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post #5 of (permalink) Old 02-25-11, 05:08 PM
Like a Bawss
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My only real issue with the story are the opening paragraphs full of physical descriptions of the characters. Something I try to do when I want to describe what people look like is to ask myself "how will this serve to continue the plot along?" Many times, what you do with.a string of descriptions you can built over time with shorter blurbs. "The man sneered, stretching the ugly scar that assymetrically split his face," or something like that. When you dedicate a big chunk to strictly describe things, it really halts the storyline. Especially in the beginning, when you're trying to grab the reader's attention, it can be quite grating.

Aside from that, an excellent piece. Keep up the good work, you improve with each story you write.

Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

Originally Posted by spanner94ezekiel View Post
3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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