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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-12-09, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Default The Universal Bar

For those that have read the Warp Bar, I'm very truly sorry. It was disgusting from the beginning and I will answer for it before the judgment of God. If you haven't read it, good for you and don't let curiosity guide you to destruction.

Ive gotten bored with writing about Deamons, because lets face it, they are all very boring to start with. Instead I've opened another bar, which primarily deals with every race and the 'talk-of-the-town' issues of the 40k world/real-world during the current time.
Its another 'useless' fiction which doesn't make any sense so don't expect any.
Expect nothing but crap and garbage, expect... “The Universal Bar”.

“Guard FTW!!!”
Yells, screams and celebration could be heard coming from behind the Cadian gate. In fact it wasn't only the Cadian garrison which seemed to be celebrating hard, the Vallhallan under city was alight with decorations, banners and mobs of drunk Party goers. Catachan was riddled with cans of beer, alcohol and Christmas party hats. Even Mordia seemed a little less morbid as the Ruling Tetrarchs handed out free water and the odd whistle was heard from the Mordian ranks. Actually almost every Imperial Guard regiment also seemed to be acting strangely.

“What the hells going on? What'r they so bloody happy about.” BloodLetter Varnak pointed in the direction of the Cadian defences. It had been three days since the first dance club music was heard over the Cadian Propaganda speakers and it hadn't ended since, infact it increased and so did the cheerful shouts of Celebration.
BloodLetter Grom stared at BloodLetter Varnak with surprise. “What? You haven't heard? The bastards are getting a new codex, comin' out in May or something. Fuck em, we just got ours.”
“Yeah but ours is still like 1st edition or something, we only just got our own codex, let alone a... Ow! Don't slap me!”
“Shut up, don't rub it in.”

Mean while, in the Dark Elder city of Commoragh.
“You know what? Fuck this shit!”
“Can we go the Universal Bar?”

The Universal Bar, for all of its universalness, was full of drunk and drinking Guardsmen who didn't seem to be leaving in a hurry. The other patrons did seem to be leaving on the other hand. “Oi ya fancy a REAL man! Come 'ere Xenos! More for less Hahaha! Only 5 points Xenos!” Elder and Tau swiftly filed out of the Bar, constantly harassed by pissed Imperial Guardsmen.
“Ha! Nice arse on that one eh?”

The Bar was filled with Humans, mostly drunk and celebrating. At the back of the premises stood a thin wooden bar table taking up most of the back wall. On it were arrayed guardsmen jumping around clumsily and dirty dancing female guardsmen and Elder females, one of which seemed to be a drunk Farseer. To the left of the bar (looking at the bar) were set up a few pool tables and dart boards, nothing flash, although all of the pool tables had alcohol crazed Catachans, Valhallans and Tallarn standing on them cheering drunkly.
“Special characters mother fuckers!!! Special Characters!!”
“Chenkov! Urah!”
“Iron Hand is back ya bastards!”
“Wooo! Al'raheim!”

“Vanquishers and Exterminators!”
“Better artillery!”
“Awesome big stuff!!”
“Strength 5, assault 20 Gattling Cannon!”
Tank commanders shouted atop the round tables filling the front and middle of the bar, clutching large mugs of frothing beer, toasting their glasses together.
The area to the right of the bar was made up of dark brown couches, some square tables connected to the right wall and a fireplace which was usually reserved for the educated classes, Officers, Warlocks and Tzeentch. Surprisingly that area was very quiet. Whatever Commissars that had bothered to turn up to the celebration sat on the couches and at the square tables skulking. Only the Commissars didn't seem to find anything worth cheering about. “Captain Damien!” The red uniformed Captain of the 23rd Armaggeddon Storm Troopers who was fumbling at the suite of an Elder Exarch on a round table behind the Commissar's couch, swiveled clumsily to face the angry Commissars behind him and stood to attention evidently swaying under the influence of alcohol. “Sirr?” He managed to slur. The Elder female giggled.
“Captain! Deep Strike your self some where else! With your new DeepStrike re-rolls!...'sigh' Have your fun while it lasts Captain.”
“Fank yu sirr! Sorry bout the leadersship nine sirrr and the one wound, oh yer and the limit on wargear. Thats fuked ssirr. The boys fink so asswell.”

Imperial Officers from various regiments occupied the bar table while staring up at the dancing females.
“I Order you! Hahaha!”
“No no no, I Order YOU! Hahaha!”
“Bloody oath these new special Orders are great! Extra lasgun shots? Pft, thats bloody brilliant!”

Outside of the Bar, Ogryns and Rattlings hugged and cheered while smoking various drugs. Most of the Rattlings smoked rolled joints while the Ogryns drowned barrels of grog.
“Yesss! New models and Infiltrate! And Stealth! We've been remembered!”
“Hah! Tuffness five and da fury charge! Dats 'bout right!”

“I hear GW's gonna be getting' rid of the 20 man boxes and replacing em with 10!”
Suddenly the whole Bar stood still. No one spoke.

“Well fuck!”

Alle's Klar? Herr Kommissar
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-12-09, 04:57 PM
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brilliant, i request more

+rep for entertainment, bollocks, sorry cant give you more rep till i've "spread it around", bloody gits

Quisnam praesumo, successio

Last edited by lawrence96; 04-12-09 at 04:59 PM.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-12-09, 07:22 PM
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Started awesome but fizzled out towards the end. Fucking good effort though mate. +rep
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-13-09, 03:21 AM Thread Starter
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Ofcourse it fizzled out, the bloody thing didn't have a proper storyline, let alone proper anything. Its pretty crap if you ask me and -rep to whoever wrote this garbage.

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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-13-09, 08:02 PM
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Just as good as the Warp Bar!

Interpret that whichever way you want
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-14-09, 06:24 AM Thread Starter
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The Universal Bar had gotten back to normal, with the Guardsmen settling down soon after the release of their new 5th edition Codex.

The guard Officers sat at the lounge tables discussing 'new' tactics and strategic maneuvers to suit their 'new' rules.

“...and if you add some rotary blades to the top of the valk, it can be a Heli.”
“It costs something like 85 bucks though.”
“Yeah, but we can yell 'Get to ze Choppa!' every time we use it.”

The Bar quickly re-filled with its usual mixed patrons and business returned to a steady flow. The Orks had resumed gathering together for a pint or ten, followed by their usual Orkish discussions.

“Da Grog is gud!”
“Ya itz gud! Betta dan dat dirt!”
“Dirts dum! Grog iz da bestest!”
“Dum Dirt! Grr! Needs ta get a smackin'!”
“Ya smackin' iz gud!”
“...Seriously though, the beer is fantastic.”

A pair of Guardsmen, some Traitors and a couple of Tau Fire Warriors hassled a seated Necron for a copy of the new Terminator movie. The Necron sat lifelessly ignoring their feeble efforts and pleas.

“Oh come on mate!”
“Please! Pretty please!”
“Is it true? Is Batman really John Conner?”
“Say 'I am a police officer.'!”
Suddenly the Necron stood up mechanically and stalked out of the bar. “Fuck you assholes.”

Come to think of it, there was infact a tinge of growing excitement radiating among the Universal Bar. The Space Marines were once again praising themselves and a small group of about nine marines, most of who were ultramarines, sat among the bar table, bragging over their brand new first person shooter, still in the making.
“Excuse me, have I come to understand that a FPS is being made about us, called Space Marine?”
“Thats right motherfucker. We're better than all the other races and we've got a game coming out named after ourselves!”
“First 40k Race to have a FirstPersonShooter bitch!”

“Ahem” A squad of seated Tau glared angrily at the Marines, an Ethereal stood abruptly.
“What the hell are you talking about? Dumb Marines. We've had a game out for ages!”
The Marines turned to face the Ethereal. “Yeah but its shit. A crappy Tau Fire warrior running around killing The Emperor's Space Marines like as if they were shitty guardsmen? Its the biggest bullshit in the universe!”
“Oi! Who the fuck you callin' shitty?” Several Imperial Guard Officers jumped up from their lounge tables and a mob of mixed Guardsman bunched up together, jostling their fists at the surprised Marines but the Super Human Killing Machines of the Immortal Emperor were quick to recover.
“Yeah, well, where is your 40k merchandise? I don't see any 'Guardsmen' FPS games and I sure as hell don't see your 6th edition codex!”
“Why ya bastard!” A catachan officer leaped up at the Space Marine, punching him in the face and was pushed into the table of Orks. Beers flew everywhere, the Orks angrily jumped up from their chairs. Ork Nob Stukitz lifted the Catachan Officer up from the broken table. “Hey! Listen mate, calm the fuck down will you... oh shit...sorry...i meant... WAAAAGGHHH!! SMACKIN' TIMEZ!!”
“Shut up green skin.” The Tau, Guard and Marines replied in unision.
“Argh I iz soz! Stukitz bad. Lets get bak to da grog boyz! Yer!...pricks.”
Some seated Elder had taken notice of the sudden build up of tension between the Guard and Space Marines. They didn't really care although the prospect of a brawl emerging and affecting their table did infact lead them to intervene in a tactical manner designed to subside the still growing tension. It was a manner of such tacticity that it deserved but a certain amount of gratification.
“Hey humans! I forgot, but pray remind me, what codex are the Dark Elder still on?”
The bar filled with hysterical laughter and once again the usual two or three Dark Elder patrons sunk their heads in their arms and sulked among the shadows at the back of the bar. “Lucky we're masochists, this'd be hell if we werent.”
“Shut up.”

By the way, blame Blue Liger for the Valk joke. Its his fault.

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