Originally Posted by waltzmelancholy_07
Wow... Typhos and correct tenses are the only things I would advice you to improve at...
Overall, it was magnificent... First time? I don't think so
It had the right pacing and the elements were in place... I really thought that I was following Timan as he fled... Good job...
Have a rep... Looking forward to your future works
wow thanks mate. Im only 13, so im not a author or anything ;) I didn't think i'd get any compliments. Well here it goes... heres chapter 1 (WARNING, long post ahead!) :
A lone man walked across the sand dunes spread across Primvan IV, the sand was cast in a crimson hue, his shadows spread across the fine sand while the two suns ascended above him marking morning. The third was descending into the horizon of the deserted , war torn planet. The man was far from what he called home, the sanctuary he had lived in for over 7 years now. He was heading back there now, back to another repetitive day of his duties around the camp. Little did he know that this day was going to be far from ordinary.
On another planet far away from Primvan IV, a civilization that had stood for over a million years fell, no one survived. This was just the beginning.
The camp fire danced merrily accompanied by the shouts and jeers of men, the sounds of a thousand soldiers. The man walked among these, striding with purpose. He stood a foot over those around him. His bulk twice that of the soldiers. His stride outpaced the running messengers as he headed for his destination. The light of dusk reflected from his black armour. Men stood in awe as he looked down on them, some recoiling from the skull mask he sported. His weapon hung at his side. A codex from his hip. He arrived at the entrance to a tent, servitors running in and out, taking errands. He didn't enter the tent however, instead he stood and waited. No sooner that two seconds later was he called in by a gruff voice. He frowned... and entered.
Above Primvan IV, a large ship floated. A hooded figure sat in the command throne, surrounded by servitors.
One wheeled over to where he sat, “My lord, we have reports of an incoming vessel, no ID detected.”
The man smiled. “Really” he said smugly.
A light on a display console began to flash red as the space in front of the battle cruiser fluctuated and collapsed in upon itself.
Upon the battle barge His Will another man knelt. Similar in bulk and size this man knelt before a statue. Under his breath he chanted verses of prayer. The arched walls of the chapel rose above him and he was dwarfed by their sheer complexity. The statue he knelt before was depicted in golden armour with wings sprouting from his back. He sat upon a throne, and perched on his shoulder was a two headed eagle. The Space Marine stood, he bowed to the statue of the Emperor. And promptly exited. Unlike the calm in the chapel the outside the corridor was crowded and full of rushing servitors and shouting men, he placed his helmet upon his head. Immediately he heard a stream of chatter coming from the command bridge.
“What? What did it just say?”
“I don't know!”
“Get a techmarine over here we-”
“Ship is readying weapons!”
The space marine rushed through the corridors pushing soldiers out of the way. He pulled a small stubby weapon from his hip, racked the slide and stood, calmly, in a designated position. Around him were other space marines following his example. The panicked soldiers immediately began to calm. With massive, human tanks standing beside them, who could hurt them? This didn't make them slack in their duty though. They continued to rush around shouting orders, but with a more orderly atmosphere. The radio chatter began to die down as the bridge realised something. The ship wasn't aiming at them.
He breathed in the fumes of the dark and gloomy tent. His enhanced eyesight struggling to see through the thick smoke. His frown deepened.
“Why did you call me here, Pysker?”
Come closer space marine, I wont bite.
Very well. The voice resounded in Chaplain Jonas' mind. It disgusted him.
I called you here so you could listen to my warning.
“Get on with it!”
I would show you if your mind was not closed space marine, until then I cannot.
“Speak it to me! Filth!”
Now, now Chaplain, patience is a virtue.
“One I no longer posses!” He began to shout. “Speak!”
Do not resist Jonas. And you will see.
The images of a thousand worlds flooded into Jonas' mind, Primvan IV in ruins. A virus bomb spreading across it's surface. Thousands upon thousands of dead. He saw a massive ship in orbit, it's guns firing on the planet below. A dark figure laughing. Thousands of worlds sacrificed to a dark god. Then everything went black.
On the bridge of His Will Techmarine Tarsus, sat in his command throne. He watched as the ship in front of him readied its weapons. It began aiming at the planet below. Ten thousand Imperial Guard stood on that planet right now. And a squad of space marines.
“What do we do sir?”
“It is too late” Stated Tarsus.
“Should we fire?”
“No” He said firmly.
They bridge crew scowled and muttered. Yet they would not go against the command of a techmarine of Mars. Especially one of the Black Templars. They weren't know for their mercy. Just as the bridge began to come to peace a space marine barged through the door.
“What's going on!?” Captain Farse of the third company demanded.
The techmarine panicked, “My crew will not fire on this ship!”
“WHAT!?” Farse bellowed.
The gunnery crews immediately began to order attack patterns. They knew what was happening next, and hoped to get out of it. A man new to the bridge stepped up.
“Sir, with all due respect. The Techmarine told us not to fire.”
The crew flinched. They knew how high his word was compared to the Techmarine. Farse didn't hesitate. The man was dead before he hit the floor. His neck broken.
“Let that be a example to you! The Black Templars don't let their servants run on a wild leash!”
The crew saluted, as he left. The other new members shocked to the marrow. The ship began to shudder as weapons fired.
“Receiving fire from the Imperial ship my lord” a wretched voice announced from the darkness.
The air was thick and damp, the corners of the bridge completely obscured, yet this did not bother the man standing in the middle of the ship. Here stood Chaos Lord Brauntus. He was twice the height of his crew members and had twice as many growths and mutations. The right hand side of his face was a bloody mess, leaking pus. His eyes dark and haunted. And his hair was completely shaven, he looked down upon the heretics he called his crew. Made mainly of deformed space marines and the odd tech adapt. They shied away from his gaze and he smiled, smiled at their insignificance in the universe. His insignificance. It was the warp that had taught him this. It was the warp that had given him his power. And now his desecrated mind could not believe what his eyes where showing him. The ship was firing, he blinked, once, twice. He had struck a pact, he did not expect this from a mere mortal like Tarsus. He bellowed in frustration and smashed the nearest slave to the floor, blood pooling around its wound. It was dead in seconds. He had waited for hundreds of years for this. To strike back against the chapter that had exiled him. And now he was denied it.
“Retreat” He said in a low dangerous voice. Instantly they began to pull back, into warp once again, to wait for the moment to strike.
“Wait” Stated Brauntus' second in command.
“Do not trifle with me worm!” Brauntus bellowed. “We are retreating! We cannot afford to lose this ship!”
“We won't, I say we hurt the Templars a little. Send some troops down.”
Brauntus stood for a little, then gave an order. A smug grin spreading over what was left of his face. The ship began to shudder. Objects falling towards the planet below.
It is to late
It is to late
“What is Pysker?”
It is to late
“For the Emperors sake Pysker!” bellowed Jonas.
Jonas spun around and ran from the tent. Outside the air was filled with happy cheers and laughter of a thousand men. But in the sky... Black dots fell from the sky and descended upon Primvan IV as they got closer Jonas recognized them. They were drop pods.
“We're under attack!” Jonas shouted at the soldiers. They stared at him in bewilderment. “In the sky!”
They looked up and saw the drop pods. Jonas logic engine in his armour told him ten seconds till impact. The world seemed to go into slow motion as he drew his Crozuis. His bolt pistol came next. Five seconds. He placed his helm upon his head and instantly heard the chatter of his squad mates, they were converging on his position. Three seconds. The imperial guard began to draw their weapons. One second. The world exploded as a drop pod landed on a camp fire near Jonas. Men were ripped to shreds as the landing mechanisms exploded and bolter fire emerged from within. Jonas charged.
“Kill the mutant! Burn the heretic! Cleanse the unclean!” His squad shouted in complete unison.
Techmarine Tarsus could not believe his luck. Brauntus had had to retreat. His masters plan had failed, just because of the meddling of a mere mortal. His bridge shouted reports at him as the ship retreated into orbit, but he didn't hear a word of what they were saying. He had failed.
World Eaters emerged from the drop pod, they armour already covered in gore. Hundreds of las bolts struck their armour but they were a unstoppable force. Cleaving through the Imperial Guard with a brutal efficiency that lacked any kind of grace. Jonas came behind one of these, the sergeant by the looks of him, he was slightly taller than the rest and had more mutations than his comrades. Jonas swung his Crozuis in a blazing arc which sliced the warriors head from his shoulders in one clean movement. This alerted the Chaos Space Marines to their presence, and instantly they were consumed in a desperate melee. One of Jonas' squad members was born down by a heavy bolter but this did not reduce his melee skills. Quite the opposite. He swung his heavy Bolter in huge arcs smashing the enemy to the ground. They were then finished of by quite bursts of bolter fire from the others. The guard around them cheered at the Chaos Marines defeat, but Jonas' had seen more pods. Many more. They set off at a fast pace, running through the alleys formed by tents. Groups of Guardsman began to follow them. And soon they had roughly fifty armed Guardsman following. They arrived at a scene of carnage. Dead bodies were strewn everywhere, and amidst them stood ten tall marines. They had chainswords in hand, and shields strapped to their forearms. Behind them stood the rest of the Chaos attack group. Seventy Chaos marines with bolters and heavy bolters in hand. The Imperial Guard behind Jonas cowered. Jonas himself stood at the front of the group.
“Five each?” he stated calmly as he began his charge.
His men fanned out around him their gun muzzles blazing. Chaos marines were cut down in swathes. Fifty left. Bullets fanned out at the space marines, carving through the Guard behind them. Two space marine fell in the first barrage. As the Chaos marines were reloading the Guard began to fire, their massed lasgun fire shooting down two marines. The next volley came from Jonas' group and cut down several more marines. Within ten seconds the space marines had closed the gap and chainswords blared and power weapons hummed. In a mere second they exploded into a violent melee. Chainswords cut through ceramite and Jonas' Crozuis sliced through tainted armour like butter. More men fell in the bloody conflict that followed and more and more red lights flickered up on Jonas' helmet. Finally the last heretic fell. His armour clanging against the floor accompanied by the shouts and cheers of Imperial Guard. Three men remained in Jonas' squad. He scanned the dead bodies for the champions but they were nowhere to be seen. He heard footsteps behind one of the tents. He set of past his celebrating space marines, as he burst through the back of the tent he saw the four figures of champions disappear round the corner. He didn't stop to think that there was ten to begin with. Instead he continued to follow them. As he came round the corner he realised his error but it was to late. Champions emerged from the tents around him. Their chainswords buzzing. He looked around. He smiled. He licked his lips.
“Ladies” He nodded. Then the chainswords flared at him in streaking past his helm as he ducked under their lethal arc. He spun out and delivered a fatal blow to the armour of one, which simply bounced from the tainted armour, he avoided the blow from the elbow that came next and ducked under the champions guard. This time he went for a weaker spot. The gorget. The punched upwards smashing the Marines throat. He slumped to his knees gurgling obscene curses. He spun around to avoid the blow of yet another champion. He once again delivered a blow to the gorget, this time with his Crozuis. The space marine brought his shield up to block the blow but the Crozuis continued on through the shield and his arm to cleanly slice off his head. Two champions came at him at once. He ducked below them and smashed the helmet of one into the head of another with his free hand. The bare headed sergeant's head turned to mush under the contact. Jonas proceeded to slice the legs from under the other while his visor was obscured. He plunged the Crozuis into his chest. He looked up to see the six remaining champions. They calmly walked towards him, their shields now humming with a strange glow. One of the champions had a psychic hood.
“You die first witch!” The Black Templar shouted. He charged towards the remainder, he sliced up at one, decapitating him. He elbowed one in the face. Spun and head butted one in the face. Then brought his Crozuis up at the hulking Pysker. His Crozuis was met by one of the other champions. Who dropped dead. Now there was just the Pysker and the last champion. He quickly and easily cut down the last, and stood to face the Pysker.
“You did not kill me first” The Pysker stated.
“Unfortunate. I leave the easiest kills till the end!” A flash of lightening suddenly absorbed Jonas and flung him from his feet. He jumped back up and lunged at the Champion, he easily dodged away and spun about to counter. Jonas blocked, putting the Pysker of balance. He took the opportunity and smashed his fist into the Pysker's face breaking his nose and staggering him. Another fiery burst Sprouted from the Sorcerers hand throwing Jonas a few feet away, he staggered backwards but managed to block the Pysker's follow up. He roundhouse kicked the Pysker from his feet. Which dazed him,and gave Jonas the few precious seconds he needed. Jonas brought his Crozuis over in a blow of extreme strength. It slammed the Pysker from his feet but only dented his armour. He jumped onto the Champions breastplate pinning him to the ground. He repeatedly slashed at the Pysker's face until it was a mush of blood and gore on the muddy ground. When Jonas was sure the Champion was dead he stood and began to limp back to his squad mates.
Tarsus sat with his head in his hands, completely bewildered. His crew members giving him odd looks but he did not care. He could not redeem himself now. They would come for him, and they would kill him. Unless he killed them first. Yes, he thought. Unless I kill them first.
“Follow that ship.” Tarsus commanded.
“Sir, we have troops on the surface.”
Sir, yes, sir!” The bridge echoed.
The ship juddered and the space in front of them began to fluctuate and collapse in upon itself. Lightening crashed around the ship as they slid slowly between the rip in space and time into the Empyrean.
Jonas arrived back at the camp just as he soldiers started to realise he was gone.
“Where were you brother-redemptor?”
“The veterans” He panted.
The other space marines shifted uncomfortably as they muttered their apologies. Jonas joined a channel to His Will but could only hear dead air. He cursed his luck and smashed his boot into the floor making a large imprint in the blood soaked mud.
“What is wrong Chaplain?”
“It's His Will. They left” He spoke to the assembled crowd.
The imperial guard looked shocked and worried so the Chaplain switched to the space marines private channel before saying what they were to do.
Once again Jonas was in the smoke wreathed tent, he had just stepped through the bodies of Chaos space marines at the entrance. And now his blood soaked boots slipped on the perfect floor of the Pysker's tent.
You came back.
“Yes. I require something of you Pysker.”
Of course. Why else would you be here?
“I need you to send a message to His Will. Its important.”
I have already sent it Templar. I saw your message yesterday, or was it tomorrow?
“Shut up Pysker your blasphemy confuses me.” Jonas said abruptly.
He stepped from the tent to rejoin his men, outside he saw their transport. A small flight craft, albeit a fast one capable of warp travel. In this case small was one mile in length, the modified stormbird was used by the Imperial Legion that had accompanied them here. It was used for boarding missions in warp, and in this case catching up with runaway ships. They boarded the ship as the gangplank closed. They made their way down the main corridor towards the command bridge. They were taking one hundred Guardsman with them to the ship which was undoubtedly following the traitor ship. His Will was probably now in warp space so they had to hurry. The modified stormbird took off leaving the war torn planet below them. They could see fires raging across its surface from the many fire fights that commenced between the rebels and loyalists. Jonas sighed as they exited the planets atmosphere and he could no longer see anything recognizable through the view port.
“Come on chaplain, we must hurry to the bridge.” Jonas followed his space marines once more. They arrived on the bridge to the quiet hum of machinery and the beeps of surveyors. The command throne was empty and Chaplain Jonas sank into it with relief. Even a space marine could wear out sometimes. As they entered warp space ten minutes after His Will and the traitor ship Jonas allowed himself to relax.
The Empyrean was a whirling mass of raw energy and strong emotions, lightening flashed repeatedly across its large landscape. The whole place was red and raw like a fresh wound. Debris was strewn across it and as Brauntus gazed out he realised what true madness it was. Nothing but death and hate could exist here, and he loved it. Strange creatures were littered all over the wide area feasting upon thousands upon thousands of lost souls. At a glance they were simple black masses but if you concentrated upon them you saw a wide variety of human features such as eyes mouths and constantly twisting faces. He was content here. Lord Brauntus was safe. He was in his domain, and could call upon the warp spawn to protect his ship if the imperial fools tried to follow him. They didn't have a hope of catching him now.
“Great Lord Brauntus the ship His Will is close behind us.”
“Fools” Lord Brauntus said mockingly. “ Unleash the Warp spawn. They will feast upon their souls.” A screeching echoed across the warp as Lord Brauntus' summons were met.
“What in the name of the Machine god was that?!” A tech adept of His Will cried out.
“Warp spawn” Stated Tarsus calmly. “Battle stations, all power to geller fields.”
Geller fields were shields that protected ships against the warp and its vile spawn, it could fend off most attacks but not all, the ship rumbled as the geller fields took power from crew quarters and gun decks and the bells began to ring. All men to battle stations they stated. And all heeded their call for they knew what was happening. They were under attack.
The stormbird emerged into the empyrean and a clock began to click down. They had two minutes till the basic geller fields failed, they must reach His Will soon or madness would erupt into the ship killing its occupants. Luckily for them they could see the ship they wanted right in front of them. A thirty second flight away, but unluckily for them they could also see another ship. And thousands of warp spawn heading towards them.
“Emergency thrusters! We must reach the ship!” Jonas demanded.
Servitors began to stream around pouring out statements in binary codes which were lost on the space marines. They ship thundered with noise as the thrusters were engaged and the stormbird sped forward. Ten seconds till they could enter His Wills geller fields.
“Lord Admiral, small vessel is approaching us from behind.”
“It's one of the modified storm birds from the guard legion my lord.” the communications officer replied.
“Jonas, I knew he would come after us.” Tarsus smiled.
The stormbird was only five seconds away. The warp spawn were closing and the Chaos ship was escaping.
“Track that ship” Tarsus demanded.
Now Tarsus would know where the chaos ship emerged from warp. They could follow the ship and attack when they were out of warp.
“Docking” a tinny voice emitted from a speaker declared.
Chaplain Jonas and his nine remaining marines stepped from the stormbird. Their boots clanged on the walkway as they cast their eyes down upon the working crew in the dock. They had made it, they were in His Will. And they were now safe from the warp, or so they thought. Maintenance servitors hurried to refuel the stormbird and recharge her geller fields. They stepped amongst these as they headed to the bridge. The ship was shaking horrifically. Jonas opened a channel to the bridge.
“This is brother-redemptor Jonas, what is our status?”
“Geller fields are failing admiral!” a adept shouted.
“Jonas!” The admiral said in relief. “Our geller fields are failing at we have warp spawn swarming over the ship.”
“A summer stroll then, eh admiral?” A member of Jonas' squad laughed.
“Jonas get your squad to the coordinates I sent you on hangar bay six floor twenty seven.” Tarsus said, ignoring the comment.
“We just came from there, heading back.” Jonas calmly replied. “What would you have us do?”
“The geller fields have partly failed and spawn are getting in, I need you to raise it again with the hangar controls.” Tarsus said quickly before switching the channel off.
Jonas charged back down the corridors drawing his weapons once again. As they emerged into the hangar bay they saw their problem. Bodies hung in mid air as open space ruled and the empyrean leaked into the ship. Warp beasts swam through the air devouring soldiers bodies and generally destroying everything in their path. The blast doors around the hangar clanged shut sealing all but one space marine and Jonas outside. Jonas immediately saw why the blast doors at the end of the hangar weren't closing. The stormbird was wedged in the gap, slowly being crushed by the hydraulic doors. But Jonas saw it would not be fast enough, too much of the warp would get in by the time the doors managed to close, and the ship would be doomed. Jonas and the remaining marine charged forward readying melta charges, unfortunately they hadn't taken into account the no gravity situation and began to spiral off towards the spawn beasts. Jonas carefully kept his eyes averted from the warp outside for to see it would surely turn him insane in a instant. The beasts swam towards them, their teethed maws stretched wide ready to devour the marines. Jonas spun and managed to gain footing, his training coming into immediate effect. He walked long striding steps towards the beasts and the stormbird, looking towards the floor. The other marine landed also and gained footing. His bolter began to bark of precise shots but they simply floated to a stop in front of the beasts. Jonas swung his Crozuis and sliced one in half as a bolt shell found its mark, they had slain two beasts but there were many more to come. Jonas fell back in front of his squad mate, crouched in front ready to defend him in melee. He drew his pistol and fired of head shots killing several of the closer beasts, however their weapons range and strength was greatly reduced and lacked the efficiency to kill all the spawn. They had ten minutes till the air in their packs ran out. So they began to press forward once again, firing precise shots and cutting swathes through the hundreds of beasts, but it was not enough. There were simply too many. They had to close the door and raise the geller fields again. They were too far away to throw the melta bombs. Then Jonas spotted some highly flammable fuelling tanks. He smiled. He signalled for cover as he rushed to the tanks and began to roll them towards the stormbird. They thudded against the metal hull of the ship. No sound reached Jonas' ears and it unnerved him. Finally there was a significant stack of tanks in front of the stormbird, Jonas lined up his shot and fired. But one of the beasts got in the way. He shrugged. Fired again. Another of the beasts got in the way. They were covering the tanks, just as a large monstrous creature began to swim towards the hangar bay doors. Jonas cursed and began to lob melta bombs and grenades with all his might at the beasts, some bounced off and required throwing back again but most found their mark blasting through the creatures, and the marines shots finally penetrated the swarm. A massive concussive blast shook the hangar blowing Jonas and the marine back, Jonas climbed to his feet. Only to see the remaining beasts converging on his comrade, he killed many but it was simply not enough. The beasts consumed him, the marine fought on stubbornly despite the fact he was being eaten by monstrous warp creatures. Not a single word escaped his lips as he fought and killed the beasts. Jonas stepped in with his Crozuis and sliced the creatures apart, eventually there was none left. He turned to the doors to see them closing. They were burnt and blackened but they would hold. Unlike his comrade. His legs were stripped to the bone and his bodily fluids leaked into space. He slumped against a railing, no longer able to support himself. Jonas hearing came back in a rush and he heard his comrade shouting at him to enable the geller field. The blast doors began to open as Jonas gathered him up. Tech priests rushed in and enabled the geller fields once more. Jonas rushed his injured comrade from the hangar bay. An apothecary greeted him and took his comrades from his arms. The apothecary ensured Jonas that his comrade would be fine. Jonas' vision was greyed and he felt ill from he contact with the warp. He began to stagger to the bridge, listening to the radio traffic as he went.
Tarsus was surprised to find that the warp beasts were retreating, but soon realised why. The Chaos ship was gone. He began to order his crew to follow the ship out of warp and to set all gunnery stations back on-line and to prepare the Black Templars for boarding operations. Servitors bustled around the bridge bursting binary code every few seconds and giving The Tech Marine reports on the ships integrity. Tarsus waved them off and used his data slate to take reports from commanders aboard the ship. And of course from Jonas. Jonas had finished his mission several minutes ago and had saved the entire ship with his bravery. Men were cheering him in the corridors and soldiers offering their thanks and asking for his blessing. He was weak after his encounter with the warp but wanted a duty. Something he could do to help. Tarsus had been polite and given him a simple non-tasking job. He was to patrol the corridors and keep the moral of the men up while they worked. He chanted prayers and psalms for the dead and generally lifted the crews spirits. Tarsus was impressed with Jonas, he was a good warrior. He just wished he was like him, but he wasn't. He was a traitor. No, he told himself. You were a traitor, now you redeem yourself! He sighed and slumped in the throne as Jonas entered.
“Admiral” he bowed.
“Please, Please I am not worthy.” The tech marine sighed.
“What is wrong admiral?”
“Nothing Jonas, just... just forget it.” Tarsus sagged into his chair even more.
Jonas walked over the bridge to stand next to Tarsus, watching through the view screen as they emerged into real space. The shutters slowly raised. And finally they could see unpolluted space once more. Before them was a planet, a forge world. Tarsus had scheduled a resupply here before they headed to the location the Chaos ship had exited warp at. It was by a known Chaos fortress world so he suspected them to stay and resupply also. After all they had been on a crusade, a crusade of destruction. And they didn't plan on stopping.
I hope its ok... :D
oh yeah, please point out any typos guys! (my spellchecker is AWFUL)