|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|11-21-08 08:00 PM|
|Alex||Yeah I don't know why I said Rosarius I meant adamantium mantle. Thanks for the advice Daneel, I'll definitely use more of that style when writing my next piece. Oooh didn't know my PM was disabled, I'll undo that to make it easier for you to give me pointers .|
|11-21-08 07:29 PM|
|Daneel2.0||Thanks. I appreciate the positive feedback.|
|11-21-08 07:48 AM|
|spike12225||thats awesome daneel makes story a bit more like your there you can invision the fight|
|11-21-08 06:19 AM|
Well, from my reading you made 2 rules errors during the game which are echoed in the story. The first is that a Rosarius has no effect against C'Tan - their weapons ignore ALL saves (including invulnerable ones). The mistake here probably means that you allowed the terminators invulnerable saves as well. The second is when the Dreadnought charged the Deceiver, he should have used his misdirection power to leave combat, then recharge in this next assault phase. Never take your opponents charge.
As to the writing, its good but don't focus so much on rules. No space marine understands that he has only a single wound. He knows arms, legs, chest, head, etc. And when you write, unless you are doing technical writing, pick a point of view. That POV may change from side to side, but generally just pick 1. It also helps pull readers into the story when they get input from more than one sense. What did the gauss beam look like? Did the soldier hit scream or was he killed too quickly? Did it ionize the air with its passage leaving a smell of ozone, or did it destroy even the air along the route creating a vacuum that pulled clouds of smoke and air in it's wake? Remember, 40K is about as bleak as you can get, so your writing should reflect that.
EDIT: I tried to PM this to you as an example of what I mean, but you have your PMs disabled, so I just added it here. This is a sample of some of the techniques you can use to describe the battle between your Chapter Master and the Deceiver.
While the marines advanced on the aged metal bodies of the Necron horde, the Chapter Master's eyes were locked on a vision from the bottom of his darkest nightmare. The 9' tall, glowing golden body floated effortlessly across the broken field laughing at natures attempts to quell it, laughing at the screams of death from all side. This abomination must not stand he thought as he yelled out the Emperor's name in defiance. Charging, only vaguely aware of his guard following through the chaos, he struck with all the might he could muster. . . And accomplished nothing. Time stopped as those hellish eyes turned in his direction, mocking his attempt. A blade the being didn't possess moments before slowly fell hit and drove him to his knees. But despite the power of that strike, his protective force field held - proof that the Emperor hadn't abandoned him in this dire time. Defiant, he stood and looked up at the same smiling face, gloating now, looked down. As always in his moment of need, the Old One came to his protection. It's fists, fully capable of grinding tanks to dust, hit the figure in the back. Eyes wide with shock for the first time, cracks began appearing in that massive golden frame, cracks through which the fires of hell leaked. The rupture, when it occurred, came as a surprise. A fist of concussion drove him back to his knees followed by a blinding orange light and the too sweet smell of blood. Then blackness.
Again, this is just a sample of the kinds of techniques in writing that you can use to help you get your points across. Your reader may not know how the dice fell during each round, but that isn't your goal in story telling. Your reader DOES know the important details. The Deceiver fought with the Chapter Master and both ended up dead. Once their deaths occur you can deal with what the rest of the army saw, felt and think afterward. During this you can tally the horrible cost that the Deceiver took when he exploded.
Hope this helps.
|09-30-08 06:36 PM|
|Alex||Ahh right couldn't remember the exact details there. I'll edit that point.|
|09-30-08 05:42 PM|
|Ste||its alright yeh nice job, although my scouts snipers took two wounds of the CTan haha otherwise yeh i like it =]|
|09-29-08 06:51 PM|
Necrons battle the raven guard.
This is a short bit of fluff on a battle I had recently. After much deliberation I decided to put it here instead of battle reports as its more fluff than a report. I don't know if some of the squads he used are legal but i allowed him to use them(such as a squad of veteran scouts with artificer armour and power swords.) Anyway enjoy.
The Necron force surveyed the battlefield, their emotionless faces facing towards their raven guard foes. Scuttling scarab swarms launched forward, stopping as they reached the mighty dreadnought in front of them. A massive pulse of energy was unleashed at the enemy, felling 2 terminators, although the rest of the enemy were unharmed due to cover and tough armour. The Deceiver shrugged of fire as he moved forward, charging into a unit of terminators. The ancient being swept their armour aside, preventing them from even attacking back. The necron destroyer unit on the flank did not fare so well against a unit of scouts as one of their number was taken in return for one scout. The dreadnought roared as the scarabs attacked, ripping three of the swarms members to shreds with its combat weapon. The swarms crawled across its body trying in vain to cause damage but they only managed to stun it for a while.
The raven guard moved stealthily forward, wary of the gauss weaponry ahead. Their shots rang off the warriors bodies, only a few managing to cause serious damage. Snipers aimed their rifles at the Deceiver wounding him twice. The terminator squad charged after the chapter master, smashing into a squad of warriors as a squad of veteran scouts did the same to another squad. Power weapons flashed out as the first necron unit was wiped out, with the second one reeling from the attack, causing no return damage. The necron destroyers again did badly with another falling to the scouts. The dreadnought could not cope with the swarms on him and only managed to kill 2,with another return attack stunning him and destroying his storm bolter.
Against all probability only two of the sixteen damaged warriors did not stand back up and the scouts jumped in disbelief as the warriors they had killed rose up in front of them due to the necron lords resurrection orb. The destroyers returned and rejoined their combat. The unit out of combat unleashed their deadly weapons against the third scout unit felling more of their number. The deceiver glided towards the terminators, not hesitating to charge these mortal upstarts. He drove his blows into the chapter master which would have killed him if it weren’t for his rosarius. The blows against him wounded him twice but he paid them no notice. The destroyers managed to kill all but one of the scouts but two of their number fell again. The necron warriors in combat with the scouts were all but wiped out with three of them standing at the end of combat, although the necron lord managed to kill one of the scouts with his weapon. The dreadnought, enraged at having to be held up for so long, smashed its claw down killing all of the remaining swarms.
The raven guards ranged weapons could not penetrate any of the necrons armour and it fell to their combat troops to destroy the ancient menace. The Dreadnought stomped forward, the Deceiver fixed in its sights. It rammed in to the C’tan, causing three killing wounds. The Deceiver struck back causing the death of two terminators before its necrodermis exploded, taking out the remaining terminators, the Chapter master and all but one of the veteran scouts but also removing the Necron lord. The lone destroyer grappled with its adversary but neither side gained an advantage.
Shaking the dust off his metallic body the Necron lord rose up, his body showing no apparent damage. The remaining necron warriors pummelled the dreadnought with gauss fire but did not cause any damage. The lord retreated from the dreadnoughts imposing form. The destroyer finally defeated the scout and looked for new prey.
Shaken from the C'tan's demise the raven guard warily advanced. bolter fire pierced the necrons defences as five warriors were shot down. The destroyer was hit by rending sniper fire and outside the resurrection orbs radius there was no chance of its return. The dreadnought charged into lord and took it down, but not before it had dispatched the lone scout that had also assaulted.
The dreadnought screamed in disbelief as the Lord stood back up again, ordering the warriors to fire upon the rear of the dreadnought. Although shots penetrated they only prevented the metallic veteran from firing and destroyed his ranged weapon. The lord again retreated, knowing it stood no chance against the dreadnoughts unstoppable advance.
The dreadnought attacked killing the lord for a second time, thinking it had defeated him the dreadnought turned to give a mighty roar of triumph. The blood ravens limped from the field of battle, allowing the necrons to draw with them on this occasion. As the space marines left the battlefield the necrons turned to the lords body. A finger began to move and slowly his body reformed, standing proud a mechanical laugh echoing from his metallic form, he shook his staff in defiance.....this war was far from over.
Criticism and comments welcome, this is my first piece of proper fluff so I'm interested to see if anyone thinks its any good.