Vengeance and familarity. - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-03-14, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
Cruel Commissar
 
Beaviz81's Avatar
Beaviz81's Flag is: Norway
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 856
Reputation: 6
Default Vengeance and familarity.

The year is 257M42, Zachary Carrus and Michelle Ionza are at their respective peaks as Commissar-Techriach and Commissar-Interrogator respectively (I might write more here).

Vengeance and familiarity.

The Inquisitorial Coven was set. The High-Inquisitor sat robed at his terrifying throne which had made more than one mere mortal which had been brought before it tremble with true terror as he or she had gazed upon the golden arm-chaired chair which perched upon it was a figure of terrifying proportions sat in a suit of golden powered armour with two huge powered fists on it. He had a bald head with chiseled features.

Before the dark steps in front of his throne were a quivering prisoner. Face heavily scarred, one eye even missing, he looked around the cowled Inquisitors who scowled at him sitting around the u-shaped steel-table. The man clad in gold stood up accusingly pointing his finger straight at the shivering man while he growled with a terrifying voice. "Death Cult Assassin Ragnar Leadback, you are called here to the Inquisitorial coven Alexandira to stand trial for your treachery at Matarra III where you..."

He trailed off as the man slobbered on the floor as the High-Inquisitor roared. "Inquisitor Pryor, read his mind." An old man with a goat-like appearance stepped forward in his black Inquisitorial robes, before long Leadback was laying writhing on the floor slobbering as his adamsapple had long since been tortured away. The old man croaked. "Nothing new my liege, he is still beyond all belief-"

Farther he didn't come before a loud bang filled the room alongside that of a few flashbangs and the roar. "Assassins spare the guards if practical, any Inquisitors resisting and you carve them into frakking fish-sticks!" Just as that was said by a harsh baritone voice several Death Cult Assassins leapt into the room. The guards put up a brief struggle before the assassins had them disarmed. Though it helped one assassin murdered an Inqusitorial Storm Troopers that cracked loose a few shots towards the approaching female assassin with absolute fury as she carved blood-eagle into him where he stood making his intestines and bones come inside out while cutting through his heavy cerapace like it was cottage-cheese and some of the Inqusitors scrambled onto their feet. The ones with psychic powers soon fell screaming to the floor with blood gushing from their orifices as something truly unnatural stepped into the room.

An assassin from the most rare of the Officio Assassinorum, the Culexus stepped into the room wearing his terrifying gear making even some of the seasoned Inquistiors tremble in fear. Behind him followed a blackclad unimpressed commissar who then yelled. "Commissar Ionza, take out the shelter!" Immediately a loud bang followed as it got very bright and all the Inquisitors dove for cover.

One landed too close to the door and the commissar gave him a savage kick bashing his face. He was dead before he landed as the commissar growled. "Monster take care of the wretched lighting-rod!" The tone which he used betrayed his pure hatred of the Culexus Assassin who just nodded and headed over to the remaining psykers. A few of the non-psykers heard he whisper some ancient words in a long forgotten language as he bent over each one. Then they saw a black stream emit from the nose, mouth, eyes and ears to the Animus Speculum balanced at the left side of his skull. Or at least that was one of the last things they swore they saw due to the madness and fear-inducing assassin in their midst.

Finally the High-Inquisitor gathered the courage to emerge from hiding behind the throne bawling out. "Who in the name of the God-Emperor dares disturbing-" The commissar getting his meltagun up as he strode through the room screamed back with his voice tethering at the edge of madness. "I frakking dare frakking High frakking Inquisitor Metellus Ephort!" Ephort's eyes widened in fear. He remembered the commissar from over one hundred years ago at the purging of Campodia IV. It had been a long and hard-fought war which had devastated the planet as they fought against the Waaagh! of Puntkilla the Arch-Killa.

He remembered vividly how the Imperial Fists under his command had protested due to his decision of blowing the planet up, especially as Commissar Techriarch Zachary Carrus had been enroute for quite a while with his legions of Skitarii which numbered in the millions. Yet the position on the planet had been unsustainable with mounting causalities of even precious Space Marines which had worried Ephort to an endless degree.

That consideration had been lost to Carrus who had boarded the Emperor battleship he had gotten for the campaign with his entourage as he glanced over to Nathan Carrus well secure that the Space Marine Veteran Sergeant standing there with chainsword and meltagun which he used as a pistol and generally had the same fighting-stance as the well-known commissar were not related at all.

Even so the universe's happiest man arrived with a shuttle from the Nemesis battleship The Wrath of Carrus. The ramp of the shuttle swung open, coming out from it in a small ball of smoke while smoking lho-rods were the commissars Carrus and Ionza. He scowled making everyone nearby nervous while the short, slender woman at his side looked practically giddy.

The Storm Troopers on duty recoiled from the horror of meeting the gaze of the commissar who seemed to could smell their nervousness as he made his way through the ship being ushered through checkpoint after checkpoint until he finally reached the bridge with his entourage.

Ephort laid for the first time in his life his eyes on Carrus and Ionza, living legends. Their eyes revealed they were stone-cold killers. He saw Ionza smile just standing a meter or two with her longlas hefted between her shoulders while she smoked. The tales of her beauty had not been in excess. Behind them both stood Skitarii Praetorians, human in only the loosest of terms. They were living weapon-platforms, each weighing in at tons with multiple heavy weaponry jutting out in different direction. This was in the mind of Carrus the ultimate human being, even Ephort recoiled in horror for what the angelic-looking Techriarch envisioned for the future through the Skitarii Pratorians.

Carrus then opened his mouth to speak in his harsh baritone voice. "High-Inquisitor I have gotten the legions of Skitarii assembled, I'm sorry for the detour, but we needed to beat back that Tyranid-infestation at Grateng II." Ephort's eyes narrowed as he said. "How dare you speak to me like-" Carrus smashed his fist into the steel-table denting it growling. "My loyalty is to the High-Inquisitors Selpid and Zuma not you, so watch your frakking tongue lest you will lose it to their head-enforcer!"

Before the matter could come to a head as Carrus were spoiling for a fight Ionza stepped between her husband with a crooked smile purring softly. "We are all friends here, ain't we High-Inquisitor? *She then stepped over to her hard-faced husband letting a black leather-clad hand slide across his cheek gently while she said.* You are not here to fight, at least not the High-Inquisitor commissar Carrus, you are here to bust Orks." Ephort retorted. "We will pursue the Orks, Campodia IV is no more." Ionza turned around, her smile had evaporated as she asked. "What do you mean Campodia IV is no more High-Inquisitor?"
-

Ephort blankly stated. "I judged the infestation of Orks as too much to handle and had the planet against the advice of my Imperial Fist-advisers Exterminatus Extermis commissar, but this is about as much explanation you will get from me." Carrus roared in rage as Ionza dodged to the side raising his meltagun screaming. "You piece of frakking shit! I was on the way, I even assigned my frakking son here for you to not frak up this defense. You have destroyed fifteen planets by you refusal to stay frakking put!" He took aim but his long speech gave Nathan time to rip the meltagun from his arms and throw it away in the bridge-room before the commissar could discharge his weapon.

He could not however hinder Zachary in drawing and activating his chainsword as he almost immediately had his own whirring in his hand. Zachary moved faster and with more agility than his bulk and heavy armour should allow, yet his superhumanly fast combat-combos were easily deflected by the Space Marine as the only thing the commissar had on his side were experience and even that was a sketchy claim for the commissar as the Imperial Fist moved in practiced, boring and practical ways trying to lure the commissar into committing a mistake while the whirring chainswords met in sparks of fire and lightning as the Space marine called out. "Leave him to me boys, I know how to handle my father!"

The commissar just snarled launching another vicious offensive spin with his chainsword which met his son's in sparks of fire as Nathan saw an opening brutally smashing into the body of his father bringing him off balance. Before Zachary had recovered the son went in throwing away his chainsword in one smooth action forcing his father to loose his grip on the chainsword while he hindered his father from getting out one of his many monofilament knives as he pinned him to the wall saying. "I think you shall calm down now dad." Zachary glanced into the eyes of the helmet his son wore, it betrayed no feelings. He nodded as his ferocity left him.

"Brothers Remy and Klirian escort the commissar to the brig." Nathan called out as two Imperial Fists in non-adorned yellow power armour stepped forward soon handcuffing Zachary Carrus while they removed a shocking amounts of knives from him which they laid carefully at the navigation-table he had just dented. Ionza hefted her longlas as Nathan signaled for her to follow her husband who soon was being led away by the Space Marines in shackles just as Ephort hissed to him. "I want that commissar killed, do you understand me Astartes? I want him killed today." Nathan Carrus carefully removed his helmet taking a step back drawing his meltagun pointing it straight at the High-Inquisitor as he growled. "My father is a cruel and vicious man, but nothing compared to you High-Inquisitor as you never heeded any advise from neither me nor my men when we advised caution. Which is why I alerted him."

The High-Inquisitor's face went through a few colors as he saw his chief bodyguard suddenly turn on him aiming his meltagun straight at him before he said. "You know who I am-" Carrus cut him off. "Perfectly well, but as with my parents my loyalty is with the High-Inquisitors Selpid and Zuma. I only protected you because I don't believe my dad would get away with killing another High-Inquisitor this year."

He glanced surprised over at Ionza who stood there leaning at her longlas just regarding the scene with a serene smile at her mouth as the Imperial Fists that had followed Nathan Carrus had spread out in such a manner that they easily could overpower the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers following Ephort as she heard Ephort say. "You have betrayed the Emperor and the Imperium of Mankind Astartes." Carrus just shook his head retorting as he started to briskly lead the High-Inquisitor from the bridge. "No High-Inquisitor I have betrayed you just like you betrayed my trust. If you ever approaches the Phalanx I will personally see through that you are placed in the pain-glove at the Tertius-setting for over an hour for you cruelty and incompetence High-Inquisitor." He led the nodding man down the hallways with scared Storm Troopers seeing the face of the commissar they feared the most as the face of an Astertes an Angel of the Emperor firmly at gunpoint guiding Ephort through the different checkpoints knowing full and well this was the firstborn he was so proud of.

They were rapidly ushered through as the voice of Ionza could be heard on the speakers on the ship. "This is Commissar-Interrogator Michelle Ionza, the holy Inquisition of the Ordos Malleus and Xenos with the backing of the Explorator Fleet 666 has taking control of this most blessed vessel of the Emperor and Omnissiah. So resume your duties ladies and gentlemen as we are now heading for war with the most vile Orks." Ephort heard what the small woman said as he glanced worried over at Carrus still keeping his meltagun trained at him stating. "You know what you just did? You..." He trailed off as they reached a window, out in the vast emptiness of space he saw a truly colossal fleet of Imperial warships, except none were from the Imperial Navy, they were all from the Adeptus Mechanicus. He paused watching them drift by signifying the glory Zachary Carrus had built up over the years.

Nathan looked Ephort sternly into his eyes as he said. "My father is eight hours from being freed and ordering your death High-Inquisitor, use this shuttle *He pointed straight at the black shuttle standing in the hangar.* and never look back." Ephort protested. "This craft is hardly capable of flying through the warp." Carrus nodded as he retorted. "I'm bending far to avoid breaking my oath of not killing you, but I have by preventing my father from killing you endangered his life, so I will only give you a very slim chance to get away, the craft can survive a month in the warp on half rations so best of luck to you Ephort, you as my dad would say you frakking need it."

The last thing Ephort saw as he walked up the ramp on this vessel was the Space Marine making a stiff military salute to him.

My story about the commissars Zachary Carrus and Michelle Ionza and their life and crimes https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=123690
Beaviz81 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-03-14, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
Cruel Commissar
 
Beaviz81's Avatar
Beaviz81's Flag is: Norway
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 856
Reputation: 6
Default

The flashback was gone, standing in front of him was a rather not happy commissar that grinned at him in pure anger making his angelic face split up in the most vicious of grins as he crooked his head a little to the side squealing. "Did you remember our last meeting High-Inquisitor? When you told me you had condemned fifteen billion souls and I later learned my adopted daughter had been executed by you told to me by my frakking son?"

Ephort lunged after Carrus who just dodged his blow as his hands went inside his greatcoat coming out with a monofilament knife in each hand as he screamed. "Personally executed by you!" He grunted as Ephort lunged after him again before he struck like a viper spearing one of his knives through the armpit making it jut out on the other side just below where the pauldron began making Ephort scream in pain as Carrus tugged on his robe making him tumble off balance before his second knife bit deep near the neck incapacitating his second arm.

Carrus grinned a grin of pure evil as he got up spitefully walking over to the surviving Inquisitors as he drew his black barbaric chainsword with skull-guard as he said. "Psychopath, turn off your frakking Animus Speculum before I cleave you in half as my assassins are getting a bit twitchy!" The superhuman immediately nodded turning it off as he said with a soft, smooth voice. "My apologies commissar-" Carrus just dismissed him giving him his customary death-glare as he raised his hand telling the assassin to shut the frak up saying. "Return to your cell at once Monster, and don't speak with anyone. I will come and fetch you if I need you." He glared with hate-filled eyes after the lanky assassin remembering every needless killing the assassin had done under his command.

Carrus for his part got a Death Cult Assassin to bring him an Inquistor that tried to struggle, only to swiftly get stabbed in his knees for his troubles before the barbaric chainsword hit home with a cruel noise as it easily chewed through the neck of the struggling human in front of him. "That's Inquisitor Hammer. *His voice got higher as he roared.* Fetch me the next one, this one seems to be broken!" Just as he launched into maniacal laughter heaving back with the whirring chainsword in his hands before he spat on the body.

Just as he did that the lithe, petite, curvy, blackhaired woman that had so brutally slayed the Storm Trooper strode towards him as she made a stiff salute while Carrus stopped smiling at her deactivating his chainsword returning the salute as she said. "I hope my work was up for the task Grandmas- *Carrus' eyes hardened.* Commissar." She glanced nervously up at him while he smiled more mercifully back saying. "Of course it is satisfactory my dear daughter." He closed his eyes sighing. "Have I ever told you you remind me so much about your step-sister Annika Angerboda?" She nodded a bit tired as she said. "Yeah each day since I could remember."

Carrus just smiled saying before he ignited a lho-rod. "I so wish for your mother to see what a fine assassin you have turned into, and one day you might be able to challenge me for the mastership." A glint of challenge emitted from the small woman's eyes as Carrus turned around before spinning around facing her catching her blow mid-air with his chainsword as he calmly said while she groaned under the pressure of his blow recoiling away. "One day, not today of course."

Just as he said that Ionza entered the room hefting with her a heavy Exitus-rifle roughly the size of herself with a small smirk across her face stating as assassins all but jumped aside. "Your mother saw it all through her scope, you did fine my Shadow of Death. And commissar Carrus execute these wretches as you finally have the go from the Inquisitorial conclave of the High-Inquisitors of the Ciralix-sector!" She smiled with a half-smoked lho-rod in her mouth, her long black hair beautifully encased her pretty face as she glanced over her brute of a husband who immediately started to behead Inquisitors.

Gemma tugged on the greatcoat of Carrus just as he executed the third Inquisitor letting his head fly off as his chainsword angrily ate through flesh and bone while the girl pointed to Leadback. Ionza pitilessly looked into his eyes eyeing the broken body up and down as she drew her laspistol taking the stance to perform an execution as she snapped back the hammer making everyone in the room stand at attention as Angerboda sprang forward saying. "Mother can't you please spare him?"

Ionza glared pitilessly into her eyes as Carrus came up behind her giving her his laspistol retorting. "You plead for his life my dear daughter, now you must grant him the Emperor's Peace." The young woman looked scared into the eyes of Ionza who just nodded as Carrus breathed into her ear. "You have done this many-" Farther he didn't come as the young woman discharged his weapon hissing back. "Stupid test my Grandmaster and Grandmistress!" She slammed the pistol into the ground walking away in a huff leaving her parents behind as she literally sprouted ice with how she said Grandmaster and Grandmistress.

Carrus bent down picking up his pistol, anyone else and Ionza would have sat her laspistol on lobotomize and then would have pulled the trigger, but not with Angerboda. She was their headstrong daughter. Small and agile with a volatile temper, she just strolled past the rest of the Death Cult Assassins who made ample room for the Princess of Death as she silently walked by in her tight syncskin.

Carrus leaned in whispering to Ionza. "He was tapping her? Right?" Ionza just nodded as Carrus growled lowly. "Why do you not tell me about this until their wed-" Ionza growled back interrupting him. "Because you would Skitarii him on the spot, but we should not discuss stuff infront of the children." With that she began to lead him away as a heavily armoured Kriegsman approached just slamming open his gasmask revealing his pale, unassuming face with blue piercing eyes to the commissars as he saluted them growling out. "Colonel 1.999.789.756.343 reporting in. The dissidents has been subdued with five causalities to us and ten in return."

Ionza bored her cold brown eyes into his saying. "Tell me you gave them chances to surrender, since these causalities sounds-" Just there she heard the mighty clamps only the boots of Space Marines could bring and she saw the powered suit of her oldest son heavily adorned now as he was now a full Deathwatch Commander came forward as Carrus himself walked towards him checking his meltagun.

Carrus voiced with mild surprise in his voice as he strode forward to salute. "I know the armour is supposed to be baroque my son, but this is well decorated." Nathan just answered while he repeated the salute while he was totally stone-faced. "I'm a Deathwatch commander now dad." Carrus just furrowed his brow as he said. "What happened to Swarcofski Nate? He was after all a dependable ally and good commander." Nathan remaining stone-faced whispered. "High praise coming from you dad, if I didn't know any better I would accuse you of being someone else and try to remove that stupid mask. As for himself he is now a Dreadnought."

Ionza heard her son whisper to her husband and quickly said to the colonel. "Colonel 343, you are dismissed, carry on as you see fit." He stiffly saluted her which she returned before she came over to her son and husband whispering as she saluted her son. "You are saying Watchcommander Swarcofski has ceased to exist as a Space Marine?" Nathan nodded as he said. "He was interred into the Dreadnought due to we winning the majority of the votes by one." Ionza just whispered back. "I'm sorry for that, but honored you cast the deciding vote Nathan." Nathan just shook his head bluntly stating in his whispering voice. "I did not cast the deciding vote, and why did you address the colonel by his number mum? Isn't that a bit cold for you? I mean I would have expected such antics from dad but not from you."

The petite woman giggled gently as the Space Marine also heard Carrus snicker before Ionza said. "Actually they came up with that idea themselves by accident. Me and Carrus were reading out-loud some transfer-letters which had the service-numbers listed before the names, and they stepped forward when hearing their service-numbers ending with me asking a captain if they wanted to be addressed by their service-numbers instead of their names. And he said 'By the Emperor that would be the highest honor as we are faceless individuals in servitude to the Emperor on the Golden Throne.'."

Carrus stood there smirking before he went a step to the side leaning into the doorway as he yelled. "Mycroft make sure the Assassins kills off the Inquisitors and drag the High Inquisitor with you I want to put him through the nine actions!" Mycroft a tall and slender teenager with some freckles nodded and barked out some orders as Carrus leaned back with a bleak expression as he said. "Frak take you boy, you cost the Imperium of Mankind and the Adeptus Mechanicus millions of lives letting this man go over one hundred years ago." Nathan hanged his head in shame without answering though Ionza was more forgiving as she gently stroked his chin stating. "Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't know that the High-Inquisitor knew about a lost STC as Carrus hadn't yet shared that information even with me."

Carrus just snorted out. "You don't share everything with me commissar Ionza, so I don't share everything with you and the quest for knowledge take presidence when it comes to me and I have delivered for them since I was a wee boy at fourteen." Nathan nodded stating as his parents smoked their lho-rods. "I have heard that tale many times dad, I have never shared it nor told that mum's first kill was not a Genestealer either. But I really want to discuss your way of addressing the Kriegsmen. I mean they seriously want to be addressed as numbers." Carrus stretched as he replied. "Yes my firstborn, they want to be regarded as numbers. It was a frakking hassle churning through the officers weeding out the too gung-ho ones."

Nathan nodded stating. “I've worked with Kriegsmen myself, they are very similar to my Brother-Space Marines all full of determination and sacrfice though so easy to lead if I get it straight as I have done in my year as a Brother-Captain of the Deathwatch.”

Ionza nodded while smoking before she said. "It's quite the grande news that you became a Deathwatch Commander. What happened?" Nathan just shrugged saying. "I was chosen because I neither wanted not sought the office. It also helped the captains hate each other with the exception of me. *He turned briskly to Ionza looking her plainly into her eyes with his shimmering blue eyes meeting while he said.* Thank you mum for the gift of diplomacy and a cool head during stressful moments."

Carrus looked more skeptical at his wife and son as he said. "Isn't it hard keeping the peace between the different Astartes Nathan?" Nathan just shook his head expressing. "Negative dad, I tend to accentuate the common goals and most of the problems goes away. And then I can keep them at them away from each other lending one to an Inquisitor loyal to High-Inquisitor Selpid or have they swear oaths to me and have a risk of being executed by the senior Space Marine at the mission if they are considered too cruel. And it doesn't hurt being able to name-drop you two as you *He pointed straight to Carrus* is the rabid attack-grox of High-Inquisitor Selpid and you *He pointed to Ionza.* is the cold assassin of High-Inquisitor Zuma."

Carrus looked angrily back as he muttered. "I'm not a frakking tool!" Nathan immediately cut in. "Your infamous anger dad, man even my Brother-Astartes balks before facing that temper.” Carrus for his part glanced more worried back at his unsmiling son who just continued. “Your temper dad has not been wasted on me as I channel your rage in battle when I'm fighting lets say a Tyranid or some other abomination several times my size. Never mind how it helps when I have to settle matters amogst my captains using your favorite hobby as a threat dad.”

Carrus looked in wonder on his son stating. “My firstborn, you certainly know the Imperial press have listed that as my interests it's duealing, gambling, swearing and my wife when the list should actually be frakking inverted.” Ionza snickered as Nathan said. “I remember when growing up my mates always wondered why I did not laugh or smile even when having you as my dad.”

Carrus grolwed back. “I Can't believe through over a million credits figuring that out by the useless frakking shrinks.” Nathan spoke plainly. “I don't blame you for that one dad even though I always said I were fine as you did what any responsible father would have done especially with your firstborn son.”

Ionza gently just said. “Its an oddity how our sons all have been inducted into the Imperial Fists.” She sounded pleasant enough, but the scent she and Carrus gave off were of pure hatred clinging to their bodies like stale sweat. He knew that in a better universe where the Space Marines weren't needed anymore with them in charge his parent chapter would be the first thing they would exterminate as such were their hatred against the Space Marines in general and the Imperial Fists in special due to them having lost over twenty sons to them, yet only three had returned not in coffins, and of those only he had intimate contact with them.

He still said. “I'm just wondering about two Space Marines that has contacted me few decades in between.” Carrus said as he smoked. “Name them Nate.” Nathan nodded and said. “Obelix Ivanovic and Martin Berg, I never get much from either. They say they know you two, and something strange happens while I suddenly have the choice between mind-scrubbing my Deathwatch Space Marines or keeping them under wraps with the threat of if they breathe a word about what happened there or the implication is that the entire fortress would be exterminated.”

Ionza butted in. “You should heed their words. They tends to be tight-lipped? Yes?” Nathan nodded stating. “They reveal to me they are black shields and that they are a Librarian and Techmarine plus their names and that they know you two. After that the interview ends.” Ionza smirked saying. “Just as well Nate, you don't want to dig up this truth.” Nathan said. “I sense this matter is better not discussed, at least I can soothe my captains with the news, and mentioning you at least as I suspected have your hands in this matter.”

Carrus scracthed his head stating. “I was under the impression I'm a wild-card when it came to Astartes or anyone.” Nathan said calmly. “But you are dad, I'm talking about mum. She is generally trusted and well-loved by pretty much everyone that has crossed her path as none of my captains have expressed any wish to kill her though it would be very unwise to do so.”

Carrus looked sheepishly up at his son as he asked. “Might I inquire why Nate?” Nathan calmly answered. “Because I would as my dad would say tear the culprit a few more ortifices in a very personal duel to the death just like dad likes to do.” Carrus looked a bit hurt as he exclaimed. “I don't duel often as told already as most people I just turn into Skitarii and make up answers later if they cross me unless they are too old.”

Nathan nodded as he in the corner in his eye saw his fellows from the Deathwatch saying. “It was a pleasure meeting you both mum and dad, but duty calls and I must go now commissars.” Both immediately made stiff salutes to him without a word as he made one back before he walked towards his fellow Asartes.

My story about the commissars Zachary Carrus and Michelle Ionza and their life and crimes https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=123690
Beaviz81 is offline  
post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-04-14, 11:26 PM
Senior Member
 
Myen'Tal's Avatar
Myen'Tal's Flag is: USA
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 626
Reputation: 58
Default

Love the beginning, Beavis, didn't expect a storming by some old characters . Over all, I liked what I read, though I do have some suggestions for you.

1. Imperial Fists mainly recruit from Terra, or so I think. If that ever gets brought up, Carrus' sons should be have been sent to Terra for recruitment.

2. Space Marines usually cut all family ties the day they are recruited, I see you've already written a good deal with Nathan being involved, so I guess I'm just pointing that out .

3. I haven't brought this up till now, because English may not be your first language. You have a tendency to create long run-on sentences. I think you've been improving, but if you ever want any help, you can always pm me . Not trying to tell you how to write or anything, just trying to help.

Looking forward to more!

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
Myen'Tal is offline  
 
post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-04-14, 11:44 PM Thread Starter
Cruel Commissar
 
Beaviz81's Avatar
Beaviz81's Flag is: Norway
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 856
Reputation: 6
Default

Thank you for the kind feedback Myen'Tal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myen'Tal View Post
1. Imperial Fists mainly recruit from Terra, or so I think. If that ever gets brought up, Carrus' sons should be have been sent to Terra for recruitment.
I addressed that in The Weapon of Choice. Nathan is recruited from Terra. They also recruit from other places like Inuit and Necromunda.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myen'Tal View Post
2. Space Marines usually cut all family ties the day they are recruited, I see you've already written a good deal with Nathan being involved, so I guess I'm just pointing that out .
The Imperial Fists actually tells people whether or not their sons made it through the trials. And with a prestigious family like the Carrus-family they would stay in contact, especially if they provide many neophytes and ample resources like the Carrus-family. Actually I'm personally more concerned with them not demanding tithes of youngsters than anything else as they are the most humble of any Space Marine-chapter as the Carrus-family can actually get off saying no. Which is why they let Carrus and Ionza get away with hating them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myen'Tal View Post
3. I haven't brought this up till now, because English may not be your first language. You have a tendency to create long run-on sentences. I think you've been improving, but if you ever want any help, you can always pm me . Not trying to tell you how to write or anything, just trying to help.
You are welcomed to do so, and privately is a great suggestion as I'm not even adept at English.

The thingy that worried me most about Nathan was that I never managed to bring out anything melancholic in him, instead he is extremely phlegmatic. Plus his father and mother is his 911-call as he showed High-Inquisitor Ephort.

My story about the commissars Zachary Carrus and Michelle Ionza and their life and crimes https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=123690

Last edited by Beaviz81; 10-04-14 at 11:55 PM.
Beaviz81 is offline  
post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-04-14, 11:56 PM
Senior Member
 
Myen'Tal's Avatar
Myen'Tal's Flag is: USA
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 626
Reputation: 58
Default

I get you, I guess I am not up to snuff on space marine background, good things to know, though . I must have missed that mentioning of Nathan being recruited from Terra, I was confusing him with Zachary in the beginning, so maybe my brain didn't think anything of it.

“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
-Glen Cook, The Black Company


Tales of Heroism and Bravery, in the 41st Millennium and the Old World. Perhaps some Realm Gate Wars in the future .

Gods' Hall (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=161618

The New Word (Completed)
https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...d.php?t=121879
Myen'Tal is offline  
Reply

  Lower Navigation
Go Back   Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums > Fiction, Art and Roleplay Game Discussion > Original Works

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome