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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-06-10, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Default Uprising

Sarah lay perfectly still in the little outcrop above the chaos encampment. She lay staring down her scope, waiting for the target to enter her sight. Next to her Scott, her spotter worked the muscles in his hand. They had been waiting for several days, laying still just waiting for the perfect shot. They lay covered in snow, wearing arctic camouflage so that they would blend in with the snow. The target, an ex-Colonel in the Planetary Defence force that had turned to the Dark Gods instead of the holy light of the Emperor and rebelled bringing the planet into a chaotic civil war. The second he died, Scott would hail the extraction Valkyrie allowing a quick escape before the traitors knew what would happen. The compound was based in the large mountains several hundred miles from the Capital of Sklyian. Several small one floored barracks stood around several larger grey buildings. A huge wall stood around it, Earth supporting the concrete walls. A huge metal gate, stood with spikes surrounding the paths leading to it. On top of these spikes were the heads of the unlucky people who had strayed too close to the rebels, their eys had been burned out, and their hair removed. Some were PDF officials, some were just ordinary civilians.

“Movement, left grey building bottom floor.” Scott said quickly, it took only a second for Sarah to adjust so that she could see it. True enough it was the Colonel, standing at the window, talking over his shoulder. Sarah felt a surge of exhilaration. This is what they had been awaiting for a chance to end the rebellion quickly.

“Range?”

“Four Hundred metres. Wind is around 3mph coming in from the west.”

Sarah calibrated her scope before aiming back down the sight focusing the crosshairs dead on the Colonels head. He was an easy target she thought, a smile forming to her lips. She took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. When she was ready, she gently squeezed the trigger, feeling the recoil of the rifle before the shot shattered the window and impacted on the Colonel, leaving a fist sized hole in his head. She looked over to Scott who was speaking fast into his vox.

“This is Eagle two to Blackshadow, requesting extraction at point Bravo immediately.”

Sarah smiled at Scott. “We better get our break after this, I need a warm shower and some real food than this shit.”

“Blackshadow to Eagle two, roger that birds on its way eta 20 minutes. You won’t get the rest you deserve we need to deploy your skills elsewhere. This rebellion is far worse than we thought.”

Scott smiled at Sarah, “No rest for the wicked I guess then. Lets get moving shall we before our heads are mounted on the gates.”


All comments and feedback welcome and needed.


Last edited by Lord Ramo; 04-08-10 at 01:38 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-06-10, 10:19 PM
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Its a good start, intriguing with a generalised introduction to the charactors.
My primary problem with it is the repetition of the word lay

Need a bit of variety in the first paragraph. Honestly read it through and maybe grab a thesaurus and just try and vary the wording.

Also I'd like a little bit more description of the colonel and how he crashes to the ground. It seems a little underplayed, you could really stretch it out.

Other than that its a really nice idea and a good start

kudos to lillian thorne for the awesome sig
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-07-10, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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cheers for the advice deathbringer, I will bear in mind what you have said, and try to improve on the next part. thanks!

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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-07-10, 10:01 AM
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Nice work LR. DB is right, you could probably stand to expand on this a bit more. I know it can be hard, I`ve had a few cracks at it myself, but you`re on the right way forward. Good luck to you in future endeavours.


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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-07-10, 12:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Ramo View Post
Sarah lay perfectly still in the little outcrop above the chaos encampment. She lay staring down her scope, waiting for the target to enter her sight. Next to her, (You might want that to slow it down a bit) Scott, her spotter worked the muscles in his hand. They had been waiting for several days, laying still just waiting for the perfect shot.

They lay covered in snow, wearing arctic camouflage so that they would blend in with the snow (Thiis could be replaced for something less.... repetative, maybe 'white surroundings'). The target, an ex-Colonel in the Planetary Defence force that had turned to the Dark Gods instead of the holy light of the Emperor and rebelled bringing the planet into a chaotic civil war. The second he died, Scott would hail the extraction Valkyrie allowing a quick escape before the traitors knew what would (The tense is muddled here, not 'would' but 'had' - maybe?) happen. The compound was based in the large mountains several hundred miles from the Capital of Sklyian. Several small one floored barracks stood around several larger grey buildings. A huge wall stood around it, Earth supporting the concrete walls. A huge metal gate, stood with spikes surrounding the paths leading to it. On top of these (Spikes? In the last sentence they are spikes, not pikes. Just a minor thing.)pikes were the heads of the unlucky people who had strayed too close to the rebels, their eys had been burned out, and their hair removed. Some were PDF officials, some were just ordinary civilians. (I love the descriptions here, very..... gory and 40kish)

“Movement, left grey building bottom floor.” Scott said quickly, it took only a second for Sarah to adjust so that she could see it. True enough it was the Colonel, standing at the window, talking over his shoulder. Sarah felt a surge of exhilaration. This is what they had been awaiting for, (Not really needed but slows the sentance down nicely... in my opinion anyways.) a chance to end the rebellion quickly.

“Range?”

“Four Hundred metres. Wind is around 3mph coming in from the west.”

Sarah calibrated her scope before aiming back down the sight focusing the crosshairs dead on the Colonels head. He was an easy target she thought, a smile forming to her lips. She took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. When she was ready, she gently squeezed the trigger, feeling the recoil of the rifle before the shot shattered the window and impacted on the Colonel, leaving a fist sized hole in his head. She looked over to Scott who was speaking fast into his vox.

“This is Eagle two to Blackshadow, requesting extraction at point Bravo immediately.”

Sarah smiled at Scott. “We better get our break after this, I need a warm shower and some real food ('rather' - or something along those lines) than this shit.”

“Blackshadow to Eagle two, roger that birds on its way eta 20 minutes. You won’t get the rest you deserve, (Use the comma to slow the speech down.) we need to deploy your skills elsewhere. This rebellion is far worse than we thought.”

Scott smiled at Sarah, “No rest for the wicked I guess then. Lets get moving shall we before our heads are mounted on the gates.”


All comments and feedback welcome and needed.
Very nice, just a few tiny minor things that hopefully (if I can write in red.) should be shown. Keep it up!

Looking forward to more.

-TJ

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Last edited by TheJolt; 04-07-10 at 12:58 PM.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-07-10, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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cheers everyone for the feedback. In the next part, I hope to put all your tips to good use so thanks

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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-07-10, 11:49 PM
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Hey looking forward to seeing how the story pans out, with one of their most experienced commanders out of action things could liven up a great deal. I won't add anything because between them the others have covered everything you need to work on.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-08-10, 11:55 AM
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I am eagerly awaiting the next part.

-TJ

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-08-10, 12:00 PM
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great writing, agree with the others, but other than that its great. snipers are always fun to write about.

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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-10-10, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Part 2

Colonel Gudair stood by the window in the rebel compound deep within the northern hemisphere. Gudair was a bear of a man; standing at 6 foot 8 he dwarfed most of the men under his command. Even though he was in his late fifties, he looked to be in his late sixties. He had a huge mane of white hair flowing over his shoulders, as white as the countryside that surrounded him.

He was listening to his officers arguing over what to do with the prisoners they had captured. Some wanted to treat them like prisoners of wars and not like the caged animals they were. Outside the huge command room he was in the base was a buzz of activity. His troops that had cast off their allegiances to the false Emperor had followed their dark master’s wishes, gathering more subjects for the plague that was about to come. Patrols were run outside the compound, in reality they were raiding parties, taking more and more prisoners, not knowing to why their dark masters wanted them alive.

The God of pestilence, Nurgle, had promised Gudair all the power he could ever desire, if he served him. The surrounding countryside had been transformed into a defensive position, and the populace had been rounded up and put into cells deep underground. Colonel Gudair’s men had sacrificed some of these blind servants, taking their eyes to show how foolish they were to put their trust and loyalty to a rotting corpse. Gudair followed a real God, one that would reward him for his loyalty to him. He looked over at the three captains desperately pleading with their fellow officers to release the innocent. Fools he thought, they were trying to ruin the masters plan. When Gudair spoke the rest of the room fell quiet, the Colonel always spoke in a hoarse whisper.

“They are prizes to the God of Pestilence, and will be sacrificed when his unholy troops arrive. Now I suggest you worry about the Planetary Defence Force, they may have raised the alarm to the rest of the system by now.”

With that he motioned for the officers to leave, except Major Antinolus, his second in command, and friend.

“Keep an eye on those speaking against the fold, and if necessary remove them Antinolus. Nothing must get in the way of the masters plan.” With that the major bowed and left the room, and the Colonel could relax.

He was about to walk over to the decanter of Scotch on the table when the window he was leaning against shattered and he felt a tiny sting in the back of his head. That was all he felt or heard before he fell to the floor, a snipers round making its way through to his brain. Suddenly a voice spoke from the shadows, “You have been most useful to me Colonel and this will not go unrewarded, Grandfather Nurgle will reward you with a new life.” Gudair allowed a smile form on his face before he fell into unconsciousness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sarah stared at the incoming Valkyrie as it came into landing. Next to her Scott moved forward to the descending ramp, where five soldiers, all spouting brightly coloured uniforms of the PDF, descended and took defence positions around the Valkyrie. Sarah stood and rushed over with Scott to the Valkyrie, nodding at the leader of the five men as she passed them.

She boarded the Valkyrie just behind Scott, and took her seat close to the cockpit. A second later the five man rearguard boarded the Valkyrie and they were airborne, heading over the sloping landscape to Fort Jacob, 400 kilometres east of the capital Iylvan.

Wonder what is going to happen now,” She said quietly to Scott.

“Guess we’ll find out when we reach Fort Jacob.” Scott replied, his eyes on the guardsmen sitting opposite them, finger on the trigger of his lasgun. He leant over to Sarah and whispered in her ears, “These men are wearing the same uniform as the 14th. You know Colonel Gudair’s old regiment. Keep your eyes on them. I don’t trust them.”

Sarah nodded once,her own hand dropping down to the rifle by her leg. She felt nervous, she had heard about the regiment before they had turned against their fellow Imperial soldiers. They had all been immensly loyal to Gudair, and only a single platoon hadn't turned like the regiment. That still didn't mean that they were trusted though.

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