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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-10-12, 01:18 AM Thread Starter
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Default A Sable Swords Novel - The New Era

Hi guys, i have decided to post my novel chapter by chapter as i get round to finishing them, it will take some time to write every chapter so i think it will be about 1-2 weeks between each post, depending on the size of the chapters.

this is my first novel that concentrates on the Sable Swords chapter of the Space Marines, this is the follow up to my previous short stories and i would insist you read the others first to learn about some of the characters and the stuff what happened before The New Era began.

This is the link for the other storys - The Rise Of Lord Lenix



Now for the new story, like i said it will be a while between each post so be patient if you enjoy the start, i would love to hear what people think as well to post as you will with your reviews.


A Sable Swords Novel

The New Era

Prologue – An Unexpected Arrival


It was freezing; snow lay in every direction that anyone looked. A group of five men made their way through the thick snow, miles from the nearest imperial outpost. Wearing thick long coats over there body armour; the coat was coloured white and grey with a camouflage texture. Hoods over their heads and balaclava’s covering their faces, equipped with long sniper rifles also coloured with a camouflage texture, this was no terrain any man could spend prolonged time in. The group of men had been in the desert of ice for over a week, scouting the lands for any signs of unknown forces that might have been sneaking their way onto the surface. But with such despairing conditions, what would anyone want on this frozen planet.

The Valhallan Ice Warriors lived everyday in these conditions, after so long it became like a second nature to these brave warriors. To survive and protect the ice world from opposing forces, Ork’s were the main enemy to these soldiers. The main memory for this ice world was when Ork space ships were cast through the warp, descending on the planet, the Ork’s fought to take the food the humans had stored away for their survival.

They fought for a long time, holding the Ork’s off, however pushed back to the food storage known as the food vats. The battle was looking hopeless; however they managed to use ice-boring machines to bore there way underneath the Ork forces. The battle soon changed as the machines ran amok amongst the Ork’s burning them to a crisp; the Valhallan’s had suddenly taken to the offensive tearing down any remaining Ork’s that remained alive.


The Ice Warriors had set up their camp for the night, as the light started to disappear behind the frozen mountains. It was to get much colder during the hours of the night, however they had spent years in these conditions and knew exactly how to survive. There would be one man on sentry duty for no more than one hour at a time, spending to long outside in the frozen wasteland would be a bad idea. It was early hours in the morning and one of the soldiers was looking out into the night sky, gazing amongst the stars, when suddenly there was a flash of light.

It was like a bolt of fire bursting from the stars, hurtling towards the planet’s surface. Could it have been a comet? Could it of been some sort of shrapnel that got caught in the planet’s atmosphere? He couldn’t be certain; he awoke his sergeant to inform him of what he was witnessing. Before they knew it, the soldier and his sergeant watched the object disappear in the distance, suddenly there was faint noise. Some sort of bang, the sound had seemed to resemble that of a small explosion; the object must have collided with the surface. It was still unbearable conditions but the sergeant was curious, waking his squad, he ordered them to pack everything up, they were going to see what it was.

The squad had made their way to the location of the crashed object, crouching down next to the edge of a surrounding mountain. They had rose their camouflaged sniper rifles, and looked to the object through their high spec scopes, it was dark and visibility was seriously reduced. “In the name of the emperor” the sergeant of the group had quietly spoken; the object resembled what he believed to be a Space Marine drop pod, unable to see anything more in such dark lighting and at such a distance. “Looks like some space marines have crash landed, let’s take a closer look” the sergeant throw his orders to his squad, they once again made their way closer.

Staying in the shadows of the mountains, they made their way closer like a pack of wolves stalking their prey. They were only around six hundred metres from the crashed drop pod now, looking down there scopes once again they could see more this time. There was six figures standing around the pod, they looked like giants, massive figures wearing huge armour, they resembled the sight of some sort of half giants. Staying completely quiet and out of sight, the squad just watched the actions of the Space Marines.

Only a few minutes later the sergeant made a decision, speaking his orders quietly “let’s go see if they need assistance men”. Standing up and slowly approaching the Space Marines, moving out of the shadows the sergeant saw one of the Marines point in their direction. Before they knew it there was suddenly a barrage of gunfire heading straight for them, knowing this was out of the ordinary, the squad hit the deck, aiming their rifles at the marines they could now see exactly what the Marines looked like.

Tall with black armour with a golden trim, skulls decorated their armour with spikes emerging from all parts of their steel shell. “Fire at will”, the sergeant shouted his orders. Their sniper rifles were powerful and highly accurate at this distance, compared to the unknown space marine’s arsenal. As shots began to fire from the tips of their snipers, within seconds the rounds would rip through the armour of the marines. With such accuracy every shot would find its way through their helmets, or the direct spot where their heart should be, dropping them to the floor as blood pour from the wounds. It didn’t take long for the squad of Ice Warriors to kill the small group of unprovoked marines.

The squad moved on the location of the dead soldiers, looking to figure out who exactly they were. These soldiers had not seen anything like this before, as they removed the helmet of one of the marines, they suddenly jumped at the sight. Pale white skin and loads of scars they looked like a living version of death, well no longer living version. The sergeant attached the helmet he had removed to his back pack; he thought maybe someone in the outpost would know who they were.


The squad had returned to the nearest outpost only taking just over a hour, they searched for the commanding officer. “You there” the sergeant shouted at the patrolling soldier, “where’s Captain O’Mara?” he finished his question. “In the officers mess, sergeant” the man had replied confident of the captain’s location, he knew the rank of the sergeant by the marks on his long jacket. The squad made their way inside the mess and there were only two people inside.

One was definitely older with a bushy grey beard and nearly bald hair style, the other was younger, short black hair covered his scalp. Both were wearing plain clothes, they must have been off duty at the moment, so they couldn’t guess exactly which one was the commanding captain. “Were looking for Captain O’Mara” the sergeant made an inquiry. “Who wants to know” the older of the two men had spoken in a deep voice. “Sergeant Maxium, of the 115th platoon, Scout Snipers” the sergeant identified himself. “You have a reason to be here sergeant?” the man questioned Maxium.

“As a matter of fact yes, there was a Space Marine drop pod crashed landed about 6 clicks east, when we tried to approach there location, they opened fire unexpectedly, we managed to kill them and retrieve one of their helmets, but we are pretty sure they are not normal marines” the sergeant informed the man, also informing him off what they looked like.

“You have the helmet with you sergeant”, the man asked with a sudden sense of hesitation emitting from his voice. The sergeant placed the helmet on the table in front of the officer. “In the name of the emperor, what would the black legion be doing here, Lieutenant send a distress beacon, if the chaos are here we need to inform the nearest Space Marines” the man ordered the younger looking man identifying the older man as the superior officer.

“Yes captain” he acknowledged the command before jumping up and jogging out of the mess. “You sergeant come with me, the rest of you must be freezing and hungry, report to the barracks and have a rest” the man throw out another command, “Right sergeant, Captain O’Mara at your service, were going to need you to show us the location of the drop pod”, “Yes sir” the sergeant agreed to the captain’s orders before leaving the mess at the captains side.


Floating throughout the endless darkness of space, a huge ship slowly made its way around the Ultima Segmentum. There was a massive print on the side of the vessel, ‘Victorian’. This was one of the two battle barges currently used by the Sable Swords Chapter of the Space Marines. Onboard the ship there was suddenly sounds of alarms being sounded; Space Marines wearing Black armour with a white trim were making their way around the ship. On the bridge there were only six marines, one stood out more than the rest, with a cape stretching down his back, white with a black pattern bordered around the edge. He also wore quite a lot of purity seals upon his armour.

Red lights flashing upon the bridge, the marine who was obviously the commanding officer began to speak, “What is going on Zannis?” He directed his question to a single marine who was operating the pilot controls, “A distress beacon captain originating from the plant Valhalla”. “Plot a course immediately brother” the captain ordered his pilot. “Affirmative sir, six hours till arrival captain”, Zannis informed his commanding officer. “Sergeant Rastonos, prepare a squad to deploy to the surface” the captain suddenly ordered one of the marines.

This one was wearing a red coloured helmet, he also bore many purity seals upon his armour, he seemed bigger in size to the rest of the marines on the bridge. “Aye Captain Ramov, we will be ready to deploy upon arrival sir” the sergeant responded to the order before leaving the bridge. The captain stared at the screen in front of him, watching as the ship began to pick up speed, and the arrow pointer on the screen following a line which was connected to a small circular planet shaped picture, which was marked with a small name ‘Valhalla’. He wondered what could possibly be troubling the Imperial Guard upon the Planet of ice.


I hope you enjoyed the prologue to my novel, and i hope you guys will be keeping an eye on this thread for future chapters.

Thanks for reading

Last edited by Byrnz; 01-11-12 at 03:25 PM.
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-10-12, 04:53 PM
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Default Edited somewhat.

Okay, I went through and changed some sentence structure but did not change the story. I will be back soon to finish up. I also think you should submit your story to the Heresy Editing Service on Original Works Sticky section as they could do an even better job of educating you on the editing process.


A Sable Swords Novel

The New Era

Prologue Ė An Unexpected Arrival


It was freezing; snow lay in every direction that anyone looked. A group of five men made their way through the thick snow, miles from the nearest imperial outpost. They wore thick long coats over their body armour, coloured in white and grey camouflage. Hoods over their heads, this was no terrain any man could spend prolonged time in.

The Valhallan Ice Warriors lived everyday in these conditions. After so long it became like a second nature to these brave warriors to survive and protect the ice world from opposing forces. Orks were the main enemy to these soldiers.

The main memory for this ice world was when Ork space ships were cast through the warp, descending on the planet. The Orks fought to take the food from the humans who had made this place their home. They fought for a long time, holding the Orks off, however they had been pushed back to the food storage units known as the Food Vats.

The battle looked hopeless, however they did manage to use ice-boring
machines to bore there way underneath the Ork forces. The battle soon changed as the machines ran amok amongst the Orks burning them to a crisp. The Valhallans soon took to the offensive tearing down any remaining Orks.


The five men had been in the open land for over a week scouting for any signs of enemy forces that might be sneaking their way onto the surface, but with such despairing conditions what would anyone want on this frozen planet.

The Ice Warriors had set up their camp for the night as the light started to disappear behind the frozen mountains. It was going to get much colder during the hours of the night, however they had spent years in these conditions and knew exactly how to survive.

There would be one man on sentry duty for no more than one hour at a time, spending to long outside was a bad idea. It was early hours and one of the soldiers was looking out into the night sky when suddenly there was a flash of light.

It was like a bolt of fire bursting from the stars, hurtling towards the planetís surface. What could it be, a comet? Could it be some sort of shrapnel that got caught in the planetís atmosphere. He couldnít be certain and awoke his sergeant to inform him of what he was witnessing.

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-12, 11:04 AM
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The idea behind the story seems interesting so you have an excellent basis to keep the reader engaged.

The main issue I have with your style is that the flow, particularly of time, seems a little rambling and muddled in places. As the chapter divides between tension and brutal combat this is especially noticeable: most obviously there are instances of response following stimulus which evokes confusion rather than punchy action; also you sometimes repeat a description or phrase unnecessarily.

As an example:
"The battle was looked hopeless, however they managed to use ice-boring machines to bore there way underneath the Ork forces. The battle soon changed as the machines ran amok amongst the Orkís burning them to a crisp, the Valhallans soon took to the offensive tearing down any remaining Orkís."
You have used the word soon twice in this brief description. I do not think it gives any extra information the second time as the reader is already expecting a change in the tide of battle (you have already told them in the first sentence), so the repetition breaks the tension by moving the reader's mind back to the previous sentences.

The machines running amok is the cause of the change so would flow better before the change in the battle that they cause.

Therefore I suggest the section might work better as:
"The battle was looked hopeless: however they managed to use ice-boring machines to tunnel up beneath the Ork forces. As the machines ran amok amongst the Orks, burning them to a crisp, the Valhallans seized the offensive tearing down any remaining Orkís."
You have also laid your sentences out in a very broken fashion; I suggest editing them together to form mini-scenes to keep the action flowing.

So taking the section Adrian has reviewed and trying my suggestions it might work better as:
The air was freezing and snow lay in every direction. Miles from the nearest imperial outpost, a group of five men made their way through the thick snow. Even wrapped in thick long coats over their body armour {you said ...coloured in white and grey camouflage... Is this the armour or the coat as it was not clear from the draft} and with hoods over their heads, this was not terrain in which any normal man could spend prolonged time. However, the Valhallan Ice Warriors lived everyday in these conditions. After so long it became like a second nature to these brave warriors to survive and protect the ice world from opposing forces. The five men had been in the open land for over a week scouting for any signs of enemy forces that might be sneaking their way onto the surface, but with such despairing conditions what would anyone want on this frozen planet.

Orks were the main enemy to these soldiers; the strongest memory for all the humans who made this place their home was Ork space ships, cast through the warp, descending on the planet. The Orks had sought to take the meagre food supplies from the humans. The Vallhallans had fought without cease, holding the Orks back but they had been pushed back to the food storage units known as the Food Vats. With the defenders exhausted and cut off from rescue, the battle looked hopeless: however they managed to use ice-boring machines to tunnel up beneath the Ork forces. As the machines ran amok amongst the Orks, burning them to a crisp, the Valhallans seized the offensive tearing down any remaining Orks.

The Ice Warriors had set up their camp for the night as the light started to disappear behind the frozen mountains. Although was going to get much colder during the hours of the night their years of living in these conditions had taught them exactly how to survive. No man would be on sentry duty for more than one hour at a time before moving into shelter.

It was the early hours of the morning and one of the soldiers was looking out into the night sky.{why was he looking at the sky? boredom, part of his watch pattern}. Suddenly a flash of light, like a bolt of fire bursting from the stars, hurtled towards the planetís surface. "What could it be," he thought, "a comet? Could it be some sort of shrapnel that got caught in the planetís atmosphere?" He couldnít be certain and awoke his sergeant to inform him of what he was witnessing.
I hope these suggestions are helpful and make sense. I am happy to go over anything in more detail or make suggestions for other parts of the text if you are not sure about anything.
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Thanks for your input dave, i will surely be reformatting the text at a later date before i start work on the first main chapter, in the mean time i think i will spend time in going back over this text and applying the recommendations i have received.

not all rookies can strike lucky and write a perfect piece of text without errors and flaws and im grateful that you and Adrain took some time in helping me find these small errors

i will work on this part today and sort it out and edit the main post with the reformatted on later on. XD i will spend a few hours working through it.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-12, 02:02 PM
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Glad I was of some help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Byrnz View Post
not all rookies can strike lucky and write a perfect piece of text without errors and flaws
I believe that many professional authors rewrite major sections of their work two or three times, so getting it spot on first time would be very skilled.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-12, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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A reformatted version has been posted in replace of the original text i hope the changed i made has made it seem better.

i rejoined most of the text to reform the paragraphs, extended a few descriptive pieces of the text as well as inserting a little bit extra in there, the original text is still there just a few little changes i had seen fit surely in my view made this text a bit better than it was originally
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-12, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Byrnz View Post
A reformatted version has been posted in replace of the original text i hope the changed i made has made it seem better.
I found the grouped sentences much easier to read.

I notice you have kept most of the text unchanged; what are your thoughts on my other suggestions?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave T Hobbit View Post
The idea behind the story seems interesting so you have an excellent basis to keep the reader engaged.

The main issue I have with your style is that the flow, particularly of time, seems a little rambling and muddled in places. As the chapter divides between tension and brutal combat this is especially noticeable: most obviously there are instances of response following stimulus which evokes confusion rather than punchy action;
Right for starters the time part you mentioned (underlined) this is resolved in the first main chapter, as i have stopped jumping in certain places and made the plans to write it more smoothly.

secondly the part you mentioned about the tension and brutal combat (Bold) i wasnt to clear on what you meant by this, i was hoping you could help me understand better????
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-12, 08:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Byrnz View Post
secondly the part you mentioned about the tension and brutal combat (Bold) i wasnt to clear on what you meant by this, i was hoping you could help me understand better????
Certainly.

Both combat and tension work by making the reader focus on what is happening now and wonder what is going to happen next. This is easiest to achieve by putting events in the order that they happen and showing the consequences of actions after the actions.

For example in this paragraph:
Tall with black armour with a golden trim, skulls decorated their armour with spikes emerging from all parts of their steel shell. ďFire at willĒ, the sergeant shouted his orders. Their sniper rifles were powerful and highly accurate at this distance, compared to the unknown space marineís arsenal. As shots began to fire from the tips of their snipers, within seconds the rounds would rip through the armour of the marines. With such accuracy every shot would find its way through their helmets, or the direct spot where their heart should be, dropping them to the floor as blood pour from the wounds. It didnít take long for the squad of Ice Warriors to kill the small group of unprovoked marines.
The description of the shots tells the reader that they will rip through the armour before it happens, so the description of the shots killing the marines seems anti-climactic as the reader already knows it is going to happen.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-12, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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bingo, thanks for clearing that up i will use this information in the next chapter, since i will be reaching the fighting parts soon.

also i was wondering i have this feeling i might be doing something wrong but cant be certain, in the next chapter the space marines are meeting Captain O'Mara who i have already described once in the prologue i was wonder would i make a small description as the marines meet him for the first time or could i jump straight into the captain just introducing his name?

and dave you have helped me out alot much appreciated. more rep for you mate
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