Hi norm. It looks pretty good, especially for a first draft. The one thing you have to work on is forming your sentences and using punctuation.
Originally Posted by normtheunsavoury
1st Company: Death Company
Unlike many of their brothers, the Knights Of Blood aspire to join the ranks of the Death Company and see it as a great honour to become as one with their Primarch.
The problem here is that the Primarch wasn't like that. The Rage is brought on by the memories of Sanguinuis' death, or so I've read, and since Sanguinuis had no memories of his own death (wut?) I'd think he never succumbed to it.
The Death Company are so highly revered that the Chapters veterans have stepped down and awarded the honour of the title of 1st Company to their brothers in the Death Company.
A very nice gesture by the vets, and a great way to add a little bit of flavor.
The Death Company are held in such high regard that they are not put to death even when they become a danger to their fellow battle brothers, instead they are placed in stasis until they are needed again.
This actually reminds me of my own chapter, except that the Death Company are kept in cryogenic chambers deep in the Fortress Monastery
The Knights Of Blood have no Devastator or Scout Companies.
Scouts are trained within the 7th to 10th companies.
Fair enough. I usually wouldn't let the scouts go, but your chapter seems to be pretty deviant.
The Knights of Blood are infamous for their extreme tactics and are seen as savage even by Flesh Tearers standards.
They have been at odds with the Inquisition almost since their founding and relations with their founding Legion have often been tense and sometimes openly violent.
Very good, I just love conflicts with parent chapters. However, you may want to phrase the above differently. Try something like: "...the Inquisition since their very creation, and tense, sometimes violent, clashes with their Progenitor chapter are not uncommon."
They have committed terrible atrocities including the massacres of Cadon, Obsus Prima and Helka II, for which they were finally declared renegade by the High Lords of Terra.
I'm not sure if its the High Lords who declare chapters renegade, it might just be the Inquisition. Just a quibble though.
An Inquisitorial strike force was sent to subdue the chapter and to bring Rimmon Damas, the Chapter Master, to Terra to stand trial for his chapters crimes. The strike force was destroyed in an ambush and the Inquisitors flag ship was boarded by the Knights Of Blood.
This is the first major problem...
I know that it is very dramatic and medieval-y to bring the leader of the chapter in for a trial, I also know how this sets up your next little line that provides some much needed insight into the humour of Astartes. However, things are not done like that in the Imperium.
The High Lords of Terra are far too busy to trouble themselves with every single renegade chapter that slaughters a puny world's inhabitants. They delegate tasks like these to the munitorum, who notifies the Inquisition, who then send some ships over to bomb the crap out of whoever pissed off the higher-ups. No captures, no trial. If you do something against the Emperor's Will, the punishment is death, or, in rare cases, a penance crusade.
One year later the inquisitors head was delivered to the High Lords of Terra with a note that simply read “Your request is respectfully declined”.
Lol. If I was sending an Inquisitor's head to the High Lords, I would put a camera in the eye socket so I could see their faces.
By the by, where do
the High Lords live? Because I don't think you can just mail it there. And the poor delivery boy would probably have been shot.
Since they were declared renegade the Knights Of Blood have remained at the forefront of the battles against the Imperium’s enemies but have continued in their use of extreme and brutal tactics including the Ornsworld massacre where they were held responsible for the...
Like I mentioned before, you skip a lot of punctuation. Here, you skip all of it. You should consider writing shorter sentences, if only for the purposes of clarity.
deaths of over ninety percent of the population.
Oh damn. How big a world was this? Because as badass as that sounds, I'm for thinking it is hard to kill that many people.
Intercepting a distress call the Knights of Blood fleet dispatched a strike force to aid the defenders against reported Chaos attackers. When the strike force arrived they found the attackers to be no more than a small detachment of Traitor Guard, numbering no more than three hundred with minimal heavy support. Disgusted by the Ratlings cowardice against such an insignificant foe they launched a full attack on the unsuspecting Guardsmen.
Once again, adding punctuation really makes these things easier to read.
Try not to use the same expression or word to often or in rapid succession. Also, what Ratlings? You never mentioned them when you talked about the distress call.
The Traitors could not hope to survive the frenzied attack, the first and only warning they got was the roar of Storm Ravens as they flew overhead deploying their savage cargo into the heart of the Guardsmen‘s encampment.
What are Storm Ravens? The only space marine gunships I've ever heard of are thunderhawks and stormbirds.
Ratling snipers watched the slaughter from a safe distance, terrified by the brutality of the killing they thought that another Chaos force had arrived and opened fire on the Knights of Blood.
It seems that you have forgotten a period here, or at least a "so".
Their rage now well and truly stoked, the Knights of Blood went on the rampage, a message was sent to the fleet about the Ratlings treachery and the first company was dispatched to teach the Abhumans a lesson.
Instead of "the rampage", you want "a rampage".
Released from stasis, one hundred and twenty Death Company Marines descended on Ornsworld and the single greatest atrocity of the Knights of Blood’s long, brutal history began.
If the 1st company has more than one hundred marines, that means that some other company has less. It would be important to note such differences from codex organisation.
So all in all, I've seen much worse. Remember that its your chapter and you reserve the right to wipe your ass with my criticism.