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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-10-10, 12:41 AM Thread Starter
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Default Blood Raven

So, I had the urge to write a story for some reason. It was fairly random and Happened when I was playing Dawn of War II : The Last Stand mode. I was fighting an Ork was when my Head had burst with Ideas and the urge to forge them into a story. fourty-five minutes later, I have the first part of a short story. This was writen using Wordpad, so Spelling and grammer errors are present. C&C is Welcomed

EDIT: Renamed Title

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Dusk was settling over the bloodied hills of Tartarus's southern region. Hundreds of Ork corpses littlered the dirt landscape. Scattered amoung them the remants of Battle Brothers lay, a mass of green bodies circumfrincing them. Every Marine that had fallen, had taken a score of Orks with them. Nearby, an Imperial bunker stood, splashes of brown and red covered the first story of it's gray walls. Bullet holes, sword slashes, and blast marks covered its side. A large brown door with a Golden Aquilla was barred shut. Inside, six marines garbed in crimson red power armor stood, holding their weapons high.

One had his helmet removed, revealing his face. It wore a battle-worn expression. He looked, by human standards, to be in his late twenties or early thirties, but his true age was much older than that. He had dirty blonde hair, and cresent blue eyes with a hint of green. The others where wearing full armor, most of them in Mark VII Aqila armor, though one had a Beaked shaped helmet from an older set. Between those six, a large, dull green box lay. It's top was open and contense visible. The box itself was relatively empty, aside from a handful of Magazines that fit into the slots of the Marines weapons, the almighty, Godwyn pattern bolt gun. There was also a large, Machine gun ammo box, used for the nearby Astartes MK IV Heavy Bolter that lay proped up inside a broken window.

The Marine with his helmet removed reached into the box and began to distribute it's contence amoung his brethren, who in turn removed their empty clips and loaded the fresh ones into their bolters, and storing the rest in their belt pouches. Finaly the helmetless marine spoke.

"Brothers, it has been an honor to serve with you. May we be reunited at the Emperor's table," He said, just as the distant cries of the Ork Warhost could be heard in the distance.

++Fourty-Eight Terran Hours Earlier++

Azeek sat in the Thunderhawk gunship, his head hung low, muttering a prayer to the Emperor. Sergeant Akilestus stood, gripping his chainsword, boltgun in holster. With his free arm, he held the gunship's upper railing. The Thunderhawk shook as a gust of wind caused it to go turbulant for a moment, then all was normal again. Ten battle brothers sat in the Gunship. Many carried bolters, though one brother held a Heavy Bolter at his side.

Sergeant Akilestus eye'd his men before speaking, "Brothers, Our mission is to take Bunker 406 from a small band of Orks, this bunker is Vital to the Blood Ravens continual bush through this Reigon of Tartarus. Captain Gabrial Angelos has sent us to fufil this task." All nine marines watched him intently, soaking in his orders like spounges. the Sergeant took a breath before continueing, "When we land, we will Rondevous with Squad Hectus and Squad Ferous, Both of which are already staging the initial attack. The Orks are putting up strong resistance, but their flanks are weak. We are to come in from their left side and Crush their lines, allowing the other squads to advance, from there, we will push to Bunker 406."

The other marines nodded, for no words of conformation where needed. They where Space Marines, the Emperor's finest. Simple commands needed no reinforcement, for they all knew they must Succed at their task, or die in the process.

The entire squad remained silent. They had not grown close, as the Marines where relatively new brothers, only recently achieving full honours nad elevating from their position as Initiates to full fledged battle brothers, only Sergeant Akilestus was a veteren of many years. This was their first mission, a simple enough one it seemed, the perfect mission to test their combat prowess and bond them as a unit.

One of the pilots looked back, speaking to the Sergeant, "Prep your squad, we are coming in hot and a quick drop will be necessary, eta, thirty seconds."

Akilestus nodded before turning to his squad, "Lets move out."

Below, a line of marines took cover behind rocks and trees at the bottom of a hill. The Orks where entrenched at the top of the hill, firing a mass of bullets down at the Marines, who, in turn, fired back up at the Orks, few casualties where taken, both sides where locked in a stalemate. The Thunderhawk carrying the Squad swooped in from the skies and opened fire, spraying the ground with bolter rounds. a handful or Orks towards the edge of the trenches where torn to pieces by the Thunderhawk's fire. As the Thunderhawk aproached the ground, it lowers speed drasticaly. When it got to the edge of the trenches, the Marines inside jumped out from it's side doors.

As soon as the Marines landed, they sprinted into the trenches, opening fire apon the unsuspecting Orks. The squads at the bottom of the hill broke cover and Charged up. In a mater of minutes, all the Orks in the trenches where eather dead or fleeing. the Marines stood victorious. Sergeant Akilestus met with the two other Sergeants, while the rest of the Marines began to shift the fortifications the other way, prepairing for the inevitable ork retaliation from their base at Bunker 406.

The meeting between the Sergeants was quick. The most Senior Sergeant, who was from Squad Hectus spoke, "We have the Orks on their tails, lets push right through them and onward to the Bunker."

The other Sergeants nodded, returning to their respective squads and issued a few orders.

"Don't bother with the trenches brothers, we are making a sweeping advance right through to the Bunker." said Akilestus to his squad.

Immedtiatly the squad exited the trenches, the other two squads only seconds behind. from their, the group began it's advance to the Bunker, which was only rougly two miles from their current position. In less than ten minutes, they had arrived. the structure of the Bunker was fortified, Ork guns poking out from it's windows. around it, a small Ork outpost had sprung up, including two watchtowers, a handful of huts, and an assortment of other scrapheaps. Grots scurried along the ground, and a handfl of Boyz ran, getting into position. A line of Boyz, lead by an Ork Nob, rushed up to the entrance to defy the Marines entrance.

The Squads broke their trot into a full run. their Bolters opened fire apon the watchtowers as a few, more eager brothers rushed ahead. The sergeant's revved their chainsword, and in the case of the Sergeant from Squad Hectus, turned his powerfist on, its Electromagnetiic field sparked to life as the Chainswords of the other Sergeants revved up. behind them, a handful of marines rushed, letting out a few bolter rounds before drawing their Combat Knives. Behind them, the rest of the Marines slowed, and the Heavy bolter and Missile launchers stopped, setting up and unloading their ordinance apon the wachtowers. Within the first minute of fighting, both watchtowers had gone up in flames, and many of the Boyz who had charged out to meet the Marines lay dead. The Sergeant with the powerfist was locked in combat with the Nob that lead them.

The Nob swung his axe and let out a round from his Shoota. The Axe bounced off the Sergeant's Cremate armor and the Shoota round missed completely. The sergeant swung his powerfist at the Nob, landing a hit apon his chest armor. the Field from the Powerfist crushed the chestplate and caved in the Ork's chest cavity. The Ork doubled over and the Sergeant stepped on his chest, raising his bolt pistol, placing a single round into his skull.

The fighting contined, at first, it seemed the Orks wher efew in number, and indeed, the Marines had made a sweeping advance through the camp. The Ork's buildings lay in ruins and the Bunker nearly cleaned of the Xeno filth. The marines walked around, finishing off any dieing orks that groaned in pain. The Sergeants where outside, passing orders to their squads. Six of the marines had entered the now cleared bunker, and where going through, looking for ammo, making sure the command post worked, and other things that needed to be checked.


Last edited by Brother Azeek; 03-10-10 at 11:33 PM.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-10-10, 08:10 AM
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good job.

other than the spelling errors and grammatical messups, you've got a good thing going here. keep it up.

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The Founding Fields

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-10-10, 11:28 PM Thread Starter
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the second and Final part of my short story, hope you enjoy. I also renamed the Title to better fit the story. C&C welcomed!

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The Sergeants had gathered in the center of the ruined ork camp. A Battle brother kneeled beside them, operating a long range transmitter. On the transmitters screen, the face of Gabrial Angelos apeared, and was speaking with the Sergeants.

"So the bunker is Secured?" asked Gabrial

"Yes sir, the Orks who held it met a swift end, it was almost to easy." said Sergeant Akilestus

"Good. Your next mission is to destroy a nearby Ork outpost, intellegence tells us that a Mekboy under the Command of Warboss Orkamungus leads the warband that inhabits the outpost. Killing the Mekboy and raising the outpost will be a great aid to our campaign here on Tartarus, as it will weaken Ork supplies, and will also send a message or Orkamungus that the Blood Ravens will send swift retribution to them."

"Yes Commander, will we be sent reinforcements?"

"A Platoon from the Tartarus Planetary Defence Force, along with two additional squads will be arriving at the Ork outpost in Twenty-four hours time. By then you should already be on site, and then you are to begin the attack. May the Emperor Bless you Sergeant. Angelos Out."

Sergeant Akilestus let out a sigh of releaf. He turned to the other Sergeants before speaking, "Alright then, Lets prep for march, the Ork outpost should be through the for-"

The Sergeants words where interrupted by loud warcries. The birds fled from the trees in the nearby forest as Orks began to swarm out from under their leafy canopies. Hundreds surged forward like a tide of destruction, charging up the hill. Thier guns blazed to life as bullets where sent flieing through the air. They raised their axes, swords, and whatever objects they could use as weapons. Soon after, Trukks and Looted Tanks steamed out of the trees, their exausts spewing forth jet black smoke that was lifted into the sky, darkening the sun's light. On top of the largest trukk, a rather large ork stood. He wore thick armor, and had an electric generating rod jut forth from his back, it crackled with energy as lightning strikes jut forth from it. In his hand, he held a large, crude cannon that looked as if it fired missiles.

Sergeant Akilestes watched for a moment before blinking his eyes, before charging forth, Intending to meet the Orks head on. Behind him, the other sergeants charged, followed by a dozen marines who began to open fire with their Bolters. Others ducked into cover and begain to lay down suppresive fire apon the orks, hoping to slow their advance. Missiles from the two missile launchers also launched forth, being aimed at the Trukks. One bounched off the crude armor of one, while the other impacted apon its engine compartement, causing an explosion that sent the Trukk skyward. It fell on a dozen Orks, killing them instantly.

Little the Marines did slowed the ork onslaught. the orks charged forth, smashing into the thin line of brave marines that rushed on to meet them. Sergeant Akilestus revved his chainssword before bringing it down apon an orks shoulder. It's sawing tore the bone and sinew in uneven cuts and a gorey mess. Nearby, a Marine had stabbed an ork in the chest, only to be hacked in half by a larger ork next to him. The Sergeant from Hectus squad swung his powerfist, crushing the skull of an ork nob, and fired his boltpistol into the arm of another.

The ork mekboy raised his cannon up, and fired off a round. It soared through the air towards the thin line of marines, but was blown off course and turned sideways, smashing into the wall of the bunker. It impacted on the surface and exploded, breaking off part of the bunker's thick wall. Slabs of concrete whre sent flying outward and smashed through the flimsy walls of the ork's outpost, and down apon the unsuspecting marines and orks. Two marines and dozens of orks where crushed under it's bulk. As soon as it landed, Orks began to climb over the side and onto it, firing from the vantage point before bounding off and behind the front line of marines.

~

Azeek was rummaging through the supply crates of the bunker when a missile slammed into the bunkers outer wall. the energy from the resulting explosion sent him, the crates, and dust from the wall to fly back. Azeek hit the opposite wall with a loud thud, the spply crates landing around him. he rubbed his head before getting up, grabbing his bolter. he rushed to the now broken window to see what had caused the explosion. He saw the orks pour from the forest and clash with the thin line of marines. He immediatly reached up and pressed the Vox comunitcator on his earlobe and communicated with his squadmates inside the building. "Brothers, the Orks have attacked us, provide covering fire for our brothers outside." He looked back out the window before raising his bolter, firing off rounds at the oncoming tide of Orks.

A voice came over his Vox. The voice had a natural lowness to it, as if the person speaking was someone who was tring to remain hidden.
"This is Doc, Tech and I are in the command post, we will provide support form their."

Azeek could hear bolter rounds being fired before the vox beeped, a voice that was deep and burly was heard over the sound of a heavy bolter opening fire, "Heavy reporting, Spartan and I are at the main entrance, we are providing support."

Azeek continued to fire rounds from his bolter. a marine rushed threw the doorway. As Azeek pulled from the window to relaod, the other Marine stuck his bolter through and opened fire, speaking at the same time, "Preacher reporting, Sharp is in the room next to us, tring to take down Nobs and that Mekboy."

Azeek pulled the loader on his bolter and raised it. Preacher had removed his bolter from the window and puleld back out of sight to reload, leaving Azeek room to open fire. "Get down with Spartan and Heavy and secure the entrance to the bunker, we don't want the Orks getting in if they break through the front line."

Preacher nodded and pulled the loader on his bolter. He rushed out of the doorway and down the stairs. Azeek glanced over at Sharp who was looking through the scope on his bolter. his shots where deliberate and precise, dropping an ork with every shot. Azeek looked back down the sights of his own bolter and continued to fire, unleashing a torrent of slugs down apon the orks.

~

The fighting was bitter, both sides suffered many casualties. The orks continued to batter at the Marines front lines, but many others spilled over into the outpost, engaging the marines that had stayed at range in close combat. The fighting was brutal. Gunfire filled the air and the sounds of steel on steel prodominated everyone's hearing. The Orks died as soon as they engaged, but for every one that died, two had replaced him. Slowly, the Marines fell, one by one, scores of ork bodies lay around each. As they fell, the orks moved on, swamping other marines. Bolter fire slammed down apon the orks form the bunker, a Heavy bolter tore through dozens of orks at a time, and torrents of bolter fire from the doorway kept the orks at bay. Nobs fell in groups of orks as a sniper picked them off one by one.

The Mekboy stood in the middle of the shouting orders at the other orks. A bolter round pierced the exposed part of his skull and ripped a whole the size of his fist in the side of his head. The Mekboy fell over. Many of the other orks watched as their commander fell, they turned and fled. Even so, many of the other orks continued to fight on, droppign the marines one by one. Slowly both side's forces diminished, until only a few dozen orks remained, and seven space marines held the bunker. The Orks assaulted the bunker, only to fall to the combined bolter fire. Wthin seconds, all the orks lay dead.

Inside the bunker, the marines regrouped. Azeek dragged a crate down the stairs and to the center of the entrance room. Soon the others gathered. Tech and Doc had come down from the command post and began to check the others for wounds and damages. Sharp had coem from his perch on the second story and was standing, eyeing the doorway. Preacher and Spartan where dragging heavy crates and boxes over to the doorway, getting ready to barricade it. Heavy had set his Heavy Bolter up on a desk that stood perpendicular to the doorway, giving him full view outside. Azeek looked around, thinking of a plan of action, for such was the doctrin of the Blood Ravens. He looked over at Preacher and reached into the spply crate, pulling out an ammo clip. "Preacher, Take this Clip and head for the Rondevous point, tell them what happened here, and for them to crush the Orks in this area. Let not our Battle brothers die in vein." Azeek tossed the ammo clip to Preacher.

Preacehr nodded, catching the ammo clip. He tucked it inside his ammo pouch before responding "What is your plan?"

"You will hed for the Rondevous point and inform the rest of the company. have them learn from our errors in calculation and let them not be ambushed by the Orks," He let out a sigh before continuing, "The rest of you, we will hold this bunker as where our orders, but we will also provide a distraction for any orks that prepair a counter assault to give Preacher time to inform the others."

The rest of the remaining marines nodded. Preacher turned and trotted out of the bunker. Spartan and heavy closed the doors behind him and began to barricade it shut. The others gathered around the ammo crate and where soon joined by Heavy and Spartan.

Dusk had begun to fall over Tartarus. outside, the bodies of hundreds of Orks and their fallen battle brothers lay scattered across the bloodied hill. Around every marine, a dozen orks lay face down in the dirt, a testament to the Blood Raven's fierce defence. Azeek stood, around him, Doc, Tech, Heavy, Spartan, and Sharp stood. All of them held their weapons high. Their crimson armor stood appart from the gray of the bunker. Azeek reached into the box and began to distribute the remaining ammo to his brothers. Each supplied the fresh clips to their bolters and slipped the spares in their empty ammo pouches. When the crate lay empty, Azeek stood, and spoke.

"Brothers, it has been an honor to serve with you. May we be reunited at the Emperor's table," He said, just as the cries of the Ork Warhost could be heard in the distance.

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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-11-10, 02:25 PM
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To be honest i wasn't too happy with the first part of your story, but the second part of the story really came on and your writing has improved.

The battle in the ork outpost was well paced, not rushed at all.

My only criticism of the story is you need to use different words for the same meaning

Quote:
On top of the largest trukk, a rather large ork stood
Apart from that well done
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