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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-04-15, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Default Like Veet, but worse.

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Lisa What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Lisa what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Saracen looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Saracen (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was making moaning sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jace of Ultramar View Post
I think Tawa is a temporal entity that exists outside of the hobby/modeling timeline. Essentially, he's the Heresy Online equivalent of a Time Lord... which is kinda hilarious and frightening all at the same time.
"God-Emperor? Calling him a god was how all this mess started."
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-04-15, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tawa View Post
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
I could have told you that one
thank you for the laughs.

on a serious note I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself while trashing about.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-04-15, 07:00 PM
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Some lessons are learned the hard way. Sorry but I have never laughed this much ever at something I red on heresy!
Your wife is a most fortunate soul to have someone like you looking out for her.

Good to be green

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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-04-15, 09:36 PM
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"a public service announcement from Tawa"

...it would go like this!!! Glad to hear you survived pal

Unfortunately Canada got rid of the penny and now my two cents rounds down to zero, so...take it for what you will.

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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-04-15, 11:26 PM
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Tasers are totally just toys. Now, cattle prods? That's what you're after. *That* is a rush.

IN THE US? ASK ME HOW TO GET 10% OFF GAMES WORKSHOP PRODUCTS!

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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-15, 02:59 AM
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Good grief!!! You've got to be kidding, you really tazed yourself? I'm glad you're ok and everything, I really am. However, I must admit to laughing my ass off over this one!
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-15, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moriouce View Post
Sorry but I have never laughed this much ever at something I red on heresy!
Clearly you missed this one......


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jace of Ultramar View Post
I think Tawa is a temporal entity that exists outside of the hobby/modeling timeline. Essentially, he's the Heresy Online equivalent of a Time Lord... which is kinda hilarious and frightening all at the same time.
"God-Emperor? Calling him a god was how all this mess started."
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-15, 09:20 PM
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Laughed my c#ck off! Thanks mate, you made a boring evening a really good one!

NUMPTY!!!!!!

That's what happens when you drink too much gut-rot scrumpy at musters!
.

"Death occurs when a lethal projectile comes together in time and space with a suitable target, in the absence of appropriate armour or protection”


Check out my 40K 'Epic' about the Hunted verses the Inquisition: https://www.heresy-online.net/forums/...98#post2184698

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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-15, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
Heresy Online's Pet Furby
 
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Default



Quote:
Originally Posted by Jace of Ultramar View Post
I think Tawa is a temporal entity that exists outside of the hobby/modeling timeline. Essentially, he's the Heresy Online equivalent of a Time Lord... which is kinda hilarious and frightening all at the same time.
"God-Emperor? Calling him a god was how all this mess started."
Tawa is offline  
post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-15, 11:26 PM
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Wow. Umm.



Also...



That should about cover it.


Nonsense is our Salvation

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