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  Topic Review (Newest First)
06-07-12 01:48 AM
777swappamag777 Thanks to Adrian for the critascism right now im just playing at story ideas and will post more. Then hopefully chose one and expand. It keep tuned.
08-25-11 10:49 PM
Ambush Beast
And feedback you shall get!

The story itself is cool as is the idea that you are presenting. The paragraphing is much better in the second part as is the personage. There are questions that end in periods instead of question marks.

Names of people, places and things such as warships, Titans and regiments as well as rankings (Captain, General, Sergeant, Corporal ect) should be capitalized.

Also, the story you are working on does not have to be action the whole way through. Take time for us to get to know the characters, what they look like, how tall they are, hair color eyes, scars , temperament as well as attitudes.



Make the story stretch out, pick at our interest and work hard to make it flow.

Part two flowed much better then chapter one, but there is still room for growth.

It is good that you are taking C&C well and striving to learn. Keep writing, it is the only way to get better.

I have Dyslexia but I wear glasses that help me out. The way you write is the same way that I do when I am not wearing my glasses. Some of your words are jumbled up, sentences unfinished (mostly in the first part).

A computer with spell check will help you a lot. USE IT:-) as well as maybe getting checked out for reading disorders.
08-25-11 07:26 PM
777swappamag777 Really not trying to be rude here but would love some feed back.
08-25-11 06:19 AM
777swappamag777
The real teaser

"The shaking of war was indiscribable the machine spirit crackeled with divine fury as it slew it's foes."

"This was real warfare this was pure, unriveled this was how the god emporer declared it to be, and saints hammer was ready."

Princeps......Princeps awake the enemy draws near.

"He had many names lord,Princeps and khagrakan he perfered the latter".

'void sheilds fifty percent eternal hunt is flanking the enemy weapon batteries enemy to the left firing.........Engine kill princeps! Modarati Yark pleas note.'

'Yes Moderati Arvak. Our battle lines are shiffting their breaking us.'Orders Princeps Princeps orders.'Asked Yark.

'Forward march full speed i want to taste the enemys blood on my fist.'He replied with a voice not his own.

'Princeps with all due respect we have sustained heavy structural damage to our left side. could we not wait for our void sheilds to recharge? Then bombard them.'It had been Arvak that had questioned him.

'No I must taste blood. I hunger I must slay this filth.'He continued

'Eternal hunt is gone sir we are in full retreat. The Reward of Faith is gone to I sugges...'

I can feel them dieing how they scream O, how they scream I must avenge them I must ........KILL!He anounced.

"he couldn't hear their rage at ignoring them, nor did he care he couldn't hear the enemys guns fizzle and crack on his void shields. He ignored the claxxons declaring doom. All he knew before blessed oblivion took him was his flail smash the titan before him as a thousand guns ripped apart his mighty hide."

"Corval saw the tian fall the might warmachine had taken a enemy tiatn with it, it's decent was bitter sweet as all would weep at the loss of such a mighty machine but some how he knew all would stop and watch as it fell."

'New orders sir. Looks like company command want's us to loop around and shearch Saint's Hammer for survivors.'Lopalve the squad's vox caster said.

'No one could've survived that,the fall alone would kill eveyone inside.'He replied as the valkirie speed to its new target.'

'Look, were the closest Imperial unit outfitted for Grav Chute insertion so we'll stay in fire teams and shearch the head first the people inside are more valuable there. Understood?Lieutenant Vargal Black said.'

'Yes sir!'He replied.

"He checked his weapon, and set the lasgun aside he opted for a shotgun in those close corriders. His squad mates had did the same the ragtag para squad consisted of soilders form both epsilon and kappa but wardogs all the same most he didnt know save Sneaky Bastard Scopes and Lucky Boy they were legend with in the regiment. not including elyse he knew her from his squad and fire team."

'Green light!' the pilot declared.

'GO...GO....GO see you ladies and gentlemen see you at the bottom.said Black.'

"All the guard were lumping out, and he was next. He turned around to face the men behind him Elyse winked and he let himself fall backwards down a thousand feet into the heart of the enemy."
08-25-11 05:12 AM
777swappamag777 thx i have neen waiting for hard criticisum i manly put this out for a basis of the actual teaser im going to write i have several post trying to form a story of what i what to do and they al will tie in together wich i will now start writing and will try to make it better

cheers swappa

on second thought i will just put it on this thread instead of posting a new one
08-25-11 03:19 AM
Ambush Beast
Hello.

When I first started out I was as good as you are now. I was not content to stay so undeveloped and took the help other people blessed me with.

I have paragraphed and corrected spelling and sentence structure somewhat.

I have thrown out some ideas, but by no means do you have to do it like me. These are just ideas that may help you out.

When changing from one person to another person it is good to specify who is talking. The story does not make sense if you do not know who is looking at who, or who is talking to whom.

Sentence structure is very important, as is grammar and punctuation.

Write out your idea first, then read it out loud. If the story does not sound good to you, it will not sound good to other people. If you are unsure about the usage of grammar or punctuation, ask someone who may know.

You can get a free collage education if you pay close attention to published authors and the way they structure their own work.

Take your time, don't quit and learn all you can. A story starts with an idea but is rarely ready for print until you have taken your time with it.

Hopefully this helps. I could not fix everything, as somethings are left for the creator of the idea to edit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 777swappamag777 View Post
Tearser #2
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

The ringing was all he could concentrate on. The constant buzz of that damn ringing (flooded) flodded his head as if it was the only noise he could hear.

The (ringing) rining poured on until he thought it was his time to finally die.

It was the second explosion that brought him back into reality. He (instinctively) instinctivley screwed his eyes shut to avoid temporary blindness from the flash.

He (laid) layed where he was for a minute letting the mud swallow him into the ground then yanked his foot clear as laser-fire raced above his head.

(He checked his body for injuries and shrapnel and was relieved to find that his body was intact.) injuries he thought and chcked his body for shrapnel only found none.


(insert name of your character here) risked a look over the lip of the (crater) crator that had become his sanctuary, and was rewarded with the sight of Sergeant Briding's scrambling form running from cover and dashing into the (crater) crator where he turned to (insert name of your character here) and asked, 'How many fingers am I holding up?'

'Three.' (insert name of your character here)

'State your name and rank.'

'Lance Corporal Darin Saggius Corval.' he answered.

Congratulations Lance Corporal you are cleared for field duty. 'Your with squad B, right?'

'Yes sir.'

'Lucky man. Your squads got the best cover in the company now move it and I'll cover you from here. Stay low but move fast or your dead.'

Lance Corporal Darin Saggius Corval raced from the hole trying to keep low as he dashed to the blown out building his squad was taking refuge in.

Once inside he was greated by his squad mates. Zink gave him a pat on his back, Brakker a nod and Cyrene a smile as she handed him his lasgun.

'We thought you were dead. Doc couldn't get a pulse so we left you.' (insert name of person speaking) said.

Before the conversation could continue a shadow loomed over hab district 78956741 blacking out hopes, dreams and life like death speaking to a child.
08-25-11 12:16 AM
777swappamag777
emporer willing

Tearser #2
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

The ringing was all he could concentrate on, the constant buzz that damn ringing it flodded his head as if it was the only noise he could hear. The rining poured on he thought it was his time he was ready to fianally die. It was the second explosion that brought him back into reality he instinctivley screwed his eyes shut to avoid temporary blindness from the flash. he layed where he was for a minute letting the mud swallow him into the ground. then yanked his foot clear laser fire raced above his head injuries he thought and chcked his body for shrapnel only found none. He risked a look over the lip of the crator that had become his sanctuary, and was rewarded with the sight of sergeant briding scramble form cover a dash into the crator he turned to him.
How many fingers the big man asked.
three.
State name and rank.
Lance corpral Darin Saggius Corval.
Congratulations lance corpral you are cleared for field duty now go find your squad your squad b right?
Yes sir.
Lucky man your squads got the best cover in the company now move it ill cover you from here and stay low but move fast or your dead.
he raced from the hole trying to keep low but moved like he meant and dashed to the blowin out building his squad was taking refuge. Once inside. he was greated by his squad mates, Zink gave him a pat on his back, Brakker a nod and Cyrene a smile as she handed him his lasgun.
We thought you were dead doc couldnt get a pulse so we left you besides the titans are retargeting.
Before the conversation could continue a shadow loomed over hab district 78956741 blacking out hopes dreams and life like death speaking to a child.

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