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  Topic Review (Newest First)
05-04-18 06:16 PM
Trump why am I the last post on this thread? the emperors finest space marines battle earth's army today to conquer her for the imperium of man?
03-18-17 04:40 PM
Trump A lost space marine terminator brother Equinus discovers chaos oscillating spheres that can stop and reverse time and he uses it in battle?
04-01-16 08:51 PM
dsol Dark angel, did you ever get around to writing that?? I know I am a few years late but after reading the little bit you gave on it I am ready to dive in. I think its a great idea to show the transformation in the reverse of how you usually see it (criminal turned honorable).
03-25-16 07:55 PM
WTAnderton Hey, Myen'Tal. Good to hear from you.

I think I will split Faris' story into multiple parts, just so I can spend the amount of time I want on certain scenes without rushing the pacing and making his development feel unrealistic.

The system that the agri-world is in has known peace for at least a couple centuries, so I wasn't thinking an Inquisitor would be "in the area" until the beginning of the story, but I guess that instead means the planetary governor is free to do the conscripting.

Doing some research, it looks like tomb-worlds are commonly just barren or desert worlds, but you are probably right in that so much time has passed that the eldar might have been able to terraform it, at least before the Fall. Still not sure which of the two I would go with. Even if the necron tomb-world doesn't work, I still have the eldar I can turn to.

As for the Space Marine chat, really the only part I think won't work is Faris asks him if he is afraid to die, and the Space Marine explains he is, but not the same say normal humans are. That instead he fears that, through death, he would fail his Emperor.

Again, thanks for your feedback. Any bit helps. ^^
03-25-16 07:35 PM
Myen'Tal Thanks for the pointers, it's why I came here. I would like to ask a few questions then and explain my view on some points and would love more feedback since you sound pretty knowledgeable.

Quote:
First off, would the story work better maybe as a two-part or even trilogy of shorts, that way I can plot out the pacing a bit better?
Hello, WTAnderton, welcome to the forums! I was hesitant to add to this discussion before, because my grasp on 40k lore has slowly been decaying over the years lol. Darkreever's lore is probably more sound than mine, but I'll try to help in any way that I can.

As for splitting your story into a number shorts, it really comes down to whatever you feel best allows you to tell the story. If making your short story into a trilogy will better enable you to progress character development and plot, then go for it.

Quote:
Instead of the Inquisition, maybe Faris could be drafted into the PDF by the plantery governor? Does the planetary governor actually have that much power? If so, then perhaps he could also have just requested aid from a nearby Space Marine chapter and I won't have to get into the Inquisition or Deathwatch too much if at all.
The Planetary Governor, I would imagine, has ruling authority over all Planetary Defense Forces unless a higher authority (such as an Inquisitor) steps in and takes over for him. So I think that plan could work, also I believe he would have the authority to send a distress signal to any nearby space marine allies as well. I don't know who else would have that authority, plus it allows you to sidestep the whole Inquisition/Deathwatch problem.

Quote:
I do like doing xenos rather than daemons or general Chaos, though with the overarching plot I had in mind beyond Faris' story, the xenos that would make the most sense would be eldar or necrons. On the surface is there really any problem using those? Like if the planet was a necron tomb-world, would it be impossible to be an agri-world?
Actually, I'm not sure, I would imagine a tomb world would have once been a barren world. But being dormant for ten thousand years, I suppose life could be brought back to them. Perhaps your agri-world was a planet extensively terraformed by the eldar after the War In Heaven, before it was conquered by the Imperium?


Quote:
As for the Space Marine chat, any problem with that?
I don't think this is a problem, depending on the Space Marine's personality and circumstances of their meeting.
03-23-16 05:05 PM
WTAnderton Thanks for the pointers, it's why I came here. I would like to ask a few questions then and explain my view on some points and would love more feedback since you sound pretty knowledgeable.

First off, would the story work better maybe as a two-part or even trilogy of shorts, that way I can plot out the pacing a bit better?

Instead of the Inquisition, maybe Faris could be drafted into the PDF by the plantery governor? Does the planetary governor actually have that much power? If so, then perhaps he could also have just requested aid from a nearby Space Marine chapter and I won't have to get into the Inquisition or Deathwatch too much if at all.

I do like doing xenos rather than daemons or general Chaos, though with the overarching plot I had in mind beyond Faris' story, the xenos that would make the most sense would be eldar or necrons. On the surface is there really any problem using those? Like if the planet was a necron tomb-world, would it be impossible to be an agri-world?

As for Faris' tone and mood on being drafted, it was my understanding from the research I've done that the majority of the Imperium population isn't entirely brainwashed or indoctrinated to believe dying for the Emperor is the greatest glory to be had. Faris is happy to farm and help fulfill the Imperial tithe, but believes he should have been evacuated with his family rather than pressed into military service. Yes, he has to say he will die for the Emperor, if he doesn't want the Inquisition kicking down his door. But from my understanding he is still free to think what he wants, unless Imperial citizens are brainwashed while in school or something.

As for the Space Marine chat, any problem with that?

Again, thanks for the feedback!
03-23-16 01:40 PM
darkreever
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Emund View Post
Wow, sorry mate.... it might have been a mistake? Rest assured, I will never offer YOU any advice again...


I'm sure your post will either be ignored or blown out of proportion somehow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
Then the Inquisition shows up with reports of daemon worshipping being conducted somewhere on the planet. Anyways, the efforts to stop Chaos from taking root fail and so actual military action must be taken.
Daemon worshipping implies a cult, for which an inquisitor would have his/her retinue, any inquisitorial forces brought, local authorities, and the planets PDF. If all of this fails then that likely means the cult has received aid from their patron(s) and either specialists are needed (aka the Grey Knights) or the world is doomed.

The Imperium at large suppresses knowledge of daemons and chaos.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
Battle-capable adults are drafted immediately into the Imperial Guard, including Faris, and he finds himself drawn into a war.
At best Faris and the other capable adults would be drafted into the planets planetary defense force, not the Imperial Guard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
Something I'm wanting to do with this short story is show a lot of character development in Faris. Starting out he is obviously a believer in the God-Emperor and the Imperium in general, but he does not feel like he owes his very life and finds it extremely unfair when he is drafted and separated from his family.
If Faris is someone who was taught to believe in the God-Emperor than he would be more than willing to put his life on the line if it meant protecting his family, likely hoping that the Emperor would protect him so that he could see and be with them again.

Most people view being drafted to fight in one of the Emperor's armies as an honour, yet another way to show his service.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
Some examples I've already come up with include him fearing his first time going into battle, but being inspired when he meets a member of the Deathwatch.
If his world is struggling against the grip of a chaos cult intent on worshipping daemons then why would a marine of the ordo xenos be present? Deathwatch are alien hunters, not daemon hunters. Theres a chance a company or strike force of space marines would answer a call of aid from the inquisitor since he and the forces he initially had access to were not enough. With what your doing, the deathwatch have no business on the planet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
On the field of battle he witnesses horrors and heroics alike. He has a conversation with a Space Marine about family, love, and duty. At the end he is in a hopeless situation but has accepted that he is now a soldier, willing to risk his life for the Imperium like any good Guardsmen should be.
Most citizens of the Imperium are likely told that service to the God-Emperor and the possibility of sacrificing your life is the greatest show of faith. Faris would/should know this going in, and at the point your leading to come to understand and fully believe in it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WTAnderton View Post
What do you guys think?
Short story or not, I think your trying to cram a few to many things in for the sake of having them.

One of the biggest issues I see is why an inquisitor would allow locals to fight against a cult now rooted in their own planet. Whats to stop some of the draftees from being cult members and sabatoging Imperial forces that they now have access to?

If it was a xenos cult, like genestealer, then draftees could be screened. That would also mean you could include a Deathwatch team.
03-23-16 03:08 AM
WTAnderton Hey everyone! I'm new here, but have been a fan of Warhammer Fantasy and Warhammer 40k for years and have always wanted to write a short story or novel in those settings. Long story short, here I am, presenting my short story idea for any constructive criticism.

Sephana's Fall
(Working Title)

The story focuses on a fairly normal human named Faris, the setting a peaceful agri-world of rolling wheat and gentle livestock called Sephana's Fall. Faris is a farmer with a wife and newborn child, living as normal a life as could probably exist in the grim-dark future. Then the Inquisition shows up with reports of daemon worshipping being conducted somewhere on the planet. Anyways, the efforts to stop Chaos from taking root fail and so actual military action must be taken. Battle-capable adults are drafted immediately into the Imperial Guard, including Faris, and he finds himself drawn into a war.

Something I'm wanting to do with this short story is show a lot of character development in Faris. Starting out he is obviously a believer in the God-Emperor and the Imperium in general, but he does not feel like he owes his very life and finds it extremely unfair when he is drafted and separated from his family.

Some examples I've already come up with include him fearing his first time going into battle, but being inspired when he meets a member of the Deathwatch. On the field of battle he witnesses horrors and heroics alike. He has a conversation with a Space Marine about family, love, and duty. At the end he is in a hopeless situation but has accepted that he is now a soldier, willing to risk his life for the Imperium like any good Guardsmen should be.

It's a little difficult to go into more detail about his development without giving actual spoilers, but there's the general idea I'm going for. What do you guys think?
02-28-16 06:58 PM
Brother Emund Wow, sorry mate.... it might have been a mistake? Rest assured, I will never offer YOU any advice again...


.
02-16-16 09:21 PM
Beaviz81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Emund View Post
Try this site:

http://fantasynamegenerators.com/pla...p#.Vq7ujPmLTIV

I use it all the time.


.
Any reason for you to poffer advice for me? I mean I gave advice, I didn't indicate I neeeded.
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