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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-09-12, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Default Black Heart [WHF] Intro.

Hello I'm new, I'm sure you guessed that. This is my new project, I'm hoping you enjoy it and find it more wanting. I'm not great at punctuation so any notes would be great. Thanks for reading and enjoy.


Black Heart

The blood that had spilled out of the woman’s neck had thickened like honey in the shallow crevasses of the cobbled street. Her snow white skin embraced the moons a ray giving the scene a divine sense but her miasmic aura was too hard to ignore. A bloody veil lay strewn across her face hiding her deep emerald eyes, blood shot or not they were still as inviting.

“Looks like a whore denied the wrong bloke” A weasel face city guard commented as her crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall.

“Well no acutely. Her clothes are too fine a material and make to be a whore; also there are no signs of struggle or physical abuse so I suggest you keep your comments to yourself before I report you and have you look in the sewers for rat men. Got it?”

The weasel looking man took the hint and stood far away from the scene with a new sense of work pride.

“Highborn?” A rugged man spoke; he wore black leather head to foot with a cutlass at his right side and a pistol at the left.

“I doubt it, in the area alone, very doubtful.” Theo rose from one knee to talk face to face.

“What are you doing here Mortimer? Haven’t you got some beast man to go kill?”

He chuckled at the comment, “You still resent me for burning that ‘witness’?”

Theo licked his lips in anger “You knew we could have got a lot of information from the cultist but you didn’t even bother, you strung him and lit his clothes as quick as you got him out of bed.”

“You don’t realise that he could of spoken curses, spells, demon words and dammed a whole group of men. You look at things threw mortal eyes; there are things that bite you in the night, demons in your fire coals and ghosts in books. Keep your information; I give justice in the name of the Emperor and his Empire.”

“Captain Gale” A young city watchman called from a few yards away “I’ve found a piece of jewellery I think”

Theodor Gale gave a disgusted expression and turned away towards the new piece of the scene.

As he stunk down to knee level he realised it was an emblem of a chaos cult. A surge of adrenalin came as he thought about his actions, “say nothing” he whispered to the young man. He picked up the emblem and pushed it into his sleeve and dropped a handkerchief that was wedged in his glove.

“A rag nothing more.”

“Why do you let these fools anywhere near your investigations I don’t know” Mortimer snapped.

“Sometimes it good to have another view on things. Anyway I find you more useless than anything.” A grin appeared on Theo’s and the Guard’s face.

Displeased Mortimer pulled up his gloves “One day you’ll ask me for something, then you won’t have that stupid snicker.” As he turned to walk off his leather cloak wafted its antiquated smell into their faces.

“Captain, why didn’t you want him to see that jewellery?”

“Because I don’t want him anywhere near this inquest or me.” He turned his attention to the silver emblem, “Witch hunter’s, they’ll take everything you’ve got and more.”



Last edited by Dave T Hobbit; 08-03-12 at 05:48 PM.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-03-12, 06:03 PM
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An intriguing beginning; I look forward to finding out what is happening.

The layout is almost exclusively single sentence paragraphs, which breaks the tension and flow; I suggest only starting a new paragraph where there is a significant change, e.g. a new speaker or an important action. For example:
“I doubt it, in the area alone, very doubtful.” Theo rose from one knee to talk face to face. “What are you doing here Mortimer? Haven’t you got some beast man to go kill?”
Where you are using said, &c. with speech it is usual to separate with a comma. For example: “Looks like a whore denied the wrong bloke,” a weasel face city guard commented as her crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall.

You seemed to have used correctly spelled but inappropriate words in some places. For example: "Well no acutely (actually?)." and "...commented as her (he?) crossed his arms....". I suggest either reading the text through yourself after a break or asking someone else to check so you catch the issues spell-checkers miss.
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