|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|05-21-16 12:23 AM|
Hmm, honestly I can't find much to critique. My only suggestion concerns your sentences, which are sometimes very long. Overly long sentences can sometimes cause readers to stop reading, because they get bored or struggle to break your sentences into smaller, more manageable bits of information. This is especially true as you approach action scenes.
I would experiment with using shorter sentences, and see how you like it. I too struggle with long sentences sometimes. It's not that big of a deal, but I think being aware of it could go a long way in improving the flow of your work .
That being said, shorter sentences aren't the end all be all. You have to know when to use both, I guess. I hope that helps. If you post up more stories, I may be able to come up with additional comments.
Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk
|05-20-16 07:20 AM|
Originally Posted by Myen'Tal View Post
Thank you, I live off feedback! (Not to mention that I'm really thrilled I got a response at all in here!) Do you may have any ideas on how I could improve my writing or do you think I should probably post more stories first?
|05-11-16 07:10 PM|
Sorry, I'm a little late, but I finished reading this and -wow, great story! I admit, judging from the title, I suspected another story entirely . Your writing really brings out the hedonistic, and pleasure driven ways of the Emperor's Children, and I also like the overall theme of the story.
Very good work, hope to see more from you in the future!
|05-01-16 09:04 PM|
|Myen'Tal||Hello HalfAPrimarch, welcome to the forums! I haven't read your story yet, because it's finals week for me here at home, so I haven't had time. Just wanted to leave a comment to say that I should have it read by the end of the weekend, though. Judging from the title, it sounds like a fun read.|
|04-28-16 10:03 PM|
It was a miracle Delius didn't also spit on him when he left Vaelian for another pointless hunt, but he couldn't care less about that, his smile didn't even fade one bit. And it grew even wider when it took barely minutes until the creature started to circle around him in subtle, seemingly random dashes and cartwheels, but it always ended up passing him by. It wanted him to join in again, it needed him to chase it down and claim it for himself, yet Vaelian didn't move one bit. His body told him to stop resisting, told him to lash out again and embrace the rush of a good hunt, but he wrung his needs down in favour of his plan. Just a little closer...
Eventually, the thing seemed to get tired to passing him by and stopped right in front of him while the masses still tried to recover from the last evasion maneuver. It looked at him with shimmering, wide eyes , playfully tip-toeing towards him, but always ready avoid another grab.
“I'm not going to play your little game anymore.”, Vaelian addressed it, already at the brink of his self control and feeling it slip more and more while it approached him further. Luckily, it didn't seem to notice how tense he was, instead, it just pouted a little and bit its lover lip to show pointy canines. Obviously, it wanted him to cut loose again and a part of him wanted to demonstrate how sturdy he was, how much he could take and how much stamina and willpower he possessed. But he knew better than to give in now.
“I 'm not like these mindless idiots and you're stupid to believe I'd step down to this level.” The creature shuddered and growled at him before moving to the side in a fluid motion, effectively making Delius trip and fall, only to further humiliate him by stepping on his
“See that? And to think that I'm as pathetic as this man, you really don't know me,
creature. You have no idea what I'm capable of.” The more he kept talking, the more it seemed to trust him in some way and came closer. Or could it be that it actually...
“Does this excite you? Someone that actually refuses to play your little game, does it fascinate you? I can't blame you, honestly, these guys must get pretty boring after a short while.” To his surprise, Vaelian actually got an overly dramatic sigh and a nod for that. It was still toying with him, but he definitely had the upper hand here, considering that the thing didn't even think about what would happen if it came any closer, it seemed like he had caught its interest right from the start.
“Do you think you can tempt me by coming closer? If you'd really want me as bad as you claim, then you should have let me grab you right at the beginning and now you've lost your chance. How does that feel?”At this point, no one even dared to approach them, let alone interfere, it was all too clear who won this hunt. It was astonishing how good his tactic seemed to work, considering that the creature kept pacing around him, cooing and playfully caressing his armor to provoke at least some kind of reaction. Vaelian allowed himself to exhale slowly and carefully to not make it sound like a moan by accident. He felt every single touch through his armor, not matter how light it was, no matter how brief it seemed to be.
This thing knew what he was going through right now and it loved to see him struggle to keep still, to watch him trying to prove it wrong. At first Vaelian had thought of this as the easiest way to get closer somehow, but it only got more difficult to resist from here on, now that this creature actually touched him and walked around on him to find something it could use to tease him more. And everytime it moved, it left the smell of decent perfumes, exotic oils and something he couldn't quite make out, but the more he was to breathe it in, the more sensitive his body reacted to the touches. At some point, Vaelian managed to actually lift his hand and wipe his face, knowing fully well that he was sweating and barely conscious. He only needed to hold out a bit longer and wait for the right moment, but some part of him didn't even care about the game anymore, it just wanted to stay close to that thing and get more of this delicious suffering it put him through.
"You won't break me that easily.", Vaelian managed to get out, despite feeling like his voice could quit any second for no reason at all.
It laughed at him. It giggled and graced him with a charming smile before starting to circle him again, not at all bothered by how he tried to not look at it anymore. His skin felt way too tight, his body wanted to give in and his mind was already half lost in some delirious fantasy, Vaelian wasn't sure if anyone was still watching or where he was or even if he was still in the same room as the others. He barely remembered any of what had happened, as if it had all been a fever dream, then again, maybe his whole existence had been a dream and this is where he actually belonged. A faint voice somewhere in his head told him that there were way too many hands on his body, but he didn't care much, it felt amazing the way it was and he let it happen. He should have come back earlier, he should have never left this place at all, why would he ever leave? Other voices joined the one in his head and even though they seemed distant and drowned out somehow, he felt like he knew some of them. He had planned to turn away from them, to stay right where he was in this twisted wonderland of emotions, sensations and colours, but an all too familiar touch pulled him back and reality brutally snapped back into its hinges when he understood that it was Cestus grabbing his shoulder.
"Didn't think you'd make it.", he merely said, giving Vaelian the satisfaction of showing that he was quite unhappy about this turn of events, but didn't want to start a fight about it.
At first, he didn't quite understand, but the sudden movement in his arms made him look down and realize that he must have unconsciously given in at some point. The creature in his arms didn't squirm, it had already acknowledged him as the winner and didn't bother freeing itself, it just looked at him with its emerald eyes and rubbed its head against his chest plate now and then.
"Delius left the moment you stated your wish, you really pissed him off this time. Wouldn't be surprised if he'd murder you in your sleep."
"I don't... remember."
"Well, it asked you what you'd desire the most." What, when? Everything was blurry and shapeless, all he knew was that this prick Cestus had ripped him out of the most delightful dream he had had in a while!
"And of all the things I offered, you just had to choose me.", the creature suddenly said and chuckled a little.
"I'm flattered and I accept! It has been ages since that last happened." Vaelian tried to not be too surprised that its voice did only compliment its general appearance, but the way it talked, the way it put a subtle, seductive intonation into every sentence, every word... This thing was a curse and a blessing at the same time.
"Time does not exist where I come from, so it might have only been weeks, months or hours, who knows! And who cares? I just hope you're capable keeping all these exciting promises you made earlier..." It sighed and leaned against him a little, playfully caressing
the double-headed eagle on his chest plate.
"After all, the last one to demand this from me was your primarch."
(Usually, I put these on a fanfic website, together with my other works, this is my first time posting one of them in a forum!)
|04-28-16 10:00 PM|
Vaelian didn't even remember when he moved, but the next thing he knew was that he was shoving bodies aside left and right to not slow down too much, though it also made way for Delius right behind him. And the last thing he wanted to was helping this guy take the thing he wanted. This wasn't about ruining another man's life anymore, this was something personal, it felt like something personal.
“Slow down, you idiot! It won't help you to get there first, you'll just make it-” Vaelian didn't pay any attention to what was said, his body moved on its own and he was completely fine with that, self control was for those who didn't trust their instincts enough to handle the situation. His hand struck forward while his elbow crushed the skull of a nearby woman who wanted to slip past him and he could already feel the tickling sensation of that black skin on his own, but when his fingers almost closed around the creature's arm, he stumbled over some humans that crawled around on the floor and almost lost his balance. And the only thing he had earned for his sudden clumsiness was an amused smile before the thing slipped out of his grip and moved backwards to evade all other hands reaching out for it.
It was at that point that Vaelian knew he couldn't win this game with his speed alone. It wasn't like Cestus said, this... demon, whatever it was, wasn't their plaything, it was exactly the opposite. It had fun seeing them chase it around, watching them struggle to even touch it and avoiding all their attempts so easily.
“For god's sake, Vaelian, grab it!” He didn't even have a split second to react until he felt a sudden weight pressing him down a little and realized that the creature had escaped its shrinking safe space with jumping onto his shoulders, but he moved to slow and missed his chance to grab its ankle as soon as it attempted to jumped again.
“Listen, you chase it and I'll circle around to cut it off! Just don't let it get on the chandelier!” So that he'd have no choice but to leave all the fame and glory to Delius? Not in this life and everything that happened afterwards! There had to be a system, a certain pattern in its way while it jumped, cartwheeled and flung itself over the screaming and crying masses with the most precise, yet artistic movements and laughed at their fruitless tactics. And another five minutes passed until he fully understood what was going on.
It had let him come so close that he had almost been able to touch it everytime, it only slipped out of his grip at the last possible second and then smiled at him to drag him into another chase, but also with a hint of disappointment. It wanted him to catch it. He was the one it most craved for in this play.
The only touch that would last longer than a few seconds, the only person that would keep holding it no matter what and this creature wanted him to be said person. It liked him and only him, no one else would be able to catch it, no matter what happened, no matter how much they would chase after it.
His lips curled back and a more than satisfied grin made its way on his face. He had managed to ruin Delius' aspirations with his mere existence, with his sole presence in this game and it was Delius himself who was responsible for this mess by inviting him. This night just got better and better, he didn't even mind when Cestus pushed him aside to take part in yet another chase.
“Damn it, what are you doing Vaelian?!”
“What does it look like, I'm taking a little break.”
“You heard me right.” He didn't bother reacting to Delius' anger, reacting would mean dignifying it with a response and he wasn't really in the mood for that. Instead, he took his time spotting the ideal moment when the creature passed by to continue while the other man tried to grab it somehow.
“Whatever this thing promises, it's not going to be worth my time.”
“Suit yourself, asshole!”
|04-28-16 09:58 PM|
“Being faster than us won't help you here, little Vaelian.”, Cestus chuckled and gave the stage a quick look, even though Vaelian wasn't able to see if something was happening up there due to the smoke. But that didn't mean he wasn't able to notice that something changed. The music and the screams were still the same, the bass still vibrated in his bones and the other guests still seemed to enjoy themselves, but he atmosphere was different somehow, more dense than before.
“You'll need a lot more than that if you want to be one of the lucky people to win here.”
“Luck is for those who lack the skill to ensure their victory.”
“Well, you'll get to prove that statement in a few minutes, it seems.” Just when he was about to ask how Cestus knew that the event was about to start, the smoke cleared off a little and allowed him to see everything more for once. Apparently someone had dragged a few humans on the stage to gut them with a skinning knife and decorate an obscenely large symbol with their entrails, skin and blood. But there was another smell amongst all the blood and sweat, another sound behind the screams, moans and cries, another shadow in the smoke on the stage.
“Thing about those creatures is that they need flesh and blood, but this one just seems to come here on its own will. It seems to enjoy watching this procedure though, so we still do it, no one cares about a few less mortals.” Vaelian didn't really pay attention to what Cestus said, he merely tried to get a glimpse of what was happening at the stage right now, although the shadow he thought he had seen seemed to play with his senses. Sometimes he saw the figure more clearly and gaining structure, then it vanished again as if the smoke wanted to keep it hidden as best as possible, other times he thought he heard laughter coming from somewhere, but couldn't pinpoint it's location. It was as if this whole place was entirely twisted all of a sudden, he couldn't even tell when he had made his way to the front of the stage to get a better look, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered right now, something told him this was exactly the way it should be.
And then, when reality finally returned and left him wondering if all of this had really happened, Vaelian realized he was staring into a pair of emerald eyes within the most delicate face he had ever seen. The creature smiled at him with the most daring expression possible, taunting him to reach out and actually touch its coal black skin and the golden markings that were embedded into it, forming beautiful swirls and patterns all over its body. Maybe, if he was quick enough, he'd be able to grab one of its ram horns or pull it closer by its slightly curly, brown hair, but even though it didn't move from its spot and just looked at him, Vaelian felt like his limbs were made out of solid metal, he was barely able to remind himself to continue breathing at this point.
How long had he been standing here, was he the only one that saw this? Obviously not, since he felt other bodies bumping against him in order to get to the front of the stage and get a hold of whatever it was that looked at him with such an amused expression. He almost felt disappointed because he was unable to hold its attention any longer when the creature withdrew from its position to walk around barefoot with the most arrogant, yet seductive walk possible. How could something be so obvious, yet seem so subtle, how could something that was clearly male move like that? This thing was a confusing mix of contradicting emotions, signals and movements, he didn't even know what to say, let alone do. That was until Delius suddenly grabbed his shoulder and ripped him out of his tranquility.
“Always happens the first time you look right at it, was able to tell by a mile that you accidentally made eye contact when you blindly walked to the stage and openly stared at it.” Vaelian let out a slight grunt and brushed Delius' hand aside.
“I'm fine.”, he eventually mumbled, not wanting to waste any time bothering with these trivial people when he could look at that creature instead, somehow both disgusted and attracted by how it raised its hands and bowed down as if it wanted to thank everyone for coming here tonight. It knew that most people were only here because of the event, it knew that it was the center of all attention and praise and it enjoyed what it saw. So much in fact, that its hairless, smooth tail curled itself a few times before calming down again. The golden swirls and lines on its body seemed to move now and then, but he couldn't really say what he saw, simply because his sight somehow got blurry whenever he tried to focus on them a little longer.
And then Vaelian realized that the symbol on the creatures long, silken loincloth was the same that covered the walls of the former theater, the same that everyone had painted on their armor or their weapons. Did that mean...
“Is this thing what I think it is?”
“Beautiful? Perfection? A demon? I guess all three are somehow right, but it doesn't matter what it is, really. The only thing you need to know is that it's ours.”
“It belongs to our legion now and it's ours to play with.”, Cestus growled and nodded as if anyone had asked for his confirmation of this situation.
“Vaelian, remember that we're a team, huh?”, he heard Delius mutter as soon as he realized the music had stopped and tension was suddenly filling the whole room and every single cell of his body. And when the music started again, all hell broke loose. The fast paced beat and the screams mixed themselves with the howling and crying masses that tried to get onto the stage somehow and claim their price.
|04-28-16 09:56 PM|
"What kind of event were you talking about, Delius?" It had just now occurred to him that Delius had been talking all this time while he had spaced out to escape all these words that meant so little to him in general. At least when they came out of someone else's mouth.
"You've been gone for too long, things have changed. For the better, might I add, it was starting to get boring in here anyway!"
"For god's sake, Delius! Just tell me already and maybe I'll consider teaming up with you." It was strange how easy these three letters passed his lips after all these centuries of bringing the enlightenment of the Imperium of Man to those who praised false gods. And now it had turned out that those worshipers hadn't been wrong at all, what a delightful twist, the irony didn't even taste bitter on his tongue.
"We call it The Hunt. It's a simple game, you just need to catch something and hold it up for everyone to see, that's it, you win. But you should probably catch it alive, just saying."
"And what if I don't?" Delius' facial muscles tried to go for a grin, though it only made his carved smile widen a little and the hooks drew fresh blood.
"Then you're in for a surprise."
"I suppose it's nothing easy to catch if you need me for it, huh?" After all, this was not about teamwork, rarely any of them worked as a team at all, Delius just wanted him to do the dirty work and thought he would seriously fall for this trick.
"It's not easy at all, yes. Even the mortals participate, they clog the way with their useless bodies everytime! Can't stand it, made me lose three times already!"
It was at this point that Vaelian noticed the look in the other man's eyes and realized that it wasn't some kind of game to him, it wasn't something just to pass the time and the boredom, Delius desperately wanted to win this hunt. He wanted it so much that Vaelian felt a delightful shiver of ecstasy at the thought of taking this from him at the first try. Delius would hate him forever, but that was something he could live with, at least their feelings would be mutual then.
"What do they give out as a price for catching that... Whatever it is? Must be something worth of letting oneself be humiliated like that over and over again."
"And what does everything contain?" Delius merely shrugged.
"Everything, I guess. Look, all I know is that Kalimos once won and wanted a unique, powerful weapon and now he has that weird whip. Then Marius Vairosean won and now he has his little squad of Kakophonii! I'm not sure if everything truly means everything, but who cares, that's good enough for me."
"In that case, why doesn't the Phoenician participate as well?" It wasn't really a surprise to see Delius be uncertain about something, that man was confident in all the wrong places and didn't bother adjusting his faults.
"He did once, after it had showed up in here a few times already. The thing was, he didn't have to play at all, it just stood there and looked at him, made it almost too easy and I really thought it would try to trick him somehow. But no, it just continued to stare at him and let itself get caught. No one really knows what the primarch demanded that night, but it knows a lot of things and my guess is that it told him quite some delicate secrets in return."
So that was his goal for tonight. Vaelian would not only crush Delius' pathetic, little dreams under his boot, but also catch this thing without any effort at all. And after that he'd be the one that everyone else wanted to surpass, though the gods probably already knew he'd never let anyone past him at all.
“And what are you going to wish for, Delius? I mean, you seem to have a plan for this, at least tell me what you want if you finally win.”
“I'll make it tell me the locations of the most valuable planets. Can you imagine what treasures lie beneath these colours of the warp? It's going to be worth the troubles!” Well, that was boring, but what did he expect from a simple mind such as Delius? He didn't even try to be interesting one bit, not even the slightest thing about him was unique or different compared to all the others around here. What a waste of air...
“I see you're both participating in the hunt this time. Hope you realize that it's futile to get in my way though.” Vaelian turned around face Cestus' bulky figure. He didn't know what that guy's problem was, but it somehow bothered him that Cestus didn't seem to find it necessary to take of his helmet, not even for a few minutes. It made him curious about something he shouldn't bother with and would probably turn out to be of trivial matters anyway.
“And you should know that I'm way faster than both of you, this is going to be over before it even started.” For a split second, he caught Delius looking at him with obvious suspicion, he probably already doubted that Vaelian would keep true to their teamwork and guarantee him an easy win, but did he sign a contract somewhere? He was free to do whatever he wanted and that mainly consisted of leaving Delius in a pool of his own blood and tears, just for the hell of it. People that always needed a reason to justify their actions were only afraid to do the wrong thing, he wasn't like that, he knew exactly what he wanted and that he would succeed.
|04-28-16 09:53 PM|
War On The Dancefloor!
I got the idea for this while reading Angelus Exterminatus, so you might call this an Emperor's Children slice of life short story.
Hopefully it won't be too irritating if I post this in seperate messages...
I also blame Eidolon for everything that has ever led me to writing this.
War On The Dancefloor
He hadn't been here for a long time, usually, he wasn't fond of too many people at one place and the smell of sweat mixed with whatever they pumped into the air at this place.
He wasn't fond of all the mortals dancing around and mutilating each other and themselves in every corner, but it was the only way to escape the dull routine while he was stuck on this ship with nothing to do, really. And after all, he did enjoy the rhythmic music mixed almost inhumane screams and the bass that let his body vibrate with shivers of ecstasy everytime it took him by surprise. It was even better now that he hadn't been here for so long, he wasn't used to the flashing, colourful lights that pierced the smoke now and then anymore, he didn't remember how much he had longed to breathe in this obscene mixture of synthetic drugs, perfume and blood, how much his body had been suffering without this.
Visiting the La Fenice had always been something he had tried to drag out as much as possible, but now he suddenly realized that it wasn't because he didn't like this place, it was because he wanted to starve his body of all ecstasy and pleasures, only to finally return and let it hit him like a hammer. And he welcomed it with arms open wide while it trashed his senses and pulled him back into its addicting embrace.
"So you finally decided to show up, thought I'd have to search for someone else." He was barely able to understand a word of what his brother said to him, not because of the music or the volume in general, but because of the fact that the other man had the corners of his mouth sliced open all the way to his cheek bones to form a horrid, disfigured grin. These were fresh, probably done by himself and already started to heal, if it weren't for the hooks that held skin back here and there so that pointy teeth could be seen through the bloody gaps in his pale flesh.
"You look atrocious, Delius.", he merely replied, but didn't feel like elaborating further and therefore giving his battle brother anymore attention. And it wasn't like Delius wasn't already ignoring his intonation completely.
"Oh, thank you! Hurt like a bitch too, it was exquisite! Gotta tell you, you're the only one I can count on, Vaelian. If you hadn't shown up, I'd have had to pair up with Cestus and you know what an arrogant piece of shit he is." Indeed. But while Delius was barely above the average Astartes when it came to body types and didn't have anything special to him at all, Cestus at least possessed a muscular, bulky figure and he knew perfectly well how to use it efficiently.
Vaelian himself had been quick enough to acknowledge that his slender body was meant to wield two one-handed swords instead of massive hammers and he had been working his way towards a perfect balance of body and weapon. Or at least he had thought so until he had fought against warrior named Galerius in one of the training cages. Fought, yeah right, that wasn't even the right word to describe it, this man had showed him that he was far away from perfection by beating him within mere seconds. And since then he had trained to rival this man's skill as soon as possible and becoming even better than him. And then Vaelian would end him with a single swipe and keep his head as a trophy in his room somewhere. Or maybe on his belt.
He had already beaten Abranxe but that wasn't really an achievement, since that man moved like a stumbling toddler and his skill followed close behind. The next one on Vaelian's list had been Krysander, but he had refused any duels so far, probably fearing for his reputation. Better that way, Vaelian liked the thought of being feared, being such a threat to someone's image. It meant that he had already won.
He idly wondered how long he would have to bear with Delius' presence and distracted himself from that nuisance by carding through his white hair. Usually, he kept it in one elegant braid during combat practice or in battle, not willing to give himself a disadvantage through something like this. But today, he had randomly decided for several smaller ones, decorated with golden ornaments in between and at the end of each braid, while keeping his hair underneath loose and open.
Vaelian knew very well that people liked to stare at him, maybe out of spite, maybe out of passion, he didn't care much as long as they'd keep looking when he walked by. And he was the only one on this ship - hell, probably even the entire legion!- whose sense for beauty and aesthetics had not been horribly damaged one bit by the events of Istvaan. Vaelian had even left his armor intact and felt no desire to repaint it the way others did. Or rather tried to, since it looked more like they just took a few cans of paint and threw them at their armor to get some unique designs. If you wanted to stand out from the crowd, then there was nothing better than to remain the same while everyone changed. It had taken him time to take care of his armor alone, no one else was worthy enough to touch it, so he needed to do it himself, but despite the effort it had made the primarch himself look at him once or twice by now. He remembered how proud he had been to somehow catch Fulgrim's attention, how his hearts had felt like they would burst with joy after just one glimpse his primarch gave him. And ever since, Vaelian had been eager to stand out even more from this horrid crowd of boredom. And if his armor and hair didn't do the trick, then at least his eyes would.
Sometimes he had wondered why he possessed two different eye colours, but he had also figured that it must have happened during his final step towards becoming an Astartes, since he remembered not having them as a child. One had remained bright blue, the other had changed to a subtle, seductive violet somehow, but he couldn't care less where it came from. Being chosen to become an Emperor's Children had made him come closer to perfection than ever and Vaelian went through great lengths so preserve his looks. He was naturally perfect and that was something that made him better than every single one of his brothers.