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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-24-10, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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Default A tester :)

I've written this just for practice really, let me know what you think and give comments as it will help me develop


Captain Angalos breathed a prayer to the emperor as his drop pod ripped through the planet Ectosa’s atmosphere. The drop pod shook violently as it hit re-entry but captain Guyus Angalos remained focused on the mission at hand. The mission was simple in the eyes of an astarties, secure the landing zone and help drive back against the tyrinid fleet. For fourteen days the city of Marverian had fought against the tyrinids, and slowly they were losing ground. The battleship- Emperor’s Spirit answered the distress call from the plant and now had sent thousands of astarties to aid the Imperial guard. “Remember brothers”, captain Angalos voxed to his squad. “Secure the landing for the rest of our battle brothers then we eradicate the xeno scum off the emperor’s planet!” The drop pod crashed into the ground on the planet’s surface. The doors blew open and captain Angalos was the first to charge out, “for the emperor!” he shouted. His squad followed suit, each shouting their praise and loyalty to their emperor. The once magnificent city of Marverian was now just a shattered wasteland. The tall builds lay in ruins and the area was deserted with no sign of any imperial guard. A swarm of tyrinid gaunts rushed from the ruins and charged into the space marine squad. Angalos and his squad released some bolter rounds into the on-coming swarm. Their bullets punched through the tyrinid carapace with ease. The xenos head’s shattered on impact others tore them in half ripping through bone and flesh like they were made of paper. The remaining tyrinids charged into the space marines. Razor sharp teeth and claws gnashed and swiped at the astarties but they couldn’t match the speed of the astarties. The space marines were able to out manoeuvre their opponents with ease. Angalos unsheathed his chainsword and hacked his way through the tyrinid swarm. With each swing of his chainsword scores of tyrinid died. Marcus Typhon slammed his powerfist into a gaunt’s head, causing it to shatter into pieces. Brain matter and skull fragments sprayed on his armour, as Marcus fought with increasing determination as the bloodlust began to take hold of him. One astaries feel as ten gaunts forced him to the ground and ripped him limb from limb. Angalos almost shed a tear at the sight of a fallen brother, “Baros!” he voxed, “burn those xenos!” Baros turned on the spot, his heavy flamer aimed at the gaunts as hot searing flame leaped from the barrels and melted the shrieking xenos. Their bodies exploded as the heat boiled their innards. The squad quickly finished off the rest of the xeno swarm. Angalos looked at the ruined city before him, we’re too late, he thought to himself. No imperial bodies were found near the landing zone, maybe they were taken away as food for the fleet. The idea made Angalos clench his fist with anger. “Squad” he voxed, “form a perimeter around the landing zone. Tarrick, send word to the Emperors spirit that the zone is clear for our brothers to join the fight”
“Yes captain”, replied Tarrick. Angalos stomped his heavy foot on a dead gaunts skull, crushing it beneath him, “By the throne we will wipe out this infestation, once and for all”.



There may be spelling and grammar issuses lol ;)
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-25-10, 07:32 AM
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first tip: Much easier to read if its broken up into smaller paragraphs.

second tip: ...lets accomplish tip #1 before i give any other tips...my eyes hurt...

CP

The Founding Fields

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-25-10, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Captain Angalos breathed a prayer to the emperor as his drop pod ripped through the planet Ectosa’s atmosphere. The drop pod shook violently as it hit re-entry but captain Guyus Angalos remained focused on the mission at hand.

The mission was simple in the eyes of an astarties, secure the landing zone and help drive back against the tyrinid fleet. For fourteen days the city of Marverian had fought against the tyrinids, and slowly they were losing ground.
The battleship- Emperor’s Spirit answered the distress call from the plant and now had sent thousands of astarties to aid the Imperial guard.
“Remember brothers”, captain Angalos voxed to his squad. “Secure the landing for the rest of our battle brothers then we eradicate the xeno scum off the emperor’s planet!”
The drop pod crashed into the ground on the planet’s surface. The doors blew open and captain Angalos was the first to charge out, “for the emperor!” he shouted.
His squad followed suit, each shouting their praise and loyalty to their emperor.

The once magnificent city of Marverian was now just a shattered wasteland. The tall builds lay in ruins and the area was deserted with no sign of any imperial guard.
A swarm of tyrinid gaunts rushed from the ruins and charged into the space marine squad. Angalos and his squad released some bolter rounds into the on-coming swarm. Their bullets punched through the tyrinid carapace with ease. The xenos head’s shattered on impact others tore them in half ripping through bone and flesh like they were made of paper.
The remaining tyrinids charged into the space marines. Razor sharp teeth and claws gnashed and swiped at the astarties but they couldn’t match the speed of the astarties. The space marines were able to out manoeuvre their opponents with ease. Angalos unsheathed his chainsword and hacked his way through the tyrinid swarm. With each swing of his chainsword scores of tyrinid died. Marcus Typhon slammed his powerfist into a gaunt’s head, causing it to shatter into pieces. Brain matter and skull fragments sprayed on his armour, as Marcus fought with increasing determination as the bloodlust began to take hold of him. One astaries feel as ten gaunts forced him to the ground and ripped him limb from limb. Angalos almost shed a tear at the sight of a fallen brother, “Baros!” he voxed, “burn those xenos!” Baros turned on the spot, his heavy flamer aimed at the gaunts as hot searing flame leaped from the barrels and melted the shrieking xenos. Their bodies exploded as the heat boiled their innards.
The squad quickly finished off the rest of the xeno swarm. Angalos looked at the ruined city before him, we’re too late, he thought to himself. No imperial bodies were found near the landing zone, maybe they were taken away as food for the fleet. The idea made Angalos clench his fist with anger. “Squad” he voxed, “form a perimeter around the landing zone. Tarrick, send word to the Emperors spirit that the zone is clear for our brothers to join the fight”
“Yes captain”, replied Tarrick. Angalos stomped his heavy foot on a dead gaunts skull, crushing it beneath him, “By the throne we will wipe out this infestation, once and for all”.

Last edited by Gromtooth; 03-25-10 at 09:12 AM.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-25-10, 08:54 AM
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looks a little bit better, but you could chop it up some more still.

Gromtooth, really like your Avatar...it's excellent.

To my drug-addled mind, the voice sounded like that of the Emperor himself, and I found myself wondering if I should have spent a bit more time in the temple, and a bit less in bars, gambling dens and bordellos, but it seemed a little late to be worrying about that now. If I had indeed arrived at the Golden Throne, I'd just have to hope its occupant was in a good mood, and try to steer the conversation on to safer ground at the earliest oppertunity.
===Commissar Ciaphas Cain===
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-25-10, 09:11 AM Thread Starter
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How's this? ASH RULES! lol

Captain Angalos breathed a prayer to the emperor as his drop pod ripped through the planet Ectosa’s atmosphere. The drop pod shook violently as it hit re-entry but captain Guyus Angalos remained focused on the mission at hand.

The mission was simple in the eyes of an astarties, secure the landing zone and help drive back against the tyrinid fleet. For fourteen days the city of Marverian had fought against the tyrinids, and slowly they were losing ground.

The battleship- Emperor’s Spirit answered the distress call from the plant and now had sent thousands of astarties to aid the Imperial guard.

“Remember brothers”, captain Angalos voxed to his squad. “Secure the landing for the rest of our battle brothers then we eradicate the xeno scum off the emperor’s planet!”

The drop pod crashed into the ground on the planet’s surface. The doors blew open and captain Angalos was the first to charge out, “for the emperor!” he shouted.
His squad followed suit, each shouting their praise and loyalty to their emperor.

The once magnificent city of Marverian was now just a shattered wasteland. The tall builds lay in ruins and the area was deserted with no sign of any imperial guard.

A swarm of tyrinid gaunts rushed from the ruins and charged into the space marine squad. Angalos and his squad released some bolter rounds into the on-coming swarm. Their bullets punched through the tyrinid carapace with ease. The xenos head’s shattered on impact others tore them in half ripping through bone and flesh like they were made of paper.

The remaining tyrinids charged into the space marines. Razor sharp teeth and claws gnashed and swiped at them but they couldn’t match the speed of the astarties. The space marines were able to out manoeuvre their opponents with ease. Angalos unsheathed his chainsword and hacked his way through the tyrinid swarm. With each swing of his chainsword scores of tyrinid died. Marcus Typhon slammed his powerfist into a gaunt’s head, causing it to shatter into pieces. Brain matter and skull fragments sprayed on his armour, as Marcus fought with increasing determination as the bloodlust began to take hold of him. One astaries feel as ten gaunts forced him to the ground and ripped him limb from limb. Angalos almost shed a tear at the sight of a fallen brother, “Baros!” he voxed, “burn those xenos!” Baros turned on the spot, his heavy flamer aimed at the gaunts as hot searing flame leaped from the barrels and melted the shrieking xenos. Their bodies exploded as the heat boiled their innards.

The squad quickly finished off the rest of the xeno swarm. Angalos looked at the ruined city before him, we’re too late, he thought to himself. No imperial bodies were found near the landing zone, maybe they were taken away as food for the fleet. The idea made Angalos clench his fist with anger. “Squad” he voxed, “form a perimeter around the landing zone. Tarrick, send word to the Emperors spirit that the zone is clear for our brothers to join the fight”
“Yes captain”, replied Tarrick. Angalos stomped his heavy foot on a dead gaunts skull, crushing it beneath him, “By the throne we will wipe out this infestation, once and for all”.

Last edited by Gromtooth; 03-25-10 at 09:59 AM.
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