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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Default Glory to the foresighted

This is the beginning of a story about the II legion that I have created( If you want to know more the link to their fluff is in my sig). Any comments and tips on improving it would be appreciated. Also any suggestions on a different motto/warcry would be handy as I wanted to make something that really represents their background and think the one here is ok but could be better.

The rain poured down onto the figures standing at the window of the ruined building. Droplets pattered off their jet black armour and slid down their sodden blue cloaks. The first figure turned as the sound of hurrying footsteps were heard behind him, the hood to his cloak slipping down to reveal a glimpse of his rugged features, a smile forming on his lips. The new arrival approaching ground to a halt and saluted his fellow astarte with an aquila formed from his hands.

“What news from the forward lines sergeant?” the figure questioned “ have we engaged yet?”

The astarte met his gaze, “ the enemies forward scouts have been encountered and defeated as foreseen captain but the main force has not been sited yet”, he hesitated “ the captain wished to know if 10th company should move to the next engagement post ahead of schedule.

The captain was silent for a moment, before turning to his companion. This astarte was larger than his fellows, quite obviously wearing terminator armour, with the squad markings of a brother captain. He was standing head down in contemplation listening to the report but looked up as their gazes fell upon him.

“ Old friend, what is it that troubles you? he asked. “ Have these events not turned out as foreseen? ”

“ The preliminary engagements have done." the captain replied "but the enemy were estimated to make full contact 10 minutes ago.” Frustrated, the captain turned back to the window, peering out into the heavy rain, “ and we know our estimates origins should be flawless.”

Reaching for his helmet he activated the vox inside and put it on, 1st company captain ordering all companies to report contact status immediately“ he said, waiting for the answers to arrive. One by one the lights on his view screen lit up green for no contact, until the 4 companies stationed around the city had been accounted for.
Switching to a view of the area he searched for any breaches on trip wires or other hidden sensors, but this also gave no results. Turning back to his waiting companions he sighed, “somethings not right here, we shall proceed to the next stage of engagement for each company and I want full auspex scans on every inch of the city.” “ And sergeant, tell the captain to keep you scouts on a maximum alert for contact”

The sergeant hurriedly saluted and raced back to his post to inform his captain of the plans. The brother captain raised a new pict screen on a display on the wall. “Captain” he called, “ heres our problem, our leaders visions have become plagued by influences from the warp clouding his mind from this area.” “ We can’t tell when the next attacks will be or how large a force to expec.....”

Boooooom.. a large explosion rocked the building, rubble toppling down into the street. Out of the window a large pillar of smoke could be seen rising up from the industrial sector of the city, where a missile had obviously impacted on an explosives factory.

A shocked look flicked across the captains face, before being replaced by a determined one. “ Quickly brother captain, to your post, the 1st company marches to the front lines.”
Opening up his vox he issued a command, “ second wave begin transport, full contact imminent, I repeat, remaining companies to make planetfall. “

Moving quickly down from the raised position, the captains moved towards the 1st companies position. A mass of vehicles stood ready, engines already running. The captains land raider stood prominently out at the front of the group. His honour guard stood ready for his arrival as he made his way towards them. He gestured that they enter the vehicle as he rapidly scaled the side of the vehicle and stood upon the roof. Looking down at the brother captain he lowered his voice “go join your squad old friend, and fight well!”

“The same to you captain,” he replied , before heading to another land raider behind the first.

Each one of the hundred vehicles massed in front of the captain held a squad of ten men, each led by the brother captains who were all stood next to their squads vehicles. The Captain raised his voice to combat the noise of the rain. “ Brothers, we stand as one against the xenos eldar once again. They do not seem to realise the foolishness of attacking the Amethyst brothers.” At this point a great cry of appreciation came from the men. “And so now, as we make our way forwards and our brothers above blaze down towards the enemy, the Legion goes to WAR! As one the assembled brother captains stamped down hard upon the ground, the sound echoing across the surrounding buildings. The Captain turned towards the front lines and they bellowed their war-cry across the distance. “ Glory to the foresighted!”

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 07:05 PM
 
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Dude, keep wrighting please, its brilliant and I want to live the war :D
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 08:36 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Qualtor View Post
Dude, keep wrighting please, its brilliant and I want to live the war :D
Thanks for the support, gives me a nice distraction from revising for A levels if people want me to get another bit done. Unfortunately you'll have to wait another chapter until the real fighting starts as I'm backtracking to view the small 'engagements' the 10th company had. There will be a lot of long ranged action though, although not from the full scout company, just squads arranged in locations around the city.

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Last edited by Alex; 05-25-09 at 08:40 PM.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 09:07 PM
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I like it, some of the writing is a bit weak, but the storyline is good. Can't wait for the Primarch to start shaking things up. But on a serious note, the Boom bit was the low point for me. You can capture such detail in an explosion scene and I don't feel you did it justice.

Do not disallusion yourself brothers, today we die, our bodies broken and our souls shattered, we will be remembered as corpses on a battlefield.Raise hell my brothers for one day our great Father will hear of our struggle, and he will be honoured to call us his Sons. In death our Glory shall become eternal.' Karik Farron, 1st Lord of the Dark Scorchers at the Fall of Kempar.


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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Zondarian View Post
I like it, some of the writing is a bit weak, but the storyline is good. Can't wait for the Primarch to start shaking things up. But on a serious note, the Boom bit was the low point for me. You can capture such detail in an explosion scene and I don't feel you did it justice.
Yeah I'm trying to get better at my writing, it is a bit weak at the moment, hence the low point, great thing about the edit button is that I can improve my mistakes with tips like that . I didn't really take much time in that first post, it was a quick 20 mins in between revision, hopefully the next piece( which will be up later today) will be better.

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Last edited by Alex; 05-26-09 at 12:21 AM.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-09, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Next part, as promised, the scout company

Warily edging along the side of the building the figure pulled up its hood and glanced around as the nearby bushes rustled. It quickly aimed its long sleek rifle at the moving leaves. Another similarly hooded figure moved out of the bush and the rifle was dropped down in relief. Gracefully, in a way that would be seen as abhuman by an observer, they ran to a low wall some 5 metres from their position. They both dropped to a crouch and rested their rifles on the rim, their cloaks subtly changing to the hue of the wall, hiding them to all but the most careful observer. The first pathfinder took out a communication device and chattered into it in the eldar language, keeping to a low whisper. The other pathfinder kept an eye on the buildings ahead, where the mon-keigh had been spotted earlier. Suddenly he spotted a flash of light and pulled himself down dragging his comrade with him fearing a sniper was aiming. Nothing happened for a few minutes and he thought that maybe he had been incorrect. Edging himself up to the rim he looked into his rifle and checked the position again, not seeing anything untoward. Another flash of light, and then another flickered up in different positions and this time he stayed put, expecting another trick. Sure enough, no shots were forthcoming and their cover had not been compromised. A shot rang out behind him and the chatter from his partner ceased as his head blew open and his body slumped to the ground, blood spurting out over his cloak spattering the material with red spots. He whirled round to be greeted to the sight of 10 space marine scouts perching in tree tops surrounding him, a smoking bolt pistol held in the hands of their leader. He lifted his rifle to shoot but two sniper rifle shots rang out, the bullets whistling into his hands, leaving ineffectual stumps preventing him from firing. Their leader dropped out of the tree and turned to his men, grinning at their success. “ see men, the captains idea of using mirrors to keep them occupied went without a hitch” he chuckled. Turning to the pathfinder his tone became more venomous and he drew his chain-sword, thumbing the activation rune “ obviously you haven’t heard” he snarled “ when your fighting the Amethyst Brothers your not the only one who can plan AHEAD.” This last utterance was punctuated by the sergeants swift movement in decapitating the eldar. As he wiped the blood off he ordered a flamer carrying scout over and the remains were quickly burnt while the remaining scouts secured the surrounding area.


Captain Aracus stood surveying the pict screens arrayed inside the command post that had been constructed in an old bunker. Reports were coming in of small skirmishes all along the outskirts of the city, but thankfully nothing that his squads had had any trouble with. He smiled at the report that his distraction tactics were working tremendously, giving his pre-emptively placed squads a superior advantage. Seeing a larger force heading in, he opened a vox- link to the bike squads, “ Groups Juno and Demetrius head to the west corner of the city, guardian and aspect warriors spotted inbound for the wall, medium sized force, they should be no trouble.

“Affirmative captain!” replied Juno and Demetrius, revving their engines and sweeping their right hands forward to signal their squads to move out. All background noise was blocked out by the sound of around 200 revving engines moving out towards their destination. The bikes weaved their way through the city outskirts their occupants whooping with joy as they sped along the rubble strewn streets of the deserted worker buildings. “ Target should be in sight soon” voxed Demetrius, “ I want a quick strike through, focussed fire on their aspects, then we can come back and mop up their guardian squads.”
“ You heard him men, thinks he’s a bloody Ultramarine now doesn’t he” laughed Juno “all these textbook manoeuvres .”
Demetrius looked across to Juno and grinned “ Come now Juno, when have I ever followed the rules that strictly.”
They both laughed as they reached the lip of a small rise and saw the enemy advancing to walls. Seeing the new threat the enemy started racing to meet them, pouring fire into their ranks, dire avenger aspect warriors directing the guardian squads. A few astartes were pitched from their bikes as the torrent of shruiken fire overwhelmed them, but the enemy fire was largely ineffective. “Wait for it men, called Juno, as they drew closer to the xenos “nearing critical firing point.....Fire.” Bolters opened fire upon the aspect warriors and their fragile forms buckled under the heavy fire, opening a gap in the enemies lines for the first bikes to pass through. Assault bikes followed up the first attack, heavy bolters opening fire, their shots thudding into the ground and ripping into the remaining squads. Eldar were thrown back as the shells pummelled into them, their bodies whipping round with the force of the shots. The guardian squads that were left lost their nerve and started to flee back away from the walls. Seeing the routed xenos the bikers wheeled around and the sergeants drew their power swords while the marines drew their chain-swords, ready to ride the cowardly xenos down. The bikes quickly caught up to the eldar and Demetrius brought his chain-sword down at the nearest enemy, slicing his body in two, his torso slipping slowly off his legs and dropping to the ground. Juno swung his power sword wildly about, in seemingly ineffectual strikes. However those that followed after him saw the eldar fall as blood spurted from their necks from small slits made by the sword. The eldar in this area were finished.

Further down the walls a solitary figure lay still on the top of a coolant tower, his form moving only slightly as he breathed. The scout had his eye pressed against the scope fitted to his sniper rifle, focused on a patch of ground in the distance. A squad of eldar moved across the top of his field of vision and he followed their leader slowly, holding the trigger lightly until he was sure his aim was true. Satisfied, he pulled the trigger and the bullet whistled through the air, the bang emitting too late for the eldar to realise his presence. The eldar leader stopped suddenly as the projectile impacted upon his skull, slowly dropping to the floor as his body registered that he was dead. The remaining warriors quickly sought the nearest cover, nervously glancing around for the source of the shot. The scout slowly moved his hand to his ear so his location would not be given away. "Scout Riddell reporting kill at 5th engagement point" he whispered "request support to finish off emplaced enemy"
His vox crackled for a second before a hurried reply came through "kill noted scout, support already nearing your location"
Riddell looked around for any sign of this support and as he did so he noticed a trio of streaking lines passing below him heading for the eldar. The missiles impacted upon the rudimentary cover, sending a wave of dust and rubble up into the air before exploding. Shrapnel blew out from the points of impact, slicing into the warriors hidden behind the cover, cutting their bodies to ribbons and maiming their bodies or killing them if they were lucky. Secondary explosions followed and flames licked out across the area, screams of pain coming from the xenos as they tried helplessly to escape the fire. A gruff voice sounded in his ear " see Riddell it's all very well sniping their leaders, but you need real firepower to get the job done"

Captain Aracus was pleased. His company had defeated the foreseen attacks well before the planned time. Calling the nearest sergeant over he quickly spoke to him “ sergeant, I need you to go to the 1st company captain, tell him the situation and ask him whether we should continue onto the next stage before schedule. As the highest ranking officer on planet he holds command and I don’t want to vox this, we don’t know if the eldar are listening, their technology has proved to be efficient in compromising even encrypted vox before. The sergeant saluted and began to run along the centre street towards 1st company command.

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Last edited by Alex; 05-26-09 at 08:21 PM.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-28-09, 12:09 PM
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nice one alex, good story. only let down was 'boom' hmmmm......
cant wait for next chapter

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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-30-09, 06:53 PM Thread Starter
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The rainstorm intensified as the skies overhead darkened, the drops hammering off the land raiders exterior. The captain dropped down through the cupola and sighed, “looks like we’re going to get wet again boys.” His command squad grunted at this and returned to their weapons, checking that they were fully ready for the battle before them. The vox from the drivers compartment sounded and the captain strode towards it. “ Yes brother what is it?”
“ Captain Demetrius we have received a hail from the Adeptus Mechanicus division, I’m patching it through to your internal comms”
A brief wave of static burst through the captain’s ears causing him to flinch in surprise, before a tinny, wheezing voice came onto his vox. “ Greetings Captain, I am Magos Nubrek. You will be happy to know that we we’re already landing to support you when you ordered the attack so we can provide you with titans.” The voice paused and the Captain knew that there was still a downside to this. The other end of the line was filled by a great hacking cough, and when it had subsided, the magos continued, “ However, he said “we haven’t had time to deploy that many so you will only be supported by a warlord and four warhounds. While they are mighty allies, your forward scouts have reported large numbers of eldar super heavies. “
The captain thought for a moment before replying, “ We thank you for your support Magos, and while the enemy may have a large number of these vehicles, they do not have any so awe inspiring as the Mechanicum’s machines.” “ They will no doubt flee before our superior prowess.” “ I await your armour’s arrival, Demetrius out.”
Deactivating his vox, Demetrius moved forwards and pulled the drivers hatch open. “Brother I need a long range vox to the fleet now, they should have landed at their deployment posts by now.” The astarte hurriedly activated the machine and nodded to the captain, who leaned towards the microphone. “ Captain Demetrius calling fleet, Amethis, are you there?”
The vox crackled and the captain looked nervously at the driver.
Suddenly a great booming voice flickered onto the vox, startling him, “ Thats Primarch Amethis to you Captain,” the voice chuckled. ”Lucky we managed to home in on your frequency, regrettably the fleet had to withdraw to the system jump point under heavy fire from the eldar fleet, but we have now destroyed them and gained full air superiority for our deployment. Unfortunately we are still making our way back from the engagement, so your on your own for now”
“We’ll make you proud glorious primarch” Demetrius replied, before another wave of static, cut the conversation short. Walking back into the rear compartment he called out to his men, “ right men it seems like we’ll be doing this one with just 4 companies today until the fleet reaches the drop zone. E.T.A is in 3 minutes so I want all of you to be ready for assaults straightaway. We’ve fought through countless battles together, many of them against the filthy eldar, so you know the drill by now. Gaius, Leonardo and Furen I want you to form up on my left, Dreyfus, Ilis and Caphen on my right. Jorl I entrust you with the legion banner, keep it flying high my brother and we shall not fail. We shall drive a wedge through the enemy and bring the word of the emperor to these ignorant xenos!”
The Land Raider drew to a halt and the ramp fell upon with a resounding thud, and the captain strode out, followed quickly by his men. A line of vehicles stood along the edge of a complex network of trenches, each one surrounded by squads of the first company, Terminators lumbered out of their transports, before standing stoically in position, the more numerous veteran squads filtered out of their vehicles, priming their special weapons for combat while the assault squads moving out of their rhinos began to fit their jump packs and ready their weaponry for an attack. Finally Dreadnoughts moved up behind the front line, towering above the astartes and radiating an awe-inspiring presence. Demetrius looked at the force arrayed and could not help but feel overwhelmed at such a wonderful sight. Looking at his pict screen he saw that 10th company was already positioned in firing points along the line, and 2nd and 3rd company were entrenched either side of the 1st.
The ground shook as the mighty warlord titan Glorious Validictor moved towards their position, and Demetrius felt that his force would be invincible with such a godlike machine under his command. The smaller, more agile forms of the warhounds loped across the distance, coming to rest at the end of the trenches.
“Enemy armour sighted”, called Jorl, “seems like our friends came just in time.”
Demetrius hailed the Validictor, “ Princeps, we have need of your assistance against incoming enemy armour, you have full authority to open fire.” A cheerful voice came back from the titan, obviously glad at this order “ Aye Captain, starting right away”
The Validictor strode across the trenches and made its way across the battlefield, the warhounds dodging around its legs. A mass of armour approached them but Demetrius could not make them out from his position. The Princeps however could, and his eyes widened as he saw 10 revenant titans heading towards their position, their graceful strides and fragile form belittling their deadly weaponry. Although smaller than the warlord, a host of them would almost certainly destroy his warhounds and cause his titan damage if he allowed them to get within range. The warhounds opened fire with their Turbo-laser Destructors, taking two of the enemy down with precise fire. Lowering his arm weaponry the princeps readied the guns, a volcano cannon on his right and a a laser blaster on his left. Opening fire on the lead revenant he gave a whoop of triumph as he saw it fall under the barrage of firepower. It raised itself up again and his triumph turned to rage as he saw its holo fields had protected it from most of the damage. As his arm weapons cooled down he aimed the Imperiums most deadly weapon at the revenants, a vortex missile. Launching it high into the air, it followed a perfect trajectory straight towards the two nearest eldar titans. Impacting upon the ground near them it activated and a glowing ball of darkness grew out from the crater, enveloping the surrounding titans, their matter drawn into the vortex to become the very stuff of the warp. The remaining revenants moved around the crater of warp matter, hurrying to escape from its embrace. As they grew nearer, they raised their own weaponry and the pulsars on their arms shone with energy as they targeted the warhounds, their void shields buckling under the firepower before giving in and allowing the beams of energy to smash into their bodies. The warhounds were able to dispatch two more revenants before resigning themselves to death. Their explosions shook the warlords legs and it lowered its arms to greet the revenants, spitting out lances of energy at them, while a carapace mounted gatling blaster, fired shot after shot into them, the firepower beginning to tell as more fell and only two remained. The princeps checked damage reports and was told that void shields were dead and all damage had been reported from the knee sections. Horrified he realised what the revenants planned to do and ordered the void shields to be brought back up quickly. The revenants fired one last shot at the legs, punching past the already broken armour and destroying the leg couplings. Wobbling, the Validictor began to fall and the revenants fired their jump jets, lifting off the air towards the carapace. Kicking the warlord with all their power, the revenants gracefully somersaulted back towards the ground, while the Validictor began to topple backwards. The Princeps opened the vox link with Demetrius “ Captain it was an honour to fight for you, and I would ask that you avenge my death” he shouted, above the wailing sirens in the command chamber.
Demetrius looked on in horror as the mighty form that he had thought indestructible, toppled towards the ground, it’s weaponry still firing at the revenants. “ That I will Princeps” he said, “ I owe you it to you for your courage in the face of certain death.”

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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-31-09, 09:15 PM
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lookin good
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-01-09, 01:03 AM
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Howdy bud!

Overall you have a good story here. There are some bits and bobs that need tidying up a bit but it's not too much. Some of it comes with grammatical errors here and there. I do the same thing when I'm writing too but I think you need to read through it a couple times and then give it a spelling/grammar check. It also wouldn't hurt to expand on your descriptiveness. Give us an idea of the surroundings in detail(just not minute..we really don't need to know how many crickets are drowning in water run off but you get my drift) so we know where they're starting off.

The rain poured down onto the figures standing at the window of the ruined building. Droplets pattered off their jet black armour and slid down their sodden blue cloaks. The first figure turned as the sound of hurrying footsteps were heard behind him, the hood to his cloak slipping down to reveal a glimpse of his rugged features, a smile forming on his lips. The new arrival approaching ground to a halt and saluted his fellow astarte with an aquila formed from his hands.

"The rain came pouring down in heavy sheets fom the bleak skies above, blanketing the armored figures as they stood before the bombed out window of a ruined two-story bakery((simple descriptions of the building work great)). Droplets pattered off their jet black armor, sliding down the sodden blue cloaks worn by both warriors. Streams of run-off meandered their way down the crater-marked cobblestone streets of <insert city>, looking like miniature rivers rolling through the canyons of some ancient stony desert. Bits and pieces of detritus caught in the currents floated leisurely down the sloping embankment, pulled onward by the constant flows resulting from the neverending barrage of rain. The sound of thunder rumbled across the grey, cloud-filled skies as the sun strived in vain to pierce the gloomy veil holding it at bay.

The sound of hurried footsteps caught the attention of the first. As he turned to greet the newcomer, his cloak slid back; allowing a glimpse at his rugged features ((Here you could insert a little more description about him...scars, partrician features, hook nose, flat nose, blue eyes etc)). A smile formed on his lips as the newcomer ground to halt, splaying his hands wide to form the symbol of the aquila in salute to his fellow brother astartes."

Not perfect but a quick and dirty change. Descriptive writing makes a story a lot better as it helps fill in stuff as one reads the story in their minds.

“What news from the forward lines sergeant?” the figure questioned “ have we engaged yet?”

The astarte met his gaze, “ the enemies forward scouts have been encountered and defeated as foreseen captain but the main force has not been sited yet”, he hesitated “ the captain wished to know if 10th company should move to the next engagement post ahead of schedule.


Something I've noticed about your dialogue. It's more of a grammatical thing than anything. Looking at the above, it should look more like this:

"What news from the forward lines sergeant?" the figure questioned.(I'd actually just change it to 'asked'..there's nothing wrong with using simpler words as opposed to longer-winded ones) "Have we engaged yet?"

The astarte met his gaze. "The enemy's(changed to possessive here) forward scouts have been encountered and defeated as forseen Captain.(end the sentence here to keep it from getting it overly long) However, the main force has not been sighted yet."

He hesitated. "The Captain wishes to know if 10th company should move to the next engagement post ahead of schedule."


When you break up a line of dialogue, make sure you know where one part ends and another begins. Say your sentence is: "Tom is lying" Bart said. "You can tell because his lips are moving." Here you have two pieces of dialogue broken up with 'Bart said'. Each piece is a seperate piece in its own right. You can also have lines like this: "When it comes to messing something up", Tom smiled at his companions, "no one does it better than us." Here it's one line of dialogue with a little extra bit interjected into it. It doesn't interrupt the flow of the sentence like the first example.

All in all it's good work. Like I said above, I'd recommend you run it through a spell/grammar check and then read over it. I know I miss certain grammatical/spelling errors myself. It took me forever to learn to properly spell assault and missle LOL! Keep up the good work bud!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

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Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.

Last edited by Shogun_Nate; 06-01-09 at 01:15 AM.
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