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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-20-12, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Default Sigfried Rottenheart (unfinished)

Hi there everyone. Iam currently working on a short story, still unfinished by the way... Well express your opinions about it if you want... and please feel free to criticize the spelling and such


"Listen well, mine children, to what the messenger from the Father preaches
Give thyself to Him
All what our father offers is the truth, for all things are corruptible, withers and dies. Even your earthly love.

Forget what thou were taught by thy liar god! There is no such glory in death. All bodies rot and are eventually devoured by vermin. From the most honorable knight to the most disgraceful pariah, none are safe from decomposition. And there are neither flowered fields nor joy waiting for you after death, only darkness.

But our Father is a good father. In all His mercy, He delivers us from all the pain of such fatality. For this is the only immutable aspect of our world, death. And, by visiting us with viruses, bacteria, and all sorts of diseases, even the immutable transforms itself, giving thou eternity and communion with Him on this land.
Take heed to the one who shows you the truth. And the only thing the Father asks, is your immortal soul
And so take heed to the grim history of Sigmund Rottenheart…"

“To the south, in the lands of Sigmar, there was the hamlet of Brandenburg. Devastated by the many crusades of Chaos, particularly the ones of Nurgle, the Father of filth. There it was the humble and inexpressive Sigfried, son of Sigmund, from a long line of farmers. Sigfried had done nothing but to plow the lands of his country, the land that supported the emperor and filled his stomach

The only thing which distinguished him from other peasants was being married to the most beautiful woman of the surrounding lands. She was called Brunhild
Woman of hair as dark as night and as wavy as sea, of inversely triangular face, and fleshy lips and cheeks, and symmetrical little breasts

What drew most the attention from Brunhild, besides her beauty, was her capacity to feel what other people felt for her, even hatred, at double the intensity. That was what has taken her to terribly fall in love with an almost invisible man

...If there were someone who desired Brunhild, was Sigfried…

For Brunhild, Sigfried was capable of expelling the farmers from the surroundings with an order from the emperor himself, having convinced him of how much he loved his wife, and how much the sexual predators from the surrounding lusted for her...

Having none to take care of the newly disappropriated lands, the emperor declared Sigfried its rightful owner

Rapidly, the inexpressive farmer became a man of relatively possessions and riches, which provided Brunhild a life of comfort, peace and luxury. Luxury which she abnegated, for she did not wanted to become like the lascivious nobility which surrounded her when she was a child. Having noble blood, Brunhild was used to the intricacies of power. She knew how much in there were sex, at each door, at each corner, cheaper than the cheapest coin, lousier than the lousiest drunk.

Sigfried became a man so fulfilled, that nothing but Brunhild was in his mind.
His employees were happy with their wages. In fact there were no distinction of people in Sigfried’s lands, everyone was equal, women and man had their distinguished roles, but nevertheless, equal. For Sigmund knew how much is important relationships of any kind

Brunhild taught him every day what innocence, love, life, joy, pleasure, happiness and equality meant.

His lands were of the size of the ones from the barons of the country of Bretonnia, which, caught the attention from thieves and rival land owners.
Being of extreme mediatic effect, the love of the young couple gained the protection from a small detachment of troops of the regular army. For the emperor constantly used the couple as an efficient motivational propaganda, inciting even more fervor in the citizens to defend what they held dear

Such public attention became a matter of literature when an anonymous writer wrote the tale “The Two Angels”. Telling the story of the couple, which, like all tales, contained a great number of allegoric figures and exaggerated quantity of exceptional facts, which, contrasts with historical accuracy

Being bathed by the moonlight and accompanied by the sound of sweet breeze and the beings of the forest, the young couple had sex every night. Both asking to the cosmos for the right of the next day to be able to continue loving each other.

Wherever they went, peace, love and hope followed them, spreading all over their surroundings. When the couple interacted with another human, there were not a single heart that did not became warm and affected by such innocence

Without noticing, their words became teachings, for there were meetings practically every day in Siegfried’s house, meetings which always ended in gatherings.

It is not known for certain if all of this was work of the lord of lies, Tzeentch, for a part of the Empire became weaker, reckless and lacked commitment, for their minds bore only life and love, blinding them from the reality of the ongoing storm. But I would rather not doubt that, in some way, his hand was behind all of that. For our troops reaped their lands and slashed their muscles with great ease…

One day, when Sigfried went to a meeting with his peers, with no warning came our blessed crusade. And like sickle in wheat, his lands were reaped, burning in the blink of an eye.

...Never a man ran as fast as Sigfried ran to his burning house to see if his beloved one was safe…

All to no avail, his pregnant wife laid ripped and torn and nude on what was left the living room.

With his screams and yells, once again the forces of chaos triumphed. Once again the forces of Nurgle grew strong.
Nasgaroth, the pestilent, lieutenant of the daemon prince of the Father, Acker the Hopeless, heard the plea of Sigfried, steadily ordering his platoon to make a turn and follow to the burned farm.

Upon reaching it, Nasgaroth stood in front of the poor figure prostrated on the ground. Gazing on him, he strikes a series of kicks, saying:
-Fool human! Your race serves only as hosts to the pestilent blessings of the Father. Your dead body is as useful as alive
About to strike a mercy blow on Sigfried, Nasgaroth suddenly stops and took his leave of the site, leaving Sigfried in cries of horror, of complete despair. Praying for Sigmar...

Some hours later and not even a living creature to help or avenge him. So he realizes he had to put the pieces of the wife back together. Together to make her look like the maximum possible to a human being in order to give her a respectable funeral

Eventually, the funeral of Brunhild came, and there the nobility gang...

When the funeral ends, after all the people had gone, after the priest finished the funeral speech, after all the roses had been thrown, after the coffin filled the hole, Sigfried stands before the epitaph

A phrase in unknown language enters his ears, penetrating the nervous systems, reaching the brain... Sigfried passes out

With much difficulty he manages to wake up, the strength left him, even the hands are hardly moving.
Once again, standing before the cruelty and indifference of the universe, Sigfried found himself having to regain the strengths from where he had not, to be able to return to what was left of his home

Finally, standing up, he notices that the ground around his wife’s grave was all barren, even of dead grass. When he realizes what happened – not that he would resist, either – it was too late! Two clenched fists teared their way out of the soil, and grabbed his feet...

Ungrabbing the hands from the feet, he began to pull them out of the grave until realizing he had unburied a living corpse. The sweetest scent was now her foul and putrid stench. Her legs and arms crawling with parasites and maggots, and full of necrotic skin. The separated limbs connected by hundreds of tiny moving tentacles, like some monster lying inside just to mock her former self.

Two great holes from what used to be her breasts, and from where would shed milk for her unborn child, were shedding pus and black blood. Her open gut no longer carried a kid, instead hanged green-colored bowels. Her once angelic face, now bald, rotten and flayed and melting skin altogether.

Her eyes bore complete desperation, and her mouth moaned the cries of the warp…

Siegfried tried to touch her wife once again to make her pain fade away, but when he reached his hands closer to her, the huge amount of bacteria dissolved her to the bones, leaving a blood-stained ground…

Such inhuman resilience kept Siegfried from going insane… But Siegfried’s wishes were granted; Brunhild was lifted from the grave, and stood in front of him. Just not as he wished for…

While he crawled his feet back to his farm, he saw the bodies of his fellows employees lying on the ground and filled with maggots, rising up in moans.

Flies everywhere. The foul, virulent presence of the armies of Nurgle rotted even the most perfumed gardenia of his garden, now black colored, surrounded by flies

His house used to have Brunhild’s scent. When Sigfried entered the ruins he had a brief vision of a fully furnished house, full of flowers and a woman of immaculate expression… Then, all of a sudden, the delusion shatters in a thousand pieces, and reality came and drowns desires in grief

Mine child, the years passed and the men, once transformed by love, became an almost crawling being of extreme bitterness. Sigfried remembered of Sigmar but his brain was not able to return any information at all, the more he tried to make something come to his mind

From these days on, the blessed transformation of our Father, sown by the rotten hands of the infested wife, was finally coming to fruition

Day after day, pustules were slowly been given birth, followed by small chancres all over his body. Day after day his feet were no longer able to maintain his weight without a huge effort to resist the pulsating pain from its holes

The pus began to flow from the chancres, huge sebaceous cysts taking over him. There were days where he wielded his dagger and cutted the skin above the cysts to drain the insides... Bursting the blisters from his feet

So i, Nagar, spoke to him through the mouth of a corpse:

-Greetings to you, wandering soul!
-What do you want from me, corpse? He replied
-One should not speak in such irony to one in not different… position

Being overwhelmed with rage he grabbed me and, with superhuman strength, strangled me until eventually separating the head from the body, which rolled some meters from him. So I stretched my body a little, sprouting tentacles from the neck of the severed head, and said:

-Again, you would rather kick me in order to send my pitiful existence back to the warp

Even more enraged, Sigmund grabs the head and smashes it barehands!

Then suddenly he hears an ominous voice inside his head:

-Do you know why am I called Nagar?
Feeling powerless he said
-Who are you?
With a voice o mockery I said:
-So fragile and helpless are men… where was i? Oh! Nagar, mean virus, for I was born from a materialized womb-disease of a virgin…

- I will tell you how were it all. The naive virgin believed to have been a miracle, for still having not married her fiancé and thus not being espoused, her womb began to move itself by the inside. But what she did not knew, was the growing being inside her was not a child…

And in three days, her blotted womb bursted in huge shinning teethed maggots, which devoured her insides, leaving only the spine…all while in her screams…

-With tears in his eyes, her fiancé stepped over each maggot, smashing them, spilling their juicy insides. What he did not knew, it was that I was given birth with allegory as ornament, with the wind powerless, and by the Father himself, I can visit any sort of disease, to anyone who i see fit!

Then I began to bitterly speak to him

-But why does the universe is so cruel with your species? Why does it allows such cruelty towards the ones whose only desire is to live, to feel… to love?Why all things have to die? Why everything your race loves has to wither while watching it, powerless? Why your beloved ones do rot in front of you? Why the universe does gives birth to Sentience if Sentience is doomed to loss?

-Everything you have seen, Sigfried, was the truth. Everything you have been trough, Sigfried, was the truth. Your species is so fragile, and you cannot even fathom how much… and you realize how ruthless the universe is, for you have seen how much insignificant is to the universe what you loved…

-But you can defy it all! You can rise the fist high up to the skies, saying “I DO NOT ACCEPT IT”! You can crush its will to kill you! You can mock death itself! And Sigfried, all of it, the Father Nurgle can offer, He can give it all to you!

-And my dear Sigfried, the All-Father Himself has sent me to look after you since your birth! To keep you from the grasp of death. What He is offering you, is the road to Deamonhood, to become one of His most beloved sons. And like Him, render the universe powerless, unable to turn its forces on you!
And worry not, for I will take care of you, as I always did

The bitter Sigfried, with tears in his eyes, recognized the grandiosity of the Father. And in my presence, he saw a brother

And so, the Good Father Nurgle granted him the relief of his wounds and holes by taking away all the pain. No more the bursting pustules tortured him, or necrotic thews impeded him from walking and using the limbs.

-And so, Sigfried, we shall take our leave to the warp, deep in the lands of the Father.

I said

So I opened a portal leading to the warp and we went trough!

Inside, there was Him, the Great Father, atop the Great Mountains, laughing while his servants gathered around Him

The lands of the Father is full of diseases, bacteria, stench and rivers of pus and venal blood, bathing the ever-growing armies, standing ready to His biddings. From their tired and soulless eyes, an ever-growing of joy and lust for fresh victims and worlds to visit the Blessings.

The dear puppies, nurglings, the lesser offspring of the Father, legions of little beasts, hungry!

Upon arrival, Sigfried stood with awe, astonished with such…mockery

-Let us make haste, for the Father is awaiting you. I said
–And forgive-me my manners, it is time for me to leave your body… The Father has bigger plans than to make us become one, like the possessed warriors

And so, opening his mouth, i went out... In such speed, making him vomit his putrid liquids

Little he was aware that the Father Himself was eager to see his latest, perfect, crystalline and pure creation. A joy he did not felt equal since my birth

On the way, i took the opportunity to show to him one of the most remarkable - and jealous – followers. – This is, as you already know, Nasgaroth, lieutenant of the Daemon Prince. Worry not, soon you will be replacing him. And here between us, you are expected to replace the Prince himself, for he became ungrateful and lesser loyal to the Cause-

I said

Upon reaching the Mountains, the entire gathering made way. They would not even try to touch the Father’s creation, He separated it for Himself

-When you reach the Father’s feet, bow yourself to Him. Don’t be such amazed that your reason becomes cloudy. I said

Finally we reached Him, and so He spoke:

-Ah, Sigfried, my latest creation. Tell me, did it took long for you to realize all my power?

-Yes, and my regrets are for having not realized it earlier. Sigfried replied

-Oh, but do not you agree that, in truth, without Brunhild’s death and transformation, you would never understood it?

-…Yes, Great Father, I do! - Sigfried agreed with sore and sorrow

-But enough talk! I have a first mission for you: you will do battle with Nasgaroth until his death! For he disobeyed me by sparing a village from the Great Purge. AND GO NOW!

The father ordered him

So I enchanted him a huge two-handed sword in viruses and bacteria, specially made to corrupt at touch the most loving heart. I enchanted him a green, special-smithen full plate armor, bathed in filth. From its shoulders, sprouting rotten black-stained horns. From its gauntlets, living mouths full of teeth. The breast plate bearing the Three Orbs of Nurgle.

Nasgaroth’s two and a half meters of height towered over the humbles one and a half meters from Sigfried. With his massive thick armor and skin, Nasgaroth were able to bend dozens of elite warriors, even those from the foul liar god Tzeentch... These ones in particular with extreme savagery

So the battle begun with a charge of Nasgaroth towards Sigfried…

At first, Sigfried paled before Nasgaroth, but with the first blow from the towering creature, the little being blossomed in a fierce, vicious and beastly warrior

The thick and broad two handed sword fitted perfectly to the fighting style of Sigfried. Using its overweight to his favor, he ducked in a spin, aiming at Nasgaroth’s legs, chopping them off.

From the chopped legs sprouted broad tentacles, and with laughter, Nasgaroth fiercely delivered a blow to Sigfried’s chest, throwing him back ten meters

Feigning a faint, Sigfried stood laid on the ground. The huge hands of Nasgaroth were standing high, just gathering the strength to blow a strike in Sigfried’s chest just like hammer on anvil...

About to receive the blow, Sigfried dodged the strike by rolling to his left, placing the edge of the sword right below the falling arms. With venal blood all over his face, Sigfried stood up and spun a blow to Nasgaroth’s belly, chopping it and spilling his insides and even more blood!

With standing ovation from the entire Holy Land, Siegfried stood before the chopped upper half of Nasgaroth, raised high his sword, and landed a mercy blow to Nasgaroth’s head, then turning the sword, tearing the brain

Soon the two halves became amorphic moving pieces of rotten flesh. Unfortunately to Nasgaroth, all his platoons charged blindly in rage towards Sigfried who chopped in half each monster and each infested men, ending them in a pile of corpses…

And so, atop a pile of rotten flesh, standing before the armies of Nurgle, all of a sudden, he remembered of his deceased wife and unborn son. When the days were of happiness, of hope, of love, of fulfillment, of peace, of meaning…
And pouring blood from his eyes, and the godly scream which shuddered the Holy Domain, the fateful words were spoken:

-IAM, SIGFRIED! IAM THE ONE WHO WILL SHAKE THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF THE WORLD OF MEN! IAM ONE WITH THE DEAD, AND WITH THE DEAD I SHALL BEND THE WILL OF DEATH! WITH MY HANDS, I SHALL MOCK EVERYTHING THAT LIVES, TO SHOW THE TRUTH OF THE LIAR AND CRUEL UNIVERSE!

And in a war cry, Sigfried Rottenheart was born…"

Pain = Life
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-29-12, 06:04 AM
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Hello and welcome to the Heresy. This is one of the saddest stories I have read in a long time. I could feel the pain of Sigfried and wished that I could help him. The paragraphing was great for the most part, but the sentence structure needs lots of help. I could tell as I read that you started to get into a hurry, The paragraphs became one or two lines long and choppy.

The art to writing is in the small details, the picture you create with your words. The greater the character development and detail of the world he or they live in the better. You had a great idea that needed more development and structure.

Take the time to re-read your work out loud. It needs to sound natural to you in order for it to feel natural to us.

Again, glad to have you around and I look forward to seeing what you will produce when you get some more experience under your belt.

We move slowly through the shrouds of fog sending pestilence before us. There is no hope! We are the Death Guard. Fear us for we are coming for you!
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-02-12, 06:12 PM
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The overall tale of a fall form grace is excellent.

However the complexity of the language you use in places does not match what you are describing. For instance "Luxury which she abnegated...." seems overly poetic which is at odds with the austerity Brunnhild is displaying. I feel it would flow better if you used a more common word such as "refused" instead.
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