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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-17-09, 01:16 AM Thread Starter
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Default The Brotherhood

Alright guys, i basically lost interest in my last story and couldnt be bothered to keep having to check the already existing fluff for 40k so am writing my own little Sci Fi Story which has nothing to do with warhammer at all. Your thoughts and comments please, btw you'll learn more of the fluff as the story goes on...

The Brotherhood Chronicles

Chapter 1
Join us or die

It had taken three weeks to reach the Verolian system, and a further week for the shuttle to slow down to orbital speed but the journey was finally over and he would soon meet the planetary ministers within the next couple of hours. The nerves however had kicked in and the mission briefings were still ringing around his head, “They must comply or they will be destroyed.”
It did not bode well on Kiavars mind but the Brotherhood was putting their plans into action, and no one was going to stop them. Stood waiting for the landing ramps to lower Kiavar was surrounded by a squad of Republican Guards, their black body plates and emotionless helmets made them look some what robotic and soulless, nevertheless they were human or human to some degree. The thought that the Senate believed Kiavar needed armed escorts to accompany him on this mission was rather humorous to him clearly showed they under estimated warriors from the Brotherhood.

As the ramp lowered Kiavar spotted the Prime minister of the planet Verolian Prime awaiting him from the far end of the landing platform accompanied by several other lesser ministers and aides. The landing platform was situated on the hundredth floor level of the Main Government Building of Nessar Dess the capital city of Verolian Prime. The city was quite a site Kiavar thought to himself, an entire continent of the planet had been turned into one big giant metropolis filled with giant factories, sky scrapers and sky bridges linking them together, the sky above them were filled with thousands of space shuttles and other forms of transport delivering goods, people and other stuff in and around the planet.

“Welcome Brother Kiavar!” said the Prime minister in a warm and friendly voice, a fake smile was on the portly mans round and rosy face. The other ministers and aides did not show the same welcome but merely kept their gazes either on the ground or to each other, the Republican Guards followed Kiavar silently in two files their semi automatic rifles clutched close to their chest. “Thankyou Minister,” said Kiavar through his heavy hooded black robe. The black hood basked Kiavars top portion of his face in shadow giving him a mysterious and sinister look.

How the minister managed to keep calm and composed was quite a surprise for Kiavar as any who met a warrior from the Brotherhood would immediately be scared. “Do you wish to relax first and have some refreshments before we discuss business?” the Prime Minister asked courteously with a smile.
Kiavar knew this was a some kind of plan to relax him or perhaps poison him before they began negotiations, but he was happy to go along with the Prime Ministers plan this was lull him into a sense of security and control a strategy used by the Brotherhood, to catch a fool is to play a fool.

Kiavar had dismissed his escorts and had them wait for him outside one of the Prime Ministers office suites, the room was very spacious with a good view of the central Plaza several hundred feet below. Kiavar sat upon a rather large and comfy black leather sofa, the Prime minister was sat in the opposite sofa, wine and other refreshments had been offered but Kiavar had only accepted water. The other ministers lingered about the room talking to one another or stood drinking their wine or other alcoholic beverages.

“Are you feeling relaxed?” asked the Prime minister trying to be sincere.
“Yes very…” Kiavar responded without any hint of emotion in his face or tone of voice, He had not taken his hood down maintaining his air of mystery but sipped on his plain glass of water.
The Prime minister looked somewhat annoyed or puzzled, Kiavar couldn’t tell which but the Prime Minister looked as if he was about to ask something but thought better of it.
“Anyway… to business I guess…” said the Prime Minister uncomfortably. With those words the whole room fell silent and everyone’s attention was focused on Kiavar.
Kiavar smiled, the only facial expression he allowed himself to bear throughout the whole meeting.
“Yes to business… you know you have to comply with the quota’s the Senate was drafted up,” said Kiavar bluntly.
The other ministers and aides looked somewhat shocked at Kiavars blunt and almost mocking words, the Prime Minister however still managed to keep composed.
“Yes the quota… that’s what we have a problem complying with…” said the Prime Minister not looking at Kiavar.
“Oh… and why is that?” asked Kiavar with curiosity in his tone although he knew why.
“We have a problem here on Verolian Prime because the Senate has no need for the Republican Army or Guard or what ever you call it,” replied the Prime Minister, his cheeks getting redder and small beads of sweat were trickling down his chubby face.
“Well the Senate believes they have a need and the Brotherhood agrees with it,” Kiavar said simply his eyes were locked with the Prime Minister even though he could not see Kiavars eyes he could feel them piercing his very soul.
“I have to disagree, Brother Kiavar… We believe only a few want the Republican Guard the others do not agree and are simply scared of saying otherwise.”
“Nonsense Prime Minister,” said Kiavar trying to sound reassuring. If a large portion of the Senate disagreed with the proposals they would say… that is what the senate is for and that was what the Republic was founded upon.
The Prime Minister shook his head, his fat chubby cheeks wobbling. “Im sorry Brother Kiavar but we disagree! The Senate is turning into a dictatorship and Senator Macharius and his cronies are leading the Senate that way! You and your brotherhood have to see it that way!”
“Why do we have to see it that way?” asked Kiavar, the Prime Minister looked terror struck as Kiavar stood up and paced around the room, circling Ministers and their aides. “Because!” the Prime Minister blurted out.
“You will meet our quota minister…” cut in Kiavar, “Or!”
“Or what?!” the Prime Minister tried to say defiantly although a tone of fear was in his voice.
Kiavar put his right hand upon his sword which was hung loosely on his hip, an action which everyone within the room noticed, “Look Ministers, you don’t want to test the wrath of the Brotherhood… do you?” asked Kiavar with a small smirk.
“We will not comply with the Senates demands!” said one of the ministers angrily.
Kiavar did not speak but flicked a hand in the direction of the Minister and the man immediately flung backwards into the air and hit the reinforced glass wall as if some powerful and invisible force had thrown him. The man lay unconscious on the floor the back of his head bleeding from the sheer force of impact, the others within the room looked terrified.

“So it has come to this, where the Brotherhood do Macharius’s dirty work?!” asked the Prime Minister with a tone of dismay.
“No Minister…” replied Kiavar, “the Brotherhood does this work to ensure the protection of the Republic,” with that three ministerial aides fall to the floor clutching their throats as if being choked, wriggling and writhing madly on the floor.

“Alright!” The Prime Minister begged, “We’ll meet your damn quota! We will send three hundred thousand young men and women to join the Republican Guard!”

Kiavar smiled and the three aides stopped writhing on the floor and took heavy gasps of air. “You better meet the quota Minister or I will personally be coming back here with more of my brothers…” and with that Kiavar walked out of the room and left the planet with his escorts.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-17-09, 04:25 AM
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Its a very good story so far. I'm impressed! As i read it, it had the feeling of Star Wars to it. they way you described it made me feel like i was in one of the high perched, heavy glass windowed, penthouses of Coruscant. With Kaivar being a Jedi knight! lol It made me smile. Sort of Sith-ish! haha.

Anyways, i would like to point out a few things that i noticed needed work on. First of all is the lack of punctuation in your sentences. Most of your sentences tend to run on a little bit, they are very long. I would suggest putting in some commas to represent natural pauses in your sentences. When i read it, i kind of tripped up on a few of the words because there was no natural pause in the sentence. My eyes never got the go ahead to slow down and digest what i had just read. here is an example:

The thought that the Senate believed Kiavar needed armed escorts to accompany him on this mission was rather humorous to him clearly showed they under estimated warriors from the Brotherhood.
that is a very long sentence. Here is what i would suggest you do to smooth it out somewhat:

The thought that the Senate believed he needed an armed escort on this mission was rather humorous. It was blatantly obvious the Senate underestimated warriors from the Brotherhood.
I changed the structure around a little bit and split it into two sentences. You say "The thought that the Senate believed Kiavar needed armed escorts to accompany him on this mission was rather humorous..." Using the words "armed escorts" and "accompany" is redundant. Saying "armed escort" already implies that he is being "accompanied." Also, you use the name "Kiavar" a lot during the story. Instead of using the proper noun (his name) all the time, try mixing it up with some pronouns as i did above with my example. "The thought that the Senate believed he needed an armed escort..." is sometimes better than using Kiavar over and over.

Another thing i would like to mention, is that you may want to add more specific sensory detail. It never hurts to describe the surroundings of the room from the point of view of your character. Since it seems to me that Kiavar is a very observant and sly person (very powerful as well), you may want to make sure that you describe his surroundings better. It really gives the impression that the character is very well trained and keen to everything around him, and nothing is beyond his consciousness. He is aware of everyone and everything. Adds to the mysterious nature of your character, I'd say.

Otherwise your story was quite entertaining. i like the whole "force push" thing Kiavar did to that minister. And the Vader "choke," that was sweet.

keep up the good work and i can't wait to read more!

Commissar Ploss

+rep for the great story idea! Something different from 40k for once around here. lol

The Founding Fields

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-17-09, 06:03 AM
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Aww... Why'd you stop it?... I'm fairly disappointed... But anyway I like the story...

“Alright!” The Prime Minister begged, “We’ll meet your damn quota! We will send three hundred thousand young men and women to join the Republican Guard!”
Only three hundred thousand?... At least you could have pushed it to a million or higher...
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-18-09, 08:31 PM
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very cool, nice change of pace around here. looking forward to chapter two.

One thing you can say for enemies; they make life more interesting.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-19-09, 10:32 PM
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Very interesting setting, Custode! I'm glad that 40k and Fantasy are not the only works of fiction people are writing here. Overall, the story got me thoroughly intrigued. As the Commissar said, it had a Star Wars-ish feel to it, but still had in my mind enough originality to make me think outside the box. Great job!
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-22-09, 01:48 AM Thread Starter
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Thankyou guys for your comments and thankyou Commisar, i realised i used Kiavars name alot and have tried to cut down on using it in this next extract lol. But yeah any comments or advice is welcomed i just want to improve my story telling.

Anyway heres goes:

================================================== ========
Meanwhile on Baal Secundus Brother Cyrus was sat in a rather large and stately room awaiting the arrival of Prince Jahal of the Meridian Trading Corps. The room was fairly mild in temperature considering the desert like terrain outside the Palace, colourful large silk drapes hung from the white ceiling adding colour to an almost white theme that ran throughout. After several quiet minutes Prince Jahal arrived with a retinue of bodyguards, he was dressed in an all white Indian Maharajah style clothes, which accentuated his dark skin.

Brother Cyrus made to stand in respect of the Prince entering but the Prince merely waved a hand for him to relax and sit.
“So what can the Meridian Trading Crops do for the Brotherhood of Amadis? The Prince asked pouring wine for himself and his guest.
“Please forgive my rather blunt words, for I am no diplomat,” Cyrus said.
“You are a warrior. I understand,” cut in the Prince.
Cyrus made a curt smile and continued; “Tensions are brewing in the South of the Galaxy, the Brotherhood and the Senate need to know who we can trust…”

“By that you mean the Brotherhood…” the Prince said with a sly smile.
Cyrus returned the smile, “You understand the politics involved I presume...”

“Of course, the Meridian Trading Corps has not lasted this long by being naïve to the politics of the Senate.”

“Then you understand, that the Senate is divided and the Claudian Royal House is carving a giant Empire for themselves…”

“And that is a problem for me, because?” asked the Prince although he clearly knew the answer for himself.

“They are an Oligarchy, which means they hold all the power and the wealth…” said Cyrus with a raised eyebrow.

“And what does the Brotherhood plan?” asked the Prince curiously.

“We are building a massive Army to combat the Claudian Royal House.”
“Which the Brotherhood will lead?” said the Prince with a sneer.

The comment was made to bait Cyrus into anger, but he knew this and kept his choler under check,

“We are the only ones who have the skill to lead this war…” Cyrus said simply “You will join us one way or another.” With that he stood up and made to walk out the door.

“I’d like to see you try…” the Prince called out with a smirk on his face.

Cyrus did not turn to look back but continued to walk out saying, “I shall return in three months, we shall see who kneels then.”

Many believe the Brotherhood to be a strong faction within the galaxy, but none truly knew or understood the power one warrior has, let alone an entire contingent. The Brotherhood was borne through bloodshed and war, a millennia ago the planet Amadis was rife with many warring Factions, the constant wars ensured only the strongest and wise stayed alive. One Faction however took their training to another level, instead of concentrating on just skill with sword or pistol. Their warriors trained their minds and opened up to the raw energies that flow throughout the universe, this untapped power would become their very weapon to use against anyone and everyone. This knowledge however ripped that particular faction apart with almost limitless powers each warrior turned on one another, the death rates were catastrophic which ended up ripping the planet apart, only a select few who stayed together survived. They then later became the Brotherhood, guarding their secret knowledge and focusing on dominating the Galaxy.

Blood Pacts and Treachery

The Lord Marshall Alezander Haji sat in the centre of the giant cavern, illuminated only by the hundreds of candles dotted about the place, deep in thought and meditation.

“It is done…” said a whispery voice that seemed to resonate around the entire cavern.
The Lord Marshall did not open his eyes, but a sinister smile was upon his hooded face.
“Then let us rejoice, for our time to rule will soon be upon us…” he said as he stood up and turned to one of the many arch ways leading out of the cavern.

A figure emerged out of the archway hooded and robed like the Lord Marshal, though they kept his arms crossed and hands inside opposite sleeves, only the bottom part of their face revealed to the candle light. What was so strange about this figure was that they seemed to glide across the floor silently to stand in front of the towering Lord Marshal.

“You wish to perform the blood pact now?” asked the figure in the same whispery voice.
“I do,” said the Lord Marshal his eyes wide open staring intently into the figures hooded face.
With that the figure drew out a small silvery blade from their sleeve and cut a deep line through their soft small palms and handed the blade to the Lord Marshall. He did the same and joined his large bloodied hand to the figures small woman like hands.

“Do you Lord Marshal Alezander Haji promise to deliver the five other Lord Marshals to the Witch Sisters of Cavader?” asked the whispery voiced figure.

“I do, and do you Witch Sister Leilani promise to give me the Book of Korphis?” asked the Lord Marshal.

“I do… and through this blood pact our oaths be committed or else death takes us,” said Sister Leilani, with that she removed her hood revealing a young and beautiful face with silvery hair and deep glistening pale blue eyes. Such was the beauty of this witch the Lord Marshal stood staring, after several moments they opened up and embraced like lovers.

Meanwhile Kiavar was stood waiting by the bar of a busy Tavern in one of the outpost towns of the Planet Tajuun. He looked completely out of place with his pale white skin and raven black hair, dressed in his usual black robes. The locals of the outpost town called Jumba were of dark skin, the men had thick black beards and wore loose light coloured clothes similar to the Arabians of Ancient Terra.

The looks from the locals did not go unnoticed, he however chose to dismiss them and continued to scan the Tavern. Any thought of danger was ludicrous, they would not dare touch one of the Brotherhood he thought to himself.
The Brotherhood had earned themselves a strong reputation within the local systems, they were well known for executing an entire Tavern for minor insults, this reputation however had earned them the attention of the Senate who wished to hire their rather brutal methods.

A shiver ran up his back and he smiled. Turning round he saw a black hooded figure standing in the doorway of the Tavern staring straight at him, though he could not see his eyes he knew who it was by his smile. The figure had a cocky and arrogant swagger about him as he approached.

“Long time no see Brotherr…”

Kiavar chuckled lightly, “good to see you too Cyrus.”

Cyrus took down his hood revealing his tanned and chiselled face, his dark hair was shaved closely to his scalp and he had a light shadowy beard. The two figures looked completely different to one another, where Cyrus was a tanned and rugged handsome looking man and looked to be in his early thirties. Kiavar resembled something of a young dashing vampire, clean shaven and soft yet sinister features, his dark eyes were what gave that effect.

“What news do you bring brother?” continued Kiavar.

“Well rumour has it, the Lord Marshals will be meeting up within a month,” responded Cyrus.
Kiavar looked shocked, “Why so soon Brother?”
Cyrus shrugged, “No idea, perhaps planning on the next phase of conquest…”

The Lord Marshals are the six most powerful warriors still alive within the Brotherhood of Amadis, they are what you may call leaders, and they are individually well respected throughout and guide the Brotherhood in its path to domination. Only when a Lord Marshal dies can another take his place, through sparring matches can this be achieved. The respect will tend to come from the lesser powerful Brothers, than from their fellow Lord Marshals as each has acquired a level of power to inflate their already large egos. As with most humans, two people let alone six will not be able to stand each others egos for too long, so meetings are usually held once every year or so to see how the Brotherhood has progressed. Each Lord Marshal will tend to watch over perhaps ten to twenty Knights, lesser warriors within the Brotherhood. The command of the fast expanding Republican Guard adds to their power base.

To be conitnued...
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-23-09, 03:09 AM
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Great part Custode! This setting is really cool, and sort of a mix of 40k, Dune, and Star Wars. Excellent job!
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