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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-09, 02:11 AM Thread Starter
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Default The Emperor's Chosen

This is continuing on from a setting in my other posted short story which can be found here:https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...711#post450711
Feel free to criticize or leave comments.

The sky was ablaze over the war-torn battlefield of the Cyran Plains on Reghaard V. The screams of the dying creating a morbid symphony that filled the air, while the ground was lit by the flashes of gunfire. The once grassy field was now covered with the bodies of the heroes of the Imperium. With a boom a mortar shell landed within meters of Brother-Captain Rorak of the Harbingers of War chapter and the remains of his once proud 2nd company.

“Captain, we must evacuate the battlefield now before we are trapped by the traitors!” said Brother Isael.

“No! We are the Harbingers of War! We never retreat and we shall defend this spot till we breathe our last. The blood of Dorn flows through our veins and we shall uphold his honor with our lives. Any of you who so dare, may make for the base camp, but you go knowing that you disgrace the Primarch and yourselves.”

His fellow Harbingers began to bristle at the thought of dishonoring the Progenitor.

“We stand upon the threshold of death, but we will die with honor, knowing that we are taking the enemies of Mankind to the grave as well. We shall be remembered by our chapter for ages, for the bravery shown in the face of certain defeat. They try to cow us, make us flee before them; but they shall never succeed. For we are the Emperor’s chosen and we shall know no fear! I ask for men to follow me to the abyss, are you with me!”

In unison the gathered Marines shouted “Yes!”

The traitors began to converge upon their position.

“Onwards Marines, for the glory of the Imperium. For the Emperor!”

Like a tidal wave the Emperor’s chosen crashed amongst the traitors, tearing through them with no regards for their lives. Rorak spearheaded the assault slashing left and right with his power sword, severing limbs and torsos in a frenzy. He gazed upon his next target and quickly lunged upon the Chaos Marine. He deftly parried a blow aimed at his head, knocking aside the Word Bearer’s chainsword. Before his weapon could be brought to bear, Rorak severed the traitors hand while catching the falling weapon in one fluid motion. Blood began to pulse out of the stump, strands of gore hanging down flapping in the slight breeze that blew across the plains. Frozen with shock his foe didn’t even notice as Rorak’s blades flew toward his neck.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a Chaos Marine in the back of the Word Bearers squadrons, with a helm carved into the form of a daemonic face with gems represent its eyes. Minuscule strands of lightning arced around his bared hands, which were covered in ritual scars.
“Die Sorcerer!” screamed Rorak as he bounded swiftly across the ground. With a sneer the traitor raised his hand and an arc of lightning shot forth into the chest of the brave Captain. He grunted in pain as warning signals appeared all across his retina, the systems in his armor close to overloading. He began to slow as the damage took its toll. Again and again the lightning burst forth from the hands of the Word Bearer yet despite wounds that would have killed a normal man one hundred times over, Rorak continued to stalk toward his prey. Eventually the systems in his armor failed, and he forged onward fuelled by nothing but his faith in the Emperor. With one last desperate leap he stabbed his power sword into the breast of the gaping sorcerer.
He began to slump to his knees, the wounds the traitor had inflicted slowly draining away his life. As his eyes started to close he took one last look upon his Marines as they fought and died. Even though they had been defeated he had never felt more triumphant. They were dying, yet they died as befitted the Emperor’s Chosen.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “The current system of servitude is barbaric and inadequate for today's generation. We appeal to the leaders of both the Imperium and the Coalition of Hateful Assholes and Organised Sin to seek to change this for the betterment of all its citizens”

Lorgar: “Guess there was one plot thread we forgot to erase ...” Mortarion nods in agreement, while Ahriman looks on suspiciously.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “We feel trapped, we feel oppressed. And we urge our governments to release us from these metal boxes-”

Lorgar: “Oh shi-”

Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. “METAL BOXES?!?METAL BOXES!!!THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!!!”

-Labor Unions

All credit goes to Lastie on Warseer, for writing Primarchs (available in a 647 page Microsoft Word document)

Last edited by BloodAngelsfan; 08-06-09 at 06:02 AM.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-09, 05:07 AM
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I liked it very much though it was short... But still you manage to glue my eyes to the monitor whilst reading your work... Rep+... Expecting more of your work... P.S. Are there any tyhpos here?-"They were dying, yet the died as befitted the Emperor’s Chosen."
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-09, 05:15 AM Thread Starter
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lol, yeah, supposed to be they

EDITED

Also, just posted new portion of my first story.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “The current system of servitude is barbaric and inadequate for today's generation. We appeal to the leaders of both the Imperium and the Coalition of Hateful Assholes and Organised Sin to seek to change this for the betterment of all its citizens”

Lorgar: “Guess there was one plot thread we forgot to erase ...” Mortarion nods in agreement, while Ahriman looks on suspiciously.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “We feel trapped, we feel oppressed. And we urge our governments to release us from these metal boxes-”

Lorgar: “Oh shi-”

Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. “METAL BOXES?!?METAL BOXES!!!THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!!!”

-Labor Unions

All credit goes to Lastie on Warseer, for writing Primarchs (available in a 647 page Microsoft Word document)
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-09, 05:31 AM
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I like it. Simple and direct.

Some of the word choice is a little rough. Things like "With an uproarious boom a mortar shell landed..." Yes, uproarious is a word, but its one that will break the flow of the story since most people NEVER use it (except in reference to REALLY funny stuff).
"a helm carved into the form of a daemon with gems inlaid into sockets.." try keeping it simple, something like "a demonic helm with socketed gems..." Inlaid into sockets just doesn't roll off the tongue.
"strands of gore hanging down flapping lamely in the slight breeze..." Um...gross? But that's not a bad thing, considering the setting. However, the word "lamely" is not stellar in this setting. Maybe try something like "strands of gore shifting in the slight breeze...

There are a couple more spots like that where the word choice yanks the reader out of the great flow you have built up. Overall, I like it. I'd love to see it expanded.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-09, 05:59 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for the criticism, I will try to check the word choice in my next few stories. This is actually taking place at the same time as the other story i'm working on. Also just posted fluff for Harbingers of War in homebrew.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “The current system of servitude is barbaric and inadequate for today's generation. We appeal to the leaders of both the Imperium and the Coalition of Hateful Assholes and Organised Sin to seek to change this for the betterment of all its citizens”

Lorgar: “Guess there was one plot thread we forgot to erase ...” Mortarion nods in agreement, while Ahriman looks on suspiciously.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “We feel trapped, we feel oppressed. And we urge our governments to release us from these metal boxes-”

Lorgar: “Oh shi-”

Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. “METAL BOXES?!?METAL BOXES!!!THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!!!”

-Labor Unions

All credit goes to Lastie on Warseer, for writing Primarchs (available in a 647 page Microsoft Word document)
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-09, 01:17 AM Thread Starter
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Just posting to kind of bring this back from the dead.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “The current system of servitude is barbaric and inadequate for today's generation. We appeal to the leaders of both the Imperium and the Coalition of Hateful Assholes and Organised Sin to seek to change this for the betterment of all its citizens”

Lorgar: “Guess there was one plot thread we forgot to erase ...” Mortarion nods in agreement, while Ahriman looks on suspiciously.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “We feel trapped, we feel oppressed. And we urge our governments to release us from these metal boxes-”

Lorgar: “Oh shi-”

Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. “METAL BOXES?!?METAL BOXES!!!THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!!!”

-Labor Unions

All credit goes to Lastie on Warseer, for writing Primarchs (available in a 647 page Microsoft Word document)
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-09, 02:15 AM
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Thought it was pretty cool, I liked it, though the "are you with me" part was a little bit on the cheesy side,lol. It's all good though, hoping to see a continuation soon.

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-09, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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well, this is just a small thing that goes alongside the story I linked to in the first post

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “The current system of servitude is barbaric and inadequate for today's generation. We appeal to the leaders of both the Imperium and the Coalition of Hateful Assholes and Organised Sin to seek to change this for the betterment of all its citizens”

Lorgar: “Guess there was one plot thread we forgot to erase ...” Mortarion nods in agreement, while Ahriman looks on suspiciously.

Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough: “We feel trapped, we feel oppressed. And we urge our governments to release us from these metal boxes-”

Lorgar: “Oh shi-”

Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. “METAL BOXES?!?METAL BOXES!!!THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!!!”

-Labor Unions

All credit goes to Lastie on Warseer, for writing Primarchs (available in a 647 page Microsoft Word document)
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-09, 03:48 PM
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Yeah, I noticed just after I read this,lol. Already looking into it.

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
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