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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-03-09, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Default Untitled story

ok havn't got a title for it yet and this is only the first chapter (incomplete), i had 5 complete chapters but then my external Hard drive lost power during a LAN party and i lost it all except for this which was on my laptop hard drive, please critise it as much and as hard as you can, just let rip, it helps me make a better story.

Chapter 1: A Forced Landing

He clenched his eyes… and he prayed, for the first time in his life he prayed. Silence... “By the emperor, help me” he whispered, a thunderous explosion threw him to the ground. He lay there eyes shut, to stunned to move. “Johnson” came a faint voice, “father, is that you?” “Johnson, get up” came the voice again, stronger than before, “I can’t, I don’t want to die” he cried, “private Johnson you will get up now and fire your weapon at the enemy before I use your pathetic body as target practice” the voice boomed. His eyes bolted open to reveal a battle scarred old officer, clad in a wool and fur cloak, wielding a hefty chainsword and short laspistol. He remembered this officer from his first day of training at home on Cadia, where he had shot a new recruit for not obey orders in a live fire drill, commissar Gryslov he remembered now, one of the heroes of the Armageddon campaign. "Get up and fight" Gryslov roared as he hurled Johnson towards the frontline. Johnson ran, bullets whizzing past his head, and shells exploding nearby showering him with dirt. A shell landed right in front of him, throwing him once again off his feet, and bathing him in mud, and blood", he looked at his uniform, it was covered in blood. Frantically he grabbed at his clothes looking for holes, bullets, shrapnel marks, where did all this blood come from. Rough hands grabbed him again and hauled him upright, it was the commissar again “its not your blood now come on, do you want to be killed by the enemy or by me” before turning and running towards the frontlines, firing his pistol as he ran. He started to follow, but another hand grabbed his collar and held him back. “By the emperor, Sam Johnson, I haven’t seen you since basic training back on Cadia, what are the odds of us meeting here” Sam turned to see the first familiar face that day, “Cameron, thank the emperor that someone else from our company made it”. “INCOMING” a voice yelled and both soldiers dived behind a rock jutting out from the ground. A gigantic crash followed, and soon after it so did the cries of the men, “did anyone else make it?” yelled Sam, “none, most went down in the crash, and the lieutenant caught a round in his throat the minute he tried to get out, their bolters just tore through the men, I got out through a hole in the side”. “Come on we better get moving otherwise one the officers will put a bullet through us” yelled Sam, Before he leapt from behind the rock and bolted to the next piece of cover he could find followed closely by Cameron. After a good 5 minutes of running and diving for cover they finally reached the frontline, a 2 metre trench covered more with dead bodies than sandbags or other protection, they dived in just as the horizon in front of them turned orange and the earth shook with the announcement of more incoming enemy fire.


He made his way quickly to the podium, none of the soldiers on either side of him, moved an inch as he passed; ascending the stairs of the podium he turned to address them. “Brothers, the situation on the surface is dire, we have the 985Th Cadian guards in heavy conflict with the world eaters, they have managed to establish a small trench network and have so far managed to hold back the traitorous hordes”. Row upon row of heavily armoured figures stood silently to attention in front of him, giving the impression that he was talking to statues. He spoke quietly and quickly “The heretics have established a powerful position. The surface is dotted with anti-air positions; they also have numerous artillery and bombardment positions behind their lines. So our objectives are thus, 1st descend to the surface and neutralise the anti-air positions covering the drop zones and frontline. 2nd deploy the remaining forces and link up with the cadian 985th and prevent an enemy breakthrough of our lines. 3rd provide cover and support while our armoured divisions attack the flank of the enemy. The first wave will be of the first company, led by captain Ageman in the drop pods; all others will follow in the thunderhawks and landing vessels. Any questions?” There were none. “I will not lie to you, but you already know what lies ahead. Each and every one of you has breathed the fires of a thousand battles. We are the finest warriors in the imperium, 15,000 warriors gathered from 100 different chapters fighting under the same banner, for the same good” his voice changed, rising in volume and strength. “We are fighting, for the immortal Emperor, made in his image we shall follow his example and we shall defeat this curse, this evil that plagues us”. “Brothers, the Emperor has called upon you, his mighty space marines, to defeat his enemies and protect his people, will you answer that call” he shouted, as one the room in front of him responded “FOR THE EMPEROR”. They turned in perfect unison to face the isle in the middle of the room and began to march in their rank out the door to their places for the attack. “Another stirring speech Commander Dante, let us hope that the battle brothers carry that onto the battlefield this day”, “they will Captain Lysander, today they warriors of 100 chapters will drink the blood of their enemies and receive the highest honour from their chapter brothers. Come brother captain, the drop pods will soon be launching, and we must lead along side our brother Ageman”, "In the Emperor's Name Brother".
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-10-09, 02:31 PM
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Good story, mainly the scared guardsmen + rep for you sir.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-10-09, 06:37 PM
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I like it... But can you divide your works into paragraphs?... To make it easier for readers... And avoid redundancies: "“The heretics have established a powerful position. The surface is dotted with anti-air positions; they also have numerous artillery and bombardment positions behind their lines. So our objectives are thus, 1st descend to the surface and neutralise the anti-air positions covering the drop zones and frontline."... Other than that... Rep!... Hehe...
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-28-09, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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thanks guys, i havn't had a lot of time to work on my story lately due to work and my studies but i took a small break to incorporate your suggestions, soon i should have this chapter complete and a second underway
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-09-09, 02:57 AM Thread Starter
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this is still from chapter one, i am trying to create a lull in the battle for the space marines to drop into the battlefield proper and so it gives me a bit more time to develop the story from the guardsmen perspective.


“GET DOWN” yelled a voice, before the ground rocked like a thousand tanks were roaring across it. Massive explosions appeared all along the length of the guard trenches, throwing up enormous clouds of rock, dirt and bodies, both living and dead. A helmet landed at the feet of a new recruit and he bent down amid the chaos to pick it up, suddenly a heavy weight fell upon him and pinned him to the ground. “HELP, OH HELP ME, GOOD GOD, GET THIS OFF ME” he screamed hysterically before his plea’s were drowned out by the shrill whistling of an incoming round. The recruit’s torment was ended shortly after that, but by that time Cameron had stopped looking at the recruit and had dived behind a bend in the trench. He felt the explosion and after the dust had settled he looked back around the corner, he closed his eyes and sat down facing forwards, where he promptly vomited. All over the boots of the officer standing opposite him, “WHY YOU WORTHLESS” he shouted at Cameron before grabbing him by his collar and yanking him to his feet “YOU’LL PAY FOR SUCH DISRESPECT, YOU IGNORANT SCUM”. He released Cameron’s collar and pushed him back against the wall of the trench and drew his laspistol and aimed it at his head just as another explosion rocked the trench causing Cameron to lose his balance and fall to the ground.

He lay there until a pair of hand gripped him underneath the armpits and hauled him off the ground. He closed his eyes thinking that when he opened them again he would be staring down the barrel of the officer’s laspistol again. “Yo Cam, come on buddy, you all right”? his eyes opened to reveal not the officer and his gun but Sam instead, covered in dirt and the blood of others, last seen when they had dived into the trench together when the bombardment had began. “oh thank the emperor, I thought that the lieutenant was finish me off”, “well he wont be doing that anymore” Sam said, as he pointed to a body lying against the wall. “he musta caught some shrapnel of that last round, oh well one more off… oh shit” Sam grabbed Cameron’s shoulder and dived around the corner of the trench just as another shell exploded above them showering the area where they had just been standing with deadly shrapnel. “when are those damned space marines going to get down here” yelled a nearby soldier, “they better get here soon otherwise their gonna charge us and then we’ll be in real trouble” replied a heavily scarred officer “and we aren’t in trouble now?” asked Cameron “a little artillery fire never hurt anyone, this is the Cadian imperial guard son, we eat this shit for breakfast” the officer replied.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-14-09, 09:09 PM
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nice one mate. You need to sort out that lack of a title though, and watch out for typos and the repeat of words like waltz's example, theres a blood one in there somewhere though frankly i can't be bothered to qoute it ;D

Try a title on the lines of Imperial of Imperuim. maybe something to do with the main character?

i think you should proof read your last post, there was a few typos in there.

Otherwise i can't wait for the rest!

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"
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