Hey, I love the idea, really I do. You can take it so many places and I want to see a whole story. So I am going to comment on the things I picked up on reading it, there are a few but I don’t want you to take it too personally and be put off, okay…
We’ll talk spelling punctuation and grammar first. It’s easy stuff really. Proofread your work, use dictionaries and spell-check and thesaurus’s… all that good stuff, that’s why its there.
You tend to repeat words and phrases quite a bit and it just makes the sentences harder to read. The idea of being hit, is the worst example in your story, we understand that he is on a battlefield in the middle of a fire-fight, try not to tell use with every other line. Other big examples are words like, him, guardsmen and hit.
For the most part I just recommend reading your work back to yourself and reading it aloud. Consider if you can find other ways to say things or introduce ideas or find better/more appropriate words for your descriptions. That sort of thing really, it will make the story read more smoothly.
The big point is speech punctuation, now. Here’re the basics, normally when a character finishes speaking you use a comma and then lowercase after the speech marks. For example:
“Blah blah blah,” he said.
The same applies when question mark is used:
“Blah?” she asked.
There are only two exceptions, where speech is at the end of a paragraph. Then it’s a full stop in the speech marks. For example:
They were walking down the corridor until suddenly Name stopped saying, “Blah blah.”
And when the utterance ends with an exclamation mark, for example:
“…. oh shit!” He shouted.
Next: numbers or words? Generally words rather than numbers. There are exceptions so here it is.
Quantity = words, e.g. There are five of them.
When the number is part of a name = numbers, e.g. the 7th Armoured Brigade.
Time can be either, but the general for is, using a twelve hour clock = words, e.g. Six O’clock in the afternoon.
But the twenty four hour clock = numbers, e.g. 1800 hours.
In any other context it can be hit and miss but generally words are better.
Okay so there’s SPAG.
Two sections to cover the real content of your story, the idea and the scenario: ‘specialist knowledge & context’ and ‘general points of interest’.
General Points of Interest:
Description, use it, you have a lot of action but I don’t know this guy’s full name, what regiment he is with, whether the other Guardsmen are from the same regiment or a number of regiments, what planet they’re on, what that planet is like, the terrain the weather, what time of day is it, how do your characters feel about what they are seeing and hearing… all this kind of stuff really beefs your story out and paints a picture in the readers’ minds it is worth spending time to write it down.
The story is about the life of a medic, but there is more to the life of any remotely human individual than their job description, so tell me about all of his life and the people in his life.
Specialist Knowledge and Context:
He looked at the first one and saw that a bullet had ripped through his abdomen and hit his heart which would have killed him within moments of hitting the ground.
This wound could only have been caused by a bullet if that bullet was fired from bellow the man at a very sharp angle. Not likely unless the shooter was laid on the floor directly under the victim when the shot was fired or the victim was laid on his back and the shooter was prone or crouched some distance away, still not likely though. A mine, a grenade, or some similar explosion might cause such an injury but again he would have to have been standing almost directly above the explosion.
The man treated for a laser wound to the chest. The blow would have to have been glancing for the man to survive which would require him to be positioned nearly side on to the attacker, the ribs maybe, the shoulder but certainly nowhere near the centre.
The reason being that lasers fire highly focused energy of light and heat, chances are the wound would cauterise instantly so there would be no bleeding and if it when through the centre of the chest then it would almost certainly go through organs as well as the skin.
Din opened his med kit and pulled out a syringe and injected him with the pain numbing drug that it contained.
Surely being a medic he knows the name of this drug, and since you are giving us his perspective, you should too really.
You have guys dragged around a lot, I aren’t saying that sometimes it would be necessary to move people like this. But you have to be very careful about whom you go dragging around, especially with people who are injured, you may make their condition worse and it is actually harder to drag than carry because of your posture.
Now the last section, part of this is specialist knowledge the other part is realism and my own opinion.
The first man has been shot in the gut with a solid slug, he is almost definitely bleeding internally; pretty much from the moment he was shot he had about half an hour. He needs immediate and intensive care that a simple field medic wouldn’t have the equipment to deal with. He is however the most likely of the two to survive.
The second man has shrapnel embedded in his chest, from your description probably at least one of his lungs has been punctured, basically he is a goner. As a field medic your man’s job is triage not surgery. He decides who can be saved and who can’t, this man can’t. He wouldn’t waste resources on him. This makes an excellent opportunity for you to put in some really emotional writing.
Now the part that is my own opinion: They are Imperial Guardsmen, they are fighting Heretics who have turned their faces from the Emperor. The enemy are advancing on your position, you can only save one of the two men you are treating. As a human being, would you leave a living friend at their mercy? Wouldn’t even euthanasia be preferable? Issues like that would be a great addition to your piece. Think about the nature of the 40k universe and the situation your characters are in.
Like I said I really did love the piece, I think you can make a lot of it. Hope you don’t think I’ve been too harsh. Rep mate.