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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-03-14, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Default Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories 14-11: Carnage

Welcome to the year's eleventh



For those of you that are unfamiliar with HOES, here's how it works:

Each month, there will be a thread posted in the Original Works forum for that month's HOES competition. For those of you interested in entering, read the entry requirements, write a story that fits the chosen theme and post it as a reply to the competition thread by the deadline given. Each and every member of Heresy Online is more than welcome to compete, whether your entry is your first post or your thousandth. We welcome everyone to join the family of the Fan Fiction Forum.

Once the deadline has passed, a separate voting thread will be posted, where the readers and writers can post their votes for the top three stories. Points will be awarded (3 points for 1st, 2 for 2nd, and 1 for 3rd) for each vote cast, totalled at the closure of the voting window, and a winner will be announced. The winner will have his/her story added to the Winning HOES thread and be awarded the Lexicanum's Crest award for Fiction excellence!

Theme

The idea with the theme is that it should serve as the inspiration for your stories rather than a constraint. While creative thinking is most certainly encouraged, the theme should still be relevant to your finished story. The chosen theme can be applied within the WH40K, WHF, HH, and even your own completely original works (though keep in mind, this IS a Warhammer forum) but there will be no bias as to which setting is used for your story.

As far as the theme goes, please feel free with future competitions to contact me with your ideas/proposals, especially given that my creative juices may flow a bit differently than yours. All I ask is that you PM me your ideas rather than posting them into the official competition entry/voting threads to keep posts there relevant to the current competition.

Word Count

The official word count for this competition will be 1,000 words. There will be a 10% allowance in this limit, essentially giving you a 900-1,100 word range with which to tell your tale. This is non-negotiable. This is an Expeditious Story competition, not an Epic Story nor an Infinitesimal Story competition. If you are going to go over or under the 900-1,100 word limit, you need to rework your story. It is not fair to the other entrants if one does not abide by the rules. If you cannot, feel free to PM me with what you have and I'll give suggestions or ideas as to how to broaden or shorten your story.

Each entry must have a word count posted with it. Expect a reasonably cordial PM from me (and likely some responses in the competition thread) if you fail to adhere to this rule. The word count can be annotated either at the beginning or ending of your story, and does not need to include your title.

Without further ado...

The theme for this month's competition (for the second time) is:

Carnage

Entries should be posted in this thread, along with any comments that the readers may want to give (and comments on stories are certainly encouraged in both the competition and voting threads!) 40K, 30K, WHF, and original universes are all permitted (please note, this excludes topics such as Halo, Star Wars, Forgotten Realms, or any other non-original and non-Warhammer settings). Keep in mind, comments are more than welcome! If you catch grammar or spelling errors, the writers are all more than free to edit their piece up until the close of the competition, and that final work will be the one considered for voting. Sharing your thoughts with the writers as they come up with their works is a great way to help us, as a FanFiction community, grow as a whole.

The deadline for entries is Midnight GMT, 30 November 2014
. Remember, getting your story submitted on 22nd will be just as considered by others as one submitted on 11th! Take as much time as you need to work on your piece! Any entries submitted past the deadline will not be considered in the competition, regardless of whether the voting thread is posted or not.

Additional Incentive
If simply being victorious over your comrades is not enough to possess you to write a story, there will be rep rewards granted to those that participate in the HOES Challenge.

Participation - 1 reputation points, everyone will receive this
3rd place - 2 reputation points
2nd place - 3 reputation points
1st place - 4 reputation points and Lexicanum's Crest

If you have any questions, feel free to ask in this thread.

Without further nonsense from me, let the writing begin!

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-27-14, 08:13 PM
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Default Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories 14-11: Carnage

Here is my first HOES entry ever.

Mind War
Word Count: 1008

Amatheri was led by the humans through the dense under growth. They had walked for nearly an hour but they had made little progress due to the clumsy nature of the humans. Amatheri had walked many forests but at greater speed and without disturbing even the smallest leaf. The sons of the corpse-emperor cut their way through the forest like brutes, and brutes they where, leaving a trail of destruction behind them. Only orks do more damage when walking, Amatheri thought.

Amatheri had been captured, but to see the mon-keighs fumble around him as they led him, light-footed over any obstacle, made him feel free. Even with his hands cuffed he had more grace than the humans.

Behind his back, some dead metal held his wrists together. He could feel it’s weight but nothing more, it was dead unlike the psychoreactive substances he was used to. He was a Striking Scorpion of the Bloodied Shadows and he knew that anything that happened to him would happen to the humans a thousand fold.

The humans soon found their way into a newly cleared road. The tracks of heavy vehicles cut through the soil, despoiling root and rock of the ancient maiden world. Like a ragged wound it ran through the forest. Amatheri had been forced to remove his war helm and the sights that met him, with every step of the way, angered him greatly. Every fibre ached with the rage of Khaine, screaming for vengence. He wished the humans dead, not just lifeless but utterly despoiled like the planet they despoiled.

Amatheri closed his eyes, he did not need them to walk. His every sense was atuned with the world around him and for walking he only needed his feet. He pictured himself in the midst of the enemy. The mon-keighs stumbling around him with their crude lasguns held across their chests. He made the vision move slowly, as he was looking at each human individualy. These brutes expressed nothing but fear of him and he hated them back for their weakness.

In his vision he heard the hiss of shurikens and the first humans sank to the ground around him as blood erupted from their bodies. The other humans turned in every direction to face the aggressors, only for a second wave of shurikens finding their backs and necks. Lasfire erupted in blind fury into the surrounding bushes. Amatheri still walked with the flash of lasers impacting against trunks across his eyelids. The smell of blood and damp soils played in his nostils and the shouts of the humans intruded upon his ears.

Then the sound of chainswords could be heard from the forest on both side of the road and almost two dozen of striking scorpions emerged from the shadows. The humans twisted, turned and fired their lasguns but few hit their mark. Then the sudden sting of fine lasers as the mandiblasters ignited while the scropions closed the gap in a few strides. More humans fell to the ground as the scorpions launched themself into a melee.

Still walking, Amatheri pictured a scorpion run in from his right, slaying one human with his shuriken while his chainsword cut the neck of another. He turned to face a third human as it levelled his rifle towards him. The soldier fired, but he was already moving; the lasbeam hissed past, taking another human in the back. All around him the scene of humans beeing cut down by shurikens, chainswords and laser.

He could see a scorpion wielding two chainswords dance like a hurricane of death through the mon-keighs. His wrist mounted shurikens spitting more death into those who where out of reach of his swords. The excarch killed without hesitation, no regret. A kaleidoscope of laserbeams danced around his elusive form. Behind him more scorpions joined in slaying humans who where stunned by fear and awe in equal measure.

Amatheri felt someone bump in to him from behind and he lost his step for a slight moment. Putting one knee down into the mud beneath he felt sadness rush from the world into his mind. Without looking he was walking again with his next stride. Who ever pushed him from behind would be thinking twice before he did it again.

The paniced voices of the humans started to die out in his mind and there could not be many of them left, Amatheri thought. A slight releaf filled his mind and he took in a deep breath of the virgin air.

But there was something different with the air. He could taste a hint of iron and ozone on his lips. More of his senses return to reality and he could no longer hear the humans stumble around him. He opened his eyes.

He was standing still on the road but no one was infront of him. He turn to face the direction he had come with the humans only to see the remains of his captors. Laying the the pools of their own blood, there were no sign of movment. Without his war helm he could feel a shiver of joy fighting it’s way into consience. He allowed himself a small smile to the vision before him, nearly one hundred bodies laid on the road and around it. Some had tried to run but had only managed a few steps into the bushes before being killed. Khaine screamed with delight through Amatheris veins and he forced himself to close his eyes for a few heart beats to regain control of himself.

Amatheri then freed himself from the shackles, a feat he had no intent to let any human witness. He walked into the field of battle and retrieved his war helm from the human who had taken it. He put it on and the feelings of joy disapeared. He caught a movement among the trees to his left. He turned and saw the helm of a scorpion standing there, he noded towards Amatheri. Amatheri returned the gesture silently and walked away from the carnage around him.

Good to be green

Barks Dakka Ladz: W3-D2-L3
Altansar Eldar: W3-D0-L2


Last edited by Moriouce; 12-01-14 at 07:37 AM.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-29-14, 10:35 PM
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First contact (1064 words excluding title)

It was well into the second hour of the battle when the order finally came to advance. Hera and her squadmates had been waiting at the forward command post, watching as other soldiers were being sent towards the frontline. Marner had at one point cursed loudly as yet another squad disappeared into the maze of streets, but thankfully lieutenant Trost had not heard him.

But now he stood before them, and the squad rose to salute. ”Third platoon is requesting reinforcements”, he said. ”Link up with them in Sigma sector.” He pointed. Smoke rose above the roofs of the hab blocks in the distance, masking the silhouette of the curtain wall that loomed beyond. ”Cassander, Luceus, you each take two belts of stubber ammo with you.”

”Sir!” They saluted. Hera saw wide grins on both Marner and Bansha as they moved out.

Hab blocks dominated this part of the hive, buildings no taller than five stories. The streets were empty, though time and again a chatter of distant gunfire would roll down from the front. Hera set a brisk pace, marching her squad swiftly down the straight alleyways to the sound of ammo belts clinking against Luceus's and Cassander's broad backs.

"There!" Bansha called out suddenly. "Did you see? Over by the wall."

Marner lifted his lasgun. ”What?”

”Something in the air”, she said, pointing eagerly. ”Do tyranids fly?”

Hera looked, but with the smoke it was hard to tell if there was anything moving up there. "They never said anything about tyranids flying", Luceus muttered as he craned his thick neck to see.

"Well, what if they do?" Bansha threw back. Hera frowned at that. They were all cadets in the final year of their training, all of them meant for junior command. Their schooling had never given them more than rudimentary knowledge of the tyranids.

"That is not for us to discuss", she snapped. "We know all we need to know, and trust the Emperor and our betters to provide the rest. Understood, cadet?" Bansha gave her a sullen look. It chafed at Hera to discipline her like this, to order around the friends she'd known for several years - but she had been appointed squad leader, and if her superiors deemed her worthy of that task then that was all there was to it.

"I second that, squad leader", Marner said. "We just go in there and kill them, just like with every other xeno. Eradicate them." She knew he was grinning - he always was when he talked like that. Rumour had spread quickly enough about Marner, and his family in Vander's Keep. The city had been the first to fall during the tyranids' initial offensive, and casualty reports were still coming in. Since then, Marner seldom spoke other than on the subject of killing tyranids.

A sudden burst of gunfire split the air. Soon others joined in; the cracks of lasguns and staccato rythm of stubbers echoed off the facades.

”Someone is having fun”, Luceus remarked.

”Great”, Marner spat. ”I bet you the battle is already won. I bet you that because Trost held us back we won't get even one look at the enemy, let alone any share of the glory.”

Hera pondered that for a moment. ”Alright, squad”, she decided, ”at the double!”

Bansha whooped with delight as they picked up their pace. Luceus chuckled at her. As the sounds of the battle ahead intensified the five cadets ran towards it. ”Let's move, let's move!” Hera heard herself shout as they rounded a corner. The gunfire was close now, a mere few blocks away.

”Well, this one's no flyer...”, they heard Luceus say. Hera abruptly halted and turned as two ammo belts clattered to the ground.

Luceus was still upright, but he was bleeding. Through his broad chest a single scythelike claw protruded. His eyes were fixed on its owner, a thing lurking half-hidden in a side alley. It had caught him as he ran past.

Bansha let out a confused little sound. ”Hera”, Cassander said in a low voice, ”what do we do?”

”Uhm...” The thing hissed. It's claw came out and Luceus flopped to the ground, unmoving.

”What do we do, Hera?”

She felt, more than saw, that there were others, even as the first tyranid drew back into the shadows of the alley.

”Kill it!” Marner screamed. ”Kill them all!” He sprang up, lasgun at the ready, and began firing into the alley. A window exploded two stories up as a second tyranid dove out towards him, even as Bansha shot at two others emerging from a doorway.

”Ambush!” Cassander yelled. His lasgun cracked of a burst at the closest, felling it. Bansha shrieked and scrambled backwards, but was caught and pulled down as a tyranid leapt onto her. Marner turned and charged at it even as her screams turned into a wet gurgle. Hera lifted her gun, stepping forward, but Cassander grabbed her.

”No good” he breathed into her ear. ”Let's go.”

She stumbled at first, but followed him as he drew her back down the street. Marner was on his knees, wrestling against one of the things with his lasgun in between. Hera could see what would happen even before the others circled him and stabbed down with their claws. She thought she heard him say one last word. ”Bastards...”

”Hera?” Cassander's voice was at her ear again. ”Fire.”

They had won themselves some open ground between themselves and the xenos. As the tyranids turned their eyes on them Cassander's lasgun cracked, and before she knew it Hera was shooting too. The tyranids moved fast, incredibly fast, low and nimble like hunters. Hera's blood ran cold as she saw one curl up to leap at them, but Cassander blew out it's leg beneath it. The rest abruptly slunk back off the street, hissing.

”Where did they...?” she began, panting.

”Doesn't matter. Look.”

The junction up ahead was filling with soldiers, moving down towards them. Away from the lines, Hera realised.

”It's third platoon”, she said. Something, out of sight, roared. Soldiers ran as fast as they could, pursued by shrieks and hissing and the desperate sound of gunfire. A wall suddenly crumbled and a monster burst into view, dwarfing everyone around it.

And just like that, everything changed.

Last edited by YeOldeGrandma; 11-30-14 at 08:53 PM.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-30-14, 08:41 PM
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Some comments on Mind War, by Moriouce:

I was a bit sceptical at first when I saw your big block of text - I am used to reading fiction with more spacing in between, and from what I have gathered from most online fiction that's usually the norm.

However, your setting and premise is really cool. You manage to illustrate the conflict between humans and eldar in a way that's not the usual "bolterporn"-way. The insight into the eldar mind was really cool as well, and I think you pulled it off well. The grim tone of 40k is definitely there as well. And I can tell that you have a sense for cool imagery.
Quote:
The excarch killed without hesitation and a kaleidoscope of laserbeams danced around his elusive form.
But you could really benefit from some polishing. The text is filled with basic quibbles and mistakes that jarred as I read them.

You repeat words too often, for example the word "human" (whatever happened to "mon-keigh"?). If you read through it and change some words for some fitting synonyms, much would be gained.

There is a certain clunkiness to the writing as well. Regarding the above quote from your story, I feel the ending, "his elusive form" to add just too many words to a sentence that you want to be short and sweet (because it's action), yet poignant enough to make an impression (which I'd argue that the phrase "kaleidoscope of laserbeams danced" does). I'd do it like:
Quote:
The excarch killed without hesitation as a kaleidoscope of lasbeams danced around him.
This passage is another good example (and an example of repeated word use):
Quote:
He turned to face a third human as the human tuned his rifle towards him but as he fired the scorpion was no longer there and he instead fired into the back of one of his comrades.
This is an actionpacked scene, and should feel as one as I read it. Try something like:
Quote:
He turned to face a third human as it levelled his rifle towards him. The soldier fired, but he was already moving; the lasbeam hissed past, taking another human in the back.
There is some unnecessary use of incomplete sentences as well. Example:
Quote:
He could se a scorpion wielding two chainswords dancing like a hurricane of death through the humans. His wrist mounted shurikens spitting more death into those who where out of reach of his swords.
This technique has its uses for evoking a certain pacing, but I'd say it's not here.

A short spell-check should sort out the few spelling mistakes there are.

Please do not be put down by my comments. As I said, I think your story has a lot of promise, and could be made to shine with only a few basic tweaks (which had nothing to do with the plot or the characters or anything like that - it's only the purely mechanical bits). I realise also that this is your first entry (and perhaps your first fan-fiction?), and experience really does make a difference to one's writing. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Last edited by YeOldeGrandma; 11-30-14 at 08:52 PM.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-01-14, 06:38 AM
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Default Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories 14-11: Carnage

@YeOldeGrandma
Thanks alot for the comments! I'll consider your points and add more spacing, look at some spelling, sentence build and synonyms. Thanks for liking the plot and setting.

As you said it is my first real go at fan-fiction and on top off that english ain't my firat language. Because of this I knew that I would get comments on it. Thanks again!

Good to be green

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Altansar Eldar: W3-D0-L2

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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-03-14, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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