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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-06-10, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Default Chosen of the Emperor

--Prologue--

Virgil Naigok blinked, and attempted to raise his head from the cold, hard surface it was pressed against. The pain hit him before the room had even swum into focus, and it hit with all the power imaginable.

He felt consciousness slowly move away, but not before noting that he was not alone; male voices, deep and echoing, seemed to fill the space around him in an unnatural way. Virgil did not have much time to ponder this before darkness descended upon him.

Blinking awake once more, Virgil lay perfectly still and resisted the urge to immediately curl up into a ball; he almost desperately wanted to welcome back the soothing darkness, the pain was that intense.

Trying to focus instead on the somewhat relaxing vibrations that seemed to be emanating from all around him, he began trying to puzzle out just where he was; this was a far more appealing exercise than thinking about the agony he was experiencing, particularly in his chest. Worse still, he could not seem to remember why he was hurt so bad.

Last edited by Doelago; 02-07-10 at 01:52 PM.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 01:46 PM
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I think maybe you should remove the last couple of sentences. You started with a mysterious aspect and those sentences completely ruined it. ASTARTES in caps was a little unecessary in my opinion. Also i beleive you shouldn't reveal the chapter name quite yet. The person who's been operated on (thats what i thought was happening) probably wouldn't know what had happened. In my opinion it was far to revealing for a prologue. To make a sucessful prologue it needs to be something in the past (which i beleive is what your doing) or mysterious, something in the future. Or maybe a flashback from the main character. I think you should do a little editing there.

Sorry i was so critical, but critical comments always help the most. If id posted WOW thats was epic. it wouldn't have helped at all. This way you can improve your prologue. I'm not saying however I didn't like it I thought it was quite "EPIC!"

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"

Last edited by toffster; 02-07-10 at 01:47 PM. Reason: I'm sad... i done a typo
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by toffster View Post
I think maybe you should remove the last couple of sentences. You started with a mysterious aspect and those sentences completely ruined it. ASTARTES in caps was a little unecessary in my opinion. Also i beleive you shouldn't reveal the chapter name quite yet. The person who's been operated on (thats what i thought was happening) probably wouldn't know what had happened. In my opinion it was far to revealing for a prologue. To make a sucessful prologue it needs to be something in the past (which i beleive is what your doing) or mysterious, something in the future. Or maybe a flashback from the main character. I think you should do a little editing there.

Sorry i was so critical, but critical comments always help the most. If id posted WOW thats was epic. it wouldn't have helped at all. This way you can improve your prologue. I'm not saying however I didn't like it I thought it was quite "EPIC!"
Thanks for the advice! I am going to edit it right away!

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 01:56 PM
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Read it again, very good now. More of a mysterious aspect. You don't really know whats going on and therefore want to read further! Looking out for the next bit! Oh yes.... +rep

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Chapter I

We approached the Tau complex under the cover the darkness. The alien buildings had an almost smooth shape, unlike the harsh jagged edges of the Imperium. I removed the thought of it and clenched my bolter harder. Three of the scouts with sniper rifles took up position overlooking an entrance, while we with bolters moved in closer. My heart started to beat faster as we approached and although I had gone over our orders and battle plans many times, I was still nervous. I did not know how the battle would end, but I know it would be unforgettable.

We received the signal; the Inquisitional Storm Troopers had begun the attack on the north side of the complex. Soon sounds of alarms filled the air and I could see battle suits taking to the sky. That was our signal to infiltrate the complex. We got strait to work and planted melta-bombs at the Tau gate. In a fiery explosion we emerged firing our guns, the sound of the bolter was familiar, but there was a new sound. The sound of foul Xenos dying.

We charged in, ignoring the pulse rifle shots that were raining down upon us. I felt one shot hit me and it burned my flesh, but I ignored it. Some of my fellow scouts were not so fortunate... As I followed my sergeant and another scout, an accurate pulse rifle shot blasted his head clean off. I carried on and ran over to his bloody corpse.The other scout squads had joined us in combat and were adding some suppressing fire to the mix.

I pulled out my bolter and begun to shoot at the foul Tau, the noise was beginning to become a comfort compared to the high pitched noise that the pulse rifles made.

I had to take cover as Tau battle suits began raining fire down upon the battle field. Most of the scouts took cover, but those that didn’t were killed, the armour could not hold against the power behind the plasma. Then there was a blinding explosion as the Whirlwind artillery tanks begun raining hell upon the foul Xenos, and soon Terminators of the 1st company teleported straight in the middle of the Tau.

The Terminators begun to fire at the Tau soldiers that were taking cover upon the city walls, but the rain of pulse rifle shots did not cease. I decided to enter the nearest building and try to cleanse it of the Tau warriors. As I approached the door it seemed as if more and more pulse rifle shots were being aimed at me, but I paid little attention and simple fired my bolter blindly as I ran. When I got to the door, to my surprise there were two other scouts placing charges to open it. It exploded and we ran in, just in time too, as I heard the crash of more missiles. I guess the second wave of missiles landed.
Alarms were going off and the sound was deafening, but we stayed true to our mission. The building was like nothing I had ever seen before, all the sleek smooth bright hallways were in stark contrast to the fleet that I am used to. I know that the temptations that the Tau offers are almost as dangerous as those which Chaos promises. That much I do know. We silently and carefully walked through the hallways, taking up point and covering our advances, in case there were Tau soldiers still in the building. Our black armour did not blend in well with the hallways that were a bright white, but we were fortunate for we did not encounter any soldiers.

As we continued through the building, we began to hear some voices, not the voices of fellow space marines, but the strange foul tongue of the Tau. We approached a door. I took up point while the other two scouts moved towards it prepared to open it. As they placed the explosives, I held my breath, for it could have resulted in my death. When the melta bomb went off, it seemed as if time itself had slowed down as I took a deep breath and aimed my bolter; ready to kill any Tau that may be inside. The fiery roar of the burning flames rushed past me and it felt good.

The smoke cleared and I saw six Tau figures; one pulled what appeared to be a pulse rifle at me and I shot him through the head. It was like breath a breath of death, as the bolt shell went through his head. One of my brothers shot a Tau, but had his own head blown of by an other. I and the second scout shot the three other Tau warriors. The last Tau figure wore robes and carried a gold staff with a highly polished blue gem at the top. We entered with our guns raised and he raised his blue skinned hand as a sign of surrender.

“I am defeated space marine,” the Tau alien said “you and your kind have defeated me, but know that you will never defeat the Tau in the end. The Greater Good will prevail. His expression was grim as he said these words and those black eyes I will never forget.

“The Greater Good will be coming out of my bolter and into your head Xenos,” I glared at the Tau and pointed my bolter at him.

“Strong words from such a non-believer,” replied the Tau alien.

“It is you who are the non-believer!” I exclaimed, “The Emperor of mankind rules all and He demand that we, His angels of death purge all who believe in something else.”.

“Tell us,” I said.
“Where is the relic that you stole from the Imperium?”

“You had no right to claim that item as yours,” replied the Tau alien, “It belongs to the Greater Good just as all the stars will soon be united by us. But if you demand it so insistently, you do not have to look far for it. On the table in front of him, he began to reach for a button.

“Hold fast xenos,” I said, “How do we know that you will not call for reinforcements?”

“You do not know,” replied the Tau alien, “But I admit defeat” He pressed a button on the table in the centre of the room and it opened. Out came the "Crystal of the Faithful". I stared at the holy relic of Saint Delius, its holy light almost blinding me.

“You see human,” said the Tau alien, “This is your so called “relic”. I did not think it so important, but now that I see your expression I feel that it must affect you differently than I. However you will not have this so called “relic” for I will destroy it.” The Tau alien raised his staff and the whisper became a demand.

Last edited by Doelago; 02-07-10 at 08:29 PM.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Chapter II

My reflexes kicked in and I charged the Tau shouting “No!”.
The staff stopped only a few centimetres from the holy orb, as I was preventing it from moving any further. I being more than just humans easily had an edge over the Tau alien. I over powered the Tau alien and threw the staff away. Then I pulled out my combat knife and sliced its throat open. The alien feel dead to the ground. I quickly took the shining orb and put it into backpack.

Brother Juran was silent for some time, just staring at the dead Tau before saying “Good job brother Virgil.”

I was just about to respond when we both heard foot steps coming in our direction.
They were not that of a Space Marine, so it had to be a Tau bodyguard team sent to protect the dead Ethereal.

“I think we have company.” I said.

“Damn, no when everything was going fine.” Was Jurans response.

Just a moment later the windows burst in and Tau Fire Warriors opened fire. We both dived for cover behind the table and returned fire, killing three of the foul Xenos.
“We got to get the hell out of here!”
“Agreed”
“Window?”
“Window.”
“Grav-chute Halo or Bird?”
“Halo.”
A halo was a combat drop were you activated the grav-chute when you were really close to the ground. It was dangerous, but it helped you avoid any incoming fire.
With that thing decided Juran threw a grenade at the aliens, forcing them to cease fire and take cover. We both jumped over the table and ran straight through the explosion. I jumped out though the window into a spinning free fall leading straight into the battle bellow. I activated my grav-chute just twenty meters from the ground, floating safely down, before releasing myself from the chute five meters from the ground. I found my landing in front of a stunned Tau warrior. At first we stared at each other, before I shoot the alien with my bolter, blowing it apart with a burst of bolter shells. Juran landed ten meters away from me and we begun running for the gate. The city was in total chaos. Missiles fell everywhere, killing aliens and brining down buildings. The ground was filled with dead, both alien and Space Marine.

We were only ten meters from the gate when an explosion tore Jurans right leg of him. I jumped into a crater for cover and dragged Juran with me before I took a look behind me. What I saw was an green alien, called Kroot, staring at me. It was holding something that looked quite a lot like a Imperial Grenade launcher. The alien threw the weapon aside and drew a knife form its belt before charging me. I was quickly took aim, but the alien was faster. Throwing my bolter away, I had to engage it in close combat. I drew my combat blade, and for a moment we both stood still, just staring at each other. Suddenly the alien tried stab me with the knife, but I grabbed the aliens arm and pushed the knife aside. For just a split second the kroot was defenseless, and I took the full advantage of the situation and severed the aliens head from its shoulders.

I took a look at Juran. He was going to bleed out in just a few minutes if he did not get to a medic. I grabbed Juran around the waist and begun running the hell out of there. I ran past the gate into the forest. I had to dodge plasma shoots all the time as the Tau were firing blindly after me. Explosions erupted everywhere, and I had to be careful not to be blown apart. After four minutes of running I arrived to the Imperial command post ten kilometers away. I ran to the medical were I left Juran. He looked really bad. His skin was almost white. I sat down on a ammo create to get some breat before gong to command. I walked into he HQ and I was welcomed by Lord General Vermaas Tacitus.

“Did you come here straight from hell?” Was the first thing he said when I stepped into the office.
First I did not understand what he was talking about. But when I took a look at my cloths I understood. They were filled whit plasma burns and Jurans blood covered almost everything else than his shoulders.
I did not know how I should respond so I took the bag of me and handed it over to the Lord General who took a quick look at it before he said:
“You Astartes never fail to surprise me. Now go and get some rest.”

First when I walked out of the HQ I understood how tired I was. Five days of all out war was starting to take the toll on me. I took a few steeps in direction to the armory to get my armor to repairs. But suddenly I fell to the ground unconsicus.

Last edited by Doelago; 02-08-10 at 08:38 AM.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-08-10, 01:44 PM
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Well the thing is... You give the readers too much information... And most of them are pretty much obvious that you needn't to... And another thing, your descriptions are too shallow....

Here's are some examples:

"I was just about to respond when we both heard foot steps coming in our direction.
They were not that of a Space Marine, so it had to be a Tau bodyguard team sent to protect the dead Ethereal."

- You could have at least described the foot falls of the Tau... Make them distinct to that of the Space Marine's... And not do what you just did... Which made it shallow...

"I jumped out though the window into a spinning free fall leading straight into the battle bellow. I activated my grav-chute just twenty meters from the ground, floating safely down, before releasing myself from the chute five meters from the ground."

- Readers can't imagine the exact length of twenty meters or five feet meters in their heads... So, next time when there is a scene wherein you character jumps and plummets towards the ground... Give an assumption... Don't be too precise... It's boring and downright shallow again...

"As we continued through the building, we began to hear some voices, not the voices of fellow space marines, but the strange foul tongue of the Tau. - Well what could you expect? They did enter a "Tau" building... So naturally, the obviousness is already there...

And another thing... Virgil is more like a Guardsmen than an Astartes... Not because of how he thinks, but because of how you write and portray him in this story...


I hope you don't take offense in regards to my bluntness... It's the way I do things... I'll be
expecting your reaction mate...

Cheers!...

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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-08-10, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Virgil is still a scout, so I try to write about him more like a new recruit

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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-08-10, 03:16 PM
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Scout?... Then write him as a scout... I thought he was already a fully pledge space marine...
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-08-10, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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"Some of my fellow scouts were not so fortunate... As I followed my sergeant and another scout, an accurate pulse rifle shot blasted his head clean off."

In my opinion that tells everything.

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