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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-19-12, 11:18 PM Thread Starter
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Default THE DEATH OF DR BERTY JONES. super short

THE DEATH OF DR BERTY JONES.

Bert slammed the door to his lab shut, weak and confused he sat down in his chair slumping forward over his desk, the green medical bag slung over his shoulder slid to the floor, the picture of his wife and daughters stained with blood still clenched in his fist.

He could hear them outside, small hands scraping at the door, trying to get to him, Never did he think this could happen,
'well it wouldn't have' he thought 'if only them bastards on the board would have listen to me, and not fired my arse I wouldn't of had to continue with my experiments in the basement.'

Bert had some crazy ideas, he was a doctor for many years and had worked with people -as well as animals- in places all over the world and over time grew an obsession with the effects of animal diseases on humans.
After his superiors at the lab grew tired of his ramblings he was fired and took to mixing potent venoms with Rabies, to see if he could somehow cure it.
That was not the case and what he had unwittingly done is unleashed a sickening disease that took over the body within hours, the boby would then become a host.

'I was only messing about with rats, how did they get that strong? HOW DID THEY GET OUT?!'
He spoke aloud as if hoping for a reply

Those tiny hands, scraping barely half way up the door, filled with boils oozing pus to spread more decease, those bulging eyes barley contained in their tiny skulls, their mouths dripping with blood and the gaps in their teeth filled with the flesh that belonged to their mother, that's who was at the door. Those sweet faces in the picture. -gone.-

'Never bring your work home with you' he muttered to himself.

His arm was throbbing, an open wound seeping a reddish-yellow pus out onto his forearm, the pain slowly crept up his arm and across his chest, the blood in his veins thicken and felt like hot oil burning as it pumped round his body, his heart pounding like an angry drummer to compensate.
As he lay his head on the desk staring at the picture he could feel the life force draining from his body and fought to stay conscious, the darkness swept over like a dense fog, he tried to fight it and continue to draw breath, but it was too late, as he struggled to inhale one last time his eyes rolled back into his head, his eyes closed and as the air escaped his lungs, two word where whispered.
"I'm Sorry".....................



-Written By Jimmy Gunn--2012-


EDIT: I've took on board what you said a had look over it, hopefully it is an improvement.


Last edited by jimmy gunn; 02-22-12 at 11:35 AM.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-12, 10:14 AM
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-Bert slammed the door to his lab shut, weak and confused he sat down and slumped forward over his desk, the green medical bag slug over his shoulder slid to the floor, the picture of his wife and daughter stained with blood still clenched in his fist.
One paragraph, Three commas, a single sentence. Be mindful of this. I see it a lot in fresh writers, basically it's an easy habit to fall into.


Quote:
He could hear them outside, small hands scraping at the door, trying to get to him.
Never did he think this could happen,
'well it wouldn't have' he thought
'if only them bastards on the board would have listen to me, and not fired my arse'
You've started new lines unnecessarily here, and again become reliant on commas. Only begin a new line when a new character speaks or acts typically. Also punctuation.

The rest is much the same. It's easy to read and understand, but it does not have the structure it should.

Also, zombie rats is it?


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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-12, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
Also, zombie rats is it?
Maybe in the beginning. I will admit that I thought it was rats too (and it may have been originally), until the second-to-the-last long paragraph, which reveals it is his daughter (probably after having been infected by a rat).

I will admit to being a little confused still. The doctor is in his lab. His daughter is outside. Did he have a lab in his house (then again, what mad scientist doesn't)? If so, yes, I wholeheartedly agree that bringing work home was a very bad idea.

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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-12, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
One paragraph, Three commas, a single sentence. Be mindful of this. I see it a lot in fresh writers, basically it's an easy habit to fall into.

You've started new lines unnecessarily here, and again become reliant on commas. Only begin a new line when a new character speaks or acts typically. Also punctuation.

The rest is much the same. It's easy to read and understand, but it does not have the structure it should.

Also, zombie rats is it?

Thanks for the feedback.
I find punctuation confusing and I know I need to work on it.
I can't spell either so I end up worrying about the spelling to much and over look punctuation. I'll try to improve.
this is the first thing I've written since I was in year 9 at school (other than that bit of fluff for my SM.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dicrel Seijin View Post
Maybe in the beginning. I will admit that I thought it was rats too (and it may have been originally), until the second-to-the-last long paragraph, which reveals it is his daughter (probably after having been infected by a rat).

I will admit to being a little confused still. The doctor is in his lab. His daughter is outside. Did he have a lab in his house (then again, what mad scientist doesn't)? If so, yes, I wholeheartedly agree that bringing work home was a very bad idea.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmy gunn View Post
Those tiny hands, scraping barely half way up the door, filled with boils oozing pus to spread more decease, those bulging eyes barley contained in her tiny skull. her mouth dripping with blood and the gaps in her teeth filled with the flesh that belonged to her mother. that's who was at the door.
Those sweet faces in the picture. gone


'Never bring your work home with you' he thought.
I know it needs some work, I might add to it, edit it and a few other bits.

thanks for taking the time to read it. i'll clean it up when I get a chance.
or I could get the editing team to have a look, then I could look at the before and after, could help me more.


Last edited by jimmy gunn; 02-22-12 at 12:10 AM.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-20-12, 03:18 PM
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A good idea and - although there are a few punctuation and spelling errors - I found the development quite clear.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-12, 11:40 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Dave T Hobbit View Post
A good idea and - although there are a few punctuation and spelling errors - I found the development quite clear.
thank you.

I'm writing a longer story at the moment that will be set in the 40k universe,
hopefully you will see some improvements.

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