Warhammer Community just posted this hilariously funny Regimental Standard today.
Your regiment will shortly be stationed on Pythos IV
, an exceptionally fortunate assignment given the favourability of the world. As many of you are forbidden from accessing your shipboard library and finding out just why
you are so lucky to be placed on Pythos IV, the Regimental Standard has stepped in to keep you informed as ever:
Pythos is beautiful!
Pythos is one of the most beautiful worlds in the Imperium, featuring a range of megafauna and flora that any hive-dweller will appreciate. From gigantic quadruped saurians to a wide range of plant species
, you’ll have plenty of chances for some fresh air and some sightseeing during your training exercises. You may even get a chance to sample some of the local cuisines!*
Best of all, the fortifications on Pythos
are built to the same STC specifications as all others in the Imperium, meaning that it’ll feel just like home when you’re indoors – right down to the reassuring thrum of the plasma generators, the comforting mumbling of the attendant-servitors and the scratching of servo skulls noting your every move, so neither you nor your superiors are in any doubt about where you were at any given moment.
In order to ease your transition, we recommend you consult Uplifting Pamphlet 5147//c: Why Is The Roof In This Hive City Blue And Covered in Fluffy White Cave Fungus And 312 Other Questions Frequently Asked By Urban Recruits Deployed To Undeveloped Worlds.
Pythos is peaceful!
Unusually for a world whose name appears very frequently in Imperial records, Pythos IV has an almost unbroken record of peace, broken up only by some sections where data is missing during the 31st
Millennia. We’re sure that this is simply because any archivists of the time were bored by their bucolic, jungle-living lifestyle and wanted to sign up to fight against the forces of the Archenemy.
Pythos is the home of great Imperial heroes!
Pythos is home to Colonel “Death” Strike, a renowned hero of the Catachan Jungle Fighters
. Worry not, Guardsmen! It’s only a name. The Colonel possesses only 88% of the average combat efficacy of a Deathstrike Missile
, an inaccuracy that Imperial High Command has graciously agreed to allow given the Colonel’s personal commendations by the Dark Angels Chapter
Please note that, while martial bonding exercises are generally encouraged, all arm-wrestling with the Colonel is banned due the strain on the medical staff present on Pythos (in less extreme cases) and a lack of cybernetic limb replacements (in more severe cases). Handshakes are permitted, but only when wearing gauntlets approved for handling heavy weapons Grade F or higher.’
There you have it, Guardsmen – Pythos is an all but perfect world on which to be stationed, and quite frankly, you may as well be on official leave.**
Thought for the Day: ‘Seek no reward but the satisfaction of your master.’
* Note that is has been deemed casualty-efficient for guardsmen on Pythos to hunt their food for themselves while supply-lines are repaired following an unrelated incident. Rest assured that if nutrient-menials were permitted to feel gratitude for anyone other than their direct overseer and the Emperor then they would thank you.
** A note to Whiteshields: “Leave” is a period away from service permitted to higher-ranking officers in order to give them time to rest their highly attenuated strategic sensibilities.