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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 11-29-11, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Default She has me, both heart and soul!

She has me, both heart and soul!


Beware the eyes of a beautiful woman. Beware the way she moves and the way she speaks; also beware of the way she uses her body, the gait of her walk, the swaying of her hips and the firmness of her shoulders. Beware the alluring temptation of her lips and the enticements of her perfume. Beware her gentle touch and her kind words, for many a strong man has fallen to her deceit!

I know this to be true for I was one of them. I watched her moving upon the stage, slowly displaying her goods, moving like flames in a gentle breeze. I watched her green eyes flash with intoxication and desire and I wanted her. She was like burning embers setting my soul alight, but in her heart was the mark of Chaos.

The more I watched her move, listened to her song and smelled her sweet scent the more I could not resist her sirens call. Her eyelids blinked slowly and ponderously and with them she hooked my spirit. She enticed my need and stirred the fires of my passion.

She moved on the stage like a blackened silhouette, her body hiding the poison in her blood! I could not break free of her wares for she was a soulless trap that had me by the heart and reduced my mind to hapless abandon.

Her naked body transformed my reason into blind desire and laid waste to my sanity. A spawn of corruption, the woman chained me to her will.

Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little ears what you hear, be careful little hands what you touch, but most of all be careful little soul what you allow to chain you down! I watched with eyes that were no longer my own the actions of the flesh that I could no longer control.

My body moved without my will while my soul screamed out in voiceless terror. I heard her laughter as my hand slew my neighbor and I heard her voice as she sang through my open mouth. Blood filled my vision as she flayed my friends using hands I could not withhold.

Though I tried to break free from her will, I found that I could not. The sweetness of her voice, the beauty of her body and the caress of her gentle gaze had fled away and now in the end I knew her for what she was, a spawn of Chaos undivided, a soulless thing that would never let me go.

Beware the eyes of a beautiful woman. Beware the way she moves and the way she speaks; also beware of the way she uses her body, the gait of her walk, the swaying of her hips and the firmness of her shoulders. Beware the alluring temptation of her lips and the enticements of her perfume. Beware her gentle touch and her kind words, for many a strong man has fallen to her deceit!

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 11-30-11, 11:08 PM
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Nothing quite like a tale of a Slaaneshi stripper haha. Well done. The repetition throughout was well executed in a manner that helped string it along and join it all together (primarily the opening/closing paragraphs) and give me a feel-good-loop for such a short story.

One thing I would caution, and is something I've seen in the past, is (what seems to me) to be an overuse of exclamation marks.

Quote:
Beware the alluring temptation of her lips and the enticements of her perfume. Beware her gentle touch and her kind words, for many a strong man has fallen to her deceit!
This one I think is warranted and fits in well to emphasize the sentence.

Quote:
She moved on the stage like a blackened silhouette, her body hiding the poison in her blood!
Quote:
Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little ears what you hear, be careful little hands what you touch, but most of all be careful little soul what you allow to chain you down!
Read these aloud to yourself. When doing so, do you think you are really 'exclaiming' them? I may simply have the wrong tone in my head when I read these entries, but the emphasis seems out of place, more so with the latter due to the long list preceding it.

Good shit though, mate, keep it coming!


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-01-11, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boc View Post
Nothing quite like a tale of a Slaaneshi stripper haha. Well done. The repetition throughout was well executed in a manner that helped string it along and join it all together (primarily the opening/closing paragraphs) and give me a feel-good-loop for such a short story.

One thing I would caution, and is something I've seen in the past, is (what seems to me) to be an overuse of exclamation marks.


This one I think is warranted and fits in well to emphasize the sentence.



Read these aloud to yourself. When doing so, do you think you are really 'exclaiming' them? I may simply have the wrong tone in my head when I read these entries, but the emphasis seems out of place, more so with the latter due to the long list preceding it.




yes I know the dangers of ! overuse, but in this case they were intentional as to show warning, danger and fear that the captive was feeling. I try not to use !'s unless they fit, so yes wrong tone in your head. You should have read it in a desperate, terror tone... Yeeeeesss, Desperate Teeror. hahahahahahahahaha! Laughter in tone of maniacle bad guy, not child being tickled. lol

Good shit though, mate, keep it coming!

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
Other stories from Adrian.
Look up Adrian in the "Compendium" to find them. Thanks

Last edited by Adrian; 12-01-11 at 12:35 AM.
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