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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-19-10, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
I am Alpharius.
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Default The Planet of Ice

*This is a work in progress


I`ve seen more than a fair share of the Emperor`s forsaken hell-holes in the galaxy in more than fifty years of faithful and dedicated service to the Imperium, but the Icy hell called Gravlax Secundus, was the last place I wanted to visit. I had been assigned into Strike Force 7 commanded by Inquisitor Lord Amberley Vail. I had been put into the same place as the rank and file soldiers of Cadia, one of the other hell-holes in the galaxy, and I wondered why they had`nt asked the Valhallans to come, they were used to the cold shit, we were not.

And when you bear in mind that over the years I´ve been inside an Eldar Craftworld, and Necron Tomb and I`ve was almost sacrificed to the chaos gods when I got caught by the heretics when I was placing a homing beacon. So you can be sure that my experiences there rank among the most terrifying and life-threatening in a career littered with hairs`breadth escapes from almost certain death.

I walked into the little room that I, along with my squad of Storm Troopers called "home". Sometime ago the room had beds, all of them made for ratlings, I believe, as they were by far to small for normal men, so we had thrown them out of the room, as it was by far better to sleep on the floor than in those thrash buckets. And where the hell were we supposed to store our equipment? On the ships we usually traveled with there were weapon holders on the back wall, but no, in this ship there was barely place to store a single bag! Damn, the ship was probably a civilian cargo vessel, quickly made into a Imperial troop carrier. Luckily we had a window in our room, not that I would feel safe having it there, but it was a privilege compared to what the normal soldiers got. They had to share their rooms with their whole squad, usually 15 soldiers, and that had to be a disaster, as we barely had place to live in the little room, and there was just seven of us. And the normal soldiers were not permitted to go out of their room on any other situation than firing exercises. And they had no windows!

We were allowed to go almost where ever we want and eat together with the Navy in the great hall, the rank and file troops had to do it in their own rooms, and their food was usually cold as it was the shit left over by the Navy, the Command Staff and of course us.

I just waited for the time when we would get to the damn ice ball and do what ever the damn High Command wanted us to do and then we would get back to training camp at Valos III, the paradise planet.

My days were repeating themselves. When Al woke up on the morning he always said `To hell with it, it is the same shit, just a different day` and then he usually walked out of room, and no one saw him for a few hours. In that time I usually just sat on the floor and took a cup of tea. Then we did some push ups. Later we got some food together with the damn fly boys, also known as the Navy. The rest of the day was spent watching at stars through the window, and listening at las bolt impacting at the targets and walls in hte training range. In the three weeks we had been on the ship we had learnt that the Cadians, were inaccurate bastards, as more than 90% of their shoot sounded like that they would have hit the wall. And by the Emperor, I do not want to fight along side them, as I would have to fear being hit in the back by friendly fire all the time.

Chapter I will continue soon
Please, leave some comments!

Last edited by Doelago; 02-23-10 at 05:25 PM.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-10, 01:00 AM
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Hahaha... What a huge leap of improvement mate... No critique whatsoever and what an outstanding opening for your story....

Just a tip though if you want to do first person.... Describe his surroundings according to his attitude... Be like him... Cause I've done first person in one of my chapters in Advent... And it's not easy... Imagine being in Eldrad's shoes...

Well anyway, everything was good... Especially the main character's never ending complaint... Hahaha...
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-10, 07:27 AM
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Great stuff mate! I really enjoyed it! Keep up the awesome work! can't wait to read more.


The Founding Fields

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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-10, 08:58 AM
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I enjoy the 1st person aspect of it, and yes, it does sound very guard-like
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-22-10, 08:41 AM
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Very good 1st person narrative, just enough description to lead the reader.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-23-10, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
I am Alpharius.
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My computer has got some damn problems, and I have not been able to continue the story, but Chapter I should be up sometimes today...

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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