. “Now then Horatio” as Arthur began “Our base is located south of Catamenia, and as you can see we have artillery here at the south, east and north, with several platoons guarding each. The west is blocked by the Catamenia Sea, which works in our favor. Our best course of action is to suppress them from the north and south, forcing them to re-enforce those areas. Then by night, we strike at the east with our artillery where they least suspect it, catching them off guard. Then we can storm in with the armor division and troops, easily overwhelming them. With this, we can save the industrial zone, the sea port and the air-field, all of the vital areas of Catamenia.” Horatio then softly spoke “And me and Gottfried will pursue the demon and the chaos lord.” “Exactly!” Arthur promptly said “If we can take them by surprise in the morning when the fog is at its strongest, their vision will be hampered so bad that they will barely see us move in. If we attack in the nighttime when there is almost no fog, even with the darkness they can fire upon us with good accuracy.”

Darkness surrounded the men. The stars were barely visible and the vision of the men was hampered to the point that they couldn’t see even twelve feet ahead. The guardsmen were in position. Armored columns were lined up on the east with several basilisks in the back. There were about two thousand men on the north and south, with four thousand spearheading the attack on the east. The air was full of tension and fear as the silence took over like a vine on an abandoned building. Horatio, Gottfried and Commissioner Arthur were in the back line waiting for the signal to begin the bombardment. It was about an hour after everyone was in place before the signal was given to the artillery. “FIRE AT WILL!” Madly screamed Arthur. Within seconds, the screams and shrieks of artillery running through the sky began. Horatio watched as the artillery began to smash against the fortified wall of the city. Shell after shell, the artillery began to slowly crumble away the wall. The siege lasted till dawn but something was not right. The fog did not set in. Arthur was confused “this has never happened before! In all of my years serving in the 733rd Cadian on Thuris did the fog not set in on the morning!” Horatio looked at Arthur “Ignore the change of weather. INTO THE BREACH!”

The armored division then rolled forward following with them the guardsmen. They surged into the breach like a tsunami… but something was wrong. There were no defenses. There were no marines or cultists. The city was completely empty. Soon the guardsmen marched through the streets to see if there was any sign of life. Leman Russ’s were stationed at the center and other critical points throughout the city. There was no soul at all in the city. It was abandoned. Horatio and Gottfried proceeded to the main factory, sensing that the demon must be located there, for it was described that the industrial zone was the chaos hotbed. Yet again, no one was to be found. Gottfried tuned into his radio, communicating with the other leaders to see if they found anything at all. All reported nothing.

“This cant be right” muttered Gottfried. The place was dead silent, like a ghost town on Krieg. “Well, let’s proceed into the main factory. Maybe we can find a clue or hint somewhere in their… or possibly they are hiding in there.” Horatio then tuned in on the radio, ordering to send in a squad of stormtroopers, but then was interrupted by an insane scream. Soon the sounds of fire and confusion were heard down in the city center. Horatio then slowly turned his head to Gottfried “I think we found someone.” Both of them soon raced down to the center and briefly witnessed a gruesome sight. A tall monstrous creature with four massive arms charged into a group of guardsmen. It was the demon he was looking for. It fit all of the criteria that was explained to him… except for one feature: in each arm it held a massive cleaver like sword.

The demon charged into the guardsmen, slicing them up like wood put into a wood chipper. Blood spurted everywhere while limbs were tossed aside. The men vainly fired back at the creature, but every shot did not even put a dent into the creature. The demon continued to slice up everything that stood in its way. Tanks and field artillery were hacked to pieces effortlessly while the butchered bodies of guardsmen were laying everywhere. Blood soaked the ground as well as the side of buildings. Horatio and Gottfried sprinted twords the demon, but the creature took no concern at them. Instead, it continued to rampage through the streets, massacring all that stood in its way. The demon quickly moved out of their sight, but they continued to pursue it by following the inhuman screams of dying guardsmen. Horatio was about to turn around a corner, but then Gottfried grabbed him by the back of his collar, and pulled him back. Within a second, a leman russ exterminator was hurled through the cross fire, smashing light vehicles and a cohort of guardsmen. It was heard that within an hour, the colossal demon had killed already three thousand men. They continued that if the demon could not be brought down, not only a fourth of the 733rd Cadian stationed here would be annihilated, but the demon would easily go to city to city and slaughter everyone.

Horatio knew that he had to act fast, but an idea soon sparked to him. “Gottfried! Shouted Horatio “to the roof tops! If we can’t follow him on the streets, we can pursue him from above!” Horatio then kicked down the door to the apartment complex, and both of them then sprinted up to the top of the complex. There, on the roof, they spotted out the demon, proceeded to jump from roof top to roof top, quickly catching up to the beast. Gottfried then listened to his radio and got a report that every vehicle in the armored division posted in the city has been destroyed and almost all of the guardsmen are reported to be dead. It was also noted that Commissioner Arthur had been butchered by the demon in a valiant last stand, but quickly fell after a few minute in the duel. After the report, Horatio and Gottfried proceeded to move even more franticly, almost being unaware of the fate that would befall them if they slipped or jumped to short to the next roof. Finally they were looking down at the monster. The creature was now wading through the hundreds of corpses of the guardsmen, heading off to the breach to pursue the artillery. Horatio then thought it was now or never. He pulled out his flanged mace and with his eyes closed, leaped off the edge of the building and landed directly on the demons neck. The monstrous creature roared with anger and raged but that did not stop Horatio. Horatio then grabbed with one hand what it looked like to be the monsters mane, and with the other hand, proceed to bash the demons head continuously over and over again. The giant then shook his head with a violent jolt, which sent Horatio flying into a room of the adjacent apartment. Gottfried then leaped, and pulled out his nemesis sword, in which he proceeded to slid down the giant’s back while hacking at the spinal cord. They achieved what they wanted to do for a long time: catch the monster’s full attention.

The demon then flared up full of rage and with un-natural dexterity, the demon charged, blades swinging in the air with perfect harmony, slicing the debris and fallen bodies aside. Gottfried then braced himself for what he thought to be his last fight. The demon then proceeded to slash his blades in perfect rhythm against Gottfried, while the only thing that Gottfried could do in return was to turn aside each blade. The beast’s hits were so fast that it made it almost impossible to strike back. Gottfried’s sword was dwindling away at frightening pace. Soon the demon gave an enormous roar of agony. The monster then fell onto one knee with a crashing sound. It turned around and looked at Horatio, who smashed its left knee with his mace. But surprisingly that did not stop the demon. It grabbed Gottfried with its lower pair of arms and smacked Horatio aside with its upper pair. The monster slowly began to crush Gottfried with its massive hands while showing a massive grin that only an insane demon could produce.

The demon then roared again in pain. Horatio was on the creature’s shoulders, smashing away at its head, soon exposing its cranium. Bits and pieces of brain and blood were flying out as the demon began to lose conciseness. The demon then dropped Gottfried. Horatio then leapt off of the demon continuing to bash it over and over again on the head, but still the monster would not die. Gottfried then picked up one of the monsters blade’s and with a surge of devotion and strength, hacked off the demon’s head. Soon silence fell once again after the creature’s bloody body slumped to the floor, blood everywhere. Horatio and Gottfried were now breathing heavily looking at each other. Horatio then stood up and prayerfully spoke “Praise the Emperor this day, for we have purged a demon from the unknown abyss. Through the lives of three thousand men did the demon took, it fell to the blades of the Emperor’s finest and most righteous as its punishment was due. Praise be to the Emperor as he guides and protects the innocent of the Imperium. Amen.”


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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 06:03 AM
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Ok, so this is less a critique about your story than it is about the way it was posted, but it seemed like you had overly large blocks of text, and it started to hurt my eyes to read after a bit. Maybe you could try breaking up paragraphs into smaller chunks, or separating the paragraphs by where the dialogue occurs.

Of course, maybe it is just me and no one else has this issue, but for me the big chunks of text began to detract from getting into the story. It might be different if it were a white page with black text, as that seems to be softer on the eyes, but with Heresy being the reverse, it just compounds the issue that much more.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 06:22 AM Thread Starter
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Ok, chopped it up a bit, but thanks for telling me that. Its hard to tell when you write on Microsoft word and then transfer it to a post.


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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 03:21 PM
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I understand completely. I use Word as well, so I am very conscious of how my writing will transfer into a post (not just with my one story here, but another one I had posted to a different site for a different game.)

There are still some really big blocks of test, but most of the ones that concerned me have been handled.

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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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The problem is that some of these huge blocks of text fit with a scene but in future writing I'll shape them up better. I actually poseted most of this story on relic.com but I thought a place like this would suit it better.

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 06:24 PM
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Ok, so having taken a bit of time on this, the pacing of the writing feels clipped to me. There are points where two sentences are separated with a period that would flow better with a comma followed by a conjunction. Take, for instance, these two lines:

Quote:
The demon then dropped Gottfried. Horatio then leapt off of the demon continuing to bash it over and over again on the head, but still the monster would not die.
I feel it would be much smoother if written in a fashion similar to this:

Quote:
The demon dropped Gottfried and Horatio leapt from its back to continue bashing its head over and over again. Despite Horatio's efforts, the monster would not die.
Now some may disagree, but to me the first example is hard for me to read and get into a flow, while the second one at least has a smoother transition through the flow of the action (and I am sure can be even better than what I have provided.)

Another thing I noticed, and can be seen in the first example above, is there are a number of times where you say:

Quote:
'Someone then did something. Then Someone did something else.'
I don't think all of the 'then's are necessary. Occasionally is fine, but certainly not back-to-back, as it also detracts from the flow of the piece.

That is all I really have for now. I didn't notice anything glaring with the plot or characters, those seemed to be pretty good on the whole.

Thanks,
Howard

A baby seal walked into a club.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-10, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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You know what... Im going to make a big move here and revise the entire story. I think I did little description of all of the characters, briefly described ceratin scenes, lacked detail in alot of situations, and gave the characters mediocre dialog. I really feel like this needs major revision, and I feel I could do alot more to it. I feel that the plot has alot of potential but it is presented in a poor manner causeing it to look really rehashed. Alot more could be done here. The connections that I try to present are too poor for any sort of interest and the flow of the story is quiet choppy. Sure it will take alot of time but the best stories have always gone through alot of revisions before publishing if you know what I mean

Thanks for your input anyways. The next few weeks are going to be hectic so dont expect anything new for a while.


Last edited by ThatOtherGuy; 04-13-10 at 08:53 PM.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-15-10, 06:15 PM
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-15-10, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Man, this is story is so old . I kinda given up on this not because of the length or time thats available, but the fact it that I have a better plot line that I could use the characters in.

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