|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|12-09-10 04:25 AM|
Originally Posted by waltzmelancholy_07 View Post
|12-09-10 02:17 AM|
Nice one Doelago... Rep for your style of storytelling...
|12-08-10 03:43 PM|
|ThatOtherGuy||Its not really a mistake, just word order and flow. Its something that a lot of armature writers have a difficulty with (including myself).|
|12-08-10 03:20 PM|
Originally Posted by ThatOtherGuy View Post
|12-07-10 11:17 PM|
Ok, so as you have asked, here is a little criticism that I have with this part.
I understood the plot of this little cut and I am deeply interested. Good job and keep at it. Don't worry about this critique, for I too fall for these mistakes once in a while.
|12-07-10 04:23 PM|
+++Inquisitorial Authority Needed+++
+++Searching for data+++
+++Opening File D/18/Delta86#B+++
+++Have a good day+++
Two days ago the planetary governor of Boronis Alpha requested me to “interview” an “prisoner”. As my duty as an Commissar demanded, I took the job onto my shoulders and the next morning I was sent to Orbital Defence station…
+++System Malfunction, please stay calm and be patient+++
+++Thank you for your patience+++
17293/B “Boronis”. I was guided through the cramped dark corridors of the station, until after two hours, and several heavily armed guard stations later, we arrived to a reinforced steel door. The door was guarded by two gun servitors, both carrying a Heavy Bolter. My guide handed me a laspistol and told me that I had permission to execute the “prisoner” if he went mad. I remember looking at the pistol and thinking “What the heck have I signed up for?”. The doors opened and I walked into a smal, and dark room. At first the room looked empty, but as I entered the room the doors closed behind me, and a bright light turned on above me, and I noticed that I was not alone in the room. In front of me was a steel table, and behind it sat a man. But it was no normal man, if it even could be called man. It was an Astropath. An Astropath was easily recognised by the fact that they had no eyes. I have never been to learned in the ways of their creation, so I cant explain why. The psyker had his head down on the table, as if he was sleeping, and I don’t think that he even registered that I entered the room.
“Hello. I am Commissar Visla of the 7th planetary Defence force regiment.”
The psyker looked up at me, or at least his head did, but he could not see me, for he had no eyes. Or could he? You could never know for sure when you were dealing with psykers.
The psyker did not reply to what I said, and instead he started saying random words. “It… I… I… Have… It… Seen… Darkness… Why… You… Here?”
I understood the question.
“I am here to interview you.” I replied as calmly as I could.
“It is… It is coming closer… It… Is here to… to…” The psyker replied.
“What is coming closer?” I asked.
“I am not the… The only one… Others have seen it! I am not mad. I am not the only one!!” The psyker almost shouted as he said it, and fell of his chair in the process.
“Not mad” I thought, he was clearly mad. Insane would be a more proper word for the situation.
“Please, could you start by telling me your name.” I said.
“Why do…” The spyker paused, before replying “Avitus Cygnus.”
“Good, now we will try take this slowly.” I said, before continuing “Could you tell me about this “thing” that is coming closer?”
“It is here… Not far away… It is watching… Listening… It knows… It knows that I tell you…”
“What knows?” I asked.
“I already told you, it knows…”
+++Cant retrieve data+++
+++File successfully loaded+++
I started to get frustrated with this madman.
“But who, or what, is this so called “it” that seems to know so much?” I asked and had to restrain myself from hitting a fist in the table.
“How many times do I have… You have not seen it… Have you? You have not started at it… You have not heard it talk… You have not seen the… The… Future… A future with no… No…” The psyker began shaking. “It knows! It talks to me!” The psyker screamed. I pulled my pistol and pointed it at the psykers head. I was about to fire when the door flew open and the two servitors walked into the room and quickly locked onto the psyker. They did not fire, but instead they grabbed the psyker with their free arm and dragged him screaming out of the room. Soon my guide came in. He told me that he knew nothing of what that madman had been trying to say, and after that he did not speak
+++Can not display data+++
###### ### ##### ##### ## ####? ### next day # was told that the ###### ### killed ######. That only proves that he is mad, ### ### ##### #### ##plain the ##### ## over three thousand astropath#? Was it a coincidence that so many killed themselves during a single night? I am not sure, but now I must stop writing, and return to my duty…
- Commissar Visla
|12-07-10 03:14 PM|
Originally Posted by Kai'n View Post
|12-07-10 03:11 PM|
|Kai'n||Whoa!!! I'd love to see the rest of the Rp keep it up!|
|12-07-10 09:39 AM|
Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
|12-07-10 05:52 AM|
|Serpion5||I like this so far, Doelago. You`ve quite effectively set up for a compelling story here without revealing too much too soon.|
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