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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-04-10, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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hey this is my first attempt at a story, hope you like it


Prologue

Bodies... Bodies everywhere... Shas'la O'Kias saw the bodies everywhere, and he was horrified, this was his first time in the firing zone and it would be locked in his mind for the rest of his life, of the poor bodies of innocent tau civilians, members from the earth, water, and air castes, just lying there, limp and dead, this is what the Chaos Spacemarines did to people, they murdered them, butchered them, and defiled them.

O'Kias saw bodies of small tau children hanging from poles, and dangling off Tau habitat buildings, he saw bloody decapitated heads, lying in the gutters beside fallen people, who died where they fell. It was horrible, and O'Kias was horrified, and he would remember the things he saw for the rest of his life.

O'Kias ran up the stairs of the habitat, his breath pounding in his ears, for the first time in his life he was really scared. Stopping at the top of the stairs he turned around and pointed his pulse rifle down the stair waiting for the inevitable flood of corrupted and evil things he before he had ran up these stairs.

Just five minutes ago he had been thinking of the horrible depravities he had seen lying on the road and in the gutter, then he saw the chaos, the real chaos, and he was terrified. O'Kias and his squad walked around the corner and instantly, three of the squad was cut down, he didn't know who, but instantly the squad had gone into cover, tracking movements in the dust, when two more members just exploded, it wasn't the type of explosion you would expect, where they exploded in a little puff of red, more like everything within 5 metres was just covered in gore and blood.

Then O'Kias saw the first movement, and started targeting it, but he just stopped and stared when he saw what came out of the cloud of billowing dust. It wasn't natural, it was unnatural and evil, it was a huge man fused with metal and strange looking guns, that just changed position on his body, he had heard of them from old war veterans who had been pulled out of service for a while due to wounds, it was a oblitorator!

It seemed to walk slowly and would be an easy shot, so O'Kias aimed and shot three times at the center of the thing, but the shots didn't seem to do any thing, they were just... just absorbed into the things flesh, then the thing turned around and shot for the first time he saw, and four more members of the squad got shredded by a sort of exploding bullet, that was fired at a high velocity.

So O'Kias got up and ran with the two remaining members of the squad, he ran along the street, down an alley way across a road, and then he saw the open door and he ran into the habitat building and there he was standing at the top of the stair waiting to die.

The noise of gunfire coming from across the Habitat Building startled O'Kias into turning around and he saw a huge Human covered in massive plates of armour looking out into the street shooting a stubby gun that barked like the gun on the oblitorator but only smaller in version, this had to be one of the Chaos marines who had done such atrocities to the Tau civilians.

O'Kias exclaimed in horror, and as the Marine heard him and started to turn around, he emptied his whole magazine into the things chest and head, demolishing its face and sending spinning out the window to land with a loud thud upon the ground, followed by a muffled shout and some hushed words "who killed that?" surviving tau! O'Kias lent out of the window and called softly "fellow tau, i am lost, may i join you in your mission?"


So is it good, bad, alright but could use some work?

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-05-10, 02:08 AM Thread Starter
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Chapter 1

"O'Kias get into position behind that barricade over there, we need covering fire!" screamed Shas'ui Siea.

O'Kias jumped up, leaped the small wall and sprinted for barricade Siea was pointing at, as las rounds flew past him and impacted on walls and barricades with a loud thudding sound, he slid into cover and instantly started shooting at the followers of Chaos, luckily these weren't the dreaded chaos space marines O'Kias had encountered before he met up with this squad, these were cultists firing upon the squad.

As O'Kias shot at them, Shas'ui Siea run to take cover in a doorway on the opposite side of the road, and opened fire, scything down three cultists with expert shots, O'Kias cursed, in his rush he had been snatching his shots so they had gone wild, now he took proper aim and shot a cultist in the chest, causing him to tip backward almost in slow motion.

Suddenly one of the other squad members flew back as if he had been hit by a fast moving vehicle and landed beside O'Kias, with his chest caved in and fluids seeping out, O'Kias instinctively flinched away from the dead body as three Space marines walked out of an alley way and opened started laying down a hail of bullets upon the tau fire warriors. "we need immediate support" O'Kias screamed into his voice link, "we have numerable contacts and three heavies, there is only seven of us here facing innumerable odds, back up is needed!"

"Copy that, identifying your location now, we will be sending in two crisis xv8 battlesuits"
O'Kias grinned and shouted across the road at Siea "they are sending in two xv8's to back us up!", and started firing upon the cultists managing to take down three more with two chest shots and a head shot, before his gun clicked dry and gave an emergency beep "ammunition out, reload"

O'Kias cursed as he rolled behind cover and slammed in a new pulse battery, before standing up and unloading his whole magazine into the oncoming cultist horde as they moved towards the tau position, managng to take down five more just through sheer firepower, before ducking down as las shots peppered the barricade or flew past the over his head.

As O'Kias cowered, waiting for the shooting to die down, he heard the sound of jet boosters a split second before the two crisis suits landed and opened fire with their burst cannons and plasma rifles, cutting down the three space marines and decimating half of the cultist horde, and sending the rest of the foe running for cover.

With a cheer, O'Kias stood up and ran for another barrier closer to the enemy followed by the rest of his squad, as he fired from the hip he felt a las shot hit him in the foot and send him sprawling. As he cried out in pain, Shas'ui Siea stopped to help him and was killed by a shot to the base of the spine that pushed him onto O'Kias, exclaiming in disgust O'Kias pushed him off and crawled into cover before shooting at the retreating enemy. they had won the firefight but at a cost of four tau warriors, three more wounded, O'Kias included.

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-06-10, 07:19 AM Thread Starter
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Chapter 2

"Moving forward into the building, FOR THE GREATER GOOD!" Shas'la O'Kias said into his voice link, he was trying to get into a position for the assault that was inevitable, the enemy could been seen gathering in a huge mass, readying themselves for the attack on the tau forward base.

Among the small forms of at least one hundred cultists, there could be seen the huge forms of at least fifteen space marines and one obliterator, O'Kias scurried across the road and into the building, climbing the stairs, he burst out the top and ran over to the window facing out onto the street.

From this position, he was able to see the whole street where the battle was taking place, luckily for the tau the street was enclosed and there was almost no alley ways leading into the other streets, unless they wanted to walk back about three kilometers, followed by another six the opposite way, so the tau were lucky in this case.

Defending the makeshift bunker the earth caste had created, was about twenty tau fire warriors, four pathfinders, two crisis suits, and a broadside battlesuit, in case enemy armour showed up.

As O'Kias was contemplating possible tactics played out by the the cultist horde, he noticed a member standing at the front of the mass of soldiers, he was wearing a long dark grey robe, with overlapping carapace armour plates covering his chest and arms, his face was covered by a mask that was completely smooth apart from the slightest contour for a nose, how the man saw things O'Kias didn't know.

Suddenly the man nodded and the horde started charging, O'Kias cursed and shouted into his voice link "incoming, enemy inbound!", with that he lifted his pulse rifle and looked down the optics looking for the man with the mask, as he was obviously the leader of this band and dispatching him would down their morale completely, but O'Kias couldn't find him, so he started taking out the front runners of the mob, thinking that if he could show the horde what was happening to the front runners so nobody would run out front and slow down giving the tau more time to destroy as many as possible.

But sadly this tactic failed and the mob continued on their destructive path.

Then the burst cannon emplacements manned by two of the firewarriors opened up along with the crisis suits, managing to cut down at least twenty before one of the crisis suits exploded, O'Kias looked in surprise and dismay, wondering what could've occurred to make this happen.

He saw the masked man at the back of the horde gesturing his hands, before one of the burst cannon emplacements blew up, he must be a Pysker, O'Kias' human friend had been talking about these, although O'Kias had never encountered a tau one, he had been told physic tau didn't exist "I have to kill him" growled O'Kias to himself.

Taking a careful bead upon the mans chest plates and shot, the man staggered back and fell onto his knees, his chest plate peeled open and foul liquid spilling out, even as he died he started laughing, and cried out in a voice that seemed magnified until it was booming around and the tau without helmets were clutching their ears "this this is not your planet to rule, you will submit to chaos, you will die!" and with that last word he expired and fell to the ground, "well that was ominous" laugh O'Kias before taking out more cultists with expert shots before his vision went black, "helmet damaged helmet damaged" beeped an emergency voice.

Ripping off his helmet, O'Kias looked at the front, a solid shell had clipped it and destroyed the front lense, the side of the helmet, and the voice piece, cursing, O'Kias pulled out a solitary voice piece and fitted it over his ear, looked out the window and started shooting again.

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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Chapter 3

The crunch of the gravel beneath his hooves was loud in O'Kias' ears, his breathing seemed heavy, everything seemed louder, him and his new squad was sneaking up to a cultist command base, getting into position for the retaking of the bunker, O'Kias cursed softly under his breath, the civilians who had lived here were draped across road and nailed to doors by the cultists, heads had been stuck on poles and tied from street lights.

O'Kias crawled along until he reached an open door, pushing it open slightly he looked inside "found an open door, room looks clear, i moving in to position" he stated through his voice link, he then crawled over the doorstep and stood up, waiting for the two firewarriors who support him to come through the door.

When they arrived, he moved up to a door way and pushed it open, both fire warriors jumping up and aiming into the doorway, "clear" one said, they continued in this manner until they reached some stairs.

Aiming up them he ascended the stairs slowly, jumping at every little shadow, when he got o the top he looked around "seems deserted" he said to the others, when the didn't answer him he spun around and saw both of the lying in a puddle of blood and a strange pus-like substance with their heads cloven with a huge blade "home base, this is this is counter three, i have lost both of my members to target or targets unknown, requesting immediate backup"

Aiming down the stairs he waited for a reply, although it wasn't one he wanted to hear "negative counter three, we have no available friendlies in the area, continue on your own", O'Kias cursed and, moved into a different room where the windows were beside the entrance, allowing him to survey both, "home base, this is counter three, I am in position"

"Well done counter three, ambush is set, commence the attack!"

O'Kias waited for the first few shots to be fired before aiming out the window, those wouldn't have hit, they were just to alert the enemy.

Just as he aimed out the window, O'Kias heard a small sound, like a shuffle move, spinning around he saw a huge figure cloaked by the shadows in the corner of the room, with a snarl O'Kias leapt away and a said "give me a reason to shoot you"

The thing just moved out of the shadows into the light and O'Kias exclaimed in disgust, the thing had one eye, cloven hooves, and was covered in pussy liquid, a massive horn extended out of the top of it head and it carried a blade that seemed to be made out of bone and was leaking foul substances.

O'Kias fell back and started shooting at the thing, it just got pushed back until it hit a wall, when he had emptied a whole battery into he stopped to reload, the thing just stood up and slowly shambled towards him, slamming in a new battery he opened fire again, sending it back into the wall again.

This time it didn't just fall against the wall it fell straight through in and tripped over a chair and fell down the stairs, rolling until it hit the bottom, O'Kias ran through the door, and threw a photon grenade down the stairs, when the grenade blew he ran down the stairs and shot the thing through the head, making a great caving hole in it.

He cursed and ran up the stairs and got to the top, and ran into the room "how is the ambush going fire caste?" he called through the voice link, all he got was screaming in answer, "damn it!" he howled, they must have known about the ambush and sent those things to retaliate, he didn't think the tau had encountered such monsters before.

He had to get to a tau base to tell them of this new threat, he started running down the stairs and out into the sun, he started running down the streets, trying to get away from this slaughter place, when a hand grabbed his foot and sent him flying onto the ground, turning around he pointed his pulse rifle at the place where his foot had been grabbed, and saw a tau firewarrior with blood spilling down his face, cursing O'Kias crawled over to him and said "are you alright, what happened here?"

The firewarrior just started grabbing at him and pulling him closer, while muttering incoherently, when O'Kias leaned in to listen to what he was saying, the firewarrior suddenly lunged out and bit onto the armour of O'Kias' wrist, "whats wrong with you" O'Kias shouted before pushing him away, the firewarriors, just got up and started shambling towards him its teeth bared, O'Kias lifted his gun into the things face and said "stop now or i blow your face off!" when it moved closer and bit his arm armour again, he just pushed it off and put a pulse through the things head, he turned around and started running again when something else grabbed his foot, this time he kept his balance and kept running, all around him corpses were getting back up and shuffling towards him.

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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Chapter 4

As Shas'la O'Kias ran he could hear tau screaming through his voice link "we are surrounded by our own civilians, they are attacking, us what is happening, we need suppo" (a choking gurgle) followed by static before another tau started up "what is happening, why are they attacking us? we need immediate support, i repeat immedia" (incoherent screaming).

This continued on for about ten minutes before the voice link went dead and he couldn't hear anything. Rounding a corner, O'Kias stopped and stared, thousands upon thousands of tau civilians and fire warriors just stood staring the other way, with a silent curse, O'Kias backed slowly around the corner, and into a tau habitat, turning around he ran up some stairs and onto the roof, there was only one way he was going to get past all these and that was the roof, if he climbed and jumped along he might stand a chance of getting out of this hell hole.

Climbing onto the roof he looked up and saw a chaos space marine standing looking down into an alley way, with a curse O'Kias dropped back down into the stairwell, with a quick glance he affirmed that there wasn't any other cultists or space marines he would have to take out on this roof or the roof he will be jumping onto.

Pulling out the plasma rifle slowly, as he didn't want to make any unnecessary noises, O'Kias looked down the optics at the space marines head, with a quick shot the marines head atomized in a spray of red vapour.
The noise would've obviously alerted the things below so O'Kias jumped up and started running, as he reached the edge of the roof he didn't slow down just jumped, he would need all the momentum he could get to make this, as he started to fall he realized he wouldn't make it and stretched out his arms, just catching the lip, of the building, pulling himself up he continued running as the cultists realized he was there and started firing their las locks at him.

As O'Kias reached the second jump, he was relieved to see it was an easy jump, of only about one metre, as he reached the edge though a las lock skimmed his hip, causing him to spin, and fall of the edge, reaching out, one hand caught the lip on the next building,just holding him above the tide of things below him, looking up with hungry eyes and snapping jaws.

That was just the motivation O'Kias needed to swing his other hand up and grab the edge with both hands, pulling himself up, he ran over to the stair well, and un-shouldered his pulse rifle, he would need to take out those cultists firing upon him before he could move, O'Kias was lucky to be alive after that last ordeal.

With quick burst of imprecise bursts of pulse fire he managed to take out three before he heard a slight moaning beneath him, as he looked he saw a legless civilian crawling towards him, with a curse, O'Kias brought his pulse rifle around and shot it the heart, pushing onto its side, so it started rolling down the stairs.

Turning around O'Kias shot the last two cultists before, jumping up and running to the other side of the building.

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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Chapter 5

"O'Kias move into the upper floor, the we are almost at breaking point, and we need to retreat to a vantage point, and we need covering fire as we get into the building, come on hurry up!" shouted Shas'ui O'Shai as he fired precise from his window view, cutting down another three of the people that were once their own.

O'Kias stood up from behind a table he was firing from and shot another person in the head, making it explode in a shower of brain matter and gore, turning he ran up the stairs and onto the balcony overlooking the congregational room of the hab-unit, getting to the top of the stairs he called out to the other five members in the unit "im in position, whenever your ready to come up, im waiting" O'Kias aimed at the door and waited for the tau to get up.

Screaming made O'Kias loose concentration and look over at the corner, only to see one of the tau being dragged out of the window by six of the things that were once civilians.
Shouting O'Kias turned his weapon onto the poor soul, if O'Kias allowed him to be taken, he would either be eaten alive, or be turned into one of the strange beings, sadly he opened fire and put the poor fire warrior out of misery, before shooting at the six that had dragged him out, killing them all.
Turning back to the door, he saw that they were starting to break through the barricade the fire warriors had created to stop them, O'Kias screamed through his vox "get up here, they are breaking through the main door, hurry!" before throwing a grenade which landed at the base of the door, a thing leaned forward and grabbed it and shoved the grenade into its mouth, thinking it was something worth eating, "you will find that a bit hard to chew, you bastard!" O'Kias muttered, just before the things head was enveloped in blue flames, along with its body and eight of the things surrounding it.

"Good job!" Shas'ui O'Shai murmured, taking a position along side him, his pulse rifle fitted into a gap in the railing, "but now we have a bigger hole for them to come through" gritting his teeth, O'Kias loaded a fresh battery into his pulse rifle, before looking down the optics of his rifle at one certain thing, it was covered in tatters of clothing, and its mouth and chin was covered in blood, at some point, it had lost its right arm, and there was blood dripping off and seeping into the ground, in the middle of its chest was a huge gaping hole, with pus and blood leaking out.

'How had it come to this' he thought to himself, 'how did this happen', he shot the thing in its head, which evaporated in a spray of blood, "O'Kias, we need to get out of here, i need you to get the radio which is down on the floor level, i only just found out we had the necessary tools up here to fix it" O'Shai glared at another member of the group "us four will cover you while you retrieve the radio!"

Standing up, O'Kias loaded a fresh battery in, before running for the stairs, jumping down three at a time, he turned a corner to find himself on ground floor, spinning behind a table, he peeked over the top of the turned over table, seeing the things breaking through the door, but thats not what he was here for, he kept on looking around for the radio, he saw it over in the corner opposite him, he would have to go right through the path of fire, gritting his teeth, he pulled the pin on a grenade, before rolling it along the floor to bump against one of the furtherest dead so far, 'at least it will slow them down' he thought, waiting for the explosion, when it came he stood up and ran across the room spraying fire in the general direction of the doorway.
Reaching the radio, O'Kias slung his rifle onto his shoulder and picking up the long range radio in one fluid motion, before turning around and running up the stairs, "I have it here" he panted before running onto the balcony, and starting to shoot down upon the poor people of this city.

After a long five minutes of shooting, they heard the radio static and and a transmitting tone being released "home base, this is Shas'ui O'Shai, i am in need of immediate assistance, i have five fire warriors and we are under heavy attack, our ammunition is running low, we have about four minutes left before we will be using our weapons as clubs, please send backup, PLEASE!" he finished shouting into the transmitter.
Waiting for the response after 20 long seconds a reply was heard "roger that O'Shai, logging onto your position, we will have six fire warriors in a devilfish and two crisis suits coming in for backup, we will be there in two minutes" a voice said before the radio quietened and O'Shai came back too the balcony "two minutes O'Kias, only two more minutes!" he said before throwing the last grenade down, so it spun and landed right in the middle of the door way, killing another eleven poor souls, he hoisted his pulse rifle and started taking head shots and the things killing them one by one.

Soon the screaming jets of a devilfish was heard, along with bursts of fire, and two fire warriors burst through the door, signaling for the men on the balcony to come to the devilfish with all speed, running full tilt down the stairs, the last five remaining members of the original squad jumped into the devilfish followed by another six from the other squad, "dont worry your out of the field for now" one of the shout encouragingly across the devilfish compartment, but that only made O'Kias even more empty and despairing than before, 'for now' he thought 'only for now?'

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-29-10, 09:52 AM
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Reading the first section, I really like this, and will find some time to readit proper later tonight. Ignoring easily fixable gramma and punctation mistakes, this seems to be quite exciting and a good effort.

One thing I would say is that you might want to reformat it for ease of reading.
Mst of the forums I use have people using this tyoe of format, and I also use it too, to make it easier to digest.

For example
(and Ill borrow some of your work here and reformat it, without editing it.)


Quote:
"O'Kias get into position behind that barricade over there, we need covering fire!" screamed Shas'ui Siea.

O'Kias jumped up, leaped the small wall and sprinted for barricade Siea was pointing at, as las rounds flew past him and impacted on walls and barricades with a loud thudding sound, he slid into cover and instantly started shooting at the followers of Chaos, luckily these weren't the dreaded chaos space marines O'Kias had encountered before he met up with this squad, these were cultists firing apon the squad.

As O'Kias shot at them, Shas'ui Siea run to take cover in a doorway on the opposite side of the road, and opened fire, scything down three cultists with expert shots,

O'Kias cursed, in his rush he had been snatching his shots so they had gone wild, now he took proper aim and shot a cultist in the chest, causing him to tip backward almost in slow motion.

Suddenly one of the other squad members flew back as if he had been hit by a fast moving vehicle and landed beside O'Kias, with his chest caved in and fluids seeping out,

O'Kias instinctively flinched away from the dead body as three Space marines walked out of an alley way and opened started laying down a hail of bullets upon the tau fire warriors. "we need immediate support" O'Kias screamed into his voice link, "we have numerable contacts and three heavies, there is only seven of us here facing innumerable odds, back up is needed!"
Doing that breaks up the text and makes it easier to read and digest.

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I'd have to agree with greywulf and might I add a little...

Your current format is the common mistake of any aspiring author... The clustering of every sentences without any spaces in between... This quickly gives the reader an impression that your story is not worth reading... And this also puts the pacing in a chaotic state...

Follow greywulf's advice mate, he knows what he's doing...

And thanks again for the rep and comment...

Expecting your reply and reaction to our comments

Cheers!

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ok thanks guys i didnt really think of these things when i was writing it, but yeah always good to have criticism, i appreciate it, thanks a lot

i did what you guys suggested, and i agree it does make my page look much more interesting, so yeah thanks a lot

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


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Chapter 6

O'Kias gulped as he was walked over to the Tau Manta class battleship, which had been landed and was being used as temporary headquarters, he was about to meet a member of the elite, the rulers of the tau, the Ethereals.

"O'Kias, come here" the Shas'vre shouted down the climbing ramp "the Great Ko"varshe wants to talk to you about this new threat!"

O'Kias started walking briskly up the ramp, he wanted to look good for this great leader, as he got to the top, the Shas'vre was waiting for him, "about time, you don't keep an Ethereal waiting" O'Kias cursed he hadn't thought of that, with some quick steps he walked into the brightly lit interior of the manta, and saw him.

He was tall, about 6"3', his face was lined with age, But that didn't deter his Fierce look about him, his brown lock had grey lining through it, ad as he moved his robes fluttered around him, like there was a breeze nearby.

The Ethereal was sitting at a command node, speaking into it and then listening to the reply, until he noticed O'Kias standing there awkwardly "come here friend, you must be O'Kias, i have heard great things about you", the Tau stood up and looked towards O'KIas, his eyes softening when they reached his face "you have seen some pretty horrible things haven't you?", O'Kias was tongue so he just nodded dumbly.

The Ethereal laughed softly "theres no need to be frightened, i wont hurt you, nor do i want to." then his face hardened and he said "but those things that were once our poor poor men and helpless civilians now will, i need your help to protect the rest of our race on this planet, will you help me O'Kias, will you?"

O'Kias nodded and then spoke in a husky voice "my lord, these things do die, but it is difficult, they are strong and shooting or blowing off a limb won't work, even stomach shots do not deter them, you need to shoot them in the head or the chest to kill them, but even then only head shots are really definite"

For the next half an hour, O'Kias told this understanding and caring individual his experiences, before the Ethereal finally said "that is enough, thank you for all this vital data that you have shared, do you wish to stay here, or do you want to be transported home with the wounded, my Friend?"

O'Kias was shocked that the Ethereal would offer him a chance of survival, what should he say? "Thank you my lord, but i wish to stay and kill these scum which have defiled these poor civilians and firewarriors, and if it is fine, i wish to take your leave, so i can return to the battlefield as soon as possible", with that he turned and started walking to the armory, intending to get as many magazines and grenades as possible.

The Ethereal watched O'Kias go "what a strong willed individual, willing to go back to the battlefield after such an ordeal" he murmured to himself, "if only all our soldiers were that noble" before turning back to the command node, "all support teams, we are being attacked by our own civilians, no mercy, i repeat, NO MERCY! The former civilians are now dangerous, if bitten you are infected, i repeat, you are infected, the civilians are now to be recorded as D.E.A.D, otherwise known as Dangerous Extracellular Anaerobic Designs, for the greater good" he intoned before turning off the command node and leaning back, thinking about that strange soldier O'Kias

Q:What is the most Ironic death do you reckon ?
A: Umm probably having a hospital land on you


Last edited by Fumble Tumble; 02-26-10 at 08:49 AM.
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