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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-28-12, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Icon My Short stories (all races)

Tyranid short story

The sky was blood red, the air was hot and the plains in front of Sergeant Iris were filled with aggressive mutated plants of the fungal world Typhon Primaris. Since the arrival of the Blood Ravens 3rd Company, Captain Gabriel Angelos launched several search and destroy missions. He sent Squad Iris, to the west of the planet where there were reports of a giant monster that stalked between shadows and killed with quick precision, without a sound.

Sergeant Iris disembarked out of his troop transporter with his squad of marines and shouted orders to secure the perimeter. “Captain we are in position”, said Iris. “Understood, stand by for further orders”, came the reply on the other end of vox caster. During this time, his squad spread out 10 meters from the transport.

Brother Ignitus, the flamer of the squad peered into the dense canopy of the mutated forest. For a brief moment he thought he saw something moving in the forest, but then dismissed it as a shadow.

“Squad form up on me!”the Sergeant shouted. He had just received orders from the captain to move to the outpost with caution. “We are to move into the outpost and retrieve any survivors that we can, and to eliminate any hostiles that we encounter on the way. Move out!”

Even while the sergeant was talking, there was something peering at them from behind the murky and mutated trees, east of their position. Just waiting for the right time to strike and create the most damage. Because it has been following them for weeks, it has absorbed the information of their tactics, weapons and battle strategies. Soon the Hive Mind will contact it again and it will kill once again. Until then he will be patient and be the silent hunter.

After 30 minutes of marching through the swamps and the under growth of the dense forest it was clear that something wasn’t right. Everything was silent, not even the buzz of a fly could be heard. The Squad was moving quick and with haste, for there shall be no time wasted among this desolate place.

After what felt like an eternity, they finally came upon a giant steel gate.
The gate was riddled with holes and smashed in a couple of places. Yet there was no sign of any bodies, just blood and gore. Sergeant Iris led his squad through a gaping hole in the gate, and what they saw was horrendous. There were bodies littered every were, and there was so much destruction and blown open buildings that it was hard to tell what the original infrastructure looked like. “Captain there doesn’t seem to be any signs of life, what are your orders?”. “Sergeant lead your squad to the Command center and upload the data from the cogitators. After this you need to evacuate from the site immediately. Are my orders clear sergeant?”. “Yes, captain Angelos”.

The squad started manning the defenses and prepared for any offensive attacks. But the creature was watching them, silently and patient. But then like a psychic cry there was a throbbing in its head. This was the message it was waiting for. With slow and careful steps it started to creep behind a marine.

Brother Marius was making his patrol on the ramparts when a sudden weight came from behind him. He fell face first and the air was sucked out of his lungs. Then there was a sudden feeling of something stabbing through his chest. He looked at his chest and saw a razor sharp talon protruding from his chest. With a sick feeling, he wandered if there as any chance of him surviving. But that thought was halted when another talon came from his right side and sliced through his neck with ease.

The creature lifted the dead marine any cocked its head to the side, not even a thought was forming in its mind, only the obedient structured mind, told him to leave the corpse and move to the next target. With this conclusion it threw the body against a steel door, and climbed on the wall, without making a sound.

Sergeant Iris was downloading the data when there was a sudden alarm on his visor. Brother Marius’s life signs went from green to red. That meant he was dead. He opened the vox and ordered Ingnitus and Johnson to see where the fallen brother was last seen and to make a report as soon as he was discovered.

Ignitus and Johnson went with haste and soon found the dead battle-brother. He was decapitated by the head and there was a giant hole in his chest. There was no sign of the enemy and no sign of anymore blood beside from Marius’s. “Brother-Sergeant we found Brother Marius, no sign of hostiles. What are your orders?” said Ingitus. “Grab Marius and come back to the command center”. Said Sergeant Iris. “Understood”.

While the 2 Marines were talking the creature was hanging on the wall like a spider, ready to strike. After several minutes of waiting, the two marines left with the carcass, without even a glance in it’s derection.
Then with sudden speed it launched its self at the marines back, just like it did Marius. Johnson was pulled down, and Marius’s body fell to the floor. Ignitus turned around and shouted “Liktor!” in the vox.

Ignitus never saw such a creature before in real life. It was ten meters tall and 6 meters long. It was covered with a skeletal exo-skeleton and had spiky chitin armor on its back. Its head resembled a insects, but it had instead of a mouth a dozen or more tentacles. Its eye’s were red like fresh blood and it moved with incredible speed that belied its size.
With a long talon that resembled a scythe it tore it into the armor of Johnson. With a wet crunch it retracted its from the body of the now lifeless body of the marine. Ignitus loosed his flamer on the liktor, but all it did was agitate it. With a ear splitting shriek, it launched it’s self at the Battle-brother Ignitus and pulled him under its bulk. The marine that was now on his back, pulled out his combat knife and tried to stab the creature in the stomach, instead the knife bounced off the hardened exo- skeleton. The creature didn’t slow down with its attack, and it hooked long talon into the side of the marines body.

(Now this is as far as I have got. I'm sorry if there is any confusion but this is my first short story that I have written and there may be grammatical failures. But please comment on what I could do better and what stories you guys would like me to write.)

Rise brothers, for the Emperor calls us once again to battle.
Rise and together we shall smite this foe with our righteous fury!!!

Last edited by darkreever; 03-02-12 at 02:13 AM.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-01-12, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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here is the rest of the story, I hope you guys like it.

With a wet crunch the talon bit into the side ingitus, he yelped and trust his combat knife between the joints of the body and the arm. The liktor roared with a bestial snarl and leapt at him again. But before it could reach him for the second time a huge explosion ripped into the liktors side. Sergeant Iris fired his bolter on full automatic. Tiny shells, that have a strength of a single rocket hammer the creature and envelope it in a firestorm of fire and shrapnel. The exo-skeleton of the liktor was breaking and muscle, flesh and acidic blood started to spray out of the wound. After 2 more clips on full automatic, there was nothing left but blood and gore. It was unrecognizable, the bulk and talons were nothing but mesh and the head was gone and tentacles with skull fragments were all over the walls. “Ignitus gather the dead and fall back to the command bunker.”

Ignitus gathered Marius’s and Johnsons bodies and carried them to the Bunker, the data was uploaded and the transport is inbound to pick them up. Ignitus leaned the corpses against a wall and began the long process of taking their precious genetic material. Their legacy will continue and their service is until death. That is why they were called Space Marines. To fight the enemies of Mankind and to be the champion’s of the Imperium.

2 million light years away the Hive Fleet moved closer to the planet. Even though it lost contact with one of its Infiltrators, it still had more then enough of them to show the way, and in 2 weeks time, the whole planet will be surrounded and another planet will die for the glory of the Hive Mind and all its occupants.[/COLOR][/FONT]

pls comment and tell how you guys think it should have ended. And if there are any short stories you gys would like me to write then I would be happy to start on it.[/COLOR]

Rise brothers, for the Emperor calls us once again to battle.
Rise and together we shall smite this foe with our righteous fury!!!

Last edited by darkreever; 03-02-12 at 02:14 AM.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-01-12, 11:45 PM Thread Starter
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Icon Chaos Sace Marine short storie (The battle at Bakul)

My Chaos Space Marine short story

(Time 21:00, day 9,date 39Millennium 999.9)
The Planet was in flames. Giant lava geysers were breaking through the crust. Whole cities were destroyed and entire Metropolises were leveled into the ground nothing but craters and destroyed battleships were left on the surface. The Oceans were long ago vaporized and entire Forests and Jungles were burned to cinders. The Once beautiful and rich world of Balur. The planet was originally under control of the Orks, but after a massive attack from the Ultramarines, the planet was taken into Imperial fold. The Ultramarines 6th Company were sent their for restocking on ammunition and fuel for their army and battleships. They were there when the planet was destroyed by the warp infested and hated Inferno Legion. This once proud Legion that was made in secret, had finally returned from the Warp, but not to worship the Emperor but the Gods of Chaos. For this will be their first act of vengeance against the Imperium. This is how it all began.

( Time 10:00, day 1, date 39 Millennium 999.9)
Captain Epathus of the Ultramarines 6th Company was standing on the command bridge, as the first signs of anomalies were occurring. The first one was when all warp contact and warp travel was made impossible, the second was when the vox went out. All Flagships were rendered blind, Ship captains tried to reestablish contact with the other ships, but all was futile. Specially when the first chaos ships emerged from the warp. They were big hulking things, nothing of beauty, but all guns and metal plantings. Most ships were class Frigates others were unknown. Each ship was armed with plasma, las and broadside cannons. There were over 25 ships at the far side of the planet at wich Captain Epathus stationed. But the last ship to emerge was the largest, biggest and most heavily armed of them all, it was called “The Emperor’s Damnation”, and it was the flagship of the Chaos Lord Dominius. Dominius former Captain of the Inferno Guard, had turned traitor against his own Legion during the heresy. He was a hulking figure, plated with Terminator armor that was bearing trinkets and other grisly objects on his gigantic plates and was colored like dark blood. He had two lightning claws, each of them as long as a human in length. They were named “Astartes Bane”. With these claws he could tear trough Terminator armor with ease and summon Daemons from the Warp with only a short prayer to the gods. With these weapons he smote entire worlds and destroyed entire civilizations. Now he would descend on the world of Bakur where he would further show his dedication to the gods.

Dominius was sitting in his command chair, he was looking at the monitor, about twelve ships were in low orbit and one of them was the flagship of the Ultramarines. He could only imagine what prize that would make in his army. He turned to his chaplain and said; “Flamenus prepare the warriors for teleportation. I want that ship. Make sure to keep the captain alive, I would like to ask him some questions.”, with a wicked grin he turned back to the monitor. The Chaplain just retreated silently to the background and began barking orders to several squads of Terminator and Attack Squads for teleportation.
He knew how much Lord Dominius loved his prizes, it would not favor him well to be on the bad mood of his Lord, thought the Chaplain. Without further thoughts he dismissed them and moved along the corridor until he reached the teleportation room. Already seven squads were assembled. In minutes there will be more of them and then the teleportation will begin.

On the planet Bakur, half of the 6th Company was stationed at Bastion Titanitus. It was a large fortress that was made, to repel assaults and it had several defense lasers to fight of any aircraft. This was a manufactory and a Headquarters all at one place. Only the best could hope to get close to penetrating it.

Veteran Sergeant Varrus moved along the steel corridors of the Bastion. He moved with quick and deliberate steps to the control room. He had an emergency call from the station that all vox and orbital communications have ceased to function. This worried him greatly, cause only one thing could cause such disturbances and that meant he needed to reach his captain before it was to late. He called all Squads to high alert and told the Lord General of the militia to prepare the Army for immediate battle readiness. If the attack came, then they would be prepared.

20 minutes have gone by since the communications failure. But the sensors have shown contacts on the other sides of the planet. It numbered 28 ships all together. They were unknown to the data on the ship, so he Captain Epathus prepared the Fleet for battle. Only 7 ships were in orbit and even then, they were just loading up their shields. Captain Epathus told 3 squads to got to the surface and find the Veteran Sergeant. Only the Sergeant would now what is happening, for he had more experience then even the captain did. He went to the Command console of the ship and asked:” What is out status, are the shields up, and what about the weapons?”. “Lord, shields are eighty percent charged, and all guns are prepared to fire, when the enemy gets into range.” Replied a officer. Then a sensor helmsmen shouted; “Captain, sudden energy spike from the lead ship, and it’s building. Unknown were its emanating from the ship. Should I locate Lord?”. “Yes Lieutenant you should” replies the Captain back. Then with a sudden shudder, the whole ship shook. Then there was an explosion. Wires sparked and consoles blew up. The hole bridge was shaking, what ever just happened portended only what is to come.

Chaplain Flamenus rematerialized and he stood in a hangar deck, only 3 squads were with him, the rest were scattered in other parts of the ship. With his desecrated Crozius he started charging the first loyalists he saw. They were in cobalt blue armor and they seemed surprised too. Without hesitation, he activated the Crozius and blew open the first armored soldier. The Space Marine fell without a sound, a gaping hole in his chest were his twin hearts used to be. Then a second one died as the Crozius hit his head. By then the Squads that accompanied the Chaplain opened fire. With Combi-bolters and power axes they cut through the Ultramarines. Within a minute there was no more Ultramarines left on the deck. The whole space was filled with blood and gore without looking back he gestured the Terminator Squads to follow him, he had more important tasks then slaughtering loyalists. The bridge was his main objective, and there the Captain should be. With a sudden shuddering the Chaplain knew that the second Assault party has breached the generator room. Soon and very soon this ship would be theirs.

Captain Epathus woke up, laying on his back. He remembered the explosion from the interior ship. The Bridge was a mess, wires were sticking out everywhere and consoles were sputtering sparks from their insides. Some of the crew were twisted in odd positions. There was some blood, but not much. He got up and looked around for the Ship master. He couldn’t see him. He opened the vox and heard shouts and shooting. He opened his personal vox to contact the sergeants of the squads on the ship. There was no reply, not at first then there was came a reply. “Captain is that you?” asked Sergeant Vorrolanus. “Sergeant what is your location? And what is happening down there?”
There are hostiles on the ship Captain. There to many to fight. We lost Squads 4-6 already. The Generator room is under enemy control and I am currently trying to reach the armory.” Replied the sergeant. “Vorrolanus don’t head for the armory, come to the bridge, we need to protect it, without the bridge we have already lost the ship.” Said the Captain in a cold and calculated voice. “Understood, rerouting”. The Captain looked up again and went to some of the consoles. There warning signs on the screen. Generators failing, shields powering down, weapons offline and several hull breaches. This proved to be a problem, he might reconsider and abandon ship. But the minute he thought of that, he felt disgust, he would not leave his ship! This is a class A Frigate of Marcragge and he would not allow it to land in enemy hands. On the sensor screen he saw the ships moving closer, like a tide of weapons and metal plating, they will destroy his ship. But he won’t allow his men to go down without a fight. This he vowed in the Emperors name and his Primarch Roboute Guilliman.

Flamenus charged through the corridors of the ship, leaving broken bodies and desecrated corpses behind. He disdained the fear of the crew and serfs. Is this how low the Imperium got? Wasn’t once the Imperium largest and mightiest of all empires before? They are petty and weak, they deserve now praise from the Inferno Legion or any Space Marine in this matter. He charged through some Guardsmen with lasrifles with his bolt pistol and Crozius. The first Guardsmen’s skull caved in, a welter of blood and bone fragments came out of the fist size hole. The second was in shock, seeing what happened to his fellow Guardsmen, he got to his knees and started begging. One of the Terminators back handed the man, and he fell with a broken cheek bone and a swollen eye. They just ignored him and walked on past him. They had an objective and nothing would get in their way, nothing. Lord Dominius has ordered them to, what he says, is the will of the Gods. They turned a corner, and then they say the bridge, but it wasn’t defenseless. Space Marines with Heavy Bolters, Bolters and other flamers were barricaded behind a wall of steel plating. They opened fire the moment Chaplain Flamenus turned the corner and he was peppered with fragments of bolter shells. The Terminators went on unscathed and opened fire. Combi-Storm bolter ammunition ripped through the barricade like paper and killed dozens of Marines in seconds. The Heavy Bolter opens fire and leaves deep craters in the lead Terminator. A second Terminator behind him, lifts his Autocannon, a long barreled gun with a knife edge at the front, opens fire and rips the Marine with heavy Bolter into shreds. Nothing but pieces of armor and flesh remains. The rest of the Marines fall back into the bridge and lock the doors. These are not any normal doors, they are triple plated adamantium doors. It would take a lot of explosives to open it and even then, they would only get half way through it. But then Brother Corbula, with his Chainfist, steps forward and starts cutting at it. Only a Chainfist could cut through it properly.

Captain Epathus could not believe damage that was done, to his three squads of ten. Only 6 more Marine are left. There are Terminators outside, more than 3 squads. This seemed as a overpowering force. He told Sergeant Vorrolanus to prepare for the finale fight. There is nothing they could do, only fight with Courage and Honor. He drew his power sword and stood ready for the overwhelming charge that is to come. He just knew he will kill one of those heretics one way or another.

Corbulo’s Chainfist finally reached the other end of the door. It took twenty minutes for it to cut and he made more then enough room for five Terminators to walk in besides each other.
The Chaplain decided to lead the first wave in and kill the Marines. “Kill the Loyalists, but keep the Captain alive, our Lord wants a word with him, before we kill this planet.!” Shouted the Chaplain over the Warriors. They nodded their heads in acknowledgment. Then with a strong bash of his shoulder guard he knocked down the remains of the door. All five Terminators rushed in. There were only six, a pathetic number of loyalists. His Terminators used Fist’s and power axe’s in this close combat battle. The first marine was cleaved in half by a power axe, there was a splash of bright red blood and then the body crumpled in on itself, the second marine was hit in the face by a power fist, the marines head came off in a welter of blood. Sergeant Vorrolanus was next, the Crozius hit him in the knee, lifting him off his knees and then it cam crashing down in his forehead. The rest were dispatched with in seconds. Only the Captain remained, his blue and gold armor reflected the distant sunlight. He kneeled on one knee and was bleeding out of dozens of wounds from his chest to his legs. The Swords was crushed in half and its golden hilt was broken beyond repair. One Terminator stood behind him, holding storm bolter to the head. Soon the Captain will see the full glory of chaos and the true Warmaster of Chaos.

End of part 1

I hope you guys like this new story, it's not complete and so I would like to know how you guys like it.

Rise brothers, for the Emperor calls us once again to battle.
Rise and together we shall smite this foe with our righteous fury!!!

Last edited by darkreever; 03-02-12 at 02:15 AM.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-02-12, 01:04 AM
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Well, two things come to mind in the way of critiques. First, this is in the wrong place. It should be in 'Original Works' rather than Fluff.

Second thing... you've constructed walls of text. Any time you have dialogue, you need to break your paragraph off. The more people talking, the more breaks you need to put in to distinguish them.

Third thing, you keep switching between present and past tense over and over. If you are writing the story in past tense, it needs to be in past tense the whole way through and not just at the start and then you switch later. If you want to do it from present tense, then the same rule applies (though present tense is far harder to write in as far as I'm concerned.)

As far as the content is concerned, it isn't a bad collection of short stories, it's just the little grammar crap that gets in the way.

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-02-12, 07:23 AM
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Moved to Original Works, as these are short stories, not Homebrew Fluff.

Nonsense is our Salvation

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