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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-26-12, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Default A Futile Kind of Peace

This building was a center of peace. It promoted talking not fighting and managed to bring an end to the costly fights between the Gabateli family and the Reaper gang, without the loss of innocent blood. This building was a center of life. It was here that Lord-Governor Rikshaw had been brought after an assassination attempt and continued to live, despite the bolt being lodged in his spine. Today, just like yesteryear, it promoted peace and life. However, today it's methods had changed.

"Incoming artillery fire!", the stealer box boomed.

Moments later a poorly aimed ball of plasma landed ,not on anyone , but on the roof which caused a portion of it to disintegrate, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't on top of it. It had been a hard day of fighting for the 207th Fonecen Heavy Infantry, they had been assigned to defend this building and, over the course of the day, wave after wave of Syber attacks had forced them onto the roof. Retreat was impossible, surrender handicapped by a language barrier and the sheer ruthlessness of the enemy and made impossible by Marshal Delle. So this was a last stand, the kind that should be remembered.

"Keep up the pressure!", Marshal Delle bellowed, "If we are to die this day then take a dozen of them with you!"

Up and down the Empire "Line" squads of Troopers were pouring bolts into the enemy as fast as their action would allow, with machine bolter crews adding to the rate of fire. The Syber Gurnts were rushing forward, with only the faintest recognition of the concept of cover aided by Konwikts fighting for their freedom. In addition, Skork walkers bounded across the open distance, their clawed feet finding purchase where there was none,or hanging on the back of the roof and punishing an empire unit the could see. Normally there would be no response, but the roof had been large enough to allow pounders to be set up, and the toll they were delivering was telling a new tale.

Delle's pistol barked bolt after bolt into the enemies, each shoot a hit and, in turn, each hit a kill. He should have stayed in cover, but trusted his luck, and stayed fully exposed while plasma ball slammed all around him and Gurnts, recognizing his rank, charged in. One Konwikt in peculiar had struck him as rather odd: his florescent shirt bulging out a bit and Gurnts showing reluctance around him, most notably their Patriok Serjent. Then the Serjent pulled a device out of his pocket and screamed to his squad to hit the deck. A loud beeping began to emanate from the Konwikt who was an (judging from his expression) unwilling Martyr. The blast that followed tore a giant hole in the roof which, in addition to killing the nearby Konwikts, Gurnts, and Troopers, knocked Marshall Delle of his feet.

Mere seconds later, a Skork jumped over the hole and sunk its bird like claws into his body and, by an amazing feet of piloting, tore him in half. The cry that followed in the Empire ranks was followed by a full-side of plasma with Gurnts cutting down the last vestiges of resistance. They began to celebrate their victory, without realizing the Marshal still had one trick. After the pushing of a button, Marshal Delle died easily as they smoky sky filled with the sound of orbital bombardment.
***********
A hundred shells fell from the sky destroying yet another building. In the streets, hedges of Empire bayonets held the Gurnts and Konwikts at bay while Knights and Outriders exchanged fire with Skorks and Efege's. In the sky Falcons and Karioks danced a deadly battle while dodging flak spewed from both sides. In the distance, a Heliopolis was illuminating itself by its countless muzzle flashes while a Gode marched forward.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-26-12, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaggedjaw View Post
This building was a center of peace. It promoted talking not fighting and managed to bring an end to the costly fights between the Gabateli family and the Reaper gang, without the loss of innocent blood. This building was a center of life. It was here that Lord-Governor Rikshaw had been brought after an assassination attempt and continued to live, despite the bolt being lodged in his spine. Today, just like yesteryear, it promoted peace and life. However, today it's methods had changed.

"Incoming artillery fire!", the stealer box boomed.

Moments later a poorly aimed ball of plasma landed ,not on anyone , but on the roof which caused a portion of it to disintegrate, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't on top of it.(This part seems to run-on and could have been said much more quickly and fluidly. Something like "Moments later a ball of plasma disintegrated the roof next to it's targets." ) It had been a hard day of fighting for the 207th Fonecen Heavy Infantry, they had been assigned to defend this building and, over the course of the day, wave after wave of Syber attacks had forced them onto the roof. Retreat was impossible, surrender handicapped by a language barrier and the sheer ruthlessness of the enemy and made impossible by Marshal Delle.(Again, this sentence could be made to read much more fluidly. Using and twice in one sentence like this is the main cause, I think.) So this was a last stand, the kind that should be remembered.

"Keep up the pressure!", Marshal Delle bellowed, "If we are to die this day then take a dozen of them with you!"(Like the inspirational war-cry :D)

Up and down the Empire "Line" squads of Troopers were pouring bolts into the enemy as fast as their action would allow, with machine bolter crews adding to the rate of fire. The Syber Gurnts were rushing forward, with only the faintest recognition of the concept of cover aided by Konwikts fighting for their freedom. In addition, Skork walkers bounded across the open distance, their clawed feet finding purchase where there was none,or hanging on the back of the roof and punishing an empire unit the could see. Normally there would be no response, but the roof had been large enough to allow pounders to be set up, and the toll they were delivering was telling a new tale. (Again, make it more fluid. Go through with a fine-toothed grammar comb as well. )

Delle's pistol barked bolt after bolt into the enemies, each shoot(shot) a hit and, in turn, each hit a kill. He should have stayed in cover, but trusted his luck, and stayed fully exposed while plasma ball slammed all around him and Gurnts, recognizing his rank, charged in.(Good action but break it up into several sentences instead of one.) One Konwikt in peculiar had struck him as rather odd: his florescent shirt bulging out a bit and Gurnts showing reluctance around him, most notably their Patriok Serjent. Then the Serjent pulled a device out of his pocket and screamed to his squad to hit the deck. A loud beeping began to emanate from the Konwikt who was an (judging from his expression) unwilling Martyr.(This and the couple sentences before are doing more telling than showing. Try to show how they are reluctant through their actions or dialogue, instead of directly telling the reader as an example.) The blast that followed tore a giant hole in the roof which, in addition to killing the nearby Konwikts, Gurnts, and Troopers, knocked Marshall Delle of(off) his feet.

Mere seconds later, a Skork jumped over the hole and sunk its bird like claws into his body and, by an amazing feet of piloting, tore him in half. The cry that followed in the Empire ranks was followed by a full-side of plasma with Gurnts cutting down the last vestiges of resistance. They began to celebrate their victory, without realizing the Marshal still had one trick. After the pushing of a button, Marshal Delle died easily as they smoky sky filled with the sound of orbital bombardment.
***********
A hundred shells fell from the sky destroying yet another building. In the streets, hedges of Empire bayonets held the Gurnts and Konwikts at bay while Knights and Outriders exchanged fire with Skorks and Efege's. In the sky Falcons and Karioks danced a deadly battle while dodging flak spewed from both sides. In the distance, a Heliopolis was illuminating itself by its countless muzzle flashes while a Gode marched forward.
All in all, it's a very intriguing and good story, but there are errors. You do a lot of telling instead of showing, which I mentioned earlier. Try to have them use actions or dialogue to show things. As an example:

Original Sentence:One Konwikt in peculiar had struck him as rather odd: his florescent shirt bulging out a bit and Gurnts showing reluctance around him, most notably their Patriok Serjent. Then the Serjent pulled a device out of his pocket and screamed to his squad to hit the deck. A loud beeping began to emanate from the Konwikt who was an (judging from his expression) unwilling Martyr.

Revised sentence: One Konwikt stuck out: his bright shirt bulged with the hint of something underneath. The Gurnts stuck to the walls around him or behind him, eying him warily. The Serjent backed away from the Konwikt, pulling a device from his pocket. "HIT THE DECK!"

The Konwikt gulped nervously and looked with wide eyes at his chest as a loud beeping began to emnate.

I'm looking forward to reading more of it

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-29-12, 02:44 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the tips and for reading it(I'll have to keep those word mistakes in mind). I'll try to make a few changes in the future.
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