Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums - Reply to Topic
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

Thread: Glory to the foresighted Reply to Thread
Title:
Message:
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :
Post Icons
You may choose an icon for your message from the following list:
 

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










  Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

  Topic Review (Newest First)
07-23-09 02:18 AM
Legio Custode i have to say that was a very good story! Great description, use of words etc etc.

Overall very impressed!
07-19-09 02:53 PM
Alex Stooping to enter the land raider the two warriors saw Amethis sitting hunched over a computer screen gripping its panelling so tightly that cracks were starting to appear. The inside of the vehicle had obviously suffered from a violent outburst from their primarch. The walls had been indented with fist sized holes, and equipment lay damaged around the floor. As they moved further, Amethis swirled round, his face showing anger for a moment before quickly calming as he recognised them. Now he looked crestfallen, and as he motioned for them to sit, Demetrius glanced at the foresight father, who looked just as worried as he was.
“ Though I hate to say it, the eldar were correct in their words, our world will be destroyed by space marines”, Amethis sighed “It will happen within 10 years.”
Demetrius and the foresight father looked aghast at this knowledge, that a fellow legion could destroy their world was unthinkable.
“Wh.......who will it be that causes us such a terrible blow sir?” asked Demetrius.
Amethis turned to regard him and leaned in towards the two, his eyes locking with Demetrius.
“ Though I do not wish to believe any of our brothers could do this, the ships I saw belonged to the Luna Wolves. Horus, who I have long mistrusted, will turn against us. I have already called the transports to collect us, we will be making the journey back home to fortify it against attack. As soon as we return there I will travel personally to Terra to deliver the news. If I knew where his forces where I would send a message to the emperor but my insistence that we be left alone leaves me blind to his position”
“But sir, what about our campaign?” Demetrius questioned “the imperial army are here to support us now, we cannot just leave them.”
Amethis slammed his fist down, the metal below it crumpling under his strength, “ Don’t you think I know that, but this event could happen at any time and If it happened while I continued this campaign I could never live with myself. We cannot tell them of these events either, the shock of a legion revolting should be kept between space marines. We shall tell them of our departure as soon as we are ready to leave.”
Demetrius and the foresight father nodded and hurried out of the land raider, quickly relaying the news, though not yet divulging the full reason behind their removal.

---------------- 2 hours later on board the bridge of the Bellum Addo - the flagship of the II Legion.

The bridge lay in a hushed silence as Amethis paced back and forth along the gantries. Suddenly a light flashed and a face appeared on a pict screen. A crew member moved out of Amethis’ way so that he could speak to the Lord Commander directly.
A commanding voice came onto the vox, one that was obviously used to having his orders followed. “ What is the meaning of this....this absurd action my lord,” he demanded, “ My men have deployed and are destroying the remaining eldar, when I hear that you have left us here with no ships and that the mechanicus escort is leaving too.”
“We have more important business to attend to at present, commander, Amethis responded, “I believe that you can take care of the eldar, and begin the development of the world into an Imperial one. Once I have finished I will return to collect your forces.”
“That is unacceptable!” cried the commander “Horus shall hear of this trea....”
“Horus?!” interrupted Amethis, “I would be careful of your next words commander, for it is the Emperor and not Horus who I follow.” The anger in his voice was noticeable, and the bridge could see the Lord Commander tremble as he made to reply.
“Of course my lord, I only meant that as Warmaster, he should be notified.”
Amethis nodded, “Of course commander, you have every right to tell the ‘Warmaster’, we shall not keep you.” Shutting off the vox he called to the foresight fathers, “We need to look forward further than I can alone, meet me in the seeing room in 5 minutes. We enter the warp in 15.”
Nodding their acknowledgement they left the room followed by a groups of servitors. Waving for Demetrius to follow him, Amethis walked after them.
They walked into a darkened room with 10 chairs arranged in a circle, trailing wires and cables linking to a larger chair in the centre. The foresight fathers were already linking helmets bristling with wires to their heads as Amethis made to sit down. Demetrius looked warily at the assembled contraptions and Amethis noticed this as he placed his own helmet on.
“I know this appears much like a ritual of the witchcraft we aim to destroy my brother, but the Emperor allowed me to have this built for dire circumstances where foresight into the darkness of the far future is needed.” Amethis stated.
Demetrius nodded, content that his wariness had been foolish.
A servitor flicked a switch at a control desk and energy travelled along cables to each chair in turn. The occupants sat immobile, eyes wide open, a silvery sheen covering them as their power took hold. Pain creased their faces and blood began to trickle from their nose and ears, the strain obviously hard to manage even for a space marine. Only Amethis remained unaffected, sitting regally on his chair, a glow surrounding his body like a second skin over his armour. Demetrius brought his weapon up at this sight but one of Amethis’ custodians held him back with his hand, shaking his head. The glow slowly began to dissipate and the 10 fathers slumped down in their chairs, entering into a sleep to rest from their strain. Amethis fell forward onto the floor in front of him and Demetrius moved past the custodian to help his primarch back up.
“Sir what did you see?” he asked, a look of worry upon his face.
Amethis spoke slowly, sadness permeating his every word, “We went too far my brother, almost 10,000 years past this day. Horus and his legion are not alone in his treachery, fully half of the legions will turn. The Word Bearers, Thousand Sons, Emperors Children, Death Guard, Alpha Legion, Night Lords, Iron Warriors and Immortal Victors shall turn.
Demetrius and the custodians started, 10 legions betraying His word was even more unthinkable than just one. These were legions that had taken oaths for the Emperor and fought countless battles in his name.
“What of the Emperor’s crusade my lord? Surely his idea of a human empire filled with peace will exist, we will defeat these traitors?
Amethis slumped to the floor as the countdown till entry into the warp began.
“I believe we do stop their overall plan, but at a terrible price, and the Imperium is thrown into turmoil, there will be no peace, no respite, no forgiveness. In the grim, darkness of that far future I see only war.”
As he stated these last words the fleet was swallowed up by the embrace of the warp and the legions ships vanished from the system.


+++++ Encrypted message 378 +++++
Subject - II Legion
Transmitted by - High Lord of Terra (Full Access Granted)
Recipient - Adeptus Administratum
Viewing...
It has been 50 years since the terrible events of the Heresy, and more than that since the Amethyst Brothers disappeared into the warp and did not return.On the authority of the Emperor we have decreed that they be struck from our public records entirely. Their last recorded campaign left an Imperial Army group (Who subsequently joined the heretics) stranded, and while we do not wish to besmirch their name with excommunication, until we know their allegiance they will remain unknown to the rest of the Imperium. Even their fellow legions shall have all data slates wiped and be sworn to secrecy so it shall not be passed down to other generations. If they reappear we shall question them and deal with their status accordingly.

Public Status
Records Damaged beyond repair

Status to be accessed solely by the High Lords.
II Legion - The Amethyst Brothers
Homeworld - Contego
System - Barthel
Segmentum Obscurus
Location at present - unknown/trapped in the warp.

Message ends...

++++Thought for the day++++
It is better to die at the hands of heretics than die as one.



Well, that’s it, thought I’d leave it on a bit of a cliff-hanger at the end as those who have read the background know what occurs later. Anyone who would like to know more the link in my signature will take you to their background.
07-18-09 03:28 PM
Alex Penultimate chapter here, any C&C welcome.

Crackling energy appeared around the farseer and a concussive wave of force blew out at the advancing foresight fathers. They weathered the psychic storm, though the strain on their minds was obvious from the pained expressions on their faces. Drawing their force weapons, they formed a circle around the farseer and prepared to direct their own powers against her. Lightning arced from their fingers as they muttered incantations under their breath, the farseers armour glowing red hot from the power being pulsed through it. One of the fathers stepped forward and pointed the head of his hammer towards the farseer, a challenge which the xenos witch accepted. A long sleek spear that had been intwined within a wraithbone structure flew across to the farseers’ outstretched hand.
“ Your pathetic attempts to defeat our ancient civilisation show your race’s true colours mon- keigh,” she sneered.
Grunting, the foresight father made as if to swing his hammer, causing the farseer to move to parry a blow that would never come. Instead a billowing construct formed of flame slammed forward, the psychic energy smashing into the eldar, knocking her to the floor. Heaving herself up she received a crushing blow to the head, as the father swung his hammer upwards. Flying back, her spear rolled away and her helmet fell in tatters to the floor, its power having protected the farseer from the worst of the force weapons damage. Blood streaked down her face from multiple gashes across her forehead. The dark red liquid trickling down contrasted against the eldar’s pale skin. Wiping away the blood, the farseer struggled to stand, exhaustion taking it’s toll on her system.
The remaining foresight fathers had long since joined Amethis and Demetrius fighting outside the circle, leaving a wide empty space in the middle of the battlefield that seemed like the eye of a storm. The two warriors faced each other, the librarian dropping his hammer as psychic power surged through his arms, encasing his fists in glowing orbs of power. Charging at the unarmed farseer he leapt into the air, crashing down in front of her and dealing punishing blows upon her body. The eldar blew psychic energies back into his body, frantically trying to defend herself against the vicious attack she was suffering. As the orbs slowly dimmed in intensity, the librarian jumped back and drew forth a curved dagger that looked more ceremonial than practical. Advancing with swift sweeping curves he lunged forward and thrust the dagger into the farseers chest, who was so tired she did not have the effort to stop him. Suddenly gripping onto his arm with a new found strength she dragged him closer, looking deep into his eyes, and whispered.
“Your world will burn by the hands of those you call brother”
The foresight father looked at her in shock, but even as he went to ask further questions he saw that they had been her last words as her eyes closed and she sagged to the floor.
Wiping his dagger clean he went to retrieve his hammer and find Amethis to relay this information. Looking out into the distance he could see Amethis’ spear rising and falling among the mass of eldar and hurried forwards into the throng to reach him.
The battlefield was almost completely filled with infantry, any supporting armour having been destroyed or hanging back to deliver firepower into the enemy. The only vehicles still fighting were the mighty wraithlords and the ancient dreadnoughts, their allies giving the fighting behemoths a wide berth as they passed. One dreadnought, outnumbered by a trio of wraithlords, was spinning round in vain to inflict as much damage to them as possible, his armour slowly buckling as he released a final cry. Assault squads were delivering swift justice to the enemy, jumping into combats that were not going well and turning the tables on the eldar, before moving quickly on. Demetrius moved along a passage through the eldar left by Amethis’ guard, joining up with his command squad, who’s armour and weapons were covered in blood and dirt, the legion banner showing signs of shruiken fire ripping its material, but it still stood tall, inspiring his men to fight. He swung out at a guardian running up to attack a marine from behind, the eldar’s head rolling off its shoulders and hitting the marine, turning round he saw Demetrius with his swords drawn and nodded his thanks, before dispatching another attacker with an upward thrust of his chainsword. The battle seemed to be going in their favour, and demetrius was damned if he was going to let the xenos turn it against them again. Much of the eldar force had begun to retreat already, moving back to their vehicles to counter-attack, leaving small groups isolated, ready to kill.
Amethis was cutting swathes through the enemy, his spear sweeping elegantly round to slice through his enemies. A great circle of eldar bodies had formed around him, but still more came, hoping to outsmart him. Though his enemies were skilful, his foresight allowed him to see the enemies moves before they even moved, readying himself or killing them before they had a chance to touch him. As a group of Eldar came towards him, hoping to encircle him he grabbed his spear and spun round quickly, slicing their bodies in half before coming back to a resting position. Seeing the foresight father advancing towards him he noticed a pained expression across his face, and when he had been informed of the situation he realised why. Activating his vox he called all forces to regroup for the final blow, the disjointed groups across the field hurrying to locate their squads.
The marines looked across the battlefield as the remaining eldar loped back to their lines, carrying injured leaders to safety, under a constant barrage from the marines artillery. Amethis was in a heated discussion with one of the foresight fathers and Demetrius moved over to join them
....never trust them, I don’t know why I believe her so much Primarch, but that is what she said.”
Amethis looked up as Demetrius came nearer and called to him “ Demetrius come here, we require your input on a discovery”
The foresight father turned to Demetrius, and with a nod from Amethis recalled the event that had taken place between the farseer and himself and asked him his thoughts. After considerable thought Demetrius answered, “ perhaps it is a ruse my lord, the eldar are well known for their tricks, though It is interesting the xenos called them brothers, she was either talking of our own men or another legion turning against us, which is impossible.”
Amethis nodded, “ Entirely my thoughts, but I will meditate on it now, that is the real reason I called us back. I have already called for our transports to pick us up if the eldar’s words are proven true, this would be too important to leave till after this battle. “ So saying he moved to the nearest land raider and closed the door behind him.
A bike sergeant pulled up next to Demetrius, startling him out of his dark thoughts. “ Sir this message came from your command vehicle” he stated, “they said it was good news”
“Thank you sergeant Juno,“ Demetrius replied, looking at the data-slate he grinned, “ good news indeed, the imperial army are making planetfall with more titans to help mop up the xenos, they say they are looking forward to fighting alongside us. Better late than never hey Juno”
As the sergeant drove off, the foresight father grasped his shoulder, “ Amethis has asked for us to speak in private again” he whispered “ this does not bode well"
07-09-09 09:03 AM
Alex Demetrius trudged forward through the deep, thick mud, his armour’s mechanics straining against the clinging pull of the rapidly increasing pool of waterlogged earth beneath his feet. His command squad were formed into a v-shape leading the 1st company forward against the eldar. Looking back he saw 10th company setting up as a fire-base alongside their artillery units, waiting to rain death upon the eldar. The 2nd and 3rd companies were moving alongside his company, hundreds of tactical marines rushing forwards to meet the enemy. The ground shook as their vehicles advanced, dreadnoughts methodically walking towards the enemy lines, and land raiders and predators keeping at the pace of the marines, firing lascannon shots at the enemy armour. Demetrius nodded to Jorl, who unfurled the banner he held, the bright red material fluttering in the wind as a bright amethyst in the centre shone over the area. The rain began to cease even as the banner unfurled, and Demetrius took this to be a good sign for the coming battle.

He spoke into his vox “ Fire-base open fire, you know your targets”
The whine of artillery joined the sounds of battle as shells flew through the air, exploding along the line of advancing eldar. Clouds of gas billowed up as they impacted, the eldar caught by the barrage, visibly slowing and then keeling over from the effects of the poison. A second barrage followed, this time an even deadlier payload of frag missiles, struck the earth, exploding violently amongst the densely packed eldar. Shrapnel flew out along the eldar lines, decimating their front ranks and causing groups of non-aspect warriors to flee in terror. Demetrius and his men continued on as the barrages flew overhead, until the advancing eldar were nearly within range. “Barrage stop, he shouted, companies fire at will.”

The vehicles that had already been firing were joined by more of the armoured group, as dreadnoughts bearing assault cannons targeted the enemy, the bullets whipping out at high speed at the eldar. Terminators carrying assault cannons joined the fray, as did any other marines carrying specialised weapons. The advancing marines slowed as they brought their guns to bear on the eldar, the shells from their bolter ripped into the eldar lines, blowing chunks of their bodies to bits, even as the eldar returned fire. Shruiken fire seemed ineffectual from a small group, but on mass it was a terrible sight to behold, the deadly blades cutting through the armour of many of the marines and even the mighty terminator armour could not withstand their attacks.

As the two sides grew even nearer the marines drew their weapons, chainswords and power swords gleaming in the bright sun. The vehicles, excluding the dreadnoughts, held back, satisfied to support their forces from a distance. Demetrius put his bolt-pistol in its holster and drew two ornate swords from their sheaths, their light blinding the eldar nearing his position. Raising one high above his head, he charged, his men following swiftly behind him as they screamed at the eldar. “Gloryyyyy”

The two battle lines met with a tremendous clash of blades and the crack of broken bones, as the marines smashed into the more fragile eldar and threw them back into their fellows.
If viewed from above the battlefield could be viewed as a small black group pushing against a larger blue group. While it was obvious the black group were making a sudden impact, the blue group was much larger and was constantly growing. The black group were obviously living on borrowed time, space marines they maybe but they needed help.

Demetrius and his squad pushed ever onwards into the mass of xenos, terminators continually pushing forwards into the gaps left behind them, until Demetrius found his targets near the back of the enemy. Standing nonchalantly in a circle of wraithbone structures not entered by any other eldar, an eldar autarch watched over a farseer who was obviously deep in thought, while a wraithlord stood watch over them both. These were the leaders of this force and Demetrius hoped their deaths would cause confusion to sow through their ranks. Coupled with this these structures were supposed to be the cause of the legion’s foresight being weakened.

As he moved forwards the wraithlords body turned to face him, the great sword it carried raised to point at him. The autarch turned and saw what had alerted the wraithlord and a laugh escaped from its mouth. Bringing forth its own sword it motioned the wraithlord to stay put as he advanced on Demetrius. In turn Demetrius signalled his men to continue the fight outside the circle. The two warriors charged at each other and the swift eldar almost struck a blow to Demetrius’ torso. Parrying the blow with one sword, he brought the other up and sliced at the eldar’s head, but the xenos dodged quickly and only received a slight glance to his shoulder, nevertheless removing the armour. The dancing pair continued in their fight, as the eldar continued to strike at Demetrius, causing more and more wounds each time, while Demetrius caused two wounds for each one he suffered, his blades acting as if operating independently, whirling through the air at the autarch. Demetrius lunged in as the autarch made to strike, realising too late that it was a feint as the eldar stabbed at his torso. The blade bit deep, plunging into his body and piercing his heart. Adjusting his secondary heart to compensate, he pulled away from the sword and swung his two swords quickly together at the autarchs neck, their blades clanging together as they met exactly in the middle of his neck. Blood appeared along a small slit around the eldar’s neck, and Demetrius pulled his swords away, allowing the autarchs head to drop onto the floor.

A shuddering thump brought him back to his senses as he realised the wraithlord wished to take it's revenge. It’s monstrous form thundered towards him with staggering speed, raising its sword in two hands and bringing it crashing down onto Demetrius’ two blades that he hastily raised in defence. The blow threw him sprawling onto the floor across the circle, clenching his fists to keep a tight hold of his weapons. Rolling over he looked over at the wraithlord who was moving back towards him. Looking up, he laughed as he saw blazing fire trail across the sky, drop pods hurtling down towards the battle to even the odds against the enemy. The wraithlord seemed oblivious to this new development as it swung its sword back and forth at Demetrius, who was dodging back towards his command squad.

A drop pod impacted scarcely 5 metres away from Demetrius knocking him backwards onto the floor and causing the farseer to open her eyes and stand up. The door clanked open and a blinding light came out of it causing the wraithlord to turn to meet this new threat. A large figure strode out carrying a shining spear, the light slowly dimming to a low glimmer. He was flanked by 4 terminators also carrying spears, but with no such light emitting from their weapons. The figure waved these men away to deal with the farseer as Demetrius hurried to him and saluted.

“Primarch you honour us with your presence here” he said, “I pass full command back to you”
Amethis turned to him and emitted a booming laugh, slapping him on the shoulder “ I think we can dispense with the formalities Demetrius, I mean we are in the middle of a bloody battle here!” So saying, he launched himself at the towering wraithlord, his spear raised high, and brought it sailing down, its blade whistling through the air towards the constructs head. Slicing straight through the armour, the blade carried on, breaking the wraithlords body in half. He quickly turned to meet the blow of the farseer who had entrapped the terminators in psychic bonds. Every blow of the farseer was met almost before the xenos had made the move, and Demetrius chuckled as Amethis used his foresight expertly. The farseer made a complex movement with her other hand and blew Amethis backwards across the circle, quickly moving again to bring lightning piercing down onto the primarch’s body.

Another drop pod landed nearby, this one more lavishly decorated than the first, with golden paint and runes inscribed on every inch of space. The door fell open and 10 cloaked marines walked out, their golden armour gleaming and their dark blue cloaks billowing. These were the legion’s foresight fathers, their only librarians, and it was obvious the farseer did not relish fighting all 10 of their number at once.
06-19-09 08:50 PM
Alex Finally a new part, got ages for summer holidays now to write the following parts, so be ready for more battle scenes and no more suspense over the fighting. All leading up to a shocking conclusion.



As the Validictor continued its descent Demetrius hurried to protect his troops, moving his men out of the expected blast radius. The Revenants landing back on the ground, also looked to protect themselves and Demetrius, with some satisfaction realised they would not make it. The sound of groaning metal echoed across the area, as the Titans body impacted on the ground, sending waves of debris flying up away from it, creating a wall of dust. Stones as large as dreadnoughts battered the revenants casings as dust clogged their engines, gradually slowing them down to a halt. The effects of the impact slowly showed upon the Validictor as bursts of flame blew out of holes that had been ripped open, searing hot flames licking out around the body. These were of little concern to the Space Marines, but if the nuclear reactor blew Demetrius knew that his men were only just on the edge of the expected radius. Thankfully the rainstorm was slowly reducing the intensity of the fires they could see, but any internal fires were another matter.
Turning his thoughts to the accursed eldar revenants, Demetrius called out to his men.

“All lascannons open fire” he bellowed “ bring them down to avenge the vile attack on the Validictor”

Lascannon fire lanced out across the expanse, causing ripples of explosions to impact across the surface of the revenants, the sheer amount of firepower slowly beginning to tell on their fragile bodies. As their structures finally gave in and they fell to the ground, Demetrius was brought back to more pressing problems as a the Validictor gave a tortured groan, its body visibly shaking from an unknown cause. Suddenly most of its armour blew off in a mighty explosion, a plume of smoke billowed upwards as a great wave of fire and plasma blew out across the ground, burning the very earth and cutting through Titan debris as though it were flesh. The revenants suffered the same fate, their forms being quickly swallowed up by the unstoppable flow. Reaching the first trench, the wave of plasma slowed a little as it fell in to the now abandoned pathways and then stopped completely as it sank further down and burned into the already deep trenches.

Vehicles hurried forward to lay sheets over the trenches, to allow movement over the plasma pools forming underneath. Demetrius ordered them onwards, making sure the ground ahead was clear of any dangerous substances. The vast mass of organised lines of troops were an inspiring sight for Demetrius, fully 4 companies under his command arrayed for battle. Through the receding dust cloud a horde of eldar warriors and vehicles could be seen gracefully moving to engage his men. A smile formed on his lips, he knew these xenos were skilled fighters, but surely their witches should have realised the foolishness of attacking his forces. He looked at the pict-screens arrayed around him and saw that the rest of the legion and the Imperial Army forces assisting them would be making planetfall within the hour.

Riddell winced as the howling voices of one of the groups of aspect warriors grated on his ears as the eldar grew nearer, satisfaction appearing on his face as his fellow snipers began to pick them off. He spotted one of the hideous witches the eldar called ‘farseers’ and rested his sniper rifle on the ground picking her out among the vast array of eldar. He pulled the trigger, and the bullet flew towards the farseer, the xenos turning its head as it realised something was wrong, just before it impacted on her head. As she fell down the warriors around her wavered as they noticed her death, but when they began again they were visibly shaking with fury at the death of their leader. Riddell smiled, good thing they were enraged, it would make the fight all the better.

Zooming along the battlefield towards the eldar, Juno and Demetrius joked with each other as if they were totally oblivious to the advancing xenos. Now and then they would parry and slice at random enemies that had advanced too far ahead of the main body. Holding their hands up high, they signalled their respective groups to halt as they surveyed their targets.
“ If you take those banshees Juno, I can make a feint for the main body before turning back to support you” called Demetrius, “ sound good?”
“Sounds perfect” Juno replied “ good fighting my friend.” So saying, he moved his men straight for a mass of howling banshees, bolters firing precisely into their ranks. He could see the encircling moves Demetrius was taking and sped further through the warriors so he would meet his group dead centre. The eldar suddenly noticed the ruse and those at the back turned to greet the approaching bikers, only for most of them to be shot and cut down before returning any blows. A mass of shruiken fire was being aimed at their groups now from the main eldar group and more and more of their men were being dragged down, although they had nearly finished of the banshees. Demetrius dropped off his bike as its machine spirit died due to the damage it had sustained. He turned as a piercing cry burst across his ears, and a banshee twirled towards him, its dancing gait almost entrancing him. Bringing up his chainsword he parried the first blow from the eldar’s sword, the ringing clash almost silent amongst the clamour of battle. The xenos moved much quicker than him and he found himself hard pressed to stop the blows landing on his body. A swift blow from its sword chopped his hand off and his sword flew out of reach. Battering at the eldar with his boltgun he tried vainly to prevent the blade from biting deep cuts into his armour, until finally the banshee swirled round and chopped at his head, decapitating him instantly. A cry rang out as Juno saw his friends lifeless body slump to the floor, the eldar warrior already moving to engage a new target. Raising his boltgun Juno ran forwards, firing shot after shot at the banshee, punching through its armour till he was sure it was dead. Moving towards the body he opened the vox channel for his and Demetrius’ group.
“Men the banshees are dead, we move back to the lines, taking any wounded or dead that we can, Demetrius has fallen so I will need a new officer from his group, for now I’ll lead us. Revving their engines the groups moved back away from the approaching eldar forces, leaving many of the fallen behind.


When writing this extract I noticed that I had two characters who had the same name, the overall Captain Demetrius and a sergeant of the bike squad by the same name. I was going to kill one of the bike sergeants off before I realised this so its not really a big problem, I just didn't want to get confused between who I was writing about.
06-17-09 05:10 PM
Alex Finally finished my exams and am writing the next extract, anyone whos following the story will be glad to know it should be up tomorrow or at the latest Friday.
06-01-09 10:58 PM
Shogun_Nate Eh..you're well on your way bud. One major thing is taking time to go over your work with a fine-toothed comb. Hell...even then sometimes you miss something. Just look at my stuff. You'll find grammar/spelling errors I missed either because I got in a hurry to post it up or I didn't feel like checking it over properly. It's just part of the whole writing thing lol.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate
06-01-09 06:23 PM
Alex Shogun Nate - + rep for taking the time to give the detailed feedback, it's always good to get some advice on how to improve. Won't be writing any more until the 18th since I'm right on top of my exams, but I'll bear your advice in mind when I do.
Commissar Ploss - thanks for the compliment .
06-01-09 04:29 AM
waltzmelancholy_07 2nd that last post... Hehehe.., Follow Nate's advice... And I'm sure ur writing will improve...
06-01-09 01:12 AM
Commissar Ploss You hit it on the head there SN! Great comments!

Alex: Take Shog's advice! He knows what he's talking about. And great stuff, i cant wait to read more!

Commissar Ploss
This thread has more than 10 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome