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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-26-11, 02:54 AM Thread Starter
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Waking up to excrutiating pain usually meens something bad has just happened. This is exactly what was running through Selonius's mind as he tried to gather his senses. Taking in his surroundings he soon realized what had just happened.

Looking around the wrecked Landspeeder, his eyes fixed on the unconcious form of his charge. Lord Ambassador Civlov. He was breathing, which is usually a good sign in situations like this. Civlov was very important, he held knowledge which Brother-Captain Helios obviously found to be extremely urgent, and dangerous.

The Young Neophite and his small unit of Ultramarine scouts were sent to the surface to collect, protect and escort Lord-Ambassador Civlov from his office chambers in the city of Netra Secondus, Capital Hive City on the planet Netra 4, to a pre-designated RV in the open wastes of the planets vast desert.

Trying to stand, Selonius realized his right leg was shattered as he fell back down to the cold interior of the Landspeeder. " Gannacus!" he tried to call out the name of his comrade, tried to raise the attention of any other survivors, but his voice was hoarse and little more than a ruttled soud passed his lips. Looking again around the dark interior of the craft he saw Gannacus. Hi broken body lay in an unnatural position, lifeless.

"Get up Space Marine" the familiar voice came from behind Selonius. Brother Sgt.Barca whispered the words of encouragement to the injured scout. "We must get the Ambassador to safety.

Using all of his willpower, and shutting off the pain Selonius pulled himself upright and began to make his way to the still unconcious Civlov.

"I will aid the Ambassador, Selonius. Get out of this wreck before it ignites"

Taking this as an order without question, Selonius scrambled out of the Landspeeder and collapsed in the hot, blue Netran sand. He was shortly followed by Barca, who was carrying Lord Ambassador Civlov over his shoulder.

After being dropped on the ground, Civlov began to stir. "The sample. Do we still have the sample?" These were the first words to pass his lips as he sat imself upright. He put his shaking hand inside his cloak and removed a small vial of a creamy white opaque liquid. "They will be coming for this. We must hurry. Please!"

The Landspeeder had clearly been taken down by Lascannon fire. Although the range on these weapons were great, both Selonius and Sgt.Barca knew their assailants could not be too far away.

"This sample must hold some importance Lord Amssador" Sgt. Barca made this a statement. On the horizon he could see what seemed to be a unit of Imperial Guardsmen. "Your planetary defence force have sent aid"

Three lasrifle beams passed over head by about ten feet, followed by the whistling screams of mortar fire. "What in the name of The Emperor?!?" Shouted Selonius.

Sgt.Barca raised his rifle and gazed through the scope. He could not believe what he could see. The Guardsmen had removed any Imperial insignia from their uniforms, and replaced it with obscene Ruinic symbols. "Traitors! Could this be an isolated group of Cultists?" Barca knew the nearest Imperial Guard Garrison was at least 800 km away.

"No, they come for my sample. They do not want it to be brought to the attention of the Imperium!" Civlov gave out a sream as he was hit by a beam of searing hot light.

Barca dropped to his side, the wound would prove to be fatal. Dark, almost black blood seeped out of Civlov's abdomen. Even Barca could see the Ambassador's liver had been pierced. There is no healing a wound of this manner, but death would be slow.

"Take it Space Marine, get it to your Lord Captain. This sample must leave the planet and be brought to the attention of the Imperium." Civlov handed the vial to the Scout Seargent.

"What is it?" Demanded Selonius "What is so important in this small vial that Guardsmen would turn traitor for?"

"Speak, Ambassador" The tone in Sgt.Barca's voice held a hint of urgency as he again raised his rifle. Only this time he fired, dropping his target with ease. The Traitors were closing in.

"They have not turned traitor for this, this is part of their plan. Their, have been rumors of, heretics, for ,years on Netra. They are, Chaotic. But have only showed, themselves, recent,ly" Civlov was now struggling to speak. The fear in his face was not hard to see. "They plan, to allow, this, to destroy us. Their goal will be, achieved, without effort, if you do not, get this, off, planet."

"What is it?" this was a demand, not a request. Barca was again loosing off shots from his sniper rifle.

Civlov's breathing became heavy. These were his last moments. Struggling to keep his breath, he finally managed to mutter the one word which strikes fear into the heart's of all men. But not Space Marines. "Tyranid. The sample is Tyranid!" Civlov took his last breath.

"What would the ruinic powers want with Tyranid?" The question displayed the confusion felt by Selonius.

"I do not know," came the reply "Set out a distress beacon requesting aid from our brothers in orbit" Barca knew it would be little mot=re than five minutes before the traiters were upon them, but a drop pod of Tactical Marines would be there in six. "Tyranids?"...........

To me my brothers!
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-26-11, 03:01 AM
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As a heads up, since you posted this twice, I'm just removing the second thread as the story is the same. Once I get a chance, I'll give it a read through and give you some feedback. Again, welcome to the FanFic Boards of Heresy-Online!


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-26-11, 03:48 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah sorry about that, pc playing up and poor bb connection today

To me my brothers!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-06-12, 02:40 PM
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Not a bad start, I do have two things for you though:

1. Be careful of mixing verb tenses, especially in the opening sections of the story. You hop back and forth several times from past tense (standard) while interjecting some present tense throughout. Keeping this constant helps with the flow of the story.

2. You had some great opportunities for some descriptive (but not overly so!) Passages, especially when the attack began. You minimized it, which gives more of a detached feeling to the reader and makes it a little more difficult to really get captured by the events as they unfold.

All in all, a good first post in the Fiction boards! Sorry it took me so long to post a critique, but I've been busy as hell haha. Hope to see more from you in the future, and be sure to check out the monthly Expeditious Stories challenge found stickied at the top of the forum, it's a fun way to compete with the other authors on HO on a monthly basis.


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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