Not so much what I bought, but what was bought for me;
I picked up a package from the BFPO when I was in Ghanners, and there was a package marked "brutal dildos" on every single possible square inch of the packaging. Thinking it was a typical package, I ripped it open looking for the goodies inside before the scavengers managed to rob it all, and before the CSM ripped me a new one seeing the box. There must have been a good £300 worth of latex sex toys in there.
Little did I know it was actually a package full of dildos including one that was about the size of a cannon shell. This was "THE dildo". All the other ones went missing within days as everyone managed to get their hands on them somehow and take them for their own private usage. Obvious beastings followed, including a fake whipping session where I was whipped with my own dildos.
Anyay, THE dildo occasionally went missing, and usually rocked up in the middle of operations - including one time when it was missed during a pre flight check on one of our rides, and the as the pilot went into evasive action when we got the ping from a SAM lock, he rolled out, but hit a rising heat wave, causing a slight wobble, losing height with a low G "bounce" - and he saw THE dildo floating in his eyeline for what felt like a couple of seconds.
Another occasion was when we were being visited at Bastion by what we thought were some CIA spooks having a look at how we were doing under the guise of some congressmen senator cretin thingy's protection detail. We had lost THE dildo for some weeks (I had attached it to the bumper of our mastiff, and for three weeks, no-one noticed it there until we tried to tow a broken down jingly truck. It then disappeared and thought lost) by this stage, but as we were all loafing around pretending and failing to look busy, we saw the CO's face drop sheet white when he saw a couple of the lads grin when the REMF asked to get the camera out of the CO's drawer; he never went in here as many had some form of digicam or gopro and Official PhotOps were usually done by the "super special secret" super lazy Royal Navy Camera teams, but none were available.
The only other time I'd seen his face that white was a few years before when he got the news that the bird he'd been shagging for a bit of fun a few months before he deployed had spiked the johnny and he was now father of twins. His wife wasn't too happy about that as you can imagine, so when we saw that face, we knew instantly what it was.
I think there is still a photo around somewhere of this politician holding this thing which looked for all the world like some Jurassic Park sized Leech thicker than a grown mans arm with a bemused expression, while his security detail are just doing the whole "what the fuck are we doing with these weirdos/how the fuck did we get here" glance at each other despite the best efforts of the CO and the US Military lawyers.
To this day, I still have no idea who sent that package.
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