I was basically taken to one side and told, quite rightly, that my quality of work is so low that I am endanger of failing my course. I've been aware of this for some time and wasn't surprised by the conversation. I just currently find it impossible to motivate myself.
I don't want to say that I have been suffering from depression since New Years, because that just sounds so melodramatic and it just sounds like I'm making shitty excuses. So lets say that I have been suffering from debilitating melancholia.
Also, whether this is connected is up for debate, I have been suffering from health problems. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for a checkup because I have been experiencing lethargy, nausea (I usually want to vomit when I wake up and then feel like shit for the whole day), and pain in my gut and kidneys.
I was also somewhat concerned that, while having not drunk alcohol much recently, years of drinking may have caused some issues, so I wanted to just check it out.
Well, I managed to get some blood tests on Thursday and I have an ultrasound in March. So hopefully it's nothing bad. But given the fact that I feel so run down and am getting intense kidney pain and pain around my liver, as well as gastritis, it feels as though all my organs are about ready to give up.
I went to a club last night with friends and only drank water. Fuck me, how boring. Talking to drunk people is tedious when you're sober. Also, kebabs taste like shit.
And then there is the long drought of female attention. I had gone through several years of receiving a nice level of female attention. But since moving back to my home city, I have had total desolation on the female front. I caught the eye of a girl last night. For a second she looked at me with a surprised expression. A second later that expression turned to fear.
I guess it doesn't help that my boredom had resulted in a resting rage face. I've seen this look in the mirror a couple of times and it scared even me. It's the kind of expression someone has when they're about to tear out your spine and beat you to death with it. So maybe I should try smiling. Although being in a club with shit music and being stone sober doesn't exactly encourage me to smile.
Of course, I have signed up to every conceivable dating site. I get the classic situation where a girl will message me (she instigates! not me) and we talk and it's all very pleasant. Then as soon as I suggest meeting for a coffee, they cut all contact. *shrugs* What's the point in chatting for a week or two when you have no intention of meeting up?
Actually, I can answer that. I was talking to my younger cousin, who has often used such sites. She says that she usually has no intention of ever dating anyone from such sites, but if she's just broke up with a boyfriend, it's a good way to get an ego boost. She'll go on there and just bask in the amount of attention she gets from men, until she gets bored and deletes her account.
I actually came to the conclusion that I currently have more chance of becoming an Astartes and going of to Ullanor to fight Orks than I do of picking up girls right now.
Oh, and I'm financially broke.
Failing in education.
Failing in health.
Failing in love.
I think I'm currently managing to fail in every conceivable way. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about karma and cosmic justice and all that shit. The general idea being that everything will get better. I would love to believe in such magic, but the truth is, the universe is an uncaring mass of chaos. Nothing happens for a reason, it's all flopping around, foaming at the mouth like an epileptic man having a fit. Bad things happen to good people. Donald Trump is president. I don't have a mansion and a swimming pool filled with milkshake and ice cream.
I just need to drag myself out of this pit. I will force myself into a state of delusion where I actually enjoy my course and force myself to become motivated.
I'll get the test results next week for the blood, so we'll see if it's anything to be concerned about.
As for women...they're a xenos breed I can never comprehend.