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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-04-09, 09:19 AM
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This is some good stuff here man. Can't wait for more! Need to feed on story....or else.....argh...

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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-05-09, 02:23 AM
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Howdy bud!

First off, you have a pretty darn good story here bud. The only critiques would be on the little things. Grammar, punctuation, and the like. Just minor things, mind!

The forest was silent, deathly silent. Trees stood all around, big trees, tall as titans and wider then a leman russ, the forest was massive and extended far further then the eye could see,. A mouse scampered away at the high pitched whine approaching from the east. The Valkyrie appeared over the horizon, black smoke trailing form it’s engines.
This is a good opening line. The first line is where you want to grab their attention. Wording is good. I'd drop the comma and do the whole "..." thing. You know: "The forest was silent....deathly silent." as opposed to the comma. Commas have a tendency to be either our friends or our greatest of enemies! When using descriptives (is that even a bloody word? LOL) make sure they flow right and don't meander too long. Don't be afraid to break up a descriptive line into more than one. A sentence that just goes on and on with commas is hard to read and has a tendency lose the reader.

Trees stood all around, big trees, tall as titans and wider then a leman russ, the forest was massive and extended far further then the eye could see,.

Trees stood all around. They were giants; tall as titans and wider than (spell correction) a Leman Russ battle tank. (period here to keep the sentence from running on) The forest was massive, extending further than the eye could see. (Bit of a punctuation problem here. You'll also notice that I dropped and for a comma and changed the tense of extend. This makes the sentence flow better. The word "and" is often used too much by writers ((I do it myself lol)) and is sometimes better left out in place for something else).

When you break up the sentence, not only does it read easier but it allows you to put more into it. You have the beginnings of a good grasp on descriptive but you could flesh it out a bit. When you write, picture the scene in your mind and go from there. The trees/forest for example. Don't just stop at the size. Leaf color, trunk shape/color, etc. All of these things give us the reader a clearer picture of things in our mind as we read along.

A mouse scampered away at the high pitched whine approaching from the east. The Valkyrie appeared over the horizon, black smoke trailing form it’s engines.

I like this. This is what I was talking about above. It's the little things that help make the story. However, flesh it out a little more. "The high pitched whine of approaching engines smashed the serenity that once filled the peaceful forest; the sound sending wildlife scurrying for cover, scampering away in search of safety. Thick, black smoke belched from the damaged engines of the injured Valkryrie, leaving a trail of greasy smoke as it appeared over the horizon."

“May day! May day! Valkyrie RAD-STARS-Bravo going down, some sort of engine trouble. Losing altitude, repeat RAD-STARS-Bravo is going down. Coordinates as follows: AF18374 by PK96723 repeat coordinates as fol…*static*”

Here's a point I'd like to point out (ugg...that my grasp of the english language sucks lol). Never be ashamed to keep it simple. In the mayday sentence I would have lost the long coordinates. This can be said about other things too. When someone gives longitude and latitude I start to wander. Remember, you want to keep the reader engrossed (so much so that they'll try to take the desktop to the bathroom because they can't look away). In order to do that, you need to keep the story moving. While this isn't a large point here in your story, I figured I'd mention it anyways. We don't need the serial number plastered on the bottom of the pilot's chair...just how many bolt rounds he took while flying too low over a warzone heh heh heh.

The Valkyrie suddenly lost it’s remaining engine power and crashed into the forest, crushing trees like they were egg shells. With a sickening Snap the aft wing broke off and hit a tree detonating the rocket pods anchored there. The resulting explosion flipped the Valkyrie over it skidded to a halt 5km from the place it entered the forest at.

Here is another place where going into a little more detail would be good. "The sound of angry rattling punctuated by the low thrumming of waning power were the only warnings the pilot had before engines finally gave up. With no power to keep it aloft, the Valkryie crashed into the forest, crushing trees like they were egg shells. With a sickening snap, the aft wing broke off and hit a tree; detonating the rocket pods anchored there. The resulting explosion flipped the Valkyrie end over end; sending it skidding to a halt 5km from the place it entered the forest."

A few key things you need to look for. First, once you get a piece finished, spell/grammar check it. Works has a spell/grammer check function. That would help a lot. Second, punctuation. The big thing I see is you need to sort it out. Things like "it's" when you're using it as a possessive can be sorted with grammar check. Remember, you only need an apostrophe when it's "it is". For possessives, you just use "its". Like: "The dog broke its bowl." Also, you seem to be skipping periods for some reason in some places. Those can be fixed with a good proof-reading though. The third point is proof-reading. Don't just do it once. Read it over twice, go get something to drink, hit the head; anything to give your eyes and brain a quick rest. After your break, come back and proof-read it again. You really want to do it at least three times. Sure, between spell/grammar check and proof-reading you still might miss something. That's why I advise going back over the story the next day and looking at it again. You might find tidbits here and there that need editing.

All in all, you have a very good story here bud. I shall be reading all of it this weekend when I have more time to do so ! Just look to the simple things and get them sorted out!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

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Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.

Last edited by Shogun_Nate; 06-05-09 at 02:27 AM.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-05-09, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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just the help i need nate, thanks

chaecked my setting and it turns out my little bro turned off the grammar part of the spelling and grammar check

i'll edit in the fixed grammar, and i'll look into doing some of the some of your suggested additions/revisions.

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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-05-09, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
I'd drop the comma and do the whole "..." thing. You know: "The forest was silent....deathly silent." as opposed to the comma. Commas have a tendency to be either our friends or our greatest of enemies!
i like and will do!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
Trees stood all around, big trees, tall as titans and wider then a leman russ, the forest was massive and extended far further then the eye could see,.
Trees stood all around. They were giants; tall as titans and wider than (spell correction) a Leman Russ battle tank. (period here to keep the sentence from running on) The forest was massive, extending further than the eye could see. (Bit of a punctuation problem here. You'll also notice that I dropped and for a comma and changed the tense of extend. This makes the sentence flow better. The word "and" is often used too much by writers ((I do it myself lol)) and is sometimes better left out in place for something else).
When you break up the sentence, not only does it read easier but it allows you to put more into it. You have the beginnings of a good grasp on descriptive but you could flesh it out a bit. When you write, picture the scene in your mind and go from there. The trees/forest for example. Don't just stop at the size. Leaf color, trunk shape/color, etc. All of these things give us the reader a clearer picture of things in our mind as we read along.
again i like and will nick it, altough i think i'll be dropping the "battle tank" from the sentence as i think it makes the sentence too wordy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
A mouse scampered away at the high pitched whine approaching from the east. The Valkyrie appeared over the horizon, black smoke trailing form it’s engines.

I like this. This is what I was talking about above. It's the little things that help make the story. However, flesh it out a little more. "The high pitched whine of approaching engines smashed the serenity that once filled the peaceful forest; the sound sending wildlife scurrying for cover, scampering away in search of safety. Thick, black smoke belched from the damaged engines of the injured Valkryrie, leaving a trail of greasy smoke as it appeared over the horizon."
i'll be taking most of that but probably keep only the mouse, i was aiming for a more dead feeling to the place, and i feel that the mention of only 1 mouse being around to be scared acccomplishes that more effectively then wildlife
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
“May day! May day! Valkyrie RAD-STARS-Bravo going down, some sort of engine trouble. Losing altitude, repeat RAD-STARS-Bravo is going down. Coordinates as follows: AF18374 by PK96723 repeat coordinates as fol…*static*”

Here's a point I'd like to point out (ugg...that my grasp of the english language sucks lol). Never be ashamed to keep it simple. In the mayday sentence I would have lost the long coordinates. This can be said about other things too. When someone gives longitude and latitude I start to wander. Remember, you want to keep the reader engrossed (so much so that they'll try to take the desktop to the bathroom because they can't look away).
yeah it does sound better without the coordinates
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
The Valkyrie suddenly lost it’s remaining engine power and crashed into the forest, crushing trees like they were egg shells. With a sickening Snap the aft wing broke off and hit a tree detonating the rocket pods anchored there. The resulting explosion flipped the Valkyrie over it skidded to a halt 5km from the place it entered the forest at.

Here is another place where going into a little more detail would be good. "The sound of angry rattling punctuated by the low thrumming of waning power were the only warnings the pilot had before engines finally gave up. With no power to keep it aloft, the Valkryie crashed into the forest, crushing trees like they were egg shells. With a sickening snap, the aft wing broke off and hit a tree; detonating the rocket pods anchored there. The resulting explosion flipped the Valkyrie end over end; sending it skidding to a halt 5km from the place it entered the forest."
yeah i like the addition here, i'll be nicking it!

Quisnam praesumo, successio
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-09, 02:19 AM
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Eh...nick..no no no! LOL! I wasn't trying to tell you how to write your story only giving you suggestions lol. I might not explain it in the best of ways but it was not my intention of rewriting your story for you. I merely wanted to give you ideas on how to flesh out your dialogue with some examples. Your story is your own! You should be proud of it and if you feel the need to expand use your own words ! That's an important part of writing a story. It's YOURS...not anyone elses bud! While you can change it up with my suggestions, once you do it's no longer just yours. Do you get what I mean? I'm not saying you can't do it but it's far better that you write your story and don't let anyone else change it. Stories are parts of you and you don't want to go mucking about with said parts LOL!

Each person has their own unique way of writing that defines how they do their stories. That's the beauty of writing. Different styles, different ways of setting the story, etc. all add to the writing pool. It's very important that each writer maintain that uniqueness because if they don't everything starts to sound the same. Be different! Stick to your guns! But NEVER let someone decide how your story should be written. It's one thing to take advice, help, or the occasional nudge here and there but it should never replace the hard work YOU put into the story. Be proud of what you've done and continue to strive to improve your work. That's what I was trying to show you bud.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
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Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-09, 05:04 AM
 
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NOOOOO! I cant believe I reached the end. Keep going please!!!
Very Descriptive. I feel like I was pulled right into the game, I feel like I was there!
Ah man, zombie blood on the uniform
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-09, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogun_Nate View Post
Eh...nick..no no no! LOL! I wasn't trying to tell you how to write your story only giving you suggestions lol.
i know you were only suggesting mate, it is just that i found your examples so good that i felt that by either changing them too much or nit using them would be a travesty

if i thought for one second that you were telling me what to change or add then i would tell you to fornicate and travel!


Quote:
Originally Posted by muffinman82 View Post
NOOOOO! I cant believe I reached the end. Keep going please!!!
Very Descriptive. I feel like I was pulled right into the game, I feel like I was there!
Ah man, zombie blood on the uniform
thanks muffin, trying my best to keep new chapters regular but am finding it a little hard going.. How do you advance a story based on a game that advances the story by wandering around until you find the right items?

Chris walked into the room. The door opened slowly. In the room there was a bed. On the bed there was a handgun clip. A zombie burst out of the closet (those damn closet zombies, never know they're a zombie till they come out). Because he had no ammo Chris had to walk over to the bed and pick up the clip of handgun ammo. Chris shot the zombie.

so yeah i'm trying to write the story while not diverging too much from the games storyline

And just a quick question: What did people think of chapter 6- unseen forces?

Quisnam praesumo, successio
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-09, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Okay folks, and you muffinman, the next 2 chapters. Hope you like, if not drop us a line and say why.

Chapter 10- Mysterious Girl

Chris stalked along the hallway, Hellgun raised and ready for action he had been moving along this corridor for only a few minutes when he heard the vox cast

“Barry to Wesker, Barry to Wesker. Come in Wesker” [I] came Barry’s voice

“Yes?” replied Wesker his voice distorted by the vox

“Looks like the shit has hit the fan sir, we got one dead Arbites. And a man Jill shot dead that just got up and charged us” Barry reported

“Say again, it sounded like you just told me a dead man’s just got up and walked”

Dead men walking? Grot faeces, dead men don’t walk Chris mentally dismissed the report

Someone’s here and they are using some sort of voice synthesis to mess with our heads Chris rationalised. Just then, he heard a strange sound, a quiet groaning, and it seemed to be coming from around the corner up ahead. Chris quickly moved up to the wall and continued to move forward at a slow pace. As he neared the corner a loud banging began Chris quickly assumed a combat ready posture, and stealthily he slipped his head around the corner and saw a man trying to bash down a door. Holstering his weapons Chris approached the man

“Sir, are you okay?” Chris enquired the continued groaning was the only reply; slowly the man began to turn towards Chris.

Holy shit!

Horror and repulsion flashed through Chris’s mind as he saw the ‘man’ who turned towards him; somehow, he was missing his chest! All that remained was a cavity where his vital organs had once resided. Reacting quickly Chris shoved the man backwards, losing his balance the man fell backwards slamming his head into the wall with a resounding *crack!* as his neck bent at entirely unnatural angle.

Satisfied that the man was dead Chris turned his attention to the door the man had been trying to break into. Unhooking his Bio-Mass Scanner Chris directed the machine towards the door; clicking into life the scanner’s machine spirit began to scan the room. After a few seconds, the scanner reported the results to Chris via his vox

“Room scanned, one life form, human female, appears to be in good physical condition, may the Emperor protect” the BMS squeaked.

One woman, I can handle that Chris thought with a smirk. Pulling out his autopistol and cocking it and if she tries anything I got this

“Hello, don’t panic I’m here to help” Chris said as he opened the door slowly, leaving the door open as he edged into the room he spotted the woman almost instantly. She was clutching what appeared to be a Laspistol in both hands, wearing a looks of sheer terror on her young face. The badge on her chest identified her as a member of the Legio Medico with the rank of field medic.

Hello nurse! I would not mind me some of that! Chris lusted.

“Hey there, what’s your name?” Chris softly asked trying not to spook the distressed young woman

“R…R…Re…Rebecca, Rebecca Chambers, Field medic attached to the Arbites squad sent out here” the young woman stuttered, “Who’re you?”

“Chris Redfieldens, but my friends call me Chris. I am part of a Kasrkin squad sent here to locate and retrieve you and your team. Are there any other survivors that you know of?” Chris enquired

“Yeah, a few, Captain Marini, Richard Aiken, Forest Speyer, Kenneth Sullivan and the new guy Neros. Edward Dewey died in the crash and the co-pilot died in the crash along with some civilian advisors”

“I better tell Wesker about this, don’t worry Rebecca we’re going to get you and the others out of this,” Chris said trying to calm the girl.

“Wesker this is Chris I’ve found a survivor, a medic by the name of Rebecca chambers, she says there are other survivors somewhere. Captain Marini, Richard Aiken, Forest Speyer, Kenneth Sullivan and the new person Neros. The pilot, co-pilot and a bunch of civvies died in the crash.” Chris voxed Wesker

“Sorry to contradict you Chris” Jill suddenly voxed “Neros is dead” the news causing Rebecca to start crying.

“Thanks for that Jill, next time you might want to use some compassion” Chris angrily retorted.

Chapter 11- Unseen Foes

They were all gathered around the vox receiver, its blinking lights the only illumination in the dark room, listening intently to the Kasrkins vox transmissions.

“The level of communication between them is disturbing” One of them said

“Yes it is disturbing Jon, as is the fact that they are not yet separated fully” said another

“Not to worry Henry, we still have plenty of ways to separate them” the third added

“Yes Steve we still have plenty, or should I say planty of surprises in store for them. Bring in Wesker please Steve” Jon asked politely

Steve walked over to a hidden door and silently opened it revealing a large room filled with computers and on one wall a large monitor bank showing every inch of the mansion through hidden cameras. With his back to him sat Wesker studying the monitors. Steve walked quietly forward, the only noise in the room being the beeping and whirling sounds coming from the computers.

“Yes?” Wesker suddenly said chilling Steve’s blood

How did he know I was here? I am sure I did not make any noise! Steve started backing away nervously

“Relax Steve I watched you on the monitor, see just here” Wesker said pointing to a screen on his right “Wave to yourself Steve” he said as he began to wave at the camera

“We want you inside now” Steve snapped at Wesker

“My my Steve, where are your manners? I am here to help you, but I do require a certain level of politeness” Wesker admonished

“Whatever Wesker, inside now” Steve commanded

“Well yes sir!” Wesker replied sarcastically while mock saluting walking past Steve and into the room

“Ah Wesker Co…” Jon began before Wesker cut him off mid sentence

“Jon next time you want to speak with me I suggest sending someone who isn’t ruder then a pig, I could at any time get the Kasrkins out of here. All I need to do is send them down one hallway where they will find everything they need to get out and prove what went on here. Don’t forget it” Wesker angrily said

Jon and Henry both looked at Steve with a look of rage in their eyes

“Yes Wesker, sorry about Steve, he’s under a little stress at the moment” Jon said apologetically “But we need your help. The Kasrkins need separating more and we need communications blocked. Please.” Jon requested

“That’s better, manners don’t cost a thing. I’ll see what I can do.” Wesker said as he left the room

As soon as he had left the three came together and began furiously whispering

“Steve what the hell are you playing at? You know how volatile he is” Henry said

“Henry calm down, you know as well as I that he won’t survive this mission, remember what the board said. No survivors or witnesses beyond us three” Steve replied with a grin

“Even so you know how volatile he is, and how unpredictable. Best not to rock the boat for now, wait until his usefulness expires” Jon said.

In the darkness, hands clasped and drinks were fetched.

Even further in the darkness Wesker smiled to himself
So they plan to get rid off me do they? Well I will show them, I will teach them not to mess with me Wesker thought allowing a grim smile to cross his lips.

Quisnam praesumo, successio
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-07-09, 01:48 AM
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if i thought for one second that you were telling me what to change or add then i would tell you to fornicate and travel!
Good man!

I'll try to get all of your story read this weekend and get back with you. From the first part that I did get into, it was good.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-12-09, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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okay next chapter, enjoy it folks

Chapter 12- Separated!

“What’s with Chris?” Jill asked Barry “He seemed pretty angry over the vox”

“I don’t know Jill, maybe the survivor he found is upset and hearing you bluntly saying on how one of her squad mates are dead made it worse?” Barry responded with a chuckle.

“Well yeah I might have been a little blunt, but remember Draforlia IV? He told that kid, without batting an eyelid, that heretics killed his parents. We have to be detached from our emotions in order to complete our mission, and he seemed a little emotional over the vox” ’Jill replied

“Yeah he did seem a little emotional, but never mind. We have a mission to continue, lets go back to where you found Neros body and look around for a way forwards” Barry said as he crossed to the door the Jill had come through.

Jill and Barry walked up to where Nero’s body had lain, only to find it missing! The only trace that there had been a corpse there was a patch of blood and some bone chips.

“I don’t understand” Jill whispered, “The body was right here, he was dead, where’s he gone?”

“Something isn’t right about this place, I can feel it on my bones” Barry ominously said “Lets head down this passage here, might be something useful” Barry said pointing down the passage.

The pair were half way down the passage when Wesker voxed them

“Barry? Jill? Come in please” Wesker said

“Yes sir, Barry here what’s up?” Barry replied

“The beacon’s signal seems to be breaking up; I think something’s interfering with it. Go check on it please.” Wesker asked

“Okay sir, I’ll get right on it” Barry said “Is that all sir?” he then enquired

“Yes, if Jill could carry on searching your area then hopefully we can get this job done before dawn” Wesker replied.

“Yes sir, Barry out” Barry said moving back towards the dining room, just before he opened the door he said “Jill, are you going to be okay?”

“Yes Barry, I should be fine thanks” Jill replied with a smile

“Okay if you’re sure, I’m going to set my secondary vox channel to Bravo-2 if you need anything just give us a call” Barry said as he left the room.

“Sure thing” Jill muttered to herself, moving down the hallway. Suddenly Jill heard gunshots in the distance

“Chris? Barry? Captain Wesker? What’s going on? Is everyone okay? Who is shooting? Hello anybody?” Jill desperately tried to raise someone on the vox, but got only static in return
What is going on here? First monsters attack us, then dead men walk, and now the vox is down, whatever’s going on here I don’t like it

Quisnam praesumo, successio
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