Ok here's what I'm going to do to you. I’m going to get to know you over a gradual period of time, and over that time we will become the best of friends. I'll learn everything about you; your goals, your fears, your regrets, I'll become your closest confident. Once I learn everything I can about you your torment will start. I will introduce you to your dream girl; I'll scour the globe looking for a prostitute that looks exactly like you imagine the love of your life to be. I will tell her everything you told me about yourself, fabricate her back-story to be perfect, tweak every little thing possible to ensure you fall hopelessly in love. While your courtship lasts, I will again scour the globe looking for a man that is similar to you in every way possible. After you and your fake lover marry I will hire this man to sleep with your fake wife and conceive a child. I will get your fake wife to get her tubes tied shortly after the birth to make sure you don't impregnate her later on. You will raise this child who looks exactly like you for 16 years along with your fake wife, not knowing the sham that is your home life. When the child's 16th birthday finally comes, on that day your doom will begin. The man who is actually the child's father will arrive at the party and claim the child for his own in front of your entire family. Your fake wife will support that claim and tell you how she has always hated you and only stayed so long because your nemesis paid her off. I will pay off the judge in your divorce hearings, ensuring that your child and most of your belongings go to your ex-fake wife. With your home life in shambles and your child gone with its mother to an unknown location, I will proceed to destroy everything you have left. As you ponder the identity of your mysterious nemesis, I will kill off every single loved one you have in the most embarrassing way. Death by auto-erotic asphyxiation, death by falling giant clown shoe, the saddest moments of your life will be made worse by the ridiculousness of it all. Finally, when all seems lost and everyone you every loved is gone, I will be there with arms wide open. As you embrace your last and greatest friend I will whisper into your ear,” It was me” and stab you in the back. As you bleed out, the last thing you will see is me laughing.