Dark Angels Short Story - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-28-12, 09:20 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
HOGGLORD's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: That place, you know. That place you went to that one time, surely you remember?
Posts: 891
Reputation: 6
Default DA short story

I just found out about this sub-forum. Enjoy!

++++++

Zathos lowered himself behind a wall. He knew they were close. He looked briefly over the edge of the broken window, judging the distance. Four meters down. He could make it. He stood and took a few steps back readying himself for the jump. Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. There were shouts and the thuds of heavy armoured footfalls coming up the stairs.

He levelled his bolt pistol and fired three consecutive shots at the supports on the doorway, the supports cracking and buckling under the pressure. Just as the first power armoured bodies came up into the doorway, he fired one final shot at the doorframe and it collapsed, crushing the warriors beneath five floors of Ceramite. It wouldn’t hold them for long, but it was enough. Enough to buy him a few minutes.

He turned and ran towards the window, turning his shoulder towards it as he leaped, his armour smashing through the lithe window frame. He landed on his feet, already running. Two of his assailants were firing from the window, bolts struck the floor around him. He turned back, firing his pistol in the general direction, still running, not sure whether or not his shot were true, nor did he care.

Another power-armoured warrior stepped out of a building to his right. The warrior spotted Zathos and began to level his bolter, but before he was half done, Zathos drew his chainsword and swung it, cleaving neatly through the soldier’s abdomen.

A shot struck his shoulder plate and he turned to see another solder holding a bolt pistol, his own chainsword held low in his hand. He shot again, but this time Zathos was ready and he dodged before running forwards, a knife in his hand. He lowered himself and skidded under a shot before leaping at the marine, forcing the knife into his opponent’s eye. Blood jetted briefly and Zathos kicked the sprawling body aside, already continuing his escape. As he left through the back door he dropped two grenades in the doorframe. The explosion collapsed the building and hopefully delayed anyone else inside.

He ran towards another building, seeing another opponent coming through an empty doorway. He twisted and leapt forward, smashing through the wall, right next to the warrior.

He ran through alleyways and rounded a corner into a huge square. In the centre was a figure in Jet-black armour, he stood alone and turned to face Zathos.
The unfamiliar sensation of fear prickled down Zathos’ spine, he stepped forwards, his hood obscuring his darting eyes. He drew his chainsword and issued a wordless challenge. The figure nodded and stepped forwards.

The Black-armoured warrior shouted across the courtyard. “I am Interrogator-Chaplain Leontus of the Dark Angels chapter. You are a traitor and I am charged with absolving you of your sins. Will you admit you treachery and repent?”

“You know the answer to that, Chaplain.” Spat Zathos. He ran forwards, Blade raised towards the Chaplain, who remained motionless. A shot struck Zathos in the chest and he twisted away from it. Dark green armoured warriors were filing into the courtyard, bolters raised.

Zathos looked around, seeing no way out.

“I have fought across a thousand battlefields, over four hundred years!” Spat Zathos. "I have battled alongside your Primarch, Lion El'johnson!"

there was a hiss of rage from the chaplain at the mention of the name of his patron and spiritual father.

"I have even set eyes upon the countenance of the Emperor himself!" Roared Zathos. "And yet you dare to face me?"

He looked into the chaplain’s soulless skull mask, there was no pity, no remorse in any of the Dark Angels’ faceplates.

He dropped the chainsword and the bolt pistol. Seven Dark angels warriors came forwards, slowly bolters still raised. Zathos' wrists seemed to flicker and two blurs spun from his fingertips. The knives embedded themselves cleanly in the throat of one marine and the stomach of another. A third Dark Angel stepped forwards and Zathos grabbed his outstreched arm, spinning him round with unexpected force. There was the unmistakeable sound of bones snapping and the ceramite plates of the warrior's gauntlet buckling under the pressure. Zathos kicked the marine down to the floor, before crushing the helmet and head under a mighty boot. A fist came from nowhere and struck Zathos on the head, he span and collapsed on his knees.

The Chaplain stepped forward, a set of heavy shackles in his hands. Two soldiers forced his wrists up to face the thick chains. Zathos stared into the eye sockets of the Chaplain. He opened his clenched fists.

Six small pieces of metal dropped From Zathos’ hands. The Chaplain looked down at them, then up at Zathos.
“Emperor curse you, traitor.”

The grenade pins clattered to the floor. The grenades on Zathos’ belt all detonated, ending the confrontation in a scream of fire.

All C&C welcome (provided it's constructive)

Merged threads - DTH


Last edited by Boc; 02-10-12 at 06:00 PM. Reason: Standard font/style
HOGGLORD is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-12, 03:03 AM
Embrace the Insanity
 
Insanity's Avatar
Insanity's Flag is: Australia
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,159
Reputation: 12
Default

Interesting read, would be great if it were a longer story, had some more background on Zathos. I'm assuming he is a fallen angel? +Rep for the good read
Insanity is offline  
post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-12, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
HOGGLORD's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: That place, you know. That place you went to that one time, surely you remember?
Posts: 891
Reputation: 6
Default

I could try and add a bit more backstory, I guess. Though I tried to keep Zathos' identity as shrouded as possible (at least the fallen bit) until the end.


Last edited by HOGGLORD; 01-29-12 at 08:35 AM.
HOGGLORD is offline  
 
post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-12, 01:15 PM
Spanner in the works...
 
spanner94ezekiel's Avatar
spanner94ezekiel's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Breaking the Fourth Wall
Posts: 5,349
Reputation: 28
Default

Looks good so far, and nice action scenes. +rep

The Black Typhoons | Dark Angels 3rd Company | Tharrus Draw's Warband | Dark Angels' Corner | Codices: Marvel Heroes and Marvel Villains

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mossy Toes View Post
Spanner's got some great advice as well... Listen to that wise man.

spanner94ezekiel is offline  
post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-06-12, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
HOGGLORD's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: That place, you know. That place you went to that one time, surely you remember?
Posts: 891
Reputation: 6
Default

I added a bit of extra background+action, see what you think.
C&C still welcome.
Enjoy!

HOGGLORD is offline  
post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-07-12, 08:42 PM
Tzeentch laughs at likely
 
Dave T Hobbit's Avatar
Dave T Hobbit's Flag is: Europe
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Inside my Head, Bristol, UK
Posts: 8,549
Reputation: 44
Default

Excellent pacing; you have kept the action tight without omitting necessary details.

I also found the ending very satisfying.

There were two points when your style did not quite flow:

(1) Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. There were shouts and the thuds of heavy armoured footfalls coming up the stairs. - "...behind him...." in the first sentence made me feel the footsteps are close, so it broke my mental picture when they were described as coming up the stairs.

(2) "...not sure whether or not his shot were true, nor did he care." - I found the placement of the two verbs regarding his mental state on either side of the object of the sentence a little clumsy: it might read better as "...neither knowing nor caring whether his shots were true."
Dave T Hobbit is offline  
post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-12, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
HOGGLORD's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: That place, you know. That place you went to that one time, surely you remember?
Posts: 891
Reputation: 6
Default

Ok, how about this?
Zathos lowered himself behind a wall. He knew they were close. He looked briefly over the edge of the broken window, judging the distance. Four meters down. He could make it. He stood and took a few steps back readying himself for the jump. Suddenly he heard footsteps from below him. There were shouts and the thuds of heavy armoured footfalls coming up the stairs.

He levelled his bolt pistol and fired three consecutive shots at the supports on the doorway, the supports cracking and buckling under the pressure. Just as the first power armoured bodies came up into the doorway, he fired one final shot at the doorframe and it collapsed, crushing the warriors beneath five floors of Ceramite. It wouldn’t hold them for long, but it was enough. Enough to buy him a few minutes.

He turned and ran towards the window, turning his shoulder towards it as he leaped, his armour smashing through the lithe window frame. He landed on his feet, already running. Two of his assailants were firing from the window, bolts struck the floor around him. He turned back, firing his pistol in the general direction, still running, neither knowing nor caring whether his shots were true...

HOGGLORD is offline  
post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-12, 09:24 AM
Tzeentch laughs at likely
 
Dave T Hobbit's Avatar
Dave T Hobbit's Flag is: Europe
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Inside my Head, Bristol, UK
Posts: 8,549
Reputation: 44
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HOGGLORD View Post
Ok, how about this?
Good stuff.
Dave T Hobbit is offline  
post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-12, 11:37 AM
Junior Member
 
ExchangedHades's Avatar
ExchangedHades's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Sunny Scotland..... who am I kidding?
Posts: 29
Reputation: 1
Default

Good read, just two questions.

A: The building is made of ceramite? I'm only asking due to the power armour of every Astartes warrior is made of the same stuff, rockcrete is the more commonly used building substance.

And B is a more personal question, where did Zathos make his name for you? Only wondering due to him being my Chaos Lord in both Warhammer Fantasy and 40k, and is my Midnight Fangs (Loyalist) Chapter Master...... <_< He has a rep at the local GW lol.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA DEAD MARINES EVERYWHERE! -Dreadnought craves its way through wall- OHHHHHHHHHHHH A BIGGER DEAD MARINE!
Jonas to me during our battle of the Midnight Fangs against the smurfs..... Uh, Ultramarines.
ExchangedHades is offline  
post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-12, 12:07 PM
Senior Member
 
Pusser's Avatar
Pusser's Flag is: Denmark
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Under your bed
Posts: 176
Reputation: 8
Default

What he said, about Ceramite used for buildings...

Also:
I found it a bit amusing and then a bit confusing that he was afraid all of the sudden. It made me wonder for a moment wether he was Guardsman/human in power armor, or a Spacemarine.
"...And they shall know no fear"

If you can whine about it, you haven't been hurt enough.
Pusser is offline  
Reply

  Lower Navigation
Go Back   Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums > Fiction, Art and Roleplay Game Discussion > Original Works

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome