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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-01-10, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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This is the first piece of fictional writing I've done in a while, so please be nice . Obviously, all constructive criticism is greatly appreciated and wanted, so that I can re-draft previous updates, and also continue with the story. Thanks for reading.

--

A bullet ricocheted off the piping as she sprinted past. The barking of the dogs was getting louder with each step, their demeanor getting more out of control with every stride.

She couldn't give up. She knew it wasn't an option.

This hive world was an endearing place. Regardless of time, it was always dark; the towers blocked out any light daring enough to try and breakthrough. On the lower levels of the Obsidian Hive the scum of the world lurked, spreading their filth and disrupting the higher echelons. These floors in the underground were contaminated with various pollutants which were filtered down from the bastards up top. Vents, pipes and tunnels lay everywhere, oozing corrosive slime and poisonous gases. Of course, the scum living in this hell had learnt to adapt. There were safezones where all manner of critter lurked. This was where the thief was making her escape.

Jezzabelle was getting desperate now, yet she was so close. Just this corner to go. Belle ducked under a broken pipe, dangling from a tattered roof which precariously lay overhead of her.

Instantly after traversing the sharp bend, Belle skidded to a halt. Blocking the end of her route was a rabble of horrifying Scalies. They were grinning, and toying with their brutish weapons. One of them, at least a head and a half taller than her, stepped forward brandishing a shaft of rusty metal. Behind him his footsteps had been etched into the dust with the same thick liquid that was dropping from his scraggly hair. Belle could see the rotting, yellow teeth through the smirk clothing his face, full of malice.

She turned to make her escape but one of the hounds had arrived. Thick, green slime dribbled from the creature's mouth as it whipped it's short tail from side to side and howled. The noise was incredibly high-pitched and piercing. Belle flinched and quickly covered her ears, yet still the noise was unbearable. Almost instantly three more dogs appeared, shortly followed by their handlers. They were perfectly suited to this putrid environment. Naturally, there were those rejects who'd been banished from the safezones. Most had died from the harsh conditions, but somehow there were always a few who clawed away and scraped a living: barely.

On both sides, her pursuers slowly stepped forwards. They were confident and taking their time. That was a mistake.

If I can't keep this treasure, then neither can they.

A metal pin landed at the Scaly leaders feet who gawped like a schoolboy before turning to run. His attempts were futile. There was a loud flash, blinding them all and causing lots of commotion. Several milliseconds later the abhuman started to regain sight. After blinking a few times it's jaw dropped and it made a noise which seemed to be a mix of both disappointment and shock.

Belle had gone. There were no vents or other roads; no means of escape. Wait! What was that? There was a small, fist-sized oval on the floor emitting a flashing red light. Just before the explosion, one of the gang members looked to the sky and gazed at a silhouette of two figures rising in the air, to what appeared to be a huge, pitch black silhouette lurking above.

--

I hope you like it. I've already started planning the next two chapters. Please comment.

I'm back and creating signatures once again. If you need an avatar, signature, artwork or anything just drop me a PM or go here: My Graphics Workshop

Last edited by Broken; 03-03-10 at 11:27 AM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-02-10, 08:54 AM
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Excellent work, despite how short it is. It peeked my interest, which is good. More!
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-02-10, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Excellent work, despite how short it is. It peeked my interest, which is good. More!
Thanks a lot. I appreciate the compliments, and now more is coming!

--

Karah dropped the small knife. As it fell droplets of some liquid parted from the blade. It landed loudly by a pair of feet, but they didn't move. The putrid stench was contained by a pair of old boots caked in mud, attached to an equally dirty pair of legs. The grubby pants were stained in several places, each stain increasing in size the further up the body it was. The colour was an off red, like magenta. Blood.

It was everywhere. Blood trailed along the path, attracting rats and more repulsive vermin to the feast. They came out of the crevices and gaps in the derelict, metal wall. Even from the creaking pipes, adorned in rust and oozing black slime, the sickly rodents came. Karah could also see a pair of sharp, vivid yellow eyes regarding her with an eery stare. The intruder's gaze flickered to the corpses and then returned to meet her eyes once again. She felt the creature's breath, before it turned and galloped off through the thick slush covering the floor of the tunnel.

Exhausted and exasperated she staggered backwards, almost tumbling to the ground. What had she done? Three muscular bodies lay on the dust-ridden floor. Guts and clothing strewn everywhere. The face of the closest was a horrid sight to behold: there were no recognisable features. There was just a crater of bone and gore, with blood bubbling up and clotting.

She glanced at the knife she'd dropped. What have I done?

No. Surely I don't have the power to do this? Then again, there is the... No. I can't have. I-it just isn't possible. I've got to get away from this place.

As Karah began to run there was a light clatter to her side. She swiftly turned her head to take a closer look. Suddenly, there was a deafening bang; then nothing. Whiteness. But not just that, there was a peculiar odour too. It was soothing, relaxing.

She felt something tug her jacket, but couldn't react. Karah simply had no energy, and her sense were dimming. Trying to lash out with her scrawny arms had no effect, and something seemed to be repelling her mind. She began to whimper in distress. The last thing Karah saw as she regained sight was the ground, it was getting smaller.

***

The whine of the alarm sounded as plascrete doors sealed shut. Brig halted at the blocked exit. He was trapped, and he knew it. There was nothing he could do now; they would get the artifact back, but at a price. And Brig was determined to make sure the cost was high.

Wheeling on the spot the ex-Imperial Guard officer gathered his weapon and position himself behind a pile of steel crates. He could hear their footsteps getting closer, and closer. Their screams echoing down the corridor, into the hangar where he was hidden. Brig double-checked his Heavy Stubber and prepared himself for the coming onslaught.

As the snarling women entered the vast room they slowed. Scanning in all directions for their target. They examined the small, ruined frigates on the far side of the hangar. A few flames still flickered amongst the ruins, but there was no threat.

Brig heard a loud rattle from the corner directly opposite him. He heard a faint knocking sound, and a couple of neon green lights briefly flickered on and off. The power generator rumbled into life, providing light to the swinging lamps dangling perilously. As he watched, a slim, deceptively toned woman stalked through the mesh wire gate and squinted in his direction.

She's pretty attractive. Shame we're meeting on such bad terms.

The gang leader, dressed in a tattered red vest and skanky shorts pointed in his direction. She surged forward and revved her temperamental Chainsword. Her accompanying girls followed suit.

This is it: time to shine. These Escher bitches will get what they deserve.

Brig quickly made an estimate of how many foes he faced. Six, seven. It would be a close conflict, but he only had one remaining clip and brute strength couldn't stand against metal razors. Hopefully he could down them all before they got too close. Pulling hard on the trigger the female gangers instantly dived for cover. Some lay prone behind ruptured barrels and crates, scrambling for any protection they could. The others had a bit more sense, and slipped into the shadows of a huge, apparently misshapen pile of rubble. Presumably just remnants of construction materials, and malfunctioned vehicles. The entire hangar was full of them; clearly this area had been abandoned long ago.

Three bloody corpses lay on the floor, one of them was still convulsing. He would've put the bitch out of her misery, but he couldn't afford to waste any shots. Brig's pursuers were still squirming in their hiding places, having not expected him to have such a devastating firearm. He took this chance to check his rounds.

Feth. Six bullets remaining.

Out of idiocy, and desperation, Brig pulled on the trigger once more, but nothing happened. He tried again and heard a blunt click: the bloody thing had malfunctioned!

Seizing their opportunity the girls emerged and spurred onwards, determind to slay Brig and reclaim their relic. Barely a few metres separated them now, then suddenly there was a blinding flash and several grunts as the Escher girls lost their footing in the confusion.

Brig raised his arm to cover his eyes, but he was still blinded. What just happened? He certainly hadn't done anything. Perhaps it was trap. Dropping the hefty firearm, Brig stood and flexed his bulging muscles. He was about to make his move under the bright conditions when he was hit on the head, with force.

The last thing Brig saw was a black figure with some kind of rope, like elastic. Falling from consciousness he tried to utter a moan, but failed as he lost his footing and he was elevated into the air.

--

Thanks for reading. Updates should become longer now as the story starts to unfold.

I'm back and creating signatures once again. If you need an avatar, signature, artwork or anything just drop me a PM or go here: My Graphics Workshop

Last edited by Broken; 03-03-10 at 10:42 AM.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-02-10, 12:02 PM
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Your descriptions of the situations are articulate, your grammar is exacting.. but I'm left disjointed. Scroll back through your journey and look outside your own thoughts. Anyone coming into this thread not knowing your thoughts and feelings is/are going to be hard pressed to keep up with where your going.

I personally cant wait to see more but a little environment goes a long ways.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-02-10, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Templar Bones View Post
Your descriptions of the situations are articulate, your grammar is exacting.. but I'm left disjointed. Scroll back through your journey and look outside your own thoughts. Anyone coming into this thread not knowing your thoughts and feelings is/are going to be hard pressed to keep up with where your going.

I personally cant wait to see more but a little environment goes a long ways.
Thanks for the advice. It's something I've always struggled with it, but now I'm making progress.

I've added updates about the general scenes, and more information about the different environments will be added shortly, in lime green.

I'm back and creating signatures once again. If you need an avatar, signature, artwork or anything just drop me a PM or go here: My Graphics Workshop

Last edited by Broken; 03-02-10 at 09:17 PM.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-03-10, 08:35 AM
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I've added updates about the general scenes, and more information about the different environments will be added shortly, in lime green.
well that explains that then.. was wondering what they were. Good work. Heres some rep for you. Waiting for more!

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As for adding weathering, didn't you know that marines never get dirty, they are too cool.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-03-10, 08:59 AM
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Agreed with Templar Bones, but a problem easily solved. Keep it coming.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-03-10, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Agreed with Templar Bones, but a problem easily solved. Keep it coming.
Don't you think that's been covered in the more recent updates?


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Good work. Heres some rep for you. Waiting for more!
Thanks for the kind words. Didn't receive any Rep though...

I'm back and creating signatures once again. If you need an avatar, signature, artwork or anything just drop me a PM or go here: My Graphics Workshop
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-03-10, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Anyway, this is where the story starts to develop. Enjoy.

--

In a small, compact room there were three figures. All of them lay on levitating stretchers, motionless. There was only one apparent exit from the room, a sliding door with a bright red light positioned directly over its frame. Obviously it wasn't meant to be opened. At least, not from this side. All the walls were made of a unique material; it almost seemed to glow, yet it was plain with no dents or anything protruding. It was completely bare, clearly not designed for important guests.

-

Belle stirred. She was woken from her slumber by a series of distressed groans. She blinked a few times to clear her sight, and slowly turned her head to the left. Barely a metre away there was a petit girl with mid-length purple hair squirming desperately. She was weeping too. Clearly this girl was terrified; she must have only been about sixteen. Ten years younger than Belle herself, quite a large difference considering the amount a person goes through during those years.

Just as Belle opened her mouth to try and comfort the girl, she saw something incredible. Blue sparks crackled from the girl's head, but they were suddenly cut short and there was a shimmer of light. It ran across the kid's entire body.

In the name of the throne what was that? Hmm... I wonder.

Belle herself then slowly reached out with her arm, she touched something and instantly withdrew. Excruciating pain rippled all through her body, her muscles ached as if she'd just done hours of exercise. Rubbing the tips of her fingers she forced herself not to cry, or even whimper. Belle knew showing weakness at a time like this wasn't beneficial. All she could do was get some rest in preparation for what lay ahead, she resolved.

-

Karah had noticed the tall, well-toned woman on her right watching her struggle. She didn't care; all she wanted was to be free. But it was impossible. Every single time Karah channelled her power to surge through her and make contact with this shield, it would immediately rebound. The only clear result of her actions was a pathetic shimmer of light. Whoever had placed this shield over her clearly knew how powerful it needed to be.

Does that mean they know about me? Surely not! No-one can know; I'd be dubbed a freak, possibly even banished. But banished from where? I don't even know where this is. I don't remember seeing anywhere like this in the safezones. Feth, I must've been caught. Am I being held hostage? Maybe being prepared for a sacrifice? Or simple bargaining? Psychics can fetch a lot from the right customer. All must become clear soon. I hope.

Glancing to her left Karah could see a hefty brute of a man lying peacefully on another of these floating stretchers. The man's face had been battered; cuts and bruises marked his tanned face. He was wearing ripped khakis and big black boots, which had been scuffed. The older woman on her right was dressed in a rather sexual manner. A simple black, latex suit engulfed her entire body, leaving only her forearms, neck and face bare. Completely different from the basic jacket and skirt Karah herself was wearing.

Well, there was only option Karah could see here: keep trying to break this barrier. It felt like days were slowly passing by as she kept struggling to escape, but really it was barely a few hours. She'd be exhausted soon.

***

The vivid red light above the door suddenly went blank. It remained like so for about thirty seconds, then it re-appeared as a startling green. The door smoothly slid into a gap that had been cut out of the thick, metal wall. Nothing in the room stirred. The silence was pleasing to the silhouette standing in the doorway.

As he stepped forward, Inquisitor Gorlan inspected the three captives. No movement. No sound. Soon they will have fully recovered he knew, angry and wanting answers. That wasn't a problem, he thought. He would willingly provide any information the Inquisition deemed acceptable, and he was more than capable enough of dealing with these three pieces of scum. Although, the purple-haired girl was deceptively powerful in her mind. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to be more cautious when she awoke, he decided.

With a sly smirk on his face the Inquisitor turned, his crimson cape swirling in the air as he did so. His chunky, black boots were intriguingly quiet as he calmly walked back through the door. With a click it slid shut and the light returned to it's original shade of red.

-

Karah's eyes instantly flickered open. She was startled; a look of surprise adorned her delicate features.

Who the hell was that? Is it my capturer? A rescuer? No, don't be silly. She wouldn't still be stuck if the figure was here to set her free from this blasted barrier. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

A loud grunt made her jump. Looking across at the large man Karah realised he was just snoring. She sniggered. Then, for the first time in years, she actually laughed. It was a beautiful sound, such wonderful laughter.

--

Thanks for reading! Comments, criticism and sex are always welcome!

I'm back and creating signatures once again. If you need an avatar, signature, artwork or anything just drop me a PM or go here: My Graphics Workshop

Last edited by Broken; 03-03-10 at 11:12 AM.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-03-10, 11:04 AM
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Don't you think that's been covered in the more recent updates?
Yes. Though I was supporting his claim.
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