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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-10-15, 04:29 PM
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One thing I forgot to ask. It seems like Verghard says 'boy' after ending a sentence and awful lot. Was this your intention?

If not, just be careful about repeating yourself too much.


BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR HIS SKULL THRONE!
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-11-15, 10:29 PM Thread Starter
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One thing I forgot to ask. It seems like Verghard says 'boy' after ending a sentence and awful lot. Was this your intention?

If not, just be careful about repeating yourself too much.
Thank you for the warning, but yes, it is there intentionally. Veghard does lighten up a bit on Abelard, but right now Abelard is just a fresh recruit and the 'Boy' is supposed to be a denigrating comment meant to motivate Abe to be more than just a frightened boy and act like a man. Just think Drill Sargent.

The Book of Grudges will know their name.

The Worlds of J.D. Barbera
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-11-15, 10:33 PM
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Thank you for the warning, but yes, it is there intentionally. Veghard does lighten up a bit on Abelard, but right now Abelard is just a fresh recruit and the 'Boy' is supposed to be a denigrating comment meant to motivate Abe to be more than just a frightened boy and act like a man. Just think Drill Sargent.
Hah. I know drill sergeant all too well.

Can't wait to see the next update!


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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-11-15, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Default Chapter the First: Scattered Clouds Pt 3 of 5

As Veghard and Abelard began to move out, not far away a lone warrior was running a race of his own. His armor declared him a space marine of the Ultramarines. The signature color of his armor was blasted away in several places by enemy fire, and though he moved with strength and purpose, obvious battle damage gave testimony that the marine had not arrived unscathed. Running a zigzag pattern, the marine would stop, scan the area around him. Occasionally stooping to examine the ground, and then take off running again. His posture alert and his weapon ready, the marine hunted.

His name was Novarius and he was not a happy man. His squad had been decimated, leaving only him to carry out their mission. The support that had been expected by the guard units had vanished like the dew of the hot mornings on the world they were attempting to defend. The eldar force that had somehow moved onto the world was far greater than Novarius had ever engaged and after a run in against a squad of warp spiders, Novarius found himself alone and deep within enemy territory.

Again, he tapped his helmet. The vicious mono filament strands fired into his squad without warning had damaged his armor, though it had kept him alive. His battle brothers were not so successful at dropping to cover. The warp spiders had appeared and then disappeared, without returning, giving Novarius the indication that the attack had been an attack of opportunity while they were moving elsewhere. Whatever damage had been sustained by his armor, vox and satellite data were both knocked out. He still had the basic tactical data along with his inertial locator detailing where he and his squad had originated from. Doctrine stipulated that he advance, following his inertial locator, until arriving at the deployment zone or he reestablished vox communications, but as he had recovered from the Eldar ambush, the Guard’s artillery began saturating the area that his return path indicated.

The blue of his armor, newly scored by the incoming fire of the vanished aspect troops, still shined bright. The shoulder pauldrons still proudly bore the golden U of the Ultramarines. His bolter clacked as he installed a fresh clip, and after taking a moment to orient himself, Novarius began to move out. The barrage pattern would move over his immediate area and he had no desire to attempt to sit though an artillery barrage fired by his own support. Unable to properly apply battle doctrine, Novarius moved through the forest, attempting to follow the direction the warp spiders had seem to vanish towards.
Moving through the underbrush, Novarius’s progress was masked with the sound of artillery and small arms fire. He had successfully made his way out of the barrage pattern and he had managed to orient himself matching terrain to what was left of his tactical information. He found himself wishing for a tech marine for having only the silence of his thoughts as he made his way through the battle disconcerting, even a scout would be good company. Never in a battle had he been without any vox communication of any kind. Moving around a tight copse of wood, Novarius found himself facing the back of six eldar guardians as they lay suppression fire down before their position.

The report of his bolter echoed in his ears and it jerked and leapt as he began firing into the rear of the guardian squad that seemed to be firing out of the forest at a Guard unit. Two of the elder fell under his first salvo while the other four suddenly looked about for where the shots emanated from. Grinning under his helmet, Novarius turned his fire on the fasted of those remaining. More shots rang out as the hapless guardian jerked and fell back, his armor unable to fend off the multiple hits from Novarius.

Shuriken whizzing by his head, the last three guardians brought their catapults to bear on the advancing marine. Several ricocheted off his shoulder and legs, while a scant few managed to stick in his chest but were unable to penetrate through. Novarius continued to fire down on the guardians, but their armor was able to deflect the lethal fire of his bolter when, without warning, one of the guardians suddenly burst into a bloody fine mist as the rounds of a heavy bolter ripped through his armor. Another burst followed the first, demolishing a tree next to Novarius, causing him to seek his own cover and a third burst that spun another guardian to the ground. The last eldar, a woman, reached down to grab her wounded partner and began to drag him away. More bursts cut through the foliage seeking the fleeing eldar and kept Novarius down, but fired blindly they were more of a danger to the marine than the retreating eldar.

The heavy bolter fire ceased, and Novarius felt it was safe to get back to his feet. Bringing his bolter up, he gave chase to the remaining two eldar. They had not even escaped his sight, as he trotted up the trail behind them. The woman continued to try and pull her injured compatriot even as Novarius closed on them. Mercilessly he raised his weapon and relished in its kicking strength.

“Xenos scum. Feel the Emperor’s wrath!”

Novarius slapped a new magazine into the receiver of his bolter. Today he was not only unable to save his battle brothers, but he was almost cut down by friendly fire and rather than an entire squad detailed to the objective, there was only himself. Doctrine dictated he reestablish communication and contact, but without vox and hemmed in with misapplied artillery barrages, he would be hard pressed to accomplish either and that would mean a reprimand or even demotion. Novarius was not a happy man.

Last edited by Treesnifer; 08-13-15 at 10:35 AM. Reason: grammar/typo issues
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-11-15, 11:57 PM
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Quite entertaining. Some minor details that I would change.

The biggest one that I notice is that a trained soldier would never call a magazine a 'clip', so just be careful of your wording.

Other than that, it was a really fun read! Keep it up!


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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-13-15, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Quite entertaining. Some minor details that I would change.

The biggest one that I notice is that a trained soldier would never call a magazine a 'clip', so just be careful of your wording.

Other than that, it was a really fun read! Keep it up!
At thirty years out of the military, and that at the end of the peaceful years, I'll admit to my knowledge being pretty rusty. I went back through and found a typo (and I can't find it now. bah!), a double punctuation, and definitely a description change. Pretty bad for a piece that has been rewritten and proofed at least four times.

Any faults you come across, don't hesitate to point out. When the money is good, I keep a membership to The Writers Village where it is incumbent that everyone in each class give feedback to each other, so I am used to blind spots being pointed out to me. Anything I like will be followed! In this instance, clip was used to avoid magazine being repeated too quickly.

Actually, if anyone would like a glimpse into how The Village works, there is a free introductory class that starts twice a year - one being in just a couple weeks - August 26th. F2K3 is a 7 week course, each week's lesson is run by a mentor and all work is graded by peer review. After I took the F2K class a few years back, my writing improved quite a bit and I would suggest that if anyone has the time, sign up for the class. I found the class worth it.

The Book of Grudges will know their name.

The Worlds of J.D. Barbera

Last edited by Treesnifer; 08-13-15 at 10:38 AM.
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-13-15, 04:17 PM
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clip was used to avoid magazine being repeated too quickly.

I'm glad you said this. You wouldn't believe how many people don't know that this is a bad thing.


BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR HIS SKULL THRONE!

Last edited by Captain_Loken; 08-13-15 at 06:32 PM.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-13-15, 05:49 PM
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Very nice update, Novarius seems down on his luck, haha. Also, the Writer's Village looks interesting. I may have a look into it.

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-15-15, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Default Chapter the First: Scattered Clouds pt 4 of 5

Moving with his accustomed purposeful stride, Novarius moved swiftly along the tree line as he attempted to ascertain if the Warp Spiders who ambushed him had indeed traveled in this direction. The lack of tracks or signs of passage frustrated him, and in his heart he knew lacking more marines he was more likely to miss the necessary egress points the Warp Spiders had to use. If speed had not been their need perhaps he would have found some sign of their passage, but their attack and failure to follow up upon it pointed to an urgent need for speed. A flicker of movement caught his eye and his bolter came up to face the danger even as he turned to identify the disturbance.

Beyond the sparse edge of the woods he moved through was the blasted field that had been pounded by the bombard company far back in the distance. Next to an uprooted boulder stood two men, an Imperial Guardsman and a Squat Warrior bearing a heavy bolter. The guardsman was oblivious to Novarius’s presence and location, but the squat looked right at him and sent a nod and sketched a quick salute to him. Once he had done that, he tugged on the guardsman and began to trot along the tree line, though it was soon obvious the two would cross under the trees another few hundred feet away.

Without conscious thought, Novarius abandoned his hopeless attempt to follow the Warp Spiders and began to run an intercept course that would meet him up with the squat and the guardsman. It mattered not if the two had any communications as his forming up with the unlikely pair would begin to satisfy his requirement to reestablish contact with Imperial forces. He continued to scan deeper in the wood as well as ahead of him. The sudden lack of enemy was maddening. The short, deadly attack on his battle brothers had brought up his anger, and his own ambush of the small Guardian squad did little to appease him. Novarius found himself fearing that even with the distant sound of combat that was obviously drawing the other two soldiers towards it, the eldar were long gone. That they had achieved their goal on this flank and had reduced the advancing Imperials to two guardsmen and a single marine.

It was without incident that the three met together at the blasted edge of the wood. Abelard had not even seen the marine until Novarius stopped beside them. Abelard was bent over at the waist with his hands supporting him by bracing his knees. The heavy footfalls of the marine caused him to look up in surprise and almost caused the young man to faint in shock.

“Veghard. Sixty-First Detached Thunderers.”
“Novarius, Fifth Company”

Veghard looked at Abelard who was shocked to be faced with a space marine. Though the marines were not commonly encountered by the average guardsman, many dreamed of getting to meet them. When Abelard still did not speak, Veghard did for him.

“This is Abelard, One Seventy Seventh, White Shields.”

Novarius looked the panting, sweating White Shield over. No backpack, no weapon, no obvious wounds. It all added up to either a deserter or coward. It also explained why he and his battle brothers had not received the support they had been told to expect. If they had known that it was a White Shield force, they would have had more battle brothers accompany them on the mission. White Shields were to prepare an enemy position for attack, not support Astartes in straight up combat. Remorselessly he raised his bolter. This Abelard would pay for his failure now.

Veghard, the squat, batted Novarius’s arm with one of his gloved hands. Novarious found himself battling with being either shocked or angered by the intervention. He had never been touched by anyone who wasn’t a space marine. Within his helmet, he glared down at the abhuman. He could not help but wonder if both of them were not traitors and were trying to desert. With the evidence of Veghard’s attack on the Guardians, Novarious was at odds with himself on whether he should administer the Emperor’s Justice on the two of them or not. Veghard’s gruff voice interrupted his internal debate.

“You don’t want to do that, son. We’ll be needing him soon enough.”

There was no fear in the squat’s face, only an implacable glint in his eye that actually gave Novarious pause, a reaction that gave him a start when he realized that Veghard could elicit such a response from him. Veghard continued to steadily regard him, until something in his body language satisfied the squat and Vegard turned from him. While doing so, Veghard reached to the lasgun that was stowed on the side of his backpack. A quick tug pulled the weapon from its stowed position and he offered it to Abelard.

“This is Gracie”, Veghard said to Abelard. “She’ll do you right if you remember a couple things. One. She’s not your standard issue. She’s my work. So if you’re rough, she won’t fire for you.”

As Abelard took possession of the weapon, Veghard’s hand continued to caress the lasgun as he explained the modifications done.

“Two. Her range is better than that excuse you called a firearm. Use the scope for anything beyond a block or two. Three. She’ll get warm to the touch, so don’t panic. Finally, she cycles faster that what you’re used to. Which means that I don’t want you to waste energy spraying like you were shown in training.”, Veghard explained what he had done to the lasgun, and finished with a cold tone that caused the boy’s face to pale and send a shiver of remembrance down Novarious’s spine.

“You will not lose Gracie. You will not hurt Gracie. You will tend her before you care for yourself. If she touches dirt or water, you will be punished for it and if you do lose her, she will be the last thing you lose. She is your wife now, so treat her as such, but I am still her father and I reserve a father’s right to protect his daughter. Do you understand me?”

While the trooper nodded vigorously, Novarious could hear the echo of the training cadre officers drilling weapon care into him and his fellow aspirants and the punishments dealt to those who failed to maintain weapon discipline and care.
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-16-15, 04:13 PM
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clip was used to avoid magazine being repeated too quickly.

I'm glad you said this. You wouldn't believe how many people don't know that this is a bad thing.
Huh, you learn something new everyday .

I don't have much criticism to give in this update, there's nothing that really stands out to me. Something does tell me, though, that Abelard has crossed onto a path that he can not turn away from .

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
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