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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-30-08, 06:27 AM Thread Starter
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Default Dark Eye: Alley Wars

Dark Eye
CHAPTER 1

The ganger ran. Larson knew the little worm would break, but not so soon after Larson had recruited him. The first time Larson had found the kid he seemed a naïve child, believing Larson was one of his gang's members, but he had a good head on him, gangs tend to get rid of that sort of logical behavior, replacing it with paranoia and greed, and so the child had ratted Larson out, and to Ferlid's men no less.

“I’m a damn fool for thinking a maggot like him was worth the trouble” Larson berated himself as he ran helter-skelter through the dingy back alleys of Harac Hive, a trio of ganger hit men behind him, two big burly men in black and a slender woman with tattoos in red leather, “Funny how a bunch of Ferlid’s hired goons appear when I’m on to something”

Larson shouldered his way through the crowd, shoving protesting buyers and stall keepers alike in his bid to escape, finally he saw the gangers getting bogged down in the thronging torrent of humanity, the marketplace was too crowded for any of the gangers to dare use their weapons, and he allowed
himself a sigh of relief before he plunged back into the thronging crowds.

-[Later at an Arbite's safehouse]-

“Did you get anything out of him?” demanded Gregor over the vox, Larson moved the earpiece further away from his ear to retain some of his hearing; the Judge’s voice wasn’t in any way diminished over the vox.

“Nothing much, only a confirmation of what we has suspected, surr” replied Larson, “the gangers have been smuggling weapons and supplies to points in the city, also the gang's leaders has been in touch with House Ferlid, demanding more money and supplies most likely”

“Well now we can begin to disrupt Ferlid's efforts at least” Gregor muttered back, “Alright your new objective is to find and mark the weapon caches for the patrol’s squads, but for the throne’s sake don’t blow your cover, or get caught”

“Righto surr, bye” Larson put down the earpiece and walked over to the couch, “ this safe house he was in was a rarity in his line of work”, he thought, “it wasn’t only a abandoned hovel will a vox set in it, it actually had the crummy furniture to match. The arbites had a sense of humor after all !”

“My job is and irony within itself...” Larson laughed to himself, “I work hard, risk my life and the bloody bosses can’t even be bothered to get me a proper couch, but at least they pay me well…. I wish”

Larson walked back over to the vox and dialed up his informant’s number, “Hermel, I want you to check out those buildings I told you about yesterday, I’ve got a few gangers after me so I’ll won’t able to do it, call back when you’ve found the caches, understood?”

“Got it boss” and the line went dead.

Larson got back up and walked over to the flat’s bedroom and flopped down onto the bed, asleep in seconds…. He forgot to set the security alarms.

WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR.....*necron warrior turns around to the necron behind him* Hey Bob? what did we come for?!


Last edited by zboy234; 12-01-08 at 09:53 AM. Reason: put the wrong draft up, also the story had some minor changes, thanks all
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-30-08, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
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well heres my Latest short story while I'm happy with it I stress that critisms are very welcome, I myself believe that with your help my writing will get better..

Cheers,

Zboy234

WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR.....*necron warrior turns around to the necron behind him* Hey Bob? what did we come for?!

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-30-08, 08:03 AM
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Hey Zboy234! I'm not quite sure what is going on in the first paragraph, who'd the kid rat 'em out to? Otherwise pretty good.
Cheers!

"You doubt my loyalty to the God-Emperor? How dare you accuse me of consorting with Daemons!"
- Crimson Fists

Pedro, once the most feared Daemon in the Warp, why not drop in and say hi to the retired Daemon and his mates?
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-30-08, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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all shall be reavealed in good time my firends, all in good time

WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR.....*necron warrior turns around to the necron behind him* Hey Bob? what did we come for?!

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-01-08, 04:41 AM
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Dude... This is just a critique... Don't take this personally... Ok?.... The whole thing was confusing... You should've made it clearer as to who was who... Like who was the one running and who was the one chasing... And when you post a teaser or the prologue of your story... It should be thrilling and exciting and really get the readers to desire the continuation of your story... I like your concept... It just needs a little refinement... Good luck with your story... Hehehehe...
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