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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-30-10, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Default Cracking the Code: an Imperial Guard Fanfiction

Author's Note: This is my second attempt at writing a fanfic for 40K. If I get enough positive reviews by the end of this, I may edit it into a format for a proper novel and send it off to Black Library. That's if it gets enough positive reviews. So Without Furthur Ado, Here's The Prologue.

++++

++Cracking the Code++
++Prologue: Invasion++

Somewhere in the Vorcus System, Five Years Earlier

“FIRST RANK, FIRE, Second Rank, Fire!” bellowed Commissar Enacius over the noise of the battle. His guardsmen obeyed his command with no doubt, unleashing a torrent of lasgun fire at the nearest Hormagaunts, reducing them to cinders. Then, as more of the Xenos mounted another charge, the second row of Guardsmen fired, and each Tyranid was brought down.

“Keep at this and we’ll be safe in three months!” the Commissar shouted. “Remember; keep your eyes on the ground and in the sky! Watch out for Gargoyles, Mawlocs, Tyrgons and Harpies! For the Emperor!”

“Yes sir,” replied a Guardsman, and then shooting at another Tyranid.

“Good,” the Commissar nodded, and moved along the trenches, ducking to avoid fire from the swarming Xenos. Shifting the body of a fallen Guardsman aside, the Commissar unleashed a few shots from his bolt pistol at a Tyranid that had managed to climb into the trenches. For a moment, his thoughts reflected on his family. His two little boys and his wife, who had been evacuated off-planet a week before the invasion, as per his orders. ‘No, you mustn’t think about them,’ The Commissar brushed the thought out of his mind, and turned just in time to see a Valkyrie blown up in a ball of flame, the wreckage setting a ruined building alight behind him. Three loud noises signalled that the Basilisks had been unharmed by the fireball.

“Sir,” Sergeant Rafe, an old, bald Guardsman in his sixties, addressed the Commissar, wiping his sweaty brow. “We have lost contact with the Glory Boys operating nearby Bridge 24 B. We believe their transport-“

“Call them by their proper rank, Sergeant,” instructed the Commissar.

“Sorry, sir,” The Sergeant replied, and was now shouting over the noise of the battle. “As I was saying, we have lost contact with Storm Trooper Squad 154 operating nearby Bridge 24 B. We believe their transport was hit. Should a squad be dispatched to their aid?”

“I’d like to,” the Commissar remarked. “If I could I would make sure that we all had aid, Sergeant. But we don’t. We’re under strength here. We can’t send aid to Squad 154.”

“Sir, one of my friends is there,” protested the Sergeant.

“I said,” We can’t send aid to Squad 154,” replied the Commissar. “If I find out that you have disobeyed my orders, Sergeant... Well, let’s just say it will be the last thing you ever do. Understand?”

“Yes Sir!” Sergeant Rafe snapped his legs together and saluted the Commissar, before immediately ducking to avoid a shot from another Tyranid, who was blasted back by one of his squad.

Suddenly, the ground was ripped into pieces, as rubble and corpses were thrust off the ground.

“TAKE COVER!” bellowed Commissar Enacius, diving to the ground, his Guardsmen quickly following orders. “Watch your asses! It might not be in a good mood!”

Sergeant Rafe screamed, as his body was torn apart by the creature as it surfaced. His men looked on in fear as the dust vanished, revealing a monster almost as tall as the building that it had just destroyed. The Mawloc roared, rearing back, so the Commissar could see the black under-belly of the Xeno. ‘Big Mistake’, The Commissar thought, and fired his bolt pistol five times, his men firing in unison. But was that thing down? The Commissar cursed in frustration as the dust settled, and the Mawloc had vanished.

“Sir, the Techmarines say that the shields are back online,” The Vox-Operator shouted to the Commissar.

“Good. Tell them to power them up before that Xenos scum dares to even think about trying to re-surface,” instructed the Commissar, and the Vox-Operator obeyed.


+++++

So what do you think? Any good? I'll try to keep a deadline of a chapter per week, but that may not be possible with other projects that I am working on.

Last edited by Bane_of_Kings; 01-30-10 at 10:31 AM.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-30-10, 03:49 PM
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Well the format is correct and the pacing is adequate...

But it barely entertained me...

Don't know why though?... Maybe because it had no substance... Such as a detailed description of their surroundings, a brief description of the terror that they are facing, dialogues that show a glimpse of who the characters really are and maybe also the minimal amount of gore...

Well that's my opinion...

Expecting you reaction mate...

Cheers!...

Last edited by waltzmelancholy_07; 01-30-10 at 03:52 PM.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-30-10, 03:57 PM
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Have to agree with the above poster, i'm guilty of doing much the same thing in most things I write. Bulked up a little with some well fitting description it could be much improved.

Edit: Just a small point on general flavour, only a personal preference. Its seems a bit off for a Commisar to know the proper names such as Mawlocs, Tyragons etc. 'nids are usually this fairly unknown alien horror to 'most' standard Imperial types. Then again your guys might be led by an intelligent Inquisitor or be very fammilar with the 'nids then my points moot

Last edited by Shacklock; 01-30-10 at 04:00 PM.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-30-10, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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waltzmelancholy_07: Thanks for your response, and i'll fit in more detail.

@ Shacklock: Yeah, I plan on going into detail about the Commissar's background later on in the novel. However, don't expect it to be immidiatly thrust upon you.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-31-10, 01:38 AM
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I concure or how ever you spell it.

"Do you see them, my Brothers? Do you see how they quake and tremble with fear? Soon, they shall know that all their fears are pale compared to the terror that will grip their vile souls when they hear the choir that is our bolters for we are veterans of over a thousand campaigns, do not come before an Angel of Death and his weaponry."


hippta243-
Inquisitor: Wait, What?!?! You mean I can finally stop pretending to be a pretentious asshole and carry out my.... "research" on Eldar and Tau females unmolested?!?! This wonderful news! Come Maria, my loyal unsanctioned psyker, we have much "research" to catch up on!

Maria: By the Emperor master, why do you always shout out heretical thoughts when your excited? Especially the part about me.

Inquisitor: .............QUICK, BACK TO THE SHIP!
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-02-10, 07:37 AM Thread Starter
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Next chapter should be up sometime this week. or next.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-10, 07:24 PM
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This is probably just me,
but it seemed more of a conversation than a story.

Don't get me wrong, its a good story but it needs more description? perhaps.

Also not everything thats said needs to be in speech marks per say,

For example;

Quote:“Sir, the Techmarines say that the shields are back online,” The Vox-Operator shouted to the Commissar.

could be written as:

The Commisar's vox reassured him with a swift bark, telling him the sheild were back online.

I find it keeps it more interesting than Bob said this, Dave said this...

but maybe this works for you, or as I said its just me.

After all its your story so ignore me if you want and keep writing!

Congratulations!! You now have the power of the jaguar warrior!

err... couldn't I shoot lasers from my hands instead?

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-04-10, 07:45 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for you help. Next chapter is halfway done.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-05-10, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Here's the First Chapter (N/A: That was the prolouge)

++Cracking the Code++
++Chapter I: Flight++


Continent Mandias, Planet Vorcus, the Present Day


“Alright men!” The Elderly Sergeant Roman Lucius shouted to his men, clinging to the roof of the war-torn Valkyrie that carried Squad VI through the densely packed trees. The other hand held his Lasgun, which he had nicknamed Death. Squad VI composed of Ten Men, each drafted in from their home world of Cadia, the famous Garrison world near the Eye of Terror. “Stick together and we’ll get through this all in one piece! Just remember, The Emperor’s watching our backs!”

“Yes boss,” A dark skinned Cadian, his hair covered by a helmet, replied. The soldier turned to another man, who had just thrown up, his sick passing out of the open transport, hitting the floor below. “Renhax ain’t feeling too good.”

“Well done for stating the obvious, Validus,” The Sergeant replied, and his men laughed. The Valkyrie continued to fly through the trees, their ace pilot, Roman Detarius, who had spent years behind the wheel, was coping extremely well. A grey, shiny Valkyrie whizzed past them. “Remember, as long as we keep our faith in The Emperor, we’ll get through this!”

“Look out!” yelled Detarius’s Co-Pilot suddenly, and Lucius squinted. “Tyranids above and below!”

Another Cadian swore loudly, and looked over the edge of the Valkyrie to see several aliens, swarming over the trees, devouring every life form that they found. Nothing, not even the smallest bacteria was safe. “So much for our surprise attack,” the man spat.

“Positions!” bellowed the Sergeant, and pulled the trigger on Death twice, aiming at the jungles below. Two screams could be heard as the Xenos fell to the floor. “Two down, boys!”

“That’s not fair, I wasn’t ready!” Validus shouted, unleashing a horde of lasgun shots at the Gargoyles that were attacking. There was a loud explosion as the Valkyrie that had just whizzed past them was destroyed, its occupants dying in a ball of flame. “I got one!” Validus exclaimed, as the Gargoyles fell out of the air.

“Take Cover!” ordered Sergeant Lucius, as a torrent of bio-weapon fire cascaded towards the Valkyrie. Several shots went astray, but one of Lucius’s squad was hit before he could escape.

One of the Sergeant’s men cried out in anguish at seeing his comrade fall, and unleashed several shots at the oncoming swarm. Some missed, but others hit their mark. The Man Held up four fingers and one thumb, signalling five kills. It was a fun game, but a reckless one.

The Valkyries continued throughout the jungle, not stopping to directly engage the horde, relying on the accuracy of the passenger’s lasgun, and the turrets attached to the top of the craft. The Vox-Operator turned to the Sergeant. “I’ve received new details on our landing co-ordinates. We’ve got to head South-East to point 0765.”

“0765? Are you sure?” asked the Sergeant. “I thought that the blasted Xenos had overrun that two years ago!”

“Well you’ve been misinformed, Sergeant,” replied The Vox-Operator, before relaying the command to Detarius, who obeyed and turned the Valkyrie to the East, following the main patrol, as another Valkyrie exploded behind them, the fireball just missing their transport. The remaining Valkyries increased their speed, desperately trying to outpace the swarm that they had left behind.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-07-10, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Why not so much replies as the Prolouge? Did I do something wrong?
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