|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|06-19-10 11:03 AM|
Great short story mate, have you ever read Matthew Riley, he writes alot like that.
Not much description (But still enough there to make it visualizable.) and heaps of action.
Great story, you've really captured what a Commissar does.
|06-15-10 07:54 PM|
No, I haven't actually read the Dan Abnett books apart from Horus Rising :p.
~Bane of Kings
|06-15-10 04:45 AM|
Not too bad, but you should have more action. I'm sure you've read Dan Abnett books. Check those again, and see how he does the action. I understand it was just a short story, but you should have more action. $0k people love the blood and guts. Have alittle more than he shot a marine and stabbed a dude with a power sword, get descriptive.
Besides that, really good man, keep it up!!!!
|06-13-10 08:11 PM|
yeah, thanks for your help and all feedback will be taken into consideration as I'll edit it asap.
~Bane of Kings
|06-13-10 05:43 PM|
This is a great concept but really needs more description. you explain whats happening but i cant visualise it. I dont know about the traitor marines, the guardsman, what the comissar looks like
Also there are parts where you could really do with linking sentences as constant full stops can increase the pace but in battle scenes it tends to simply break the flow of the piece and make it choppy and loose the effect of the action.
“For Victory!” responded the Guardsmen, cheering after the Commissar had roared his chosen war cry.. Several barrages from the three Basilisks behind him, stationed above the trenches on vantage points, brought down an enemy vehicle.
To me it is disjointed and irritating to read, however thats just my opinion
|06-13-10 05:01 PM|
I'm thinking of doing a Short story collection when I have enough short stories, but yeah, thanks for replying. .
~Bane of Kings
|06-13-10 01:29 PM|
very good, short sharp and full of action.
Can't wait till your next one:D
|06-12-10 06:38 PM|
Hold or Die: An Imperial Guard Short Story
I orignially intended to publish this but I thought, let's post it here. I'll hopefully get more reviews this way .
Hold or Die!
~An Imperial Guard Short Story~
“What is the strongest weapon of mankind? The god-machines of the Adeptus Mechanicus? No! The Astartes Legions? No! The tank? The lasgun? The fist? Not at all! Courage and courage alone stands above them all!”
— Lord Commander Solar Macharius
“YOU WILL HOLD or you will die!” Commissar Tauron of the Imperial Guard pulled the trigger at one of his own Guardsmen, who had turned at the first sight of the archenemy. Indeed, the sight of the horrors that opposed the unfortunate Guardsmen of the 112th Cadian Infantry Regiment was enough to make any man run.
But Tauron didn’t. He was proud, proud to serve the God-Emperor. He put his life second, and his duties first. Unlike some of his men. Turning his fire back to the hated Chaos, he managed to hit a renegade marine square on in the chest with his weapon, causing the renegade Astartes of the Black Legion to drop like a fly. “You see?” Commissar Tauron bellowed to his men. “This archenemy is not invincible! They can be killed just like you or me, they are not unstoppable!”
Massed lasgun fire ripped through the front line of charge, bringing down several traitors. Tauron roared, “For the Emperor!”
“For Victory!” responded the Guardsmen, cheering after the Commissar had roared his chosen war cry. Several barrages from the three Basilisks behind him, stationed above the trenches on vantage points, brought down an enemy vehicle.
Two Valkyries roared over head, unleashing fire into the back of the enemy line, halting the archenemy’s advance. Combined with the massed fire of the Guard, the Artillery and the Squadron of Leman Russes that were stationed with the 112th held the archenemy at bay.
Tauron grimaced as an anti-aircraft tank brought one of the Valkyries crashing down, exploding in a ball of flame. He looked up at the command bunker, where he knew that General Lupus was orchestrating the battle. He shouted at his Vox-Operator, Titus. “Get word to the General. Anti-Air Turrets about a mile west of our position.”
“Yes sir,” Titus replied, but before he could do anything else, a shot from the archenemy brought his head flying off his body, spitting blood across the floor. Suddenly, behind Tauron was a massive explosion, sending men and fortifications alike in all directions. There was a loud cheer from the archenemy, who mounted another charge.
Tauron clambered up from his position and wiped some blood from his mouth. One of the Leman Russes had been destroyed. A few Guardsmen joined him, just before the archenemy hit the trenches, and vaulted into them.
“Hold your ground!” repeated the Commissar. “The Emperor’s Light shines upon us all!”
The Chaos Marines were spitting curses at the Commissar, who plunged his Power Sword into one Archenemy, and then another. A stray bolter round whizzed past him, bringing another loyal Guardsman down. Commissar Tauron cursed.
Suddenly, there was a glimmer of hope. In the sky, he could see something hurtling towards him, and his face filled with relief, even though he was a Commissar. It was a Drop Pod. An Astartes Drop Pod. Not Just any Astartes. Astartes of the Salamanders Chapter.
Commissar Tauron cheered, despite being swamped by the archenemy, and over the mass weapon fire, his men roared with him.
Lemme know what you think.
~Bane of Kings