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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-07-12, 02:32 AM
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First original work I've read on here, and I have to say, I'm encouraged! You have a talent for description. I actually liked how you alternated between the old man's emotion and the events that caused it. The ending leaves me a little uncertain--did the events of the story actually take place? If so, how did he end up in the hospital? But I feel maybe it makes more sense that he murdered his daughter and, in his ensuing coma, dreamed up the purgatory he's trapped in. Not sure; some clarity would be nice. All the same, I again admire your description of his emotional state throughout.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-07-12, 11:48 AM
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I think the ending works better without confirmation of whether he is mad or not.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-12, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by maelstrom48 View Post
First original work I've read on here, and I have to say, I'm encouraged! You have a talent for description. I actually liked how you alternated between the old man's emotion and the events that caused it. The ending leaves me a little uncertain--did the events of the story actually take place? If so, how did he end up in the hospital? But I feel maybe it makes more sense that he murdered his daughter and, in his ensuing coma, dreamed up the purgatory he's trapped in. Not sure; some clarity would be nice. All the same, I again admire your description of his emotional state throughout.
Thanks for reading and commenting. The story's end was meant to keep the reader guessing somewhat. But here's the skinny on the matter. Though the man was in a coma his mind was not. He had indeed received the culmination of the pact in his mind, but not in body. Spirit and flesh as it were. His spirit is stuck for all eternity while his flesh wastes away and will soon be forgotten. Be careful what you wish for.

We move slowly through the shrouds of fog sending pestilence before us. There is no hope! We are the Death Guard. Fear us for we are coming for you!
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-12, 07:12 PM
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Very good. It seems like a cliche to say this but the story is hauntingly beautiful. I know I'm just throwing more praise on to the pile at this point, but you've got some serious talent.

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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-10-12, 05:37 AM Thread Starter
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Very good. It seems like a cliche to say this but the story is hauntingly beautiful. I know I'm just throwing more praise on to the pile at this point, but you've got some serious talent.
Thanks a lot. Your praise is very well received and needed since I have an immense inferiority complex.

We move slowly through the shrouds of fog sending pestilence before us. There is no hope! We are the Death Guard. Fear us for we are coming for you!
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